The past few months have been quite the roller coaster of emotions. I've spent a lot of time with the Andersons. Mr. Anderson was in heart failure and they needed support. I spent a lot of time holding Josh's hand, having conversations about death and it stirred up so many feelings. It was like reliving my father's death in many ways, but watching it in a weird detached kind of way. And of course there were all of the feelings between me and Josh. I am grateful to report that Mr. Anderson did get a new heart a few months ago and has had an amazing recovery...a much happier end to the story than my dad's.
Josh did break up with his girlfriend - I don't think she could handle the heaviness of the stuff going on in his life - but he and I didn't start anything up. I've had a lot of feelings towards him through this, but I've had to respect that his attention was on his family.
Aunt Lu told me a few weeks ago to stop agonizing over it. I was dwelling on it too much. Day-in and day-out I was wondering, "will he ever love me again?" I was going on dates with other guys and coming home miserable because none of them compared to Josh.
Aunt Lu suggested that I surrender it to God. She always has a religious spin on things, but I decided to try it and it helped. I needed to let it go and just have faith that if it's meant to happen it will. It hasn't been easy. There have been a lot of times I've wanted to reach out to him, but every time I've resisted he has called or emailed me. His focus is on his family, but it's nice to know that he still needs me.
I will be seeing him tonight. Molly and Tim are in town for the weekend and we're having an engagement party for them. Things between Molly and I have been strained since I confronted her about stealing my letters, but I care enough about her to forgive her. The problem is that I just don't trust her anymore...so we have a polite friendship, but it doesn't go much deeper. I never did tell Josh about the letters. I think he would go nuts on her, and I don't want to destroy a lifelong friendship...plus she begged me not to tell him.
Things with work have been crazy busy. The dance studio has been incredibly active. There is always something happening. I took a class in New York in the fall, and even did a brief stint in an Off Broadway musical as one of the dancers! This winter I worked with a high school on the choreography for their musical. I've had a lot of stuff to keep me busy.
Well, that's all for now. I've been wanting to come back to this blog, and I know I've attempted to get back in to a it a few times and failed. I'm hoping this time it will stick!