I'm recovering from a nasty stomach flu. It was horrible. I could barely get out of bed for a few days.
I've been emailing Josh. It kind of feels like it did when he was in England. I just have to keep reminding myself that we are not together and he's not coming back. I want to keep in touch with him, but I'm afraid it's just going to prolong the hurt. And yet I can't bring myself to let him go. How could I let him go?
It's weird being back at school. I feel like so much has changed since last spring. I don't feel like the same person. I just want to finish school so that I can get on with my life. I just feel more grown up than everyone else. I guess the past few months have really changed me.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
I took a last minute trip to the islands with my mom and Aunt Lu. They decided I needed a break from all of the stress I've been under the past few months. They wanted me to be able to start my classes feeling renewed instead of burnt out.
Josh and I split up on New Years Day. There was no fight or big drama or anything, we're just in different places. We talked about trying to make the long distance thing work, but then Josh said, "You know I'm not coming back. This isn't like England. It's permanent." It got me thinking that he's going to be living in LA, and I'm going to be staying here. I'm going to buy Mona's dance studio once she's ready to sell. You can't have a relationship when you live 3000 miles apart.
At first I was okay. It didn't really feel like a break up since there was no drama. Then the vacation kept my mind off of things. It wasn't until I got back last week that it really hit me. I spent a few days crying and being depressed. Now I'm trying to pull myself together. I just don't know how. First I lost my dad. Now I've lost Josh. It feels like it's too much and yet I'm handling it somehow.
Natalie, Molly and Amanda have been great about trying to cheer me up and helping me transition back into my life at school. They are good friends and I love them all, but I see Josh everywhere I go. I fight the urge every day to book a flight to LA. It would be so easy to run to him, but I just can't see myself living out there. One of the things I learned from my dad this past fall is that it's important to have family and to be a part of their lives. I know moving to LA would give me Josh, but I'd miss out on everyone else. It's so hard.
So my 2009 has sucked so far, but I figure that it can only get better. And it's just the beginning so there is plenty of time, right? God, I hope so.
Josh and I split up on New Years Day. There was no fight or big drama or anything, we're just in different places. We talked about trying to make the long distance thing work, but then Josh said, "You know I'm not coming back. This isn't like England. It's permanent." It got me thinking that he's going to be living in LA, and I'm going to be staying here. I'm going to buy Mona's dance studio once she's ready to sell. You can't have a relationship when you live 3000 miles apart.
At first I was okay. It didn't really feel like a break up since there was no drama. Then the vacation kept my mind off of things. It wasn't until I got back last week that it really hit me. I spent a few days crying and being depressed. Now I'm trying to pull myself together. I just don't know how. First I lost my dad. Now I've lost Josh. It feels like it's too much and yet I'm handling it somehow.
Natalie, Molly and Amanda have been great about trying to cheer me up and helping me transition back into my life at school. They are good friends and I love them all, but I see Josh everywhere I go. I fight the urge every day to book a flight to LA. It would be so easy to run to him, but I just can't see myself living out there. One of the things I learned from my dad this past fall is that it's important to have family and to be a part of their lives. I know moving to LA would give me Josh, but I'd miss out on everyone else. It's so hard.
So my 2009 has sucked so far, but I figure that it can only get better. And it's just the beginning so there is plenty of time, right? God, I hope so.
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