Sorry for the delay in posts. I've had a rocky week and a half. When I was in LA I found out that Josh turned down a job in New York. I found out from his friend Amber, who dropped by again and casually mentioned it...not the way I wanted to find out. Josh and I got into a fight about it and it was a mess. I flew home the next day. Josh and I talked on the phone a few times trying to figure things out, but what it really comes down to is that I need him here. If we're going to be in a relationship, I need him here. And I don't like that he told me he was doing everything in his power to move home, and then I find out that he turned down a job that would have brought him home.

This whole time I've known things weren't right. It felt like April of 2007 when we tried to get back together but we weren't ready. I love him, and I wanted this to be the right time, but it's not. I just see it so clearly now. He lives on the other side of the country. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have stuck with my first instincts back in October. I should have worked harder to get over him, instead of falling back into a relationship that cannot be. 3,000 miles is just too far.

So we ended it. Again. I asked him to give me space and to please respect that I need it. I don't want phone calls or emails. I just need time and space away from him so that I can move on.

I'm in LA again. I flew here yesterday. I'm only staying until Sunday this time. It's kind of boring when Josh is working. I mean, there is only so much sightseeing a person can do. It's not much fun going on tours or eating by myself. Josh wasn't lying when he said he works all the time. He did promise to be home in time to go out to dinner though so I'm hoping he gets home in the next hour or so.

I'm bored. I was bored at home and I'm bored here. At least it's warm here. I went to Santa Monica this morning and went for a run on the beach. It was so nice to be away from the 20 degree weather in Pennsylvania. After that I came back to Josh's apartment. I showered, read my book and had lunch. Then I headed out to Beverly Hills and walked around and did some window shopping. Nothing too exciting, but better than the same old stuff I'd be doing back home.

Well, Josh just called and said he's on his way home. I should go get ready to go out.

I spent the day shopping for dance wear. I also bought two new pairs of ballroom shoes. It kept me busy as I get ready for the semester to start. I just can't believe I have three more weeks before classes start. I'm getting crazy. I don't know what to do with myself.

Things are feeling out of sorts. I spent most of Saturday with Mark and that caused some problems with Josh. He said he understood why I did it but he didn't like it. I understand why he didn't like it but I had to do it. It was Josh's last day here before heading back to California so I get it, but I care about Mark and I had to be there for him.

There's also a little bit of a back story that I didn't post about. While I was in LA a girl stopped by Josh's apartment to see him when he was at work. He said she was a friend of Keith's from New York who had just moved to LA. He was helping her out by showing her around and introducing her to some people. So when he said he was a little uncomfortable with me being there for another guy that he doesn't know, I kind of threw Amber back in his face. (That's her name, by the way.) He didn't really appreciate that so things have been tense.

I'm thinking of maybe flying back to LA to spend a few days with him. Tomorrow is the funeral for Mark's father and then I'm free until the 25th so I might as well. It's bad enough that there is geographical distance between us. I don't want there to be emotional distance as well. That just leads to trouble.

I hate New Years. It's one of those holidays that gives people an excuse to act badly. I found out last night that Mark's father was killed by a drunk driver on New Years Eve. I'm just sickened by this. No one should have to go through that. I talked to Mark briefly last night but he didn't feel like being on the phone. I'm going over to his house today around lunch time to see him. I hope that I can be there for him. I know what it's like to lose a parent...just not in such a senseless manor.

It feels like there is a theme in my life: alcohol can be too easily abused. First it was James driving drunk and into death's door. Then it was my father destroying his liver with over consumption. Now Mark's father is the victim of another person's poor judgment. It just seems like such a waste. Lives lost to a drink. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all.

I hate this time of year. After Christmas everything up north seems so gloomy. In Florida we had nice weather so we could go back to playing sports, swimming and running around on the beach. It made the post-Christmas slump easier to bear. Up here, there's nothing but gloom. The sun hardly shines and it's too cold out to do anything fun. We just sit inside and wait for late-March/early-April to arrive.

Well, not that I sound like Ms. Doom and Gloom I'll sign off. I have to get ready to visit Mark. I'll try to be more upbeat in my next post. I promise.

Happy New Year!

Sorry for no recent posts but it's been pretty busy. I had a great time in LA. Josh took me to a Christmas party at a record executive's house. It was amazing. I've never seen anything like it.

We flew home from LA on the 23rd. The annual Christmas Eve Party at the Anderson's was fun as usual. The party is my most favorite holiday event. There is just something magical about that party. I suppose it could be the memories I have, but it is my favorite Christmas tradition.

This week has just been a lot of running around, meeting up with friends and eating. Lots of eating. :) Last night Josh and I went out to a nice dinner with his family and then celebrated the new year at his parent's house.

This morning I came home early and had New Year's breakfast with my mom and Aunt Lu. My mom is flying back to Florida tomorrow.

Josh flies back to Los Angeles on Sunday. I'm trying to put a brave face on. I know he's working on moving home so I just have to be patient.