I'm so excited! Lauren and I are going to New York City this weekend! I was hoping to go myself but I want to ease Aunt Lu and my mom into the idea of me going up. We're going to play hookie from school on Friday so that I can tour Columbia and NYU. Mr. Anderson is going to go with us so we won't be by ourselves. After that we're going to stay up for the rest of the weekend. I'm staying with Jen but it's still up in the air whether Lauren is staying with us or with Josh. Jen's roommate is going out of town so Jen has plenty of room.

I just can't wait to go up there. And Josh is really excited that I'm going to him for once. I would love to go up more often but like I said, I have to ease Aunt Lu and my mom into it. Maybe next semester they'll let me go up by myself. For now, I'm just happy that I'm going. This will be my first time seeing the Rockefeller Christmas Tree in person! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!! Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

My ballroom dance class for kids is a go!!!!!!! I'm so excited. It's going to be a small class but I'm really excited about it. I love working with kids and I love dancing - and I'm going to get paid for it! What could be better than that?

I asked Alex about him and Alicia and he said, "we're close." Close to what? I guess I shouldn't complain. He's making progress and it did take Josh and I a year to get together. I just want to see him with someone that is a good match, and I see how much she likes him every time I mention his name. It's like her face lights up.

I told Lindsay that she needs a man. I understand that she needed time to deal with what happened with James, and I understand that it's been a long process but she will eventually have to get out there again. I don't want to see her spend her college days alone and lonely because she's still mourning James. It's an odd situation that someone our age really should have to be in. I want to encourage her to move on, but I also want to respect that he needs to deal with his death on her time table - not mine. I just want her to be happy again.

Not much else to report from the weekend. Kelly and Jason still going strong. Jen and Terry seemed happy, as did Molly and Tim. And of course I've got my sweetie so that adds to my happiness. I'm also trying to live by the wisdom of future Nicole. It's working well for me so far.

Oh, and Josh got his glasses. He only needs them for driving and seeing far distances, but he looks so adorable when he wears them. My heart soars just thinking about it.

My week off is over. Tomorrow it's back to school. I love school but it was nice to be off...to go shopping with Molly, hang out with Lindsay, spend time with Josh and enjoy good food with the family. The rest of the weekend was good. Friday night was Kelly's party. It was fun but we didn't stay too long. Josh wasn't feeling that great and I didn't really care that much about being there.

Yesterday I worked at the dance studio and then helped Josh do some Christmas shopping. Last night we went to another party. It was at Kim's house. Alex brought Alicia with him. She is so obviously crazy about him. I hope things happen with those two. They'd be such a cute couple!

Today I went to church with Aunt Lu and then out to brunch with Lindsay and the family before she headed back up to Penn State. Now I have to get myself back into school mode.

Nick and Jessica split! I'm so disappointed. I guess it's the romantic in me. I used to love Jessica but I lost a lot of respect for her. And this is the last straw. I really thought they could make it.

This week has been fun. It was nice having time off from school. Josh came home Tuesday night and we spent all day Wednesday hanging out together.

Yesterday was fun but kind of weird. I didn't realize how much I would miss my mom. I thought I'd be happy to have a holiday without fighting - and I was - but it was kind of strange for me. I'm not used to it. Aunt Lu and I spent the day at Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill's house. Aunt Linda's family was there too. The guys were all watching football so Lindsay and I sat and watched chic flicks on DVD all afternoon in her room.

After dinner I went to the Anderson's house for dessert. They had the best pumpkin cheesecake. It also cheered me up a bit to see Josh. He could tell I was missing my mom. He thinks I should go to Florida for Christmas. He thinks I'm missing my mom because I wanted to be here with him. I tried to tell him that I was here for Aunt Lu and my sanity. Obviously I wanted to spend time with him too, but my world doesn't completely revolve around him.

Today I went shopping with Lindsay and Jen. It was so crowded though. I could barely enjoy it and I didn't buy much. Tonight I'm going to a party at Kelly's house. It should be fun.

It's Friday! Yippie! :) And my honey is already in town. He needed to go to the eye doctor this afternoon so he got home earlier than usual. We're going out to dinner with Molly, Tim, Jason and Kelly tonight. It should be fun. Tomorrow is work and then the homecoming parade followed by the game. Should shape up to be a pretty good weekend.

My horoscope for today says "It may be cold outside, but wherever you are will be nice and warm -- steamy, even -- if you count the smiles and glances you're exchanging. You're due for some good, old-fashioned emotional fireworks. Romance: how nice!"

I'll have to schedule some time alone with Josh after dinner. I've had a fun week but I can't wait to see him! :)

It's almost Friday! I'm saying that because it's been a hectic week - not because I'm living for the weekend. Tonight should be fun though - Powder Puff Football! Not that I'm all that interested in football, but I'm happy to get out and socialize.

Speaking of football, it seems that everyone is talking about it non-stop these days. Geesh, don't people think of anything else? Maybe because I live around Eagles fans and everyone has something to say about T.O. And then there's the homecoming game on Saturday so everyone's talking about that too. I wish I got it but I don't. What's the big deal with football anyway? I understand having a hobby, I just think it's weird that so many people have the same hobby - watching football. And is watching something really a hobby? Shouldn't you be participating in it? Oh well, I don't hate football or anything, I just don't get it.

Okay, this post has been really random. I should get back to homework so I can go out guilt-free tonight.

I'd like to say I'm as wise as the Future Nicole, but I can't take credit for all of the life lessons she wrote about. Most of them came from Aunt Lu. She says these wise things to me all the time and I usually roll my eyes at her, only to find out later that she was right all along. She just has this light around her. So much positive energy and love radiates from her. I hope to be like her someday. I want to be able to see the good in people and show them so much kindness.

Josh, too, taught me some of the lessons. The one about things happening in their own time. Those were his words exactly. At the dance last week I was telling him that I wanted to set Alex and Alicia up and he told me I should let things unfold naturally. I wasn't hearing him. I kept saying that if someone had given us a push we would have been together sooner. He disagreed and said that things happened the way they were supposed to and if they had happened too soon it might not have worked out.

The other thing he taught me was that I don't have to prove myself. Shortly after we became friends we had a conversation and I told him how hard it was starting over and that I had to prove myself. He asked what things were like in Florida, and I told him all about my friends and how I felt like I was a success there. I'll never forget it. He said, "Then you've already proven yourself to be a success. All you have to do is recreate it." It just made so much sense to me and took a lot of the pressure off.

The one about being where you are because of the choices you made came from Dr. Phil. I read a lot of self-help books when I first moved here. I guess I needed a lot of help. That one always stuck with me.

The rest are things I've learned from Aunt Lu. She always says that if it doesn't make sense to just hold on to it because some day it will. She says that the student has to be ready to learn the lesson.

Our senior seminar project for this week is to imagine ourselves at 80 years old and to write a letter to ourselves at our current age. It's one of the coolest assignments I've ever done. It really makes you take a look at yourself and put things into perspective. Who knew Future Nicole would be so wise?

Dear Nicole,

Wisdom, experience and hindsight have given me the perspective I need to give you some advice on life. I know you think you know it all. I was you once, but trust me, there's a lot you don't know, and you have to learn that you have to learn.

I am about to give you some life lessons, but unless you are ready to accept them, they will mean nothing to you. That's okay. Hold on to this letter. Someday it will make sense.

1) Anything worth having is worth working hard for. Things don't always come easy, you have to persevere. Don't give up. If you really want it, you have to work for it. It will all pay off in the long run.

2) People aren't always going to behave well, but that doesn't mean you shouldn’t. Treat others with kindness, be honest and loving and refuse to get pulled into negativity.

3) You cannot control the actions of others. You can only control yourself and your response to them. Don't let their decisions upset you. Respond to them in ways that would make you proud. And if you don't, learn from your mistakes. They only make you a stronger, better person in the long run.

4) You are the only person who can make yourself happy. You can’t depend on others for your happiness. That comes from you and the way you chose to see the world. You have a long life ahead of you, Nicole, the way you chose to respond to the good and bad things will determine how happy you will be. Try to see the positive.

5) There is always good with the bad. Just when you think things will never get better, something good will come along. You learned this when you moved to Pennsylvania. You felt alone and then someone reached out to you and you found more happiness than you had before. Don’t forget this.

6) You don’t have to prove yourself as worthy. You’ve already done that. You just have to recreate it.

7) Everything happens in its own time. I understand impatience. We want what we want when we want it, but you have to learn to sit back and relax. Things happen when they’re supposed to and if you rush, you might miss out on something really good.

8) Don’t be a victim. You are where you are because of the choices you’ve made. You are responsible for your own life. When you let yourself become a victim you give your power away.

9) Don’t judge yourself too harshly. You are doing the best you can. You will make mistakes in life. It’s part of being human. The key is to learn from your mistakes.

10) Listen to you gut. We all have instincts. We have to learn to listen to them and act on them. Trust in yourself to make good decisions.

Now, on a more personal note, there are a few other things I’d like to say to you.

Don’t be so hard on your mother and father. I know you have a hard time seeing the good in your father, but he’s only human and he’s struggling. He’s a sad soul. He’s missing out on giving and receiving love from his wife and child. He needs a substance to quiet the pain. It’s easy to hate him, but you’ll be a better person if you learn to show empathy. Empathizing doesn’t have to mean enabling.

And your mother loves you. She means well, but she’s not strong. She doesn’t know how to stand up for herself and walk away. She’s doing the best she can with what she has. Forgive her.

Listen to your Aunt Lu. She’s a wise woman and you’ve heard all of these lessons from her already. She’s more than your refuge, she’s your teacher. You just have to be ready to accept the lessons.

Josh has been a tower of strength for you but you need to learn to stand on your own. Borrowing his strength will only make you weaker. It’s time for you to see the strength in yourself. He wants you to be happy, but he can’t be the source of that happiness. That’s too much pressure to put on someone…he is only human. Be confident that you make your own happiness. Let him be part of that without being the source of it.

There are many ups and down ahead, but with faith and trust, you will prevail. Just remember the life lessons and remember that no matter where you are or what you do, you will be loved.

With much love,

Future Nicole

Sunday - after the paint fiasco - I walked Josh out to his car as he was leaving for New York. We were saying good bye and I made a comment about it being the saddest part of the week. He agreed that Sundays are hard but he said he doesn't want me to live only for two days of the week.

I looked back over my blogging since he left for school in September and I realized that all I write about is the weekends. It's like everything between Sunday and Friday doesn't matter unless it involves me wishing it were Friday. That's no way to live - especially when it's my senior year and there are all sorts of fun things going on. That's why I'm making an effort to enjoy each day and not spend them wishing it were the weekend. I don't want to sell myself short or center my life around time spent with Josh. I love him, but I have to have a life of my own, or he's going to get bored with me for being so pathetic.

Thursday night is the Powder Puff football game. Kim and Lauren are both on the team so Molly and I are going to go and cheer them on. Molly was going to play but since she's homecoming queen she doesn't want to take a chance on getting hurt before the big game on Saturday.

Tonight we're working on the choir float for the parade. I'm psyched to help build it - even if I don't get to ride on it. I'll be on the homecoming court float.

And in between all of this stuff I have to work at the dance studio, go to choir practice and do homework! I really shouldn't dismiss week day activities! There's so much going on!

If holidays are supposed to bring out the best in people, why do I always feel like they bring out the worst? As a kid, I remember my dad drinking too much and my mom and grandmother getting mad at him. There was always drama. So this year I made a choice: I'm staying in Pennsylvania for the holidays - all the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in the safety and comfort of Aunt Lu's house. I would just once like to experience a holiday without chaos, and since my parents won't be coming up here I thought that's what I'd get. But last night my mother called and gave me grief about not going to Florida for either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

She misses me. I get it. I miss her, but she has chosen to stay with a man who is a drunk and emotionally abusive simply because of the financial security he provides. I know it's hard to walk away but this summer I thought she was finally going to do it. She talked about doing it but she hasn't.

She thinks I'm staying here because of Josh, but that's not the case. I'm staying here because Aunt Lu gives me normalcy and I need that. I want that. I want to spend the whole day without fights and arguments. I want to sit on the couch Thanksgiving morning and watch the Macy's Parade without screaming in the background. I want to watch Brett open presents Christmas morning and see the excitement from a child's eyes. I want all of the good stuff that the holidays are supposed to bring. There's simply no contest between a Pennsylvania holiday and a Florida holiday. I've been there and done that and Florida holidays are always a disaster. I just wish I could make my mom understand.

So this afternoon started with a bang - the bang of a paint can falling on the floor of Molly's living room and breaking open and splattering paint everywhere. Molly got it into her head to paint her room so of coarse I got roped into helping her. Josh drove us over to Home Depot before heading back to NY. We picked up paint and the three of us where carrying the paint into the house, when Molly dropped a can. I heard it drop but I wasn't looking and I didn't think there was anyway the lid would come off the paint but I saw the look on Josh's face and I knew. I turned around and there was paint everywhere. We were on our hands and knees cleaning it up all day. Thank goodness it was waterbased! We were so tired from cleaning that the painting idea was put on the backburner...

Last night I really realized how lucky I am to have such a great boyfriend. I was really nervous about the homecoming court. I knew I wasn't going to win the crown (Molly did though - very happy for her!), and I was afraid Josh would be disappointed in me. I know it's stupid, he's told me a million times that he could care less about me being homecoming queen, but still... So we're at the dance and Josh tells me that he wants to introduce me to a guy who graduated his year. The guy's name is Jake and as we're talking he tells me he's a ballroom dancer! He lives in New York and works for a dance studio there. Anyway, he asks me to dance and damn, was he good! It was fun dancing with a great dancer and we got to show off. I could tell by the smile on Josh's face that he planned it that way so that I could get my fifteen minutes of fame, despite losing the crown.

The rest of the night was really great. You know me, I love any opportunity I can get to dance and get dressed up. And I love to see the guys all dressed up. Josh always looks good but when he's got a suit on it's really sexy. Alex looked really cute too. He was Lindsay's escort - she was there b/c she won the crown last year and had to present it to Molly. I saw him talking to Alicia. She was working the ticket table so she was there alone. She looked really happy to be getting some of Alex's attention.

I just have a feeling about them. I think they're going to end up together - or maybe it's the romantic in me. She just reminds me of me in a lot of ways, and he reminds me of Josh. Molly and Alex never seemed like the perfect fit, but I can see him with Alicia. Now that Molly and Tim seem to be the real deal, I don't feel bad hoping for an Alex/Alicia pairing.

Well, I have a ton of stuff to do today so that's all for now. More later!

Love,
Me

It's been a crazy week. Last Friday I found out that both Molly and I were nominated for the Homecoming Court. Most girls would love this but not me. I just feel a lot of pressure with the whole thing. I don't want to feel like I'm competing with my best friend for starters; and secondly, Josh has escorted the winning girl every year since he was a junior in high school. That puts a lot of pressure on me. I don't want to be the first loser. :(

He thinks I'm being ridiculous. He said he could care less if I'm Homecoming Queen but I don't want him to think of me as a loser. We kept discussing this last weekend at the cabin and I think he was ready to scream. He wants to be supportive but I know I was driving him crazy.

Tonight I'm hanging out with Molly and Kim. We're having a girl's night. Tomorrow I'm going to craft shows with Aunt Lu and then tomorrow night is the dance. Josh isn't coming home until tomorrow. He was asked to fill in for the keyboard player of some band tonight. It's extra money so he wanted to do it.

That's all for now. Dreading tomorrow night. Pray that I'm not too embarrassed by the whole homecoming court thing!