I just got home from our Cha Cha lesson at the dance club. Raj and I will be dancing to Lady Gaga's "Telephone." I was nervous about the song at first because I hate using songs that were recently used on "Dancing With The Stars," but I have most of the choreography figured out and I think it will be a hit.

Still no Josh. He's back in town but he was at the swim club tonight so I won't see him until we head out to the shore tomorrow night.

I'll be spending the day with Raj tomorrow. We've got a long day of rehearsing before he heads out of town for the weekend. I came right home after the lesson tonight so that I can pack and rest up. I've got a few very busy days ahead!

I am seriously missing Josh, and we're not even dating! I'm really hoping he shows up tonight. He was supposed to be back from New York this afternoon, but Lauren said he might be up there until Friday. :(

We did chat over IM last night after I got home from my rehearsal with Raj, but I'm pretty sure it just made me miss him more. It was fun and flirty. This is what he said:

J: how have things been going at the club?
N: Busy, but good - I’m just a little frazzled trying to get things done before we head to the shore. I want to have a stress-free weekend.
J: Sounds like a good plan. Are we still on for our skee ball challenge?
N: Yep, be prepared to have your butt kicked!
J: Wow, trash talk, Bradford! I’m shocked!
N: Shocked about the trash talk, or shocked that I’m going to kick your butt?
J: I don’t recall you being the best skee ball player
N: Ouch... That hurts.
J: I’m just saying...
N: Well, I’ve got new tricks up my sleeve. I’ve developed skills.
J: Wow, skills, huh?
N: That’s right. This is the new and improved Nicole.
J: I’ve never thought you needed to be improved, but I’ll admit I’m intrigued... So what other skills have you developed?
N: Wouldn’t you like to know? ;)
J: Actually I would like to know...
J: Everything.
N: A girl can’t give away all of her secrets.
J: Ah, a woman of mystery.
J: Shoot – I just realized what time it is. I have to run.
N: I see...you have big plans for the evening?
J: Wouldn’t you like to know?
N: Touché
J: LOL....See you tomorrow, Nic
N: Bye.

I am so psyched for this weekend at the shore. It really couldn't have worked out better. And I am going to kick his butt in skee ball. :)

I spent a few hours after camp helping out at the swim club today. Josh is in New York for a few days so I am helping out at the club. He's doing a favor for a friend. In exchange he's getting his friends house in Ocean City, New Jersey, so a bunch of us are going down next weekend. It works out great since Raj is out of town this weekend.

Molly's going away party was fun but sad. I just can't believe she's actually going. And I'm shocked that she's going to live with Tim before marriage. That seems like something she would disapprove of if it were someone else.

Tonight is more rehearsal with Raj. Our Fox Trot is going well so far. I know it's still early in the game, but I just feel like we're going to win this thing. I just feel it, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it happens!

Our Rhumba went great!!! The judges loved it and said that we totally sold it. They said they could tell that we were connecting. They asked me if it was personal to me. I answered "yes" and I could feel Josh's eyes on me. I got a little emotional and I think that helped people believe it more. I was, of course, pretending Raj was Josh during the dance so that may have helped a little. We were the first couple declared safe so I'm pretty sure we had the highest audience votes of the night.

Afterward Josh came up to me at the reception. He said he liked the dance. Then he told me that he talked to Amber and he broke it off with her. Raj and Anisha came over to us then and Anisha asked if she could come to the Thursday night dance lessons. They are open to the public so I told her she should definitely come and she could dance with Raj. I said I'd just help with the teaching, but Josh offered to try to come as many of them as he can so that I have someone to dance with.

So last night I walked in and the "Joshies" all noticed that Anisha was there and they wanted to know who I was going to dance with. I told them that I had a stand-in and I could see them all looking around for their favorite guy. One woman practically jumped for joy when Josh walked in. It was fun dancing with him. I did help out with the teaching a little bit so Josh danced with a few members of his "fan club."

Today Josh and I started rehearsal for our cha cha to "Billy Jean." I feel like this is one of the strongest pieces of choreography I've ever done. I really feel that the classes I took in New York last winter and spring made a huge difference. I feel like I've gotten to an all new level. Josh even mentioned this afternoon that he's been really impressed with my choreography.

Tonight I rehearse with Raj. It's Fox Trot week. We're dancing to "Am I Blue" by Linda Ronstadt. I'm not too worried. I think he'll be able to handle it without a hitch. I'm a little nervous for next week. Raj has an out of town wedding to attend so we're going to lose an entire weekend. He's taking off from work on Friday and Monday so we can rehearse. I just hope we'll be okay. We'll be doing a Cha Cha that week and I want it to be hot. Our dances so far have been nice and sweet. I want the Cha Cha to be hot and it's going to take some work.

Tomorrow night we're having a going away party for Molly. She has decided to move to California to live with Tim. She's flying out on Sunday. This all just happened and it seems really sudden, but she hasn't found a job here and she loves him so I guess it's the best thing for her. It's just going to be weird to not have her around.

Well, time to get ready for rehearsals...

Raj and I are doing a Rhumba to "No Air" and it's a very personal dance for me. Every bit of feeling behind it has a very real influence from my life, and I'm finding that it's zapping a lot of my energy. But I know that if we pull it off, it will be a huge hit. Raj and I have been told we need to work on our connection. Last week when Mark and I danced the judges commented that Raj and I needed that kind of connection. I'm hoping this dance gets us there.

So Sunday was quite the day. The party at the Anderson's was kind of weird for me. One of the contestants, Eva, was hanging around Josh all day so I tried to ignore him as much as possible. I just didn't want to deal with yet another girl throwing herself at him. Anisha (Raj's wife) told me that he kept looking over at me but I didn't bother to look back. I had had enough of watching girls following him around all the time.

I went to the house to get something out of the kitchen and Mrs. Anderson was in there. We were talking for a few minutes when Josh walked in. Mrs. Anderson asked us both to go to the store to pick up a few items they were running low on. I couldn't say no to Mrs. Anderson so it was off to the store.

Josh and I headed out and I just wasn't really in the mood to deal with him...there was a huge accident on the way there so we got stuck sitting in traffic. I kind of feel bad because he was trying to be nice to me, and I was being short with him. It just doesn't feel right to me to make small talk with someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else. I just can't pretend we can be casual. It just feels too weird.

Anyway, we finally get to the store and we're gathering up a bunch of stuff when we see an older man fall on the ground in pain. Josh rushed over so I followed. The rest is a blur. I just remember Josh starting CPR and me calling 911. The store employees couldn't find the defibrillator and all of the emergency vehicles were tied up at the accident we had passed. Josh and I took turns doing CPR until they got there and then we had to continue in the ambulance all the way to the hospital because they were short on EMT's. I have never been so scared in my life. Oh, and I could hear the guy's ribs breaking when Josh started CPR. I will never forget that.

We got to the hospital and collapsed in the ER waiting room from exhaustion. They don't tell you in CPR training how exhausting CPR is. Josh's car was back at the store so we had to wait for Lauren to come get us. I pretty much had a break down in the waiting room. All of the stress just came to a boiling point and tears just started spilling out of me. I was finally grateful it was Josh that I was with because anyone else would have thought I was a complete spaz. Plus, he's so sweet to me that he just put his arms around me and told me it was completely normal to feel emotional after such an ordeal.

Lauren picked us up and took us back to her house. I figured the party would be over but everyone was waiting there for us to hear about the ordeal. They had been worried when we never showed up and thought we had been in the accident. Well, except for JD who said, "I just figured you and Josh were off canoodling somewhere." I couldn't help but steal a glance in Eva's direction. She was frowning but I hope that helped get the message across that she's wasting her time.

So that was Sunday. My back was so sore that night. Josh had tried to talk me into a dip in the hot tub before I left but I wanted to go home. I'm kind of wishing I had stayed. I just can't be in a hot tub with him right now.

Ug, I really hate the way things are. I want Amber out of the picture and I want to feel sure that he's going to stick around. I have spent our whole relationship waiting for him to come back from some place or dreading when he leaves. I don't know if I can keep doing that. I need him here. I need him to stay.

Rehearsal schedules and dance camp have kept me pretty busy but the competition is going great! We're rehearsing our third dance now: the Rhumba! We got through the Waltz and the Jive with flying colors. The judges only real criticism is that we need to work on our connection a little.

Mark and I did our Cha Cha performance to "Mercy" on Wednesday. It was fun dancing with him again. I couldn't help but enjoy the fact that Josh was there to see what a great dancer Mark is. I guess I wanted him to feel a little jealous since Amber is still in the picture.

I also kind of ticked him off on the 4th of July when I did a karaoke version of "Don't Cha." I don't think he appreciated it and things have been a little icy between us since then.

Mrs. Anderson is having a pool party this afternoon for the cast and I happened to check out the schedule at the swim club. Josh isn't working so I know there is a good possibility that he'll be there.

Josh was supposed to talk to Amber tonight to break things off, but her friend was in an accident and was killed. She's really upset and Josh doesn't think this is a good time. I feel really bad for Amber, but I can't help but feel annoyed that Josh isn't free and clear. It just feels like the universe is telling us that it's not going to work. I don't know what to think. I love him, but the past few years have been an emotional roller coaster. We're constantly trying to get back together and failing.

I know he's home for the summer, but then what? In exchange for the summer in Pennsylvania, he had to agree to go back to California for a few weeks in the fall. I don't know, the timing just doesn't seem right.