Raj and I are doing a Rhumba to "No Air" and it's a very personal dance for me. Every bit of feeling behind it has a very real influence from my life, and I'm finding that it's zapping a lot of my energy. But I know that if we pull it off, it will be a huge hit. Raj and I have been told we need to work on our connection. Last week when Mark and I danced the judges commented that Raj and I needed that kind of connection. I'm hoping this dance gets us there.

So Sunday was quite the day. The party at the Anderson's was kind of weird for me. One of the contestants, Eva, was hanging around Josh all day so I tried to ignore him as much as possible. I just didn't want to deal with yet another girl throwing herself at him. Anisha (Raj's wife) told me that he kept looking over at me but I didn't bother to look back. I had had enough of watching girls following him around all the time.

I went to the house to get something out of the kitchen and Mrs. Anderson was in there. We were talking for a few minutes when Josh walked in. Mrs. Anderson asked us both to go to the store to pick up a few items they were running low on. I couldn't say no to Mrs. Anderson so it was off to the store.

Josh and I headed out and I just wasn't really in the mood to deal with him...there was a huge accident on the way there so we got stuck sitting in traffic. I kind of feel bad because he was trying to be nice to me, and I was being short with him. It just doesn't feel right to me to make small talk with someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else. I just can't pretend we can be casual. It just feels too weird.

Anyway, we finally get to the store and we're gathering up a bunch of stuff when we see an older man fall on the ground in pain. Josh rushed over so I followed. The rest is a blur. I just remember Josh starting CPR and me calling 911. The store employees couldn't find the defibrillator and all of the emergency vehicles were tied up at the accident we had passed. Josh and I took turns doing CPR until they got there and then we had to continue in the ambulance all the way to the hospital because they were short on EMT's. I have never been so scared in my life. Oh, and I could hear the guy's ribs breaking when Josh started CPR. I will never forget that.

We got to the hospital and collapsed in the ER waiting room from exhaustion. They don't tell you in CPR training how exhausting CPR is. Josh's car was back at the store so we had to wait for Lauren to come get us. I pretty much had a break down in the waiting room. All of the stress just came to a boiling point and tears just started spilling out of me. I was finally grateful it was Josh that I was with because anyone else would have thought I was a complete spaz. Plus, he's so sweet to me that he just put his arms around me and told me it was completely normal to feel emotional after such an ordeal.

Lauren picked us up and took us back to her house. I figured the party would be over but everyone was waiting there for us to hear about the ordeal. They had been worried when we never showed up and thought we had been in the accident. Well, except for JD who said, "I just figured you and Josh were off canoodling somewhere." I couldn't help but steal a glance in Eva's direction. She was frowning but I hope that helped get the message across that she's wasting her time.

So that was Sunday. My back was so sore that night. Josh had tried to talk me into a dip in the hot tub before I left but I wanted to go home. I'm kind of wishing I had stayed. I just can't be in a hot tub with him right now.

Ug, I really hate the way things are. I want Amber out of the picture and I want to feel sure that he's going to stick around. I have spent our whole relationship waiting for him to come back from some place or dreading when he leaves. I don't know if I can keep doing that. I need him here. I need him to stay.