Yesterday was so frustrating. I worked all day - and had to watch Wendy throwing herself at Josh. Not to mention, there's a girl who belongs to the swim club that seems to have her sights set on him. It's almost unbearable to watch it.

When I got home last night I was in a horrible mood. I was even more moody when Aunt Lu told me we were going to Uncle Bill's for dinner. Lindsay was sulking around. It's not that I expect her to suddenly feel better, I just would like to see her get off the couch and go back out into the world. I tried talking to her, but she only gave me one word answers and stared at the TV.

Alex stopped by last night after we got home. He's leaving for Australia tomorrow and he wanted to say good-bye. He could tell I was feeling down and tried to cheer me up a little. He said he was going to see Lindsay and I warned him that she was not in a good mood.

Today was a little better. My mood was better anyway. I took my campers to the pool this morning for their swimming lesson, and Josh came over and teased me that he was going to throw me in the pool. My kids - of course - cheered him on and told him to throw me in. Lucky for him, he didn't. That would have been cause for serious payback!

Lauren and I are having a great time with the kids. They've been doing improv exercises this week so that we can get an idea of their acting abilities. We also gave them three choices for plays: "Alice In Wonderland," "Peter Pan" and "Cinderella." They're going to vote tomorrow and then we'll start auditioning next week.

There's no camp on Monday since it's a holiday. Instead the club is having an activities day. They're going to have all sorts of different activities. I'm assigned to the snack bar and the temporary tattoo booth.

I worked at the snack bar again this afternoon. Molly was working today too. She doesn't seem to be a big fan of Wendy's. When Wendy came in to order lunch she was a jerk to Molly. As she walked away Molly started singing the Wicked Witch of the West theme song from "The Wizard of Oz!" It was so funny. Wendy didn't hear her, but damn, it was funny! :)


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I've got it bad and that ain't good...

Here we go again with this Josh thing. I just can't shake him.

Friday night he took me to the movies so that I could "get my mind off things." We saw Dodge Ball. It was corny, but funny, and honestly, I would've seen anything if it meant sitting in the dark with Josh. Lauren and her friend came with us. She and Josh have such a cute relationship. It makes me wish I had a brother.

When we got home Friday night I teased Josh for taking me to see a stupid movie, and told him he should have to suffer through a chick-flick. To my surprise he agreed!

Saturday night it was back to the movies to see The Notebook. I'm not sure that Josh liked it, but I loved it! Rachel McAdams is my new favorite actress. I loved her clothes and hair in that movie. It was so classic!

After the movie we got ice cream and we sat outside talking. I asked him if he believed in the crazy, mad, passionate, I'll-never-forget-you kind of love that the couple in the movie had. He replied with "Hell yeah," and then flashed one of those really great Josh smiles at me. My heart melted and then he said, "I haven't had it yet, but someday..."

I didn't see him yesterday. I was working at the swim club snack bar all day, and he had the day off. Molly was actually working with me yesterday. We talked about James and Lindsay, and she was really supportive. I still don't understand why Lindsay and Jennifer have made her into such a monster.

I got to see Josh today! It was the first day of day camp and I saw him when I took my kids to the pool for their swimming lesson. None of my kids were in his group though so I didn't have an excuse to talk to him. I was kind of annoyed. Stupid Wendy was all over him again today!

I wasn't scheduled to work this afternoon, but they needed an extra person to help during the lunch rush at the snack bar so I offered to stay. It was even more annoying, because Wendy followed Josh in on his lunch break like a lap dog and invited herself to eat with him.

I'm seriously beginning to dislike this girl. She's a lifeguard but she doesn't want to get wet because she's afraid her hair will get messed up!?! She actually told one of the kids that this morning! Weirdo! I wonder what would happen if I accidentally bumped into her and sent her flying into the pool - by accident of course! ;)

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Lindsay's a mess. I feel so helpless because I don't know how to help her. I actually wish Jennifer were here. I think she'd know how to help Lindsay.

I'm just dealing with so much of my own anger right now. I feel like I'm no help to her.

Sunday night I freaked out. Aunt Lu was at Lindsay's and I was home alone and I started getting upset. Josh stopped over to see how Lindsay was doing and found me in horrible shape. I don't know what I was thinking. I just kept going on about wanting to drink so that I could see what it was all about. I went to Aunt Lu's liquor cabinet and took out some whisky and told him that I had to know first hand what was so great about the stuff that people sacrifice their lives and their families to get drunk.

Well, Josh wouldn't let me drink. He took the bottle from me and I started to yell at him. I grabbed the bottle back from him and ran outside. When I got outside I threw the bottle on the ground just in time for Uncle Bill to drop Aunt Lu off at the house and see me in my rage. Embarrassing doesn't even begin to describe it.

Uncle Bill sent Josh home and Aunt Lu took me inside and calmed me down. I was just so angry and I needed to get it out, but I wish I hadn't done it in front of Josh.

On Monday morning, Josh stopped by to see me. I apologized for my behavior and he told me not to give it a second thought...still, I can't believe I did that!

I do owe him so much though. He's the one that drove Lindsay home on Saturday. If he hadn't been there and sober I'm not sure what would've happened to Lindsay. (The person throwing the party supposedly took everyone's keys - apparently she missed James.) He also stopped me from drinking on Sunday and has been a tower of strength to lean on all week.

We've spent so much time together this week. It's what I've wanted for so long, and I can't enjoy it because of the circumstances in which it's happening. All I can think about right now is poor Lindsay. She's going through hell.

Aunt Lu thinks that we both need couseling. Lindsay needs grief counseling, and I need counseling as the daughter of an alcoholic. Aunt Lu doesn't want me going into her liquor cabinet again. She's probably right. This is the first time that I'm really happy to be here and not in Florida was my drunk father and my enabling mother.

In other news...(It's hard to believe that there are other parts of my life right now. As the world turns, I guess.) Natalie and Alex really hit it off. He kissed her before she left. They've been emailing each other. I don't think either of them really expects a relationship out of it, but it's nice that they get along so well.

Lauren and I have also managed to work on the camp production for the summer. I think the kids will have a lot of fun with it.

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I'm sorry I haven't posted much over the past few days. It's been like a nightmare here. No, it's been a nightmare here. Today I'm going to Lindsay's boyfriends funeral. He died this weekend from drunk driving.

To say that Lindsay is a mess is an understatement. It's going to be so hard for her to get through this.

I haven't really been handling it too well either. You know how I feel about drinking, but drinking and driving... I was so mad. I was seriously flipping out Sunday morning.

I'm still having a hard time. My heart aches for Lindsay and James' family. It aches for the life lost and thrown away because he couldn't have a good time without a beer. And I'm thankful that Lindsay wasn't in the car, and that James didn't hurt anyone else.

I'll write more later. I'm going through so many emotions right now that I can't keep it all straight, but a lot has happened over the past few days.


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Well, summer has arrived in Pennsylvania. It's finally starting to feel like home. Maybe Natalie brought it with her from Florida.

She and Alex have really hit it off. He spent yesterday with us. We went out to lunch and played miniature golf. The two of them look so cute together! They're going to hang out again tomorrow afternoon while I'm at work.

Today Aunt Lu is taking Natalie, Lauren and I to the King of Prussia Mall. It's the second biggest mall in the country!

Lauren mentioned yesterday that Josh had to work tomorrow!!!! Yea!!! That means he'll be home tonight, and we'll both be at work tomorrow.

Work should be fun tomorrow. I'll be at the snack bar, but then I have a camp meeting. Next week Lauren and I will start preparing for camp. Our campers start the week after next. I can't wait to start working with them on the play. I have a good feeling about this summer.

Well, Natalie is finally awake! :) I guess I should go play hostess!

Later...

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Work was good today. Henry, the guy I taught to dance, came into the snack bar to thank me for showing him some moves. He said his date was really impressed. Always good to score points with the boss! :)

Wendy, the girl who was all over Josh at the orientation, was being loud and obnoxious today. I don't know what it is but I can't stand that girl...okay, I do know what it is. I don't like her hanging all over him. Luckily, he's still at the shore so I didn't have to deal with being grossed out by watching her climb all over him. Yuck.

Natalie is still out with Alex. I can't wait to hear how their day went. After dinner we're going over to the Anderson's to bake cookies with Lauren - too bad her blue eyed brother won't be home. :(

Speaking of Mr. Blue Eyes... my dreams were bombarded with him last night. I can't even remember what happened, I just know that when I woke up I felt like Josh and I had been together. When I wasn't dreaming about him, I was lying awake thinking about him and hoping to see him again in my dreams.

I'm so ambivalent towards those types of dreams. On one hand, I love them, because I wake up feeling warm and loving. I figure if I can't be with Josh in real life, then at least I can dream, can't I? But on the other hand, I hate realizing that it was just a dream - that he wasn't really there and that we're not really together. I don't want to dream my life away if Josh and I will never happen, and even though we've been hanging out the past few days, I just don't see it happening. He's going away to college, and I'm just the kid next door. He probably doesn't even look at me that way. Why do I keep torturing myself this way?

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It's been hard to post with Natalie here so I'll do my best to fill you in.

Saturday morning Aunt Lu and I went to Philadelphia to pick up Natalie. I was exhausted from the night before, but I was excited to see her and that gave me a little more energy.

Natalie had never been to Pennsylvania before so Aunt Lu took us into Philadelphia. We did a historical tour of the city and had lunch and dinner there.

When we got home that night there were two messages on the answering machine from Dave. I didn't call him back.

Saturday night Natalie and I stayed up late filling each other in on what's been going on. She told me all of the gossipy stuff that's been happening in Florida. I told her all about the Dave fiasco and about Josh, Jennifer, Lindsay...the whole crew. She couldn't believe that I pushed Josh away for Jennifer.

On Sunday we went to the mall with Lindsay. Lindsay was fuming from Friday night. She apparently had a big fight with James about his drinking, and she was still mad. I told her about Dave and how Mr. Anderson had to drive him home. She was shocked because she had never seen Dave act that way before.

When we got home from the mall Dave stopped by the house. I wasn't real happy, but I went outside to talk to him and told him that it wasn't going to work out between us. He apologized, but I still think it's best that we went our separate ways.

After Dave left Alex came over to meet Natalie - and there were sparks flying! The two of them really hit it off. We were sitting out on the front porch when Josh got home. He walked over to say hello and I introduced him to Natalie. She told him that the three of us were going to dinner and a movie and that he had to join us - and guess what! He did!

I thought I was going to die when I heard her ask him to hang out with us, but when he agreed I was even more shocked. We went to the best pizza place in town for dinner. It was so much fun. I had my best friend from Florida, my best pal from PA, and the most amazing guy in the whole world hanging out with me! Natalie told the guys about some of our adventures in Florida and Josh seemed really amused. He accused me of holding out on him!

After dinner we went to the movies and saw Shrek 2. After the movies we stopped for ice cream. Natalie and Alex were busy chatting, so Josh and I had a chance to talk for the first time since Friday night. He told me how he had dragged himself into work exhausted, and how Dave had called his parents to apologize. I told him how Dave stopped by to see me and had apologized to me as well.

It was really nice to talk to him. I feel like if nothing else, Josh and I are going to have a really good friendship.

Today Natalie and I went out to lunch with Lindsay and Jennifer. Jen's leaving soon for LA so it was nice to get together. I think Jen was surprised by Natalie. Nat's not the type to be pushed around, and Jen is the type to push people around. It was an interesting conflict.

Josh left for the shore this morning. He was going to meet up with his friends who went away for senior week. I probably won't see him for a few days.

I'm working tomorrow, so Alex is going to take Natalie out and keep her entertained while I'm busy!!!! It would be so cool if the two of them hooked up.

More later...

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It was a crazy night... I'm going to start with a little personal background so that you can understand why I reacted the way that I did.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. I hated him and I hated watching him drink. When I was nine my curiosity got the best of me, and while my parents were fighting I poured myself a glass of whiskey. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever tasted. I didn't understand why anyone would drink it. My mother once told me it was an acquired taste. I still don't understand why anyone would want to make themselves like something that tastes so gross.

My guidance counselor in Florida told me that children of alcoholics typically go in one of two ways: 1) They abuse alcohol themselves, or 2) they dislike alcohol and won't touch it.

Since I took my sip of whiskey at the age of nine, I have fallen into the second category. But I don't just dislike alcohol - I hate it!

Now onto the party...we got there and it was crazy - loud music, house practically trashed and lots of drinking. There were no parents to be found. I left Alex and Jennifer to look for Dave. When I found him he was drinking a beer. As the night went on Dave was becoming more and more drunk and I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. People kept trying to push drinks on me which made me even angrier.

I finally decided to look for Alex to give me a ride home, but I couldn't find him anywhere. So as I'm looking around, guess who I run into? This shouldn't shock you since he makes every entry in this blog - Josh.

I asked him if he was drunk and he said no. I asked him if he'd been drinking at all and he said no. He asked me if I was okay and I told him that I wanted to go home. I told him that I was supposed to go home with Dave but I didn't want to now that he was drunk. Josh said he'd drive me home, but I didn't want him to miss the party. He said he wasn't really interested the party, and took my arm and we started to leave.

On my way out, I spotted Lindsay and Jennifer. I quickly told them that I was leaving. Lindsay seemed annoyed and James for drinking, so I made her promise me that she wouldn't get into the car with him. Jennifer said she would drive Lindsay home.

When Josh and I got outside he asked me if I wanted to go to the diner to get a snack. I think he could tell how angry I was at Dave and I needed time to cool down before going home.

We went to the diner, and it was like the night at the baseball game back in April. We just click. I can't explain it, because I've never experienced it before. It just feels to easy when I'm with him. We got to the diner at eleven o'clock and we didn't leave until after 1 a.m.!

Actually, I almost got in trouble with Aunt Lu. I made Lindsay promise me that she'd call me when she got home. Well, I wasn't there when she called so Aunt Lu got worried. Lindsay told her that I left with Josh, so Aunt Lu called Mrs. Anderson who then called Josh's cell phone and told him to tell me to call Aunt Lu. I told her where I was and what had happened and asked if I could stay a little longer. She was cool with it.

Anyway, when Josh and I got home, we stood in my front yard talking for awhile. I was telling him about Natalie when a car pulled up and almost hit Josh's car! I could see his jaw tense up as Dave got out of the car. I don't know why I did it, but I kind of stepped behind Josh to shield myself from Dave.

Dave was trashed! He was yelling at Josh for "stealing his date" and then at me for leaving him. He had promised me that he was sleeping over at the party before I left, so I was annoyed that he was driving in the state he was in.

Josh tried to calm him down but Dave was nuts. Josh's dad must have woken up from the commotion because he came outside and told Dave he was going to call the police. Dave quickly shut up. I guess he knew that he'd be in big trouble if the police caught him underage and drunk. Mr. Anderson and Josh took Dave home.

I went inside and went up to bed but I couldn't sleep. I sat up and was staring out the window at Josh's window. When I saw his light go on, I stood up and walked over to the window. (At this point it was almost 3:00 a.m.) I motioned to him and when I finally got his attention I moved as close to the window as possible and asked him how things went with Dave. He was trying to answer me, but we were having a hard time hearing each other so he told me to meet him outside.

When we got outside, we met on my front porch and he filled me in on what happened with Dave. Apparently Mr. Anderson was really mad because Dave was being a jerk in the car, so when they got to Dave's house Mr. Anderson knocked on the door and ratted Dave out to his parents. Josh told me Dave won't be doing too much more celebrating for a while. His parents were really mad.

We talked a little longer, but when Josh looked at his watch and saw it was - yikes! - 4:00, he said he needed to go to bed. He said he has to be at work by 10:00. I apologized for keeping him up all night and ruining his evening. He just smiled at me and told me that he had had a great time at the diner and he didn't mind helping me out.

We said good night and then I went inside and tried to sleep. All I could do was think of Josh as I drifted off to sleep.

Now I have to drag my exhausted butt out the door with Aunt Lu to pick up Natalie at the airport.

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One more hour and school is out! Too bad it's such and icky day! After school I'm going out with Lindsay, Jennifer and Alex. We're going to Perkins for lunch to celebrate the end of the school year and Lindsay and Jennifer's rise to senior status. Jennifer's mother is taking her out to LA this summer to see if she can get any acting jobs out there so after this weekend I won't see Jen again until the fall. Alex will also be gone for a large portion of the summer. He's going to Australia for the whole month of July. Lucky!

Tonight I have to go to commencement to sing with the choir. Because of the rain they'll probably have to move it into the gym. From what I heard, that's the most uncomfortable place to hold the ceremony. I'm still looking forward to it though. I want to be there when Dave graduates, and okay, I'll admit, I want to see Josh graduate too.

After commencement I'm going out to dinner with Jennifer and Alex. Later on we're going to meet up with Dave, Lindsay and James at a graduation party. It's at the house of a girl I don't know, but Dave told her I was his date so that I can go.

Tomorrow Nat gets here. I can't wait to see her!

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Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, you're only a day away!

Tomorrow is the last day of school! Nicole does the dance of joy. I am so ready for the summer. I've spent the last couple of days making the following decisions:

1) Forget Josh. He's going away to college in a few months anyway. Why bother sitting around pining for him?

2) No more letting Lindsay and Jennifer control my life. I'll respect their opinions but I won't be ruled by them.

3) Give Dave a chance. True, he's going to be starting college in the fall, but his school is only an hour away. I'll still be able to see him.

4) Make some friends over the summer that I really connect with.

My best friend from Florida, Natalie, is going to arrive on Saturday! I can't wait to see her, and it will be so nice to have her here!

Not much else to report for now!

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Yesterday it was raining, so not much happened at work. Everyone was hanging out in the snack bar all day. One of the directors was saying that he was going to a wedding next Saturday and didn't know how to dance. I made the mistake of mentioning that my mom runs a dance studio in Florida. Before I knew it I was teaching him the Rumba, Cha Cha and Meringue! The best part was that Josh was watching the whole time and he looked really impressed. He told me that he liked to swing dance and asked if I knew how. I said yes so he put on some swing music and we showed off our moves for everyone. He is such a good dancer! Is there anything this guy can't do?

Around 4:00 we decided to close the club for the day. At that point it was pouring and cold. We knew no one was going to want to swim. Josh offered me a ride home so that I wouldn't have to walk in the rain. When we got home he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends that night! Figures, right? As soon as I have a date with another guy, Josh asks me to hang out with him! It killed me to say no but I did.

So last night I went out with Dave. We went to a Hibachi Grill. It was neat. I had never been to one before, but it was hard to not think about Josh and what it would have been like to hang out with him. I just can't shake him. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I just don't know if it's fair to date Dave when Josh is constantly on my mind.


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I've been having computer issues this week and I haven't gotten to the library until now. No worries though, Alex's friend came over last night and worked on my computer. It should be up and running tonight.

Anyway, let me catch you up...

Friday night, out with Dave. We had a really good time, and he kissed me! We're going on a "date" Saturday night. The only thing is, I can't get Josh off my mind. Is it right to date Dave if I'm still thinking about Josh?

It's so annoying. Every time I think I'm ready to forget about Josh I end up having an encounter with him that makes my heart soar. Take Saturday for example. It was my first day at the swim club. I was working in the snack bar and I was getting napkins out of the back room. Josh had walked behind the counter to get a cup of ice and as I was walking out of the back room I slipped on some water. Josh managed to catch me before I fell. I found myself standing there with his hands holding me up, looking into those amazing blue eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day.

By Monday night I had talked myself out of Josh and into Dave. The problem? That night I had a dream about Josh. I can't remember all of it, but I remember that Josh and I were in the pool together and we were splashing each other. Somehow we ended up kissing. Now I can't get the dream out of my head! All I can think about is how amazing I felt in that dream and how much I wish it were real.

Am I kidding myself? Can I really date Dave when I so obviously want Josh?

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