Lindsay's a mess. I feel so helpless because I don't know how to help her. I actually wish Jennifer were here. I think she'd know how to help Lindsay.

I'm just dealing with so much of my own anger right now. I feel like I'm no help to her.

Sunday night I freaked out. Aunt Lu was at Lindsay's and I was home alone and I started getting upset. Josh stopped over to see how Lindsay was doing and found me in horrible shape. I don't know what I was thinking. I just kept going on about wanting to drink so that I could see what it was all about. I went to Aunt Lu's liquor cabinet and took out some whisky and told him that I had to know first hand what was so great about the stuff that people sacrifice their lives and their families to get drunk.

Well, Josh wouldn't let me drink. He took the bottle from me and I started to yell at him. I grabbed the bottle back from him and ran outside. When I got outside I threw the bottle on the ground just in time for Uncle Bill to drop Aunt Lu off at the house and see me in my rage. Embarrassing doesn't even begin to describe it.

Uncle Bill sent Josh home and Aunt Lu took me inside and calmed me down. I was just so angry and I needed to get it out, but I wish I hadn't done it in front of Josh.

On Monday morning, Josh stopped by to see me. I apologized for my behavior and he told me not to give it a second thought...still, I can't believe I did that!

I do owe him so much though. He's the one that drove Lindsay home on Saturday. If he hadn't been there and sober I'm not sure what would've happened to Lindsay. (The person throwing the party supposedly took everyone's keys - apparently she missed James.) He also stopped me from drinking on Sunday and has been a tower of strength to lean on all week.

We've spent so much time together this week. It's what I've wanted for so long, and I can't enjoy it because of the circumstances in which it's happening. All I can think about right now is poor Lindsay. She's going through hell.

Aunt Lu thinks that we both need couseling. Lindsay needs grief counseling, and I need counseling as the daughter of an alcoholic. Aunt Lu doesn't want me going into her liquor cabinet again. She's probably right. This is the first time that I'm really happy to be here and not in Florida was my drunk father and my enabling mother.

In other news...(It's hard to believe that there are other parts of my life right now. As the world turns, I guess.) Natalie and Alex really hit it off. He kissed her before she left. They've been emailing each other. I don't think either of them really expects a relationship out of it, but it's nice that they get along so well.

Lauren and I have also managed to work on the camp production for the summer. I think the kids will have a lot of fun with it.

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