I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do. Now that I know Alex and Becky are history, do I tell Molly? Is Alex still in love with her? AUGGGHHHHH! So many questions.

And then there's the Josh questions... Lauren told me this morning that Nancy keeps calling the house for Josh. Grrr... Why is there always some girl waiting on the sidelines to pounce on Josh the minute I finally feel like we're making a connection? Jennifer, Wendy, Nancy. It never ends. Why, oh why, can't I just have some time alone with him to find out if we stand a chance?

I'm counting down the seconds to tonight. I can't wait to see him, to look in his eyes and see what's there. And at midnight if I'm not in his arms then I'll know that it's time to move on. If he doesn't want to kiss me only one week from the most magical kiss of my life, then I'll know that we're not meant to be.

There it's in writing, so if I'm still pining for the guy next week and there was no kiss tonight then we'll all know I'm a big hypocrite.

But if there is a kiss tonight...well, then I'm holding on to him with both hands and any girl that tries to get in my way will be very sorry.

Grr...my computer crashed and I lost my whole post. So here it goes again...

This morning I got up early and went outside to meet Lauren to go pick up Molly's cat. Josh was outside packing up his car to head back to the Poconos. He asked me if I am going to Alex's party tomorrow night. I told him yes and he said, "I think I'll come home for that." Yippie! That means I'll see him tomorrow. I just hope I can be the one to kiss him at midnight!

Lauren and I picked out a cute white female kitten with black and gray patches on her fur. She's adorable. I almost wanted to keep her for myself, but the look on Molly's face when we gave her the kitten was priceless. She was so happy and it reminded me what this season is all about...faith, love and giving.

Lauren and I spent the rest of the day like couch potatoes. Apparently she had ten episodes of "Roswell" saved on the TiVo and Josh was threatening to delete them. We spent the whole afternoon watching the show. I didn't watch when it originally aired but I love it now! Liz and Max remind me of me and Josh...Okay, so I have a one track mind...

After dinner Alex stopped by to see him. He and Beck have been fighting since we ran into them the other night. Becky thinks that Alex is still in love with Molly and broke things off with him today. The poor guy...he looked so depressed that I didn't have the heart to ask him if it's true...if he is still hung up on Molly.

I'm so hung up on Josh. It drives me nuts. It's like today when I was watching TV, I could see us in the characters. It's like I'm obsessed!

What did Josh mean when he said, "I think I'll come home for that?" Was it some sort of message? Did he mean, "I have to kiss you at midnight because you're in my blood and I need you to stay alive?" Or was it just something to say?

Does he even go through half of what I go through? Does he feel like he's holding his breath until he sees me? Does he feel like every second of every day is meant to be preparation for our next meeting? That the only thing that's important is those few moments - so precious and few - that we're together?

Does he think about me non-stop like I think about him? Is he as tortured when we're not together as I am? Does he think about our kiss and relive it in his mind everytime he's alone? Does he lie awake at night wondering what's going to happen between us?

Or is it just me? Am I alone in this? Am I facing unrequited love and inevitable heartache and misery?

Last night Molly and I ran into Alex and Becky last night. Becky was showing us the necklace that Alex bought her for Christmas. Poor Molly looked like she was going to cry. She was so upset the rest of the night.

I saw Lauren this morning who told me that her friend's cat had kittens a few weeks ago and they are trying to give the kittens away. We set up a time for me to go over there tomorrow morning and pick up a new kitten for Molly. Her cat died a few months ago and I asked her mom if it would be okay for me to get Molly a kitten. So tomorrow Molly gets a new pet. I hope it will cheer her up a little.

I'm working for Mrs. Anderson today, but it's slow so I decided to sign in. Josh called a little while ago for his mom. Apparently Keith broke his leg last night so Josh drove him home to Baltimore in Keith's car and now Josh is on a train back to Philadelphia. He needed his mom to go pick him up downtown. I felt bad for him. He's missing his trip to the Poconos and he sounded absolutely exhausted.

It's been a busy past few days and also an amazing past few days.

Friday night - Christmas Eve - was the party at the Anderson's house. The place looked amazing. Mrs. Anderson had the entire house decorated for Christmas. The party was fun. There were a lot of people there and the house was crowded.

When I got there Josh, Molly and I exchanged presents. Molly got me the Ryan Cabrera CD that I've been wanting and a necklace. Josh got me a cashmere scarf and gloves. He said he wanted to make sure I'd stay warm this winter since I'm not used to the cold.

Josh played the piano and everyone sang Christmas carols. And there was so much food there, I thought I was going to stuff myself.

Later in the evening, Aunt Lu and my parents decided to go home. I told them I wanted to say good-bye to Josh first so I went to find him. I told him I was leaving and somehow we got sidetracked and started talking about his trip to the Pocono's (he's there now for the week). Well, his aunt walked by and informed us that we were standing under the mistletoe - which we didn't even notice.

Josh smiled at me and said, "We really shouldn't break tradition," and of course I agreed with him. So he moved closer to me and put his hands on my waist and asked me if I was nervous. I said I was a little nervous and he said, "I promise to be gentle." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So cute!

So he touched my face and the next thing I knew he was kissing me - finally kissing me. And it wasn't just a friendly peck. It was a real kiss. The most amazing kiss. A kiss that makes my heart soar every time I think about it.

For the first time in my life I really know what they mean when they say "weak in the knees" and "take my breath away" because I felt both. When the kiss was over his mother was calling him so he told me not to leave yet and walked off. I swear I had to grab the wall to keep me standing because my knees were so weak.

Lauren came in and asked me if I was okay. I composed myself pretty well and she told me she wanted to show me a present that she got for her mom.

Later I went back to find Josh and he was taking down the mistletoe. I asked him why and he told me that Denise (some girl I've never even heard of) cornered him under it. I was kind of mad and was like, "you kissed another girl?"

He looked at me and said the sweetest thing I've ever heard. He said, "Nicole, the kiss with her was nothing but lips. But the kiss with you was the kiss that will keep me warm all winter long." He then walked me home and kissed me again at the front door. It was amazing!

***********************************

Christmas Day was great. My dad was on good behavior and everyone seemed happy. Josh stopped over around lunch time and told me that he had another present for me. He said he had chickened out of giving it to me the night before but he really wanted me to have it. I opened it and it was the sterling silver bracelet that I had wanted!!!!!!!!!!

I asked him how he knew about it and he said he had seen me admiring it at Bon Ton's. He asked the saleswoman and she told him that I was always looking at it. It was so sweet. I gave him a big hug and it somehow turned into another kiss!

That was the last time I saw him. On the 26th, he left for the Pocono's with Kelly, Jason and a bunch of his college friends. I'm missing him like crazy. I want to know what's going to happen next, where we go from here, and if he's really as crazy for me as I am for him.

All in all, Christmas was great. I got everything on my list. I also got a cell phone. My mom wants to be able to get a hold of me whenever she wants.

I'm heading down to the mall with Molly this afternoon. We want to use some of our gift cards!

Today is looking good so far. I got to study hall and logged on to my email. One from Josh...he wants me to go out for ice cream tonight. :)

My mom called last night and said that she and my father would be here for Christmas. I told her she could leave him at home but she just ignored me. So they are coming now. I'm glad I'll see my mom but I'm kind of mad that it had to be a big production.

Everyone here at school is in a happy mood. We're all stir crazy though. We want to get out of here and start the fun.

More later.

N.

One more day to go and I am free!!!!!!!!!!! Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas time is here!

Well, Saturday was great but Saturday night was an almost-disaster. After I finished blogging, I got on the phone with my mom who informed me that my dad wants to go to Tennessee for Christmas instead of coming up here to see their ownly daughter. He'd rather go see my grandparents.

I was furious and went to Jen's house in a huff. When I got there I saw Nancy throwing herself all over Josh - as usual. Grrr... This made matters worse. I decided to go outside for some fresh air - not even thinking how cold it was.

The next part is why it was an "almost-disaster" and not a complete disaster. Josh walked out with my coat and asked me why I was standing outside. I explained it all to him. First he suggested I go to Tennessee but then told me how great a Pennsylvania Christmas would be even without my parents. He told me about the big church party that they have on Sunday night (Aunt Lu and I went the next night). He said that Aunt Lu always goes to his family's Christmas Eve party and that there is no way I'd get a white Christmas if I went south. He also said that everyone on the block goes to Molly's family's boxing day party. I actually started to not care so much about what my parents are doing.

I was feeling better about staying here until Monday morning hit. Okay, let me state for the record that 50 degrees is tough on this Florida bred body, but 20 degrees!!!! You have got to be kidding me! It's like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. I am counting the seconds until a warm front moves in.

Spring...hello? Can you hear me? Get here soon!!!!!

I swear. I will go to Punxsutawney and pull that ground hog out of the ground myself so that spring can get here faster. And now that I live in Pennsylvania that should be easier to do! :)

The only problem is my driver's license. I'm a pretty good driver at this point. I just don't want to get my license. I know it's ridiculous and Molly and Alex are totally on to me, but I'm afraid that once I get the license I'll no longer have an excuse for Josh to take me out for a ride. How lame is that? I can't help it though. I feel so safe when I'm with him...

Seriously, Santa, if you can hear me...bring me Josh for Christmas. I just need him under my tree with a big red bow. That's all I want. Pretty please?

This morning I got up and got on the computer. I signed on to AIM and within seconds Josh IMed me! He asked me what I was doing today. I told him I was going to walk over to Bon Ton's to get some Christmas presents. Next thing I knew we were going Christmas shopping together!

We had so much fun. We went to Bon Tons and the Hallmark Store. Then we headed over to the mall. It was a mad house over there. It took us a half hour to find a parking spot. I didn't care though...there are worse things than being stuck alone in a car with a guy that you adore! :)

Tonight is Jen's holiday party. I bought a red sweater a few weeks ago that I am going to debut tonight. I think Josh will like it.

Well, Aunt Lu just informed me that my mom is on the phone so that's all for now... update on the party coming soon!

Ta ta!

I can't wait. It's only one week away and then Christmas break will be here. I really need this break. I want some time off really badly.

Saturday night is the Christmas party at Jennifer's. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to forget school for a little while and enjoy the holidays. I'm feeling festive, and I'm hoping to get Josh under the mistletoe this weekend! (Keep your fingers crossed!)

On Sunday I'm baking cookies with Lauren. She begged me to help her make gingerbread men. I can't wait.

That's all for now!

Love, Me.

Wow, it snowed this morning! I wasn't expecting that at all but there were flurries coming down. I am keeping my fingers crossed for a white Christmas. I've never had one before and I really want my first Christmas in Pennsylvania to be white.

Things are been uneventful. No one is thinking about school. Everyone is thinking about Christmas break. I can't wait to have a week off. It will be so wonderful to not have anything that I have to do! In the interim, it seems that we are all just trying to pass time until December 23rd rolls around.

This weekend is Jennifer's holiday party. She actually invited Molly which I think is quite amazing considering that just last year they hated each other. Josh will also be going so I'll get to see him. I'll also get to see him tomorrow night. We're going out for a ride so I can get some driving practice in! :)

Caroling didn't happen Friday night. The weather wasn't good. But Josh did hang out with us at Molly's house. He even invited me back to his house.

As we were leaving Nancy cornered him outside - in the rain! - while he was sick! Grrr... Lauren and I went inside her house and she asked me if there was something going on between me and Josh. I told her I think he's a great guy and she smiled and said we'd make a cute couple! I told her not to jump the gun, but I was happy that she'd be supportive of a Nicole-Josh pairing!

When Josh came in he looked kind of annoyed about having to stand out in the rain - I was glad about that! Down with Nancy!!! LOL

The three of us were talking for a long time. Lauren left the room at some point and neither Josh nor I noticed. I kind of felt bad about it but we were so engrossed in our conversation that we didn't notice her leave.

He invited me to go to New York with him the next day but I couldn't. I had promised to babysit Brett. I'm not sure Aunt Lu would have let me anyway...but I was happy to get an invite!!!!

Jennifer did her choir project today in class. She sang the Kelly Clarkson song, "Anytime." I knew Jennifer had a good voice but she blew everyone away. She was absolutely incredible. I think everyone was in awe. Brian, this guy that she thinks is adorable, went up to her after class and told her how good she was. I was really happy for her.

I can't get the song out of my head now. I have that CD but I never really listened to the song. There was just one line in it that struck me: "And I can’t help but want you more than I want to..." That line is so my life...

We're supposed to go caroling tonight, but the weather isn't cooperating. We're all meeting and Molly's at seven. We still don't know if Josh is coming. He's still not feeling that great. He told Molly he would give her a call later. I really hope he comes. I've barely seen him since we got back from Florida and it's driving me crazy!!!!

Alex and Becky are coming over to Molly's house tonight. That should be interesting! Molly is going to have Paul there so that she can continue to try to make Alex jealous. Poor Paul, he seems like a nice guy.

Molly had it out with the vice-principal today. She's really upset that she can't decorate the student council office for Christmas. I was really impressed with her. She comes off as a flake sometimes but she's really very smart. She was going off about how political correctness is destroying this country. She said that only unhappy people try to take the joy of the season away from others. It didn't change the VP's mind - he's a cantankerous old scrooge - but it was a good argument.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Things are always busy this time of year. The only reason I have time to post now is because our teacher is out sick so we got study hall this period.

Tonight is the choir's holiday concert. Notice I said "holiday" and not "Christmas." God forbid you actually celebrate Christmas these days. Molly and I wanted to put a small Christmas tree in the student council office but we were told we weren't allowed because it might offend someone. We were told we could decorate with a "winter theme" but nothing holiday specific. Molly was so annoyed that she decided that she didn't want to decorate at all.

Alex and I are still living up our "fifteen minutes" after the talent show on Friday night. We stole the show! There were a few mistakes but we covered them well and no one noticed. After the show we went out for ice cream and Molly rubbed her new man in Alex's face. We never went out on Sunday though...Josh got sick so we called the whole thing off.

Molly is organizing a Christmas Caroling group this weekend though and she's demanding that Josh be there. I'm hoping that he feels better so he can come. He called his mom at work yesterday and I answered the phone. I hardly recognized him. His voice was completely gone and he sounded miserable. Poor guy... :(

My mom keeps bothering me for a Christmas Wish List. I've been thinking about what I want for the holidays and this is what I've come up with to give her:

1) Speakers for my MP3 player

2) The first season DVD of Everwood

3) Jessica Simpson Reality Tour Live DVD

4) Rollerblades (my old ones are falling apart!)

5) Cashmere sweater

6) A sterling silver bracelet that I've been eyeing for the past few months. No one knows that I want it though so I probably won't get it. :(

7) Josh - he would look so cute sitting under my Christmas Tree!

Tonight is the talent show. I'm so excited. I can't believe how much I'm looking forward to dancing for everyone tonight. I asked Josh yesterday if he would be there and he said "of course!" He said there was no way he would miss it after watching our rehearsals.

I'm already in a dancing mood. I've been listening to Usher's "Yeah" all afternoon. I like it because it reminds me of when Josh and I danced to it at the Homecoming Dance.

The more I think about Sunday, the more glad I am that Molly insisted that Josh and I go on her date. It means that I'll get to spend more time with him. And now that I know he thinks our first kiss should be special, all I have to do is wait for that perfect moment.

Today was the first day that I've seen Josh since we got back from Florida. He came into his mother's office with a big box of copy paper that she had asked him to pick up. He sat down next to my desk to talk when Molly walked in. (I'm still annoyed with her for visiting me at work!) She tells us that she has a date with some guy named Paul, and that she doesn't want to go out alone with him and asks if Josh and I will go with her. So Josh asks her why she's going on a date with him if she doesn't want to be alone with him, and she tells us she's just trying to make Alex jealous!

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

How will Alex even know? That's the thing. She wants me to mention it to him tomorrow at the talent show. (Yep, tomorrow is the big Cha Cha number!)

Josh laughed at her and told her that she should just talk to Alex instead of playing games with him, but she managed to talk us into chaperoning her little date. The four of us are going out Sunday night.

Now don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see Josh on Sunday, I just wish we weren't going out to make Molly feel safe with her date. And the poor guy - he probably has no idea that he is a pawn in Molly's game to get Alex.