This weekend has been like a rollercoaster ride. Let's start with the good stuff: Molly's party.

Saturday I was a nervous wreck and I don't know what I would have done without Josh there to help keep me calm. Alex was so nervous about going out with Molly that he was over at Josh's house all afternoon trying to convince Josh to take her out instead. Josh told me later that he practically had to kick Alex out of the house.

We got to the party and everyone was there about a half hour before Molly and Alex were supposed to get there - everyone except Kelly. I was convinced that she wasn't going to show up since she had surgery just a few days before but she called me and told me she was coming. She showed up ten minutes after Molly was supposed to get there but still no Molly. Another 10 minutes more and Molly and Alex still weren't there, and I was starting to get worried. Josh came up with a hundred different reasons they could be late...traffic, slow restaurant, etc. and tried to keep me from worrying. He made me dance with him which took the edge off my nervousness.

After 45 minutes of waiting for them people were starting to get anxious and Kelly was afraid she would have to go before Molly showed up. Finally after 50 some minutes of waiting Alex and Molly came in. Molly was completely surprised. The look on her face was priceless and that helped make up for all of the apprehension I was feeling before.

I later pulled Alex aside and asked him what happened. He told me it was his fault and apologized. He said that he and Molly were talking and lost track of time. I thought it was a lame excuse but I didn't press it. When Molly and I had a second to talk she told me that we had to have a chat after the party about things that had happened between her and Alex. I asked her if they were good things and she said, "Very good things!"

Kelly had to leave the party about a half hour after Molly got there but Molly was grateful that she managed to get there.

Later in the evening I was sitting off to the side by myself, just watching and observing the success of the party. Josh came over and sat with me. He told me I was a great party planner and I thanked him for his help.

He looked so cute sitting there so I leaned over and whispered, "What do you think Molly and Alex were doing all that time?" He just grinned and whispered back, "Well, they look really happy." We decided something big had happened between Molly and Alex and I was so glad my plan had worked.

My plan of whispering secrets with Josh worked too because he had moved even closer to me. His face was so close to mine while we talked. I was afraid he could hear the voice in my head begging him to kiss me. Of course he couldn't and he didn't kiss me. But he did smile at me and he took my hand and said, "Come on, Hostess. You need to get on the dance floor."

We walked over to where everyone was dancing and he pulled me close, and it reminded me again of Christmas Eve and I wanted to relive that moment all over again. We smiled at each other and then he pulled me real close.

I looked at Molly who was dancing with Alex. She flashed me a big smile and I knew she was happy. I hoped that we would both get our guys. What could be more perfect than Josh and me double dating with Molly and Alex?

When the party ended Molly and I made plans to meet up over at Aunt Lu's house so I could get all of the details of Molly's date with Alex.

Josh drove me home and asked if I wanted to go for a driving lesson this week since the streets aren't so icy. We made plans for Tuesday night and then I went inside.

Molly got there a few minutes later and told me that her evening was perfect. She and Alex talked about how much they liked each other and he kissed her! Yippie! Finally. Alex and Molly. She told me that they were going ice skating the next night and that I had to go with them. I thought it was strange but I think Molly's still a little nervous about Alex.

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So the next night I go outside to meet Molly and Alex for ice skating and I found out that Alex had invited Josh. I figured it was to get me out of the way so he could be alone with Molly but I found out later that he had asked Josh to come because he was nervous.

So Molly and Alex skated off and I practically had to pull Josh into the rink. I figured out pretty quickly why he didn't want to skate. He's horrible! I couldn't help but tease him a little. I finally found something that he isn't great at! It gave me an opportunity to help him with something for once. He took my arm and I helped him around a few times. Of course he caught on quickly but it was nice to teach him something instead of the other way around.

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When we got home, Lauren ran out the door the minute we pulled up. Josh's uncle (the one who's sick) had OD'ed on sleeping pills or something and had died. Lauren was frantic because Mr. Anderson was on a business trip and Mrs. Anderson wasn't handling the news well at all. Josh said he'd talk to me later and ran into the house.

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Lauren wasn't at school today and I haven't heard from either of them. It doesn't look like anyone is home so I haven't stopped by. I just feel so bad. Everyone knew he was going to die but no one figured he would take his own life. No one was prepared for that.

Before James died last year I had never really dealt with death. I'm just so bad at it. I don't know what to say or do. I feel so helpless. What can you say? Are there even words that exist that will heal the pain? Or even just ease it?

I want to see Josh so badly. I want to give him a hug and be there for him. I don't know how he feels about this. I don't know how he's handling things. I'm just so on edge.

I'm comfortable being there for Josh but I'm nervous about seeing Mrs. Anderson. What if I say or do the wrong thing? What if I make things worse?

I thought after seeing what Lindsay went through I'd be able to handle things like this better, but I can't. I am completely inept when it comes to this stuff.

I asked Aunt Lu what we would do and she said we would be there for them and lend a helping hand and support if they needed it.

I just wish Josh would call. :(

It is soooooo cold and it's not doing my body good. I've been sick for the past three days. Yesterday and today I've stayed home from school. I have to get better for Molly's b-day party on Saturday. Thank God changing it to this week wasn't a problem. Alex convinced Molly to go out with him on Saturday night so she still has no idea. The only thing that worries me is that Kelly had surgery on her knee this morning. She said she'd be at the party, but I'm worried that she won't have the energy and that Molly will be disappointed.

Math is another thing that's driving me crazy right now. I hate math. I just am not good with numbers, but if I want to get into a top school I have to get better at it. The weird thing is that I scored really high on the math section of my PSATs, I just can't do as well in class.

On Sunday I was totally stressing so Josh convinced Kelly to tutor me. She is so smart - Princeton student. She really helped me figure it out and if it weren't for her I would have failed my test on Tuesday.

Nothing going on in the Josh department. I know he cares about me. He drove me all the way to Princeton on Sunday afternoon so Kelly could help me. And like everyone else in this city, I'm sure he would have rather been watching the Eagles game. But as far as a romantic gesture: none, zip, zero, zilch, nada...I could keep going on but you get the picture.

If it weren't for that Christmas Eve kiss, and the way I feel every time I think about it, I would give up. But the thought of feeling that way again, of having a kiss that magical again keeps me wanting him. There has got to be some way to get through!

Anyway, back to bed. My head is starting to hurt again and I'm determined to feel better!

Sorry for the lack of posts. Not much is going on. School work has been heavy and we had to postpone Molly's party. :( The snow is coming down hard so we decided not to even bother with the party this weekend. No one would be able to come.

I'm not big on being snowed in - Florida girl and all - but it's not so bad. Molly, Josh, Lauren and I are going to hang out later tonight. It's nice that they live so close. We can all be snowed in together.

That's all for now.

Love,
Me.

Alex asked Molly to have dinner with him the night of her party. Of course, she has no idea that she's having a party. She just thinks that he asked her out for dinner. She came running up to me before lunch and was estatic. I just hope that now that I've gotten them together, they're get together!

I had a hard time not laughing when Alex came up to me later in the day and told me how surprised he was that Molly said yes. The poor guy has no idea...I feel bad not telling him but I can't blab Molly's secret. I think the best thing is to just let it play out. If they both like each other they'll get together.

Things are also going well with our junior project. It's taught me a lot about music and culture. I'm listening to a lot of stuff that I never listened to before and I really like it. I think knowing the history and the cultural impact has made a difference. I always thought Sinatra and Elvis were overrated but now that I know more about them I appreciate their music much more.

I saw Josh yesterday when I went to work. His mom wasn't there but he was in her office working on something for her. He told me about his uncle. He seems like he's handling things well but he seemed stressed. He said his mom is really upset. He asked me how the plans were going for Molly's party and told me that he would still help me with decorations and favors this weekend. It seemed like he needed to get his mind off of things.

As we were talking I asked him if he knew the name of one of the slow songs we danced to the other night. I can't get the melody of out of my head. His face kind of lit up when I asked and he said, "Why?" I told him that it's been in my head and he just grinned and shook his head. I don't know what he was thinking but he did tell me the name of the song: "Moonlight Serenade." It's amazing to me that he knows every song that exists!

After work I got a call from Mona, the dance studio owner. She invited me over to join one of her classes for the evening. It was a dance aerobics class. I dragged Molly along with me and we got a great workout. I really like the studio and Mona seems to like me. She told me again that I should apply for a job.

I would love to work there but I don't feel right about quitting on Mrs. Anderson right now. She has too much going on. I actually volunteered to work again this afternoon to help out since she's spending a lot of time with her brother. I know there's nothing I can do to keep him alive, but I keep praying that he will go with as little pain and suffering as possible - for both him and his family.

Lauren was crying in school today. I thought it had to do with Greg but her family found out that her uncle is dying of cancer and only has a few weeks to live! I felt horrible for her - for her family... I haven't seen Josh yet and I don't know if I should bring it up to him or let him tell me. I'm so bad with this kind of stuff. I never know what to say or how to act. I felt the same way with Lindsay when James died. I didn't know what to do. Maybe Aunt Lu can tell me the appropriate way to handle things.

Maybe I should lighten the mood of the blog now... Things for Molly's party are looking up. We have a lot of people coming. I don't think I mentioned that Josh convinced his uncle (a different uncle - the one who owns the swim club) to let us use one of the rooms at the club for the party. We thought it would throw Molly off and make it less likely that she sees people before hand.

Things are looking good for our junior project. Alex convinced this guy, Tom, to play guitar in our show. Tom is to the guitar what Josh is to the piano. He's fantastic! He just moved here this year so we don't know him well but he seems like a nice guy.

My evening out with Josh was every bit amazing as I thought it would be. For some reason I had a bad feeling yesterday, I don't know why. I just thought that something would happen to keep our night from happening, but nothing did.

We started the evening by going to a restaurant in town. It was really nice to sit down in a quiet restaurant and eat good food and have good conversation.

After dinner we went to the dance studio in town. On Saturday nights they have dance parties and last night was a swing dancing night. We were the youngest people there but it was a blast. I haven't had a chance to dance like that in a long time and Josh is a great swing dancer.

One of the women that works there came up to me and asked if I was a dancer. We got to talking and she told me that I should come in for some lessons. She also told me that I they like to hire people my age to help out with some of the classes. Josh thinks I should go for it, but I already have a job. I'll probably look into taking a class though.

The best part of the night was the slow dances. There is nothing better than a slow dance. It's such a great excuse to be in Josh's arms. And when he talks to me while we're dancing that close I can feel his breath on my skin. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

When we got back to my house I asked him to come in for hot chocolate. He looked like he was going to say no but he said yes. We walked in and Aunt Lu was on the phone with my mother who insisted on talking to me. Josh decided he better leave! I tried to tell him I'd only be a minute but he insisted that he should go. He kissed me on the cheek and left. I was so mad! The night was perfect except for that! And all I got was a kiss on the cheek. :(

Except for the ending the night was amazing and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this isn't the last outting for the two of us.

Last night was fun. Molly and I got to Alex's house around 7:00. We got an hour in the hot tub before it started to rain. It was weird, I've never been in a hot tub outside in 50 degree weather before. Josh stopped by for about a half hour but he had plans with Jason so he left by 8:00. Jennifer and Terry seem to be hitting it off. I'm happy for her.

Tonight's the big night. Out with Josh. I still don't know if it's a date but I don't care. I just want to spend time with him and show him how fabulous I am and how he just must love me! ;)

Well my plans for the evening came about in a strange way. Jennifer called me last night and told me that Alex is having people over to go in his hot tub on Saturday night and that I have to be there. Well I informed her that I couldn't go because I was going out with Josh. So she told me to bring him along and I said no so they changed it to tonight!

See, Jennifer met Terry at Alex's party last weekend and now she likes him. Since he only really knows Josh, Molly and I, she insisted that we be there so it wouldn't be so weird for her to invite him. Anyway, Molly and I are going to Alex's house tonight to hang out with Alex, Lindsay, Jennifer and Terry in the hot tub. I'm not sure if Josh will be there or not. It should be an interesting night though. I can actually see Jennifer and Terry together so I kind of hope it works out.

And tomorrow night I'll be out with Josh! He told me we have 6:30 dinner reservations and to wear my dancing shoes! I can't wait!

Ugghhh, Molly and I got detention for talking in class today. The teacher warned us to be quiet but we kept it up. We got a second warning so Molly wrote it down and passed it to me. That's when we got it. The thing is that Molly was telling me something about Josh and Jennifer that happened last year that I didn't know about. I wanted to hear the whole story and then the bell rang and class began and I kept pressing Molly for info. Anyway, because of it, we're both going to be sitting in detention on Monday. My parents are going to flip. I've never had detention before. I'm sure Aunt Lu won't be too happy either. :(

Molly told me, or rather, confessed to me the whole story at lunch. Apparently last year Josh hadn't asked anyone to the prom. We're not sure why he waited so long. Anyway, Molly saw him talking to me and assumed that he was going to ask me. At the time she didn't really know me but she hated Jennifer and decided to antagonize Jennifer. She cornered Jen in the bathroom and told her that it was rumored that Josh was going to ask Jen to the prom, but it looked like Josh was going to change his mind and ask me instead. I guess that's what got Jen into a tizzy and made her tell me to stay away from him. Molly was really upset about it and was apologizing. I'm not really mad at her. She didn't know me at the time and she wasn't trying to do anything to me. I'm just glad she told me because now I understand what made Jennifer so possessive of Josh back then.

Alex has moved back to our lunch table now that he and Becky are over. It's nice to have him around and I know Molly likes having him there, but we can no longer talk about him so the conversation has turned to them bugging me about Josh. Alex says I should just tell Josh how I feel. Molly says I should stop pretending that I don't know how to drive. Alex, of course agrees with her.

I totally see where they're coming from, but I don't want to lose any opportunity I can get to be near him. When I get my license I'll no longer be able to snag a ride from him, or get him to take me out to practice. Right now it's perfect. When we're in the car it's just the two of us and that's what I want. Call me crazy, I don't care. It's working. Josh picked me up at school today and drove me to work and he's taking me out to the party store on Sunday afternoon.

I think Lauren is planning some scheme to get back at this Greg guy for writing on her notebook. Every time I passed her in the hallway at school today she looked like she was up to something. I think Greg woke a sleeping giant with Lauren. I think she's been annoyed for awhile now. Ever since last year when she had a confrontation with this girl, Dana, who is a big bully. Dana spread a bunch of rumors about Lauren and tried to beat her up after school. She would have too if I hadn't been walking home from the library that day. I happened to see it and intervened. That was the day I first got to know Lauren. Incidentally, Dana's older sister is Nancy. Ironic, isn't it?

Josh picked me up from school today for my driving lesson but I ended up not driving. Aunt Lu called and informed me that I wasn't to drive in this weather. It was only raining but I think she was afraid it would be icy.

Josh suggested that we at least use the time constructively. I agreed, however, my idea of using the time constructively was different than his. I was thinking we could make out, he was thinking we could send out the evite to Molly's birthday party. Jeez, am I like weird or something? I'm like a guy! I wanted to make out! As we drove home I kept thinking about what Molly always says, "Go out before you make out." She says that Rules Girls don't hook up. They expect dates and wooing. She's right! I need to get my head together and my hormones in check.

Anyway, we went to my house. Josh's mom won't let him have girls in his room, but Aunt Lu was okay with me having Josh in my room as long as we kept the door open. It was kind of weird having Josh in my room. Especially since last night I was writing: "Josh and Nicole" and "Nicole and Josh" and "Mrs. Nicole Anderson" on little pieces of paper and surrounding them with hearts. I know, pathetic. I'm just thanking God that Aunt Lu cleaned out my trash can this morning!

It took us about an hour an half but we got the evite sent. I can't wait to see who all is coming. I just hope everyone keeps it a secret.

Before Josh left he mentioned that it's been exactly a year since we met. I can't believe he remembers that! Last year at this time I was starting my first day at school here in Pennsylvania. It seems like a lifetime ago.

So figuring out how to convince Alex to take Molly out the night of her party has been tough. Josh and I were on the phone last night for an hour throwing ideas around. We know that Alex would love to take Molly out, but we also know that he's too chicken to ask her. We decided that the direct approach is probably best.

I told Alex to meet me at the office to give me a ride home from work today. Josh just "happened to stop by to see his mom." We kind of pushed the idea on Alex, but it's all set. Alex is going to take Molly to dinner before the party. He's not going to ask her until next week though. I think she'd be suspicious if he brought it up now. I think he's a little suspicious too. Josh and I were pretty persistent. Poor Alex...he doesn't think Molly will even say yes! Josh and I were trying not to laugh when he said that.

Lauren is steaming mad. Apparently this guy, Greg, wrote "Lauren Loves Brett" all over her notebook and Brett saw it. Brett, by the way, is a senior and a lot of girls think he's cute. Lauren was mortified. She came into her mom's office this afternoon and was telling me about it. She has plans for Greg. She seriously wants to get him back.

Josh just called me a few minutes ago. We were supposed to go out for a drive tonight but he had some family emergency. :( We're going to do it tomorrow after school instead. It kind of works out better because Aunt Lu gets nervous about me driving in the dark - and I don't have to walk home from school. I just hope whatever is going on isn't too much of an emergency. I noticed that Mrs. Anderson looked really stressed today.

I went to church this morning with Aunt Lu and it got me thinking about kindness and friendship. I decided that I'm going to throw a surprise party for Molly's birthday. I don't have much time to plan though...that's the only thing. I want to plan the party for the 23rd so that only gives me three weeks.

While I was sitting there listening and thinking about this I felt like someone was watching me. I looked over my shoulder and saw the Andersons sitting a few rows back. Josh was looking right at me and he flashed me the cutest smile when our eyes met!

After the service I told Josh my idea. He thought it was great and he had a fantastic idea... We were trying to figure out how to distract Molly so we could get her there without her finding out. Well, Josh suggested we get Alex to take her out to dinner before the party! Isn't that fabulous?

He also offered to help me pick up supplies and food...since I still can't drive alone. See, pretending that I still can't drive is kind of working out well!

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So last night Molly and I went to the coffee shop to catch up. She loves the kitten. She was telling me about all of the toys she bought for her. Apparently her mother has also fallen in love with the cat. I'm so glad it's made her happy.

We also talked about Alex a lot. Molly is thrilled that he's single. She even told poor old Paul that he's history. She wants to be available in case Alex remembers that he's crazy in love with her. I didn't tell her that Becky broke up with him for just that reason. I feel like I'm in a weird position. I feel bad for not telling Molly, but I would feel bad for breaking Alex's trust. Josh is right. I should just keep my mouth shut and let things play out the way they're supposed to.

We also talked about my day with Josh and how I managed to get a dinner outing with him. I'm not ready to call it a date yet, since I'm the one who initiated it. I'm afraid that he sees me as some little girl next door who's still trying to figure this Pennsylvania thing out. Molly thinks I'm crazy. She said, "I don't think Josh ever saw you that way."

I just hope this thing with him is real. That is goes somewhere and doesn't just fade away.

The New Year started just right. I suppose the only thing that was important about last night is that at midnight I was with Josh, but so much was going on.

When I got there I saw Terry from the swim club! I haven't seen him in a few months. Two of his friends know Alex so they brought him along. We were talking when I saw Josh walk in. Of course Nancy cornered him, but we made eye contact and he mouthed "hi" to me. I decided to get him away from Nancy so I went upstairs (the party was in Alex's basement) and I called him on his cell phone. I told him to meet me outside.

So a few minutes later he walked out and we started to talk about the situation with Alex and Becky and I didn't know what to do about telling Molly. Well, I saw a shooting star and Josh asked me if I made a wish. I told him I did and then he asked if he could kiss me at midnight! Of course I accepted.

We went back inside and kind so got pulled in different directions for awhile until Molly decided to pull out the 90's trivial pursuit. Josh and I decided to be on a team together. Everyone was whispering answers to their partners and at one point Josh leaned in and whispered, "I can't wait to kiss you." My heart was doing flip-flops in my chest.

When midnight came we kissed, but it wasn't like our Christmas Eve kiss. It wasn't quite as long or as passionate. I guess it would have been weird to kiss like that in front of everyone. I'm not complaining. It was great, it just wasn't as earth shaking. We then went outside to watch the fireworks and Josh put his arm over my shoulder while we watched.

This morning he called and asked if I wanted to go for a drive. I said yes, but then he said we had to give the car a bath before we went. Well, I wasn't about to be tricked into washing his car so I told him that he had to do a few things for me before I agreed. I told him that he had to drive me to the mall to exchange a sweater, buy me an Auntie Anne's pretzel and transpose a song for me. I didn't think he'd agree to all of that but he did so I helped him wash the car.

When we finished we drove down to the mall, exchanged the sweater, stopped at the music store and got pretzels.

As we were driving home I teased him that if I had known he'd be so easy I would have asked for more. He laughed and asked what I would have demanded from him. I said, "I don't know, maybe I'd make you take me to a movie or out to dinner..." I was joking but he looked at me seriously and said, "You want to go out to dinner?"

I kind of started freaking out in my head. The last thing I want to do is scare him off or make him feel like I'm moving a lot faster than he is... His cell phone rang and I seriously felt saved by the bell. He took the call because it was his mom. When he hung up the phone he said, "So dinner, huh?" My heart was racing and I was like, "Well, about dinner..." and he cut me off and said, "Next Saturday?" I've never felt so relieved in my life.

So Next Saturday...Me, Josh...and dinner!