I know it's been a while. I got back from Florida for a few weeks ago and I've been playing catch up at the dance studio ever since. I don't think I ever really considered how time consuming owning my own studio would be. I guess I always thought people who were self-employeed could just kind of do their own thing. I have no time for anything but work. Even when I was in Florida, working like crazy down there, I'd go back to my room at night and do work for the studio. It was kind of a relief to get back home.

So...I'm sure you're wondering what happened when Josh came to Florida to visit. We had a good time. We talked and I was really glad to have him back in my life. When I got home he picked me up at the airport and we were hanging out a bit. I thought we might be getting back on track, but then I found out that when we were apart he had slept with someone else. I know that he was totally free to do that, but I was crushed. I guess I just thought it would always be just him and me...I know, it sounds stupid, but I'm hurt.

I ended up telling him I need space. I need to process things. I'm not mad at him. I know he did nothing wrong. I just need to get over my disappointment.

So that is where things are at now. This week is our dance recital so I'm pretty busy. I've got lots of things to think about and work on now.

I realize it's been a few weeks since my last post. I've been busy since I've been down here in Florida. I'm teaching lots of dance classes, trying to manage the dance studio remotely, and enjoying the beautiful weather. I've spent a lot of time sitting on the beach. :)

Natalie, Jason and Josh are coming down on Friday for a four day weekend. Yep, Josh is coming too! We've been emailing each other a lot the past few weeks. Checking email has become a whole new experience. All I want is to see his name in my inbox. I know that sounds silly after all that we've been through, but I'm just so happy that we're communicating again. I am so excited to see him!

I'm in Florida and I'm all settled in. I guess I'm glad to be here. It's hard to say. Last week ended on a crazy note. Thursday night I got a call from one of the bartenders at Angelo's and he told me that Josh was there and was sick and doubled over in pain.

I went over to see if he was okay and he didn't look good at all. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but he insisted that I take him home. We got in the car and started to head towards his house, but I just had a bad feeling about it so I turned around and took him to the Emergency Room.

It's a good thing I did. He had a severe case of appendicitis. They had to do surgery to remove it. I called his parents and they came and sat with me in the waiting room. I was freaked out. Something didn't feel right and I found out later that his blood pressure was all messed up during the surgery. Then I was completely freaked out.

When I finally got to see him in recovery I just started talking. I told him everything. I told him about the letters and how I love him and how I want him back. I told him how when I picture my life he's in all the pictures...wedding pictures, first home pictures, baby pictures, the whole nine yards. He was, however, unconscious so he heard none of it.

I did go back to the hospital again later when he was awake and we had a good talk. I found out that he and Chelsie broke up a few weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to profess my love again.

Anyway, we have been emailing each other back and forth this week, and it feels good to talk to him again. I feel like he's finally back in my life and I'm a thousand miles away. It's amazing that miles keep coming between us, but it makes it a little easier when I look out my room at the beach and ocean. At least I'm not the one stuck at home this time. It's definitely easier being the way who is away.

Well, JD convinced me to go with him to Florida to do the six week dance instructing at a resort. My mother pushed me as well. She is staying in Pennsylvania for a while so that she can help Aunt Lu so she is going to run the studio while I'm away. I think her plan is to get me away from Josh. Not that it matters, I haven't seen or spoken with him in weeks. I'm really just trying to forget about him so that I can move on with my life.

I think Florida will be a nice change of pace. This winter has been brutal and I'm ready for some fun in the sun. We'll be staying at a luxury resort and teaching dancing. What could be better than that?

I leave on Sunday. I think it will be good. An adventure. :)

I canceled all of tonight's classes. This weather is crazy! Looks like I'll be paying someone to plow the parking lot again tomorrow! Grrrr...

Lindsay and I headed over to Aunt Lu's the morning. We're going to stay with her through the snow. She's having a hard time getting around since her surgery. My mom is thinking of coming back up to stay with her for a few weeks until she feels stronger. I actually think it's a good idea. It would take a lot of pressure off. Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Linsday and I have been taking turns going over to help her out, but it would be such a relief to have someone here around the clock.

Lindsay and I are going up to New York this weekend to see Jennifer. I can't wait. It will be fun to go to the city. We're going to do some shopping, go out to dinner and see if we can get discounted Broadway tickets last minute! It should be a fun weekend!

In the past, the girls who usually hang around Josh have all seemed off to me. There was crazy Wendy who pushed me into a bees nest. There was Tanya who asked me for advice on how to win his heart. There was Amber - Lauren nicknamed her CTB (like "Cut Throat Bitch" on HOUSE). Then there was Kelly who tried to seduce him away from me while she was dating his best friend. And now there is Chelsie...who seems like a really nice girl.

I went to a small business owners meeting on Wednesday night. I thought it would be good to meet and network some of the other business owners in the area. I ran into Chelsie there. It turns out she and her mother own a hair salon in town and she was there for the same reason. We got to talking and she's smart and funny and really nice. She is someone I would want to be friends with if she wasn't dating Josh.

It breaks my heart because she could actually be a contender for Josh's heart. I can picture him with her. He could really be moving on and forgetting all about me. I liked it better when he dated jerks. :(

Aunt Lu's surgery went well. She's recovering nicely and the doctors say she should be able to go home by Wednesday. It's such a relief. I was a nervous wreck today. I did have a visitor come to keep me company in the waiting room...Josh. His mom told him about Aunt Lu's surgery and he had off today for MLK Day so he came to sit with me. He knew I'd be worried and he didn't want me to be alone.

He told me that it rattled him to see me at dinner the other night. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I think I like it. I like that he was rattled.

Aside from that, we talked about Aunt Lu. My mom is flying in tomorrow - weather permitting - and she's going to stay to take care of Aunt Lu until she's back on her feet. Things with my mom have been weird so I was telling Josh that I'm a little nervous about her arrival. I just don't know where she's coming from anymore. I feel like I have this big disconnect with her since my dad got sick.

As I was telling Josh all of this, I had a realization. It's like there's a big disconnect in my life since my dad got sick. It's like there's the old Nicole and now there's a new Nicole and I don't know how to connect the two. It's like my dad's illness and death changed me and I can't figure out how to merge the old me and the new me that's lost a parent. I told him that this is the Year of Nicole - the year that I enjoy myself and find balance in my life again. He seemed happy for me.

I pretty much blabbed on and on the whole time. I had to keep talking about myself because I was afraid that if we talked about him, it would hurt. I know it sounds selfish, but I don't want to know about his life without me. I guess I'm afraid I'll find out he's happy without me. I want him to be happy - I really do - but I want a little piece of his heart to miss me.

Wow, I sound really self-absorbed and selfish...I think it's time to sign off and focus on something else!

I'm heading out to dinner with Aunt Lu in a little bit...Vietnamese Food tonight. I'm excited. I've never had it before so it will be an adventure.

I had dinner last night with Eric. We went to a small restaurant outside of town, and we ran into Josh and Chelsie. I swear, it's uncanny how Josh and I run into each other constantly. I mean, it's really, really weird. It was one thing when we lived in the same town, but he lives a few towns over now. We even ran into each other in Florida once. It's just odd.

But anyway...I didn't see him at first. Eric saw them walk in and when I turned to look, Josh was looking at me uncomfortably. He stopped over to say hello. They were there to celebrate Chelsie's birthday. Apparently, it was her favorite restaurant. Of course Eric and I would choose to go there too. Luckily, I was facing away from where they were sitting so I didn't have to watch them celebrate together.

I'm hoping tonight will be better. The Vietnamese restaurant is way outside of town and in the opposite direction of Josh's house so I'm hoping we'll be safe. I am working on me this year, but it doesn't mean that I want to see him with another girl.

The snow is coming. I'm looking forward to it. I have been working round the clock and this will give me an excuse to rest - even though I hate having to pay someone to plow out the dance studio! That part sucks, but like I said - I need rest!

It seems that everyone went to my Amazon wish list this year and bought me books for Christmas. I have a stack of them and I would love a day to curl up and get started on them. I'm going to start with a romance book. I figure if I'm not going to have any romance, I might as well read about someone else's love life!

Eric invited me to go out to dinner with him on Friday night. I had asked him to teach me a few new gymnastic tricks that I can use in my choreography. He agreed but only if I'd have dinner with him. I kind of feel like I'm making out really well on this deal, but if that's what he wants...

JD got a six week gig teaching dance at a resort in southern Florida (close to Miami). He has it in his head that I'm going with him! I've told him that I can't. I have a business to run, but he persists. I would love to have six weeks down south right about now, but I can't pick up and go. Still, the idea of some warmth, some sun and a beach sounds really good right about now.

Lindsay and I rented "Eat Pray Love" on Friday night. I had heard it wasn't that great but I enjoyed it. Maybe it's because I'm on my own mission to find balance in my life. It resonated with me. This is the Year of Nicole and I am going to eat good food, try new things, spend time with the people I love, and pray that I find the balance that I need. I want to be excited about life again, and I don't want Josh to be the reason I feel that way.

Last night I went over to Aunt Lu's for dinner and told her about my goals for the year. She asked me to include going to church with her every Sunday. I was a little reluctant at first. Sunday morning is my sleep in morning and I didn't want to give it up. But I agreed to do it. I'm doing it because I know it will make her happy, but maybe I will find that I get something out of it too.

We also decided to go out for Vietnamese food next. I told her about the movie and it inspired us to try something new. I've never had it before and I've wanted to try it. So it's part of my eat good food and try new things. I'm getting very excited about the adventures ahead this year.

I have decided that 2011 is the Year of Nicole. I am going to enjoy myself and take care of myself, and just focus on myself for awhile instead of focusing on me and Josh.

When we talked/argued last week and he told me he couldn't get on board, he also said to me, "God help me, I'll always love you, Nicole." I responded with "God help us both." I know now that I'm always going to love him, but we're not going to be together - at least not now.

Lauren stopped by to see me last night. She wants me to talk to him again, to try to get him to reconsider "getting on board." She thinks that where there is love there is hope. She thinks he's just bitter about how things went down last summer and that I can persuade him to get over it. But the thing is, I don't want to persuade him. I don't want to chase him. There's a reason that I wanted to spend time with him instead of just getting back together with him. It's because I'm terrified of what it will do to me if he leaves again. I need to be sure that he's in 100%, and how am I going to be sure of that if I have to chase him and persuade him to give me a chance? It just doesn't make sense.

Now it's time for me to focus on myself. I need to have fun and take care of myself for a while. Perhaps it sounds self-centered to declare this the Year of Nicole, but I think a focus on me instead of on Josh is just what I need.

Happy New Year! I'm back and hoping that 2011 starts off better than 2010 ended. I really messed up. I should have stayed the course with getting over Josh. I was doing well. I really liked Jack and I was moving on. Then I got those stupid letters and it set me back.

Josh and I had a conversation last week and I told him that I wanted to spend time with him again. Somehow it ended in an argument. He said I can't keep changing my mind and then expecting him to get on board the minute I decide I want him back. That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I never even got to tell him about the letters. He doesn't know I have them. He doesn't know Molly kept them from me.

Then, of course, there is Molly. I am so mad at her. I let her have it. If she had just given me the letters, I wouldn't be in this situation right now! It's just so maddening that she did that. She said she was doing it for my own good and that she wanted me to get over him and move on - but I didn't need to get over him because he still loved me! I have to stop writing about it, because the more I write, the angrier I get.

I saw Jack yesterday. He was actually willing to give me another chance but I don't feel right about it. The fact is, I still love Josh. I understand that he's not interested in getting back together, but that doesn't mean I should be with someone else. Besides, Josh is present in every relationship I'm in. It wouldn't be fair to Jack. Three is a crowd after all.

I found out this morning that Aunt Lu has to have surgery in two weeks. It's not major or anything, but I still worry about her. My mom is flying up to stay with her for a week or so afterward. I hope it all goes well.

Well, time for me to get back to work. The holidays are over and our classes are back in full swing so it's busy around here!