Aunt Lu's surgery went well. She's recovering nicely and the doctors say she should be able to go home by Wednesday. It's such a relief. I was a nervous wreck today. I did have a visitor come to keep me company in the waiting room...Josh. His mom told him about Aunt Lu's surgery and he had off today for MLK Day so he came to sit with me. He knew I'd be worried and he didn't want me to be alone.

He told me that it rattled him to see me at dinner the other night. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I think I like it. I like that he was rattled.

Aside from that, we talked about Aunt Lu. My mom is flying in tomorrow - weather permitting - and she's going to stay to take care of Aunt Lu until she's back on her feet. Things with my mom have been weird so I was telling Josh that I'm a little nervous about her arrival. I just don't know where she's coming from anymore. I feel like I have this big disconnect with her since my dad got sick.

As I was telling Josh all of this, I had a realization. It's like there's a big disconnect in my life since my dad got sick. It's like there's the old Nicole and now there's a new Nicole and I don't know how to connect the two. It's like my dad's illness and death changed me and I can't figure out how to merge the old me and the new me that's lost a parent. I told him that this is the Year of Nicole - the year that I enjoy myself and find balance in my life again. He seemed happy for me.

I pretty much blabbed on and on the whole time. I had to keep talking about myself because I was afraid that if we talked about him, it would hurt. I know it sounds selfish, but I don't want to know about his life without me. I guess I'm afraid I'll find out he's happy without me. I want him to be happy - I really do - but I want a little piece of his heart to miss me.

Wow, I sound really self-absorbed and selfish...I think it's time to sign off and focus on something else!