I have decided that 2011 is the Year of Nicole. I am going to enjoy myself and take care of myself, and just focus on myself for awhile instead of focusing on me and Josh.

When we talked/argued last week and he told me he couldn't get on board, he also said to me, "God help me, I'll always love you, Nicole." I responded with "God help us both." I know now that I'm always going to love him, but we're not going to be together - at least not now.

Lauren stopped by to see me last night. She wants me to talk to him again, to try to get him to reconsider "getting on board." She thinks that where there is love there is hope. She thinks he's just bitter about how things went down last summer and that I can persuade him to get over it. But the thing is, I don't want to persuade him. I don't want to chase him. There's a reason that I wanted to spend time with him instead of just getting back together with him. It's because I'm terrified of what it will do to me if he leaves again. I need to be sure that he's in 100%, and how am I going to be sure of that if I have to chase him and persuade him to give me a chance? It just doesn't make sense.

Now it's time for me to focus on myself. I need to have fun and take care of myself for a while. Perhaps it sounds self-centered to declare this the Year of Nicole, but I think a focus on me instead of on Josh is just what I need.