Josh and I just wrapped up our morning rehearsal. His parents are having a Halloween Bonfire tonight for our church so he had to go run some errands for them. I can't say I'm thrilled about missing rehearsal time but he is learning the dance pretty easily so I'll cut him some slack.

I've been re-watching Grey's Anatomy, and I just watched the episode where Meredith has her hand on a bomb inside of a patient and all she can think about is how she doesn't remember the last time she and Derek kissed. Now I am sitting here trying to remember the last time that Josh kissed me.

I can't remember it. It was so long ago, but I wish I could remember it. I wish I could remember what it felt like to just be normal, and comfortable and happy with him. I remember so much drama, but I know there were times when we were just a normal, happy couple. I wish I could remember them. I wish I could remember our last kiss.

Our Rhumba went really well. I think it was the best connection that Josh and I have had so far. It was weird. I felt like I just got lost in the dance and in being with him. It's like I forgot that we were performing. And the way he was looking at me...We were dancing to "The Look of Love" so I'm sure he was just acting, but it still made my heart do flip flops.

One of the judges gave me a hard time about the slow dancing at the beginning and the end. I stand by my choice though. I don't see how it's any different than doing some freestyle and I think it helped our connection.

I explained that I was inspired by memories of having this enormous crush on Josh and how when I would dance with him, I would just try to soak in every feeling and experience - the warmth of his body, the way he smelled, even his breath on my skin. I wanted to bring that feeling to our Rhumba because the song is romantic and the dance is romantic and I knew it would bring a more intimate feeling to the dance.

When we got backstage, Josh pulled me aside and said that he wished he had known all of that back in the day. He confessed that he used to smell my hair when we'd dance. We stood there smiling at each other and then he looked real serious and started to say something like, "I really wish..." but we got interrupted and I didn't get to find out what he was going to say. I hoped that he would bring it up again later in the night but he didn't, and he didn't say anything last night either.

This week we are dancing the Quickstep. We're dancing to a song from the 90's that I wasn't that familiar with but it seems like a cute song. It's called "Take Time." The singer sings, "there's no need to play along like we don't know what's going on." I had to laugh a little when I heard that. It probably would have been the perfect song for Josh and I to dance to back in 2007, but this time I really have no idea if we're playing along or if there is nothing there. I am so confused right now.

I feel like I need to figure this thing out once and for all because as I look back on the past five years, I realize that I've held on to him even though we haven't been together. I've tried dating other guys but I never really let myself get invested because Josh is always in the back of my mind. I just feel like I either need to really go for it with him, or I need to really, truly give him up, and I don't know which is right for me. We still have a long way to go in this competition so at least there is an opportunity to figure it out.

I only have a few minutes to write. I've been a bum all day. I've pretty much blown off work to loaf around the house. I'm fighting a cold so I have a bit of an excuse, but I always feel guilty since it is my business and I should be working. Josh will be here soon and we'll be putting the finishing touches on our dance, so at least I'll be somewhat productive today.

I am still thinking about my post from the other night. I am so torn up inside. I do love Josh. I will admit that. I've always loved him. I probably always will, but I've gotten pretty good over the past five years at pushing those feelings aside. I've done it because I can't deal with how much it hurts when I lose him.

I don't know. I'm just not sure I can go down that road again. Ugh, as I write that, a part of me says, "can you go down a road without him?" I just don't know what to do. I still see him with me when I imagine my life. I see him in wedding pictures, family pictures, new home pictures, vacation pictures...I see him there with me. What will happen if I let fear hold me back? Will I be alone looking at pictures of him with another woman? How long can a smart, funny, handsome and insanely talented guy remain single?

I keep thinking about the fact that Lindsay is married...married! It reminds me that we're at the age where people get married. Josh is 29, he's not going to be a bachelor forever. Will I spend the rest of my life regretting it if I don't go for it?

The past few weeks have gotten away from me. It's been super busy. The dance competition, of course, is taking a ton of time. We're still going strong though! Our first week was a little shaky, but the Waltz went much better. We were really able to connect and one of the judges was even a little teary eyed!

Our third week was the Cha Cha and then last week we danced the Fox Trot. This week we are dancing the Rhumba. We are dancing to "The Look of Love" by Gladys Knight. It's been kind of a weird week. So far Josh and I have been pretty good about keeping our partnership professional, but the Rhumba has been a challenge. It's hard to be so close to each other and dance such a romantic dance.

The other thing keeping me busy has been Lindsay's wedding. She and Henry are officially husband and wife as of yesterday. It was a gorgeous wedding and the weather was so perfect. She made a beautiful bride. I am so happy for her.

It was a big investment of time for me. When I wasn't rehearsing, I was helping her plan and get things ready. I had no idea how much work goes in to a wedding!

I never did get Josh to sing his song. The other guys did it without him, which was kind of a disappointment. Josh sings it so beautifully. Lindsay seemed okay with the other guys singing, but I was sad. I used to sneak into the back of Angelo's to listen to Josh close out their set with that song. He'd start singing and my heart would do flip-flops in my chest. Last night when the song began, I was standing with him. I said to him, "You should be singing. This is your song." He shook his head and said, "No, this is your song." (I'll come back to this.)

Josh and I spent most of the wedding together. He didn't go as my date, but he pretty much was. With the exception of one dance that I had with Henry, I spent the entire night on the dance floor with Josh. When we slow danced, it felt so nice to be in his arms and all of these memories of slow dances from the past came flooding back. I kept remembering moments when a slow dance with him was all I knew of romance, and how just four minutes in his arms was such a gift. It actually inspired me to change up the choreography for our Rhumba. We're starting the song with a slow dance, moving in to the Rhumba for most of the song, and then ending it with another slow dance. I want to show that just swaying to the music can be super romantic on it's own.

So back to the song...We had a post-wedding brunch this morning before Lindsay and Henry headed off to the honeymoon. I ran into Mona and Angelo and I was chatting with them, the wedding came up and I mentioned that Josh wouldn't sing the song. Angelo said, "yeah, he stopped singing that when you two broke up." I asked him if he knew why and he said that one of the guys told him that Josh sang that song for me.

I went back to our table and googled the lyrics. The song really is a promise to love one person forever. I guess I could see why Josh would stop singing it if he considered it my song, but I still find it hard to believe that he thought of it as my song.

After brunch I rehearsed the Rhumba with Josh. He liked my slow dance idea. I asked him about "This I Swear" and he admitted that he always thought of it as my song and that on the set list the guys would write "Nicole's Song" and they all knew which song it was. I had always secretly hoped he sang it for me. I didn't realize that he really did.

I feel like my head is spinning. I've tried to put aside any thoughts about me and Josh being together, and frankly, the idea of getting hurt again scared the you-know-what out of me. Still, I can't help thinking about it. The past few weeks of dancing together have been awesome, all of the texting last summer, and then the dancing last night and the intel on the song are making me think about him that way again. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for pain. Losing him was so painful. I loved him so much. I just don't know if I can put myself through that again.

But it's Josh...the biggest love of my life...how do I not grab a hold of even the tiniest chance at being with him?

Woo hoo! I got my first choice Cha Cha song! Josh and I brushed up on the Cha Cha last night and I'm working on the choreography today.

I had a really weird conversation with him last night. Lindsay had called me earlier in the day and asked me to help her. She wants Josh and the guys to sing "This I Swear" at her wedding. It's a song that they used to do when they performed regularly and then it seemed to drop off their set list. When she asked Alex about it, he told her that she'd have to ask Josh. So she asked Josh and he got weird and told her they can't do that song. Well, that's the song she wants and she's the bride so she's annoyed and asked me to talk to him.

I asked him to do it and he refused. He actually started to get mad at me. I don't understand it. What is it with this song? Why is it a problem for him to sing it? It was one of their most requested songs. I used to sneak into the back of Angelo's to hear it. Josh sings it to perfection - I mean, seriously perfect and romantic - the ideal wedding kind of song. I don't know why he's being so stubborn about this.

It was kind of a slow weekend. We know our Waltz so there wasn't much need to kill ourselves rehearsing. I heard that we're going to get our dance and song assignments for next week some time today so I'm hoping that we can begin work on that a little early. It would really help me to have the song so that I can prepare. Before the competition, Josh and I submitted our song requests for each dance. So far we got one out of two. I chose "Run The Show" but I didn't choose "Softly As I Leave You." Fingers crossed that I get the rest of my songs!

It was actually nice to not be dancing the entire weekend. We took Friday night off completely because it was Lindsay's bachelorette party. I went down to Philadelphia with her and her friends to celebrate.

On Saturday it was back to rehearsals. It was pretty gloomy out so it wasn't too tough being stuck in the dance studio. We reviewed the dance and then I gave Josh a brush up on the other rhythms so that we'd be ready to go once we are set to rehearse those dances.

Yesterday we danced in the morning and then I went over to Aunt Lu's for the afternoon. We were helping Lindsay put together the wedding favors. It was nice to have some girl time. Last night Josh and I met up again for more rehearsal.

Today has been busy at the dance studio plus I had a conference call with John from my dad's company. It's weird, but I really like working with him. I think if the company was in Pennsylvania, instead of Florida, I'd maybe consider selling the dance studio and going to work there. I know, it sounds crazy. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd want to be anything like my dad, and here I am wishing that I had his professional life. Boy does life surprise me some days!

So Josh and I had a talk yesterday and about our need to connect so that we can do a better job in this competition. We know our Waltz for next week pretty well so when Natalie and Jason invited us along for dessert at the Melting Pot, we thought it would be a fun way to take a break from rehearsals and spend some time together.

We were sitting there eating and talking and somehow the topic of one night stands came up. I made a comment that I'm not a one night stand kind of girl. Then Natalie focused in on me and said, "Yes you are!" I was trying to figure out what she was talking about and then she pointed at me and Josh and said, "Remember that afternoon the two of you had in Vegas?" She was referring to my 21st birthday weekend in Las Vegas several years ago.

I was about to answer when Josh spoke up. He said, "I guess it depends on your definition of a one night stand. My definition is a night based on lust, where there are no expectations for anything more than that one night. Based on that, what we had wasn't a one night stand. We were in love, and while we were resigned to the fact that it couldn't be a relationship at that time, we both had hope for more. There's always been hope."

My heart did it's soaring and we locked eyes and just looked at each other. Natalie broke the silence with "I see you're having success on that connection thing you were working on."

When he dropped me off at home later that night I thanked him for defending us. He said, "I wasn't defending, I was setting the record straight. Anyway, if we did have a one night stand, it wouldn't be any of Natalie's damn business." I agreed and said good night.

Then I spent an hour lying awake, trying to figure out what he meant when he said, "there's always been hope." What did he mean? Is he still hoping...?

We pulled off our Samba for the first week of competition. The judges did tell us that we need to work on our connection...guess Josh was right. One of them said something like "people came here to see the amazing chemistry that you two have and we didn't get that tonight." So I guess we'll have to figure that one out. I was expecting Josh to do the "see? I was right" thing, but he didn't say a word about it.

A girl that Josh used to date showed up last night. Her name is Chelsie and as much as I hated to admit it, I actually liked her and thought she could be an actual match for him. That doesn't mean that I was happy to see her though. I gave him the "what's she doing here?" talk when I saw her and he looked genuinely clueless.

After the show, she approached me and I asked her if she had come to see Josh and she said, "no, actually I came to see you." She owns a salon in town and wanted to see if we could pair up to help each other out. We met this morning for coffee to talk and she told me that she wanted to do hair and makeup for our contestants for free - we would just have to advertise her salon! Of course I said YES! And it turns out that she's engaged and not at all interested in Josh, and she's actually as nice as I remember.

I told her that I had thought she was there for Josh and she said, "I always had the feeling that he was just passing time until he got back together with you." Interesting. It's been several years since they dated and he and I have not gotten back together.

I guess if I'm honest, I'd have to admit that most of the guys I have dated since Josh have felt like passing time. I start out liking them and then it just fizzles out. I haven't had anyone in my life that I get real excited about, and no one that ever really made me feel the way that he did.

All right, enough about that...some of our past contestants are coming back to dance even though they are not competing in the All Star competition. I'm excited because I'm going to do a number with Raj and maybe Mark. It will be fun to dance with them again.