Christmas is almost here and it's been a busy December. I love this time of year. It's so magical and has been special for Josh and me. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 10th...the best day of my life.

Weddings are a big deal and they take up all of your time and they are exhausting so I never took the time to write about it. It seems kind of funny when you consider that I've documented so much of our relationship. It was a great day, but it was also like walking through a dream. I always wanted to become Mrs. Joshua Anderson, but I don't think I actually believed it would happen. When I got to the aisle and I saw him standing at the other end, it was like this crazy moment where your dream world collides with reality. It was a weird moment where I could sense all of my wishes merging with what really was.

My mom and Aunt Lu walked me down the aisle. I had a sad moment thinking about my dad. I think he would have been happy that Josh was my groom. I think my dad really had a lot of respect for Josh. My mom wanted to walk me down the aisle, but I felt like Aunt Lu should be there too. She did so much for me, and gave me a safe place to just be when it felt like there weren't many safe places. It was good to have them both with me.

Our ceremony was short and sweet, which was good because I was emotional and I don't think I could have handled it had it gone on for too long. I cried all through my vows (happy tears! happy!).

Our reception was so much fun. I don't think anyone would be surprised to hear that there was lots of dancing and singing. The Doo-Wop crew sang a few songs. Alex sang "To The Aisle" and Josh sang "This I Swear" and of course I cried again during that one!

Natalie was my matron of honor and Lindsay and Lauren were the bridesmaids. All three of them gave a speech together along with Jason and Alex. They shared "the moments they realized Josh and Nicole were in love." A few other guests also jumped in and shared some things. It was really sweet. Mrs. Anderson said that she saw Josh and I sitting together in her living room one night and we were laughing hysterically and that was the moment she knew. The stories were really touching.

It was a great, and it's been an amazing first year of marriage. I love him more with every day that passes. When we were kids, we had mad infatuation, crazy hormones, intoxicating high moments, and excruciatingly painful low moments. I'm glad I got to have that young love experience with a great guy, but I am even more thankful that we've grown up and have a really solid, low drama marriage. Sorry if that makes for a boring blog...

I have been trying to figure out a surprise for Josh for our anniversary. I knew I wanted to go somewhere so I was trying to figure out where, and as I was thinking about it, I finally remembered the last kiss!

If you've read this blog, you may recall that when Josh and I finally started to get back together, I was obsessing a little bit over our last kiss. I couldn't remember it. I didn't know when it was but the other day as I was brainstorming places that would be significant to him, it came to me!

It was Thanksgiving weekend 2013 - yep, during our break up, which could have been why it wasn't coming to me when I kept thinking back on 2010. And I didn't really consider it a real kiss because we were kind of forced to kiss.

We were at Nat and Jason's house the night after Thanksgiving. Natalie had made her own version of "truth or dare" Jenga. She wrote all sorts of things on the blocks and as you pulled them out, you either had to do something stupid or answer the question. I typically hate these games but my friends all seem to love them so of course we played.

Josh went first and the block he pulled asked him, "what is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?" He glanced at me and said, "One time a great girl I know bought a date with me in a bachelor auction." Immediately my interest in this game went up.

Most of the blocks we pulled were pretty innocent and kind of dumb, but I pulled one that said, "Where is the most interesting place you've had sex?" I told them it was camping and everyone gave me a hard time and said that wasn't interesting. Natalie looked at Josh and said, "Where is the most interesting place?" He looked surprised and it had been three years at that point since we'd been together. He told her he didn't know and Natalie was like, "you probably know." I was embarrassed and blurted out, "the swim club!"

Henry's face was priceless and he said something like, "Please tell me it wasn't while you were working for me." Of course it was and he knew it. Josh jumped in and tried to defend us a little by explaining it was after the club closed and no one was around but Henry was still mortified and everyone was hysterical laughing at his response. I'm kind of laughing to myself as I sit here remembering it.

The next block Josh pulled was a dare. "Kiss someone in the room." I remember him not looking too happy with that block and I remember not being real happy. Both of us hate kissing games because it's not fun being forced to kiss someone you don't want to kiss. It's also not fun watching someone you are into kiss someone else. I was surprised at how much I didn't want to watch him kiss someone else, and I wondered if it would be obvious for me to look away. I really didn't realize until that moment how much it would hurt to see him kiss someone. I remember him looking at me and saying, "You are the only person in this room that I've ever kissed and I'd kind of like to keep it that way. Do you mind?" I must have responded affirmatively because he walked over to me and I stood up to kiss him. I was relieved that he wasn't going to kiss someone else and terrified of what I'd feel when he kissed me. It was wonderful though and I knew that it was lasting longer than it should have, but it felt so good to be kissing him again and toward the end he changed the angle of the kiss and my heart went wild. How did I forget about this?

He thanked me and then sat down. The game continued but my head was still in the kiss. I was both intoxicated by it and mad at myself for letting him rock my world so easily. More blocks were pulled...can't remember any of them now. I was just going through the motions trying to figure out what had happened...a kiss after all of those years...

He pulled another block. Again he looked annoyed as he read it, "What was your most memorable sexual experience?" At this point he started arguing with Natalie about how dumb and inappropriate this game was. "That experience was between me and the person I had it with and I don't care to share it with all of you." All I could think was that he wasn't talking about me. If it had been with me, he would have shared it, but it wasn't about me. It was about someone else. I couldn't take it anymore. First a kiss that woke up my heart and then a huge blow to it.

I told them I was leaving. I got up, grabbed my jacket and was out the door. Natalie followed me out and tried to convince me to stay but I was done. I told her to go inside. I was walking toward my car when I heard his voice behind me, "You. Me. Your 21st birthday celebration in Las Vegas. And it's still none of their damn business."

I turned around and looked at him and told him I thought he was trying to protect my feelings. He told me he wasn't - that he just didn't want to share that moment with them. We talked for a little while about Las Vegas and I'm not going to share those details either, because I agree with him that some things are better kept between the two of us. It reminded me how special that trip was.

So it was that moment with the discussion of Las Vegas that got me thinking that maybe he and I should go back there for our anniversary. And it was that conversation that reminded me about the kiss we had that night. A kiss that may or may not have been real. But it was "the last kiss," the one that I couldn't remember until now.

I've had an interesting few days. Friday night Josh was down in Atlantic City so I went to his aunt's house for a Fall Equinox Celebration. His aunt is a psychic and I must say this party was different from any other party I've experienced from the Anderson family. Lauren, Lindsay and I went together and it was mostly women there. His aunt had a gigantic bonfire going and tons of fall foods - apples, pumpkin soup, pumpkin bread, squash, cider, etc. We did a gratitude and balancing ritual. It was pretty fun, but again, I must say it wasn't anything I've ever experienced before. Lauren said her aunt does these parties every equinox and solstice.

By the time Josh got home Saturday, I was missing him pretty badly. He always invites me to go along on his gigs, but I don't really care that much for Atlantic City so even though I missed him, I was happy to stay behind. It gave me a chance to hang out with Lauren Friday night and I ended up sleeping at her place after the party and then doing some work at the dance studio Saturday morning.

Josh took me out to dinner Saturday night and I asked him if he'd gone to his aunt's parties. He laughed and told me that his father used to take him, but his mom didn't really like it. He said his mom politely tolerates all of the new age stuff his aunt talks about, but she prefers the Church over bonfires and dancing under the moon.

Interesting...I've spent my whole life going to church, and while I like the community and the rituals, I have to say that dancing around the bonfire with a bunch of cool women was way more fun.

On Sunday we went to dinner at Josh's parent's house. They've asked me to call them by their first names now that I'm an Anderson too, but it feels so weird. They have been Mr. and Mrs. Anderson to me since 2004 and now I'm supposed to call them Mike and Skyler? I'm trying to get used to it.

The weather has been so nice that Josh and I went over there early and took advantage of the pool. I was really glad that Mr. Anderson, er...Mike, decided not to close it at Labor Day like most people around here do. They got a whole extra month out of it.

We were there to see his parents but also to meet Lauren's new man. She's been dating him for a couple of months now, and we figured he must be special when she announced that she wanted to bring him to her parents' house for dinner. His name is Chad and he seems really nice, but not what I was expecting. I always picture her with Alex and he's nothing like Alex. Alex is very much the artist musician and Chad is very much a Wall Street kind of guy. He was wearing a polo shirt and blazer and looked very Connecticut. I don't know how else to describe it except that I could see him fitting in very well with Mrs, I mean Skyler's side of the family...maybe not so much with the psychic aunt on the Anderson side though.

As we were leaving Josh told Chad that he'd like to get to know him better and that we should all go out for dinner some night. I said, "how about this coming weekend?" Josh said, "No, you and I are going away for a romantic weekend."

So here it is Thursday and he's keeping the location of our romantic weekend a surprise so I have no idea where we're going. I don't really care. I love that I married a man that plans surprise romantic weekends.

A couple weeks after my last post, Josh's agent called and offered him a job in California for the summer. I had freaked out previously about him going out there so he wasn't even going to mention it to me, but somehow it came up in conversation and after talking about it, we decided to spend the summer in California. It ended up being really great.

We hit the road as soon as his school year ended and took a leisurely approach to getting there. We went down to my grandparents' house in Tennessee and then drove across route 40. It was a really great trip.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed spending the summer in California. We rented a small condo in Santa Monica so I was able to spend time at the beach during the day when Josh was at work. I was also able to hang out with Molly, which ended up being really good for getting our friendship back on track. Mostly though, it was just good to relax and not be so worried about the two businesses.

Josh and I talked a lot about it and we agreed that I should let John run my dad's company until he retires and then I'll hire someone new. I'm just not interested in being the president of the company. That world would not suite me and I'd have a hard time balancing that job with a family, which is something we hope to have in a few years. I have a lot of help and flexibility with the dance studio so I'm going to refocus my efforts there.

I was worried about going to California and being by myself a lot because Josh's schedule can be crazy when he's working on a project, but it wasn't too bad. I took some dance classes while we were there and I found all of the farmer's markets. I did a ton of cooking and I spent as much time as possible sitting on the beach.

One night we were both sitting on the beach, just relaxing and talking and I mentioned that I should have moved out there to be with him many years ago when I had the chance. Somehow we ended up talking about what it would have been like if we had tried the long distance relationship thing and I mentioned that I had always fantasized that we'd meet halfway in Chicago for romantic weekends.

A couple days before we were to start our drive back to Pennsylvania, John called and said he thought I should fly back to New Jersey for a company meeting. I had told him that I didn't want to be president/CEO and we decided that it would be a good idea to create a board of directors that I would be the chair of. That way I'd have oversight without being involved in the day-to-day. He felt it was important for me to be at the meeting, and I agreed with him. I was feeling pretty bad about leaving Josh to drive across country by himself, so I drove with him to Denver and then hopped a flight to Newark.

The meeting went well and it was good that I was there, but I felt bad about Josh driving home by himself. I got home that night after the meeting and found an envelop at the front door. I opened it and found a ticket to Chicago inside. With it was a note that said, "Let's have our romantic weekend in Chicago."

Two days later I was on my way to Chicago. We had an amazing time. I don't know how he did it, but Josh planned it as if we were meeting halfway for a romantic weekend. It really felt like I had imagined it would be, except that it was a million times better because when the weekend ended, we both got in the car together and drove home. No going separate ways.

Busy day - I'm working both jobs. Telecommuting from the dance studio. Hectic. I need to figure out where I'm going to focus my energies. Josh and I went out for brunch yesterday and had a long conversation about this. He thinks I'm burning my candle from both ends. Of course I think he is too - he's got this Friday night gig in Atlantic City every week for the next three weeks and he's going to start recording the spa album at night down in Philly. Between my two jobs and his three jobs, we're not going to see much of each other until May.

This past Friday was the just the beginning of it and it was really hard. I had a girl's night at my house to keep me occupied, but after everyone left I found myself missing him like crazy. Ugh...I never thought that we'd be married and still missing each other.

But back to my two jobs...I'm just not feeling passionate about either one. I'm grateful for my dad's company - it makes a lot of money, but it's not work that I live to do. The dance studio does okay. It's not as lucrative as my dad's business, but I was doing pretty well there. Of course, I lived in the upstairs apartment so I had no rent for years and that helped. It has been a good business, but I'm tired. I've lost my excitement for it.

I'm at a point where I feel like I need to make some decisions. Not right now, but in the future, I'd like to bring children into the equation and that doesn't seem like a possibility right now with all of the running around we're doing.

I've been thinking a lot about the fight that Josh and I had last week. For a long time I always felt like I'd get my footing and then the rug would be pulled out from under me. I know that's why I got scared about him going to California, but I am trying to remind myself that we're not in that space anymore. We made a promise to each other that we'd be in this as adults. I broke that promise big time last week. I reverted back to my crazy, teenage self and that wasn't fair. I don't want him to feel like he's married to a teenager. It's time to put on my big girl pants and start acting like a grown up!

Speaking of being a grown up...running two businesses is becoming overwhelming. My mom is managing the dance studio but it's still my business and I need to be involved. Actually, I'm finding myself missing it. I was becoming bored with it, but now that I'm no longer there on a regular basis, I really miss it.

The corporate world seemed so fascinating when I was working in Florida and just shadowing John, but now that I'm part of it on a daily basis, I'm just not loving it. I'm so torn about what to do. I could leave it for John to run without me, but I know he wants to mentor me so that it can be my business.

Josh is a teacher, so he wants me to be free to travel during the summer. His parents bought a house down in Bethany a few years ago and I know he'd like us to spend time down there during the summer. That is hard to do when you are running two businesses. And neither of those businesses feel like the right fit for me.

Josh has a gig tonight down in Atlantic City so I am having a girl's night at the house. It's a family girl's night - my mom, his mom, his aunt, Lauren, Aunt Lu, Lindsay and Aunt Linda. It should be a fun night!

Josh and I had our first big fight of our marriage. His agent called last night. He was upstairs and I saw his cellphone ringing and saw who it was and I picked up. I told his agent not to call and that Josh was not going to California this summer so he should just stop calling. Then I hung up, turned around and saw Josh standing in the doorway with a horrified look on his face.

We got into a big argument because I assumed he was making plans behind my back, and he was made at me for jumping to conclusions and for being rude on the phone. It turns out that his agent is trying to get him a deal to record one of those spa cd's with piano music and it can be done from a studio in New York or Philadelphia.

I guess I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I was so emotional about it last night. We're married now and I know our relationship is solid, but the thought of him going away for a few months, or even dragging me along for a few months made me so upset. I really didn't like being in California when I've gone out there in the past.

This morning before work, he apologized and said that he understands why I'd be upset - he's got a track record of moving away and he feels responsible for me being scared about it. He also reminded me of a few conversations we've had. He promised me last year that I would have a say from now on and that he wouldn't go anywhere without me. He also reminded me of a conversation we had when he visited me in Florida a year and a half ago. I was living there for about nine months to run my dad's business.

It was right before I moved back to Pennsylvania. Josh, Natalie and Jason were visiting and Josh and I were sitting out by the pool late into the night talking. Somehow we got on the conversation of the worst days of our lives. His worst day was the first time we broke up. My worst day was when I told him I wasn't moving to Tennessee with him and I broke up with him. It was when my dad was sick and it was a truly agonizing experience on all levels. I started to cry as I remembered it and he was hugging me.

After a few minutes I wanted to snap out of it. I said something like, "Why are we discussing our worst days? Let's focus on our best days. You go first." He shook his head and said that he shared his worst day first and that I would have to go first this time. I didn't want to. I didn't want to share with him that my best days all involved him - I mean, what if his best days didn't involve me? We went back and forth for a few minutes and then he called me out. He knew exactly why I didn't want to go first. I remember it so clearly...he said, "Two things: First, if your best day didn't involve me, you would just tell me what it is. Second, my best day does involve you - in fact all of my best days involve you - so you can stop worrying."

I remember feeling so torn apart in that moment. If our worst days were about being apart, and our best days were about being together, should I say something? My defenses were down so I said it, "If our best days are about us being together, why aren't we together?" He looked me in the eyes and said, "Because I'm the idiot that keeps moving away, or screwing things up. I never should have gone to Tennessee. I never should have gone to California. I should have stayed in your world, and I'm really sorry that I wasn't smart enough to realize that." It was that moment that I decided to return to Pennsylvania. And it was that moment that I knew he wasn't going anywhere.

I'm posting that here so that I remember.

Happy New Year! I am very excited about what this year will bring. I wasn't sure about a December wedding when Josh first started to push it, but I'm glad we started off the year as husband and wife. Wow...can you believe that my teenage fantasy has actually come true? It's pretty remarkable.

My mother and John have moved to Pennsylvania. My mom is going to run the dance studio (I will still own it). John and I are moving my dad's business up here. He has been trying to get me to work with him on the business for awhile now, but I didn't want to move back to Florida. We talked about doing it remotely but neither of us really felt like that would work. We are keeping a small office active in Sarasota because we didn't want to lay people off but we got a few people to move to Pennsylvania, and we are not going to hire anyone else in Florida.

It's exciting but scary. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have John to help. I want the flexibility to travel in the summer with my husband who is a teacher. I also want to have kids in a few years and I will need time for them. John keeps telling me that it's my company so I can do whatever I want, but I have an obligation to the clients and the employees to not screw things up. That is why I am keeping John in position has President and CEO. I think he wants to transition it to me at some point so he can retire, but that is still aways off.

Right now I'm just happy to have all of the blessings that I have. I think 2017 is going to be a great year!

Sincerely,
Nicole Anderson
(I love typing that!)