Josh and I had our first big fight of our marriage. His agent called last night. He was upstairs and I saw his cellphone ringing and saw who it was and I picked up. I told his agent not to call and that Josh was not going to California this summer so he should just stop calling. Then I hung up, turned around and saw Josh standing in the doorway with a horrified look on his face.

We got into a big argument because I assumed he was making plans behind my back, and he was made at me for jumping to conclusions and for being rude on the phone. It turns out that his agent is trying to get him a deal to record one of those spa cd's with piano music and it can be done from a studio in New York or Philadelphia.

I guess I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I was so emotional about it last night. We're married now and I know our relationship is solid, but the thought of him going away for a few months, or even dragging me along for a few months made me so upset. I really didn't like being in California when I've gone out there in the past.

This morning before work, he apologized and said that he understands why I'd be upset - he's got a track record of moving away and he feels responsible for me being scared about it. He also reminded me of a few conversations we've had. He promised me last year that I would have a say from now on and that he wouldn't go anywhere without me. He also reminded me of a conversation we had when he visited me in Florida a year and a half ago. I was living there for about nine months to run my dad's business.

It was right before I moved back to Pennsylvania. Josh, Natalie and Jason were visiting and Josh and I were sitting out by the pool late into the night talking. Somehow we got on the conversation of the worst days of our lives. His worst day was the first time we broke up. My worst day was when I told him I wasn't moving to Tennessee with him and I broke up with him. It was when my dad was sick and it was a truly agonizing experience on all levels. I started to cry as I remembered it and he was hugging me.

After a few minutes I wanted to snap out of it. I said something like, "Why are we discussing our worst days? Let's focus on our best days. You go first." He shook his head and said that he shared his worst day first and that I would have to go first this time. I didn't want to. I didn't want to share with him that my best days all involved him - I mean, what if his best days didn't involve me? We went back and forth for a few minutes and then he called me out. He knew exactly why I didn't want to go first. I remember it so clearly...he said, "Two things: First, if your best day didn't involve me, you would just tell me what it is. Second, my best day does involve you - in fact all of my best days involve you - so you can stop worrying."

I remember feeling so torn apart in that moment. If our worst days were about being apart, and our best days were about being together, should I say something? My defenses were down so I said it, "If our best days are about us being together, why aren't we together?" He looked me in the eyes and said, "Because I'm the idiot that keeps moving away, or screwing things up. I never should have gone to Tennessee. I never should have gone to California. I should have stayed in your world, and I'm really sorry that I wasn't smart enough to realize that." It was that moment that I decided to return to Pennsylvania. And it was that moment that I knew he wasn't going anywhere.

I'm posting that here so that I remember.