Busy day - I'm working both jobs. Telecommuting from the dance studio. Hectic. I need to figure out where I'm going to focus my energies. Josh and I went out for brunch yesterday and had a long conversation about this. He thinks I'm burning my candle from both ends. Of course I think he is too - he's got this Friday night gig in Atlantic City every week for the next three weeks and he's going to start recording the spa album at night down in Philly. Between my two jobs and his three jobs, we're not going to see much of each other until May.

This past Friday was the just the beginning of it and it was really hard. I had a girl's night at my house to keep me occupied, but after everyone left I found myself missing him like crazy. Ugh...I never thought that we'd be married and still missing each other.

But back to my two jobs...I'm just not feeling passionate about either one. I'm grateful for my dad's company - it makes a lot of money, but it's not work that I live to do. The dance studio does okay. It's not as lucrative as my dad's business, but I was doing pretty well there. Of course, I lived in the upstairs apartment so I had no rent for years and that helped. It has been a good business, but I'm tired. I've lost my excitement for it.

I'm at a point where I feel like I need to make some decisions. Not right now, but in the future, I'd like to bring children into the equation and that doesn't seem like a possibility right now with all of the running around we're doing.

I've been thinking a lot about the fight that Josh and I had last week. For a long time I always felt like I'd get my footing and then the rug would be pulled out from under me. I know that's why I got scared about him going to California, but I am trying to remind myself that we're not in that space anymore. We made a promise to each other that we'd be in this as adults. I broke that promise big time last week. I reverted back to my crazy, teenage self and that wasn't fair. I don't want him to feel like he's married to a teenager. It's time to put on my big girl pants and start acting like a grown up!

Speaking of being a grown up...running two businesses is becoming overwhelming. My mom is managing the dance studio but it's still my business and I need to be involved. Actually, I'm finding myself missing it. I was becoming bored with it, but now that I'm no longer there on a regular basis, I really miss it.

The corporate world seemed so fascinating when I was working in Florida and just shadowing John, but now that I'm part of it on a daily basis, I'm just not loving it. I'm so torn about what to do. I could leave it for John to run without me, but I know he wants to mentor me so that it can be my business.

Josh is a teacher, so he wants me to be free to travel during the summer. His parents bought a house down in Bethany a few years ago and I know he'd like us to spend time down there during the summer. That is hard to do when you are running two businesses. And neither of those businesses feel like the right fit for me.

Josh has a gig tonight down in Atlantic City so I am having a girl's night at the house. It's a family girl's night - my mom, his mom, his aunt, Lauren, Aunt Lu, Lindsay and Aunt Linda. It should be a fun night!

Josh and I had our first big fight of our marriage. His agent called last night. He was upstairs and I saw his cellphone ringing and saw who it was and I picked up. I told his agent not to call and that Josh was not going to California this summer so he should just stop calling. Then I hung up, turned around and saw Josh standing in the doorway with a horrified look on his face.

We got into a big argument because I assumed he was making plans behind my back, and he was made at me for jumping to conclusions and for being rude on the phone. It turns out that his agent is trying to get him a deal to record one of those spa cd's with piano music and it can be done from a studio in New York or Philadelphia.

I guess I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I was so emotional about it last night. We're married now and I know our relationship is solid, but the thought of him going away for a few months, or even dragging me along for a few months made me so upset. I really didn't like being in California when I've gone out there in the past.

This morning before work, he apologized and said that he understands why I'd be upset - he's got a track record of moving away and he feels responsible for me being scared about it. He also reminded me of a few conversations we've had. He promised me last year that I would have a say from now on and that he wouldn't go anywhere without me. He also reminded me of a conversation we had when he visited me in Florida a year and a half ago. I was living there for about nine months to run my dad's business.

It was right before I moved back to Pennsylvania. Josh, Natalie and Jason were visiting and Josh and I were sitting out by the pool late into the night talking. Somehow we got on the conversation of the worst days of our lives. His worst day was the first time we broke up. My worst day was when I told him I wasn't moving to Tennessee with him and I broke up with him. It was when my dad was sick and it was a truly agonizing experience on all levels. I started to cry as I remembered it and he was hugging me.

After a few minutes I wanted to snap out of it. I said something like, "Why are we discussing our worst days? Let's focus on our best days. You go first." He shook his head and said that he shared his worst day first and that I would have to go first this time. I didn't want to. I didn't want to share with him that my best days all involved him - I mean, what if his best days didn't involve me? We went back and forth for a few minutes and then he called me out. He knew exactly why I didn't want to go first. I remember it so clearly...he said, "Two things: First, if your best day didn't involve me, you would just tell me what it is. Second, my best day does involve you - in fact all of my best days involve you - so you can stop worrying."

I remember feeling so torn apart in that moment. If our worst days were about being apart, and our best days were about being together, should I say something? My defenses were down so I said it, "If our best days are about us being together, why aren't we together?" He looked me in the eyes and said, "Because I'm the idiot that keeps moving away, or screwing things up. I never should have gone to Tennessee. I never should have gone to California. I should have stayed in your world, and I'm really sorry that I wasn't smart enough to realize that." It was that moment that I decided to return to Pennsylvania. And it was that moment that I knew he wasn't going anywhere.

I'm posting that here so that I remember.