Did you ever have a problem, or feel a certain way, and you didn't want to admit it to yourself? That's what I'm dealing with right now. I feel like if I say it out loud, write it down or allow it to be more than a fleeting thought, then it will become more real. I'm just not ready yet for it to become more real, because then I'll have to deal with it.

Okay, so while I'm being all philosophical, how about this one...Did you ever wish you could go back in time and not experience something that was really great, because now you have to live without it, and you'd rather not know what it was like to have it? Does that make sense?

I guess I'm just feeling frustrated today. Last night I was feeling kind of sad so I went outside to look up at the stars. I used to go outside in Florida when my father was drunk or my parents were fighting and look up at the stars. It was my way of getting away from things.

So last night I was sitting out back looking up at the sky and Josh walked out his back door to take out the trash and I guess he saw me because he walked over. He asked me why I was sitting outside in the dark. He probably thinks I'm a weirdo, but I told him that I like to look at the stars. It helps me think and relax.

We talked for about a half hour. It was so nice, but then I realized that I'm supposed to be backing off from him, and sitting alone in the dark could definitely be misconstrued if Jennifer or Lindsay found out, so I told him I had to finish up some homework.

Why can't I find someone else in this freakin' town that I click with the way I do with Josh?

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