I'm gone from mad to completely heartbroken. I know I said I wasn't going to give him another thought but I can't help it. I have wanted him so much for so long. I just can't believe it's over before it ever really started.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I keep hanging around this guy? It's always the same thing. Each time I get my hopes up, it always ends up being a disappointment. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I have to get over him!!!!!!

Last night was Josh's b-day party. The evening was great until the end. There was a girl there that I didn't know. Well, I found out that Josh had been dating her during March...up until the weekend of Kelly's b-day. Keith set him up with her but Josh wasn't that in to her and broke up with her once he found out I wasn't dating Tom. I was so mad at him when I found out that we ended up having a big fight. His position was that we weren't dating so he didn't owe me any explaination. My position was that he told me everything else but he left that out and it makes me suspicious of why. It was not good.

This morning he stopped over to talk. I apologized for ending the evening on a sour note and for freaking out as much as I did. He said he was sorry for not telling me. Then he told me he thinks we should "cool things off for awhile." He said I should be focusing on my school work and he's about to start summer session at the community college and thinks he should be focusing on that. It was pretty much his way of brushing me off without appearing like the bad guy.

I am so finished with him. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to hear his name. I have wasted so much time on him and now that we were finally going somewhere he decides to blow the whistle on it. I just don't have time for that anymore. So as of now Josh Anderson is completely out of my life!

Ugghh... I think I've been spending too much time having fun and not enough time doing school work. My Chemistry grade is slipping and my Alg2/Trig teacher sent home a progress report for Aunt Lu to sign. Lets just say that the term "progress" really doesn't belong in the title of this report. I haven't made any progress. I don't know what to do. I'm definitely more of a social studies/English person and not much of a math/science person. I just don't want this to ruin my GPA. I have my sites on Columbia and while my Chemistry grade isn't horrible, my Algebra 2/Trig grade won't get me into Columbia. :(

I probably won't be able to leave the house once my father gets wind of this. He'll have Aunt Lu tie me to my desk.

At least I had one last night of fun yesterday. We had our choir concert. I love the spring concert because we always sing fun songs. We did a Broadway medley that I love. I'm going to miss singing it.

After the concert there was a little reception with punch and cookies. I found my mom, Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda in the cafeteria. My mom told me that Josh was there which surprised me because I didn't expect him to show up since he had a final yesterday afternoon.

I talked to my family and Molly's parents, and Lauren and Mrs. Anderson came over to talk to us. It was like a neighborhood gathering. Josh walked over and said hi to everyone and then put his arm around me, kissed my cheek and asked how my arm was. It was cute and I loved that he did that in front of everyone. It means he's not scared to show he cares!

Uncle Bill started joking about my many trips to the emergency room this weekend so I excused myself to get some punch. Josh walked over with me and we talked about his final and how he was packing up his things to move home on Friday.

We got interrupted a few times. Our choir director wanted to talk to Josh, Alex and Tom said hello, and Jennifer was crying because it was her last concert. But Nancy stayed away...it kind of surprised me!

I finally got to ask him about Dave and he said he wanted to leave Dave with a message: not to tangle with either him or me. I'm not really sure what to think of this. It's not Josh's style to behave like that. He usually handles things with more tact and diplomacy. On the other hand, Dave did serve me alcohol as a minor and while I was on heavy pain medication. But the police are involved and Dave is in big trouble. Shouldn't that be enough?

I told him that I don't want him playing vigilante on my behalf. He admitted that he has never reacted like that before and didn't know what got into him. He promised not to get further involved. The last thing I want is Dave charging Josh with assault! The whole thing is just so out of control. It makes me think that life would be so much easier if I just stuck to my studies for awhile.

I ran in to Dave yesterday...well, not really. I pretty much hunted him down with Lindsay's help. She was so mad that he gave me alcohol - I've never seen her like this! Anyway, when we found him I was shocked to see that he had a black eye. I asked how it happened and he just told me I should ask my "boyfriend." The only thing I can think of is that Josh punched him when he went to see him Saturday night.

Josh called me last night. He said he needed to take a study break and he wanted to hear my voice! We only talked for a few minutes...he said he really had to get back to his studying so I didn't get the chance to ask him about Dave. It did made me feel better talking to him. I think I was just blowing things out of proportion this weekend because I was in pain and had all the medicine running through me.

I think I'd also feel better if we had rescheduled our first date. I know Josh said it would happen but until we schedule it, it's going to drive me crazy. This weekend is too busy for a date. I have to help out at the talent show on Friday and Saturday night is Josh's b-day party. My mom wants to take me to Washington D.C. the following weekend because she's going back to Florida right before Memorial Day and wants to spend some time with me.

Oh well, I guess I just have to believe that if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, things are so busy and crazy with the school year winding down. On Saturday I have orientation for the swim club. The choir concert is tonight. Busy, busy!

I have the week off from work so that my arm can rest. I was the orthopedic doctor today and he said that by next week I should be able to unwrap it and start physical therapy on it. I guess the kind of fracture I have isn't that bad because they say that after a few days I need to start trying to straighten the arm. I know it's going to hurt like hell. :(

Last night was our last choir practice of the year. Our concert is Wednesday night. It's my favorite concert because we always do the fun songs.

There is a talent show Friday night. I'm not in it, but I'm going to be selling tickets at the door. I'm glad I wasn't supposed to do an act. This stupid arm injury would have messed things up even more.

I haven't thought that much about the Josh situation since yesterday, but I'm not feeling that down about it anymore. Maybe I was over reacting. After all, this weekend did not go as planned, and I'm sure that contributed to my poor outlook on things. Just knowing that after tomorrow afternoon he'll be done with New York for a few months makes me feel better. Saturday night is his birthday party. Kelly is having it at her house and it's karaoke theme so that we can all sing. It should be a good time.

I only have a few minutes to write today because we have marathon choir rehearsals today. Our concert is Wednesday night.

I've been dragging all day. My head still hurts like crazy. I swear Dave better run for his life if he ever sees me headed his way because I am so annoyed with him! I just feel like I can't win when it comes to Josh because there is always someone working against us...Jennifer, Wendy, Dave, and Nancy. It's like the odds are stacked against us.

Maybe it really isn't supposed to happen. He doesn't live here anymore. When I heard that he was thinking of staying in New York it really upset me. I know he chose to come home, but the fact that it wasn't an automatic choice bothers me for some reason.

I don't know. I know I should be happy. Josh Anderson wants to be more than friends. It's what I've wanted for a year now, so why am I not happier? Maybe it's the pain medicine... I'll see how things go when he comes home.

If last weekend was like heaven, then this weekend was like hell.

But I did learn three things:

1) I am never going to watch Barkley again.
2) Always be careful what you wish for because you never know how the wish can be granted.
3) Don't mix prescription pain medication with alcohol.

Let me explain... Friday night Molly, Jennifer, Kim and Lauren all gathered at my house for what seemed like a quiet night at home, eating pizza, watching movies and sitting with Barkley. We were sitting around eating pizza and we were talking about guys and I said that I wished I could see Josh because even though he was home I hadn't seen him yet. Shortly after that I took Barkley outside to do his business. A squirrel caught his eye and he was off and running, with me still holding the leash. We did catch him later though so don't worry about him...worry about me! I feel down, breaking my fall with my arm, and breaking my arm.

Lauren got her mother to take me to the hospital. It wasn't really a break. It was a fracture but it still hurt like crazy and I was not a happy camper. My mom rushed over and she and Mrs. Anderson were sitting with me after they did the x-rays and I was freaking out because I was afraid the fracture would ruin my first date with Josh.

Then Josh showed up. Lauren had called him and he was worried about me. He managed to help me relax a little. They wrapped my arm - instead of a cast because the type of fracture should only set for a few days and then I need to start strengthening the muscle...something like that.

As I was walking out Molly said, "Well you got to see Josh." And Lauren was like, "I guess it goes to show you that you should be careful what you wish for."

Fast forward to Saturday. My arm was killing me and my mom wanted me to cancel my date. I was in a crabby mood and I probably should have cancelled the date. No, scratch that: I definitely should have cancelled. It was a nightmare.

I took pain medication before going. We went to a restaurant and guess who our waiter was? Dave, my prom date for last year. I ordered and iced tea. I drank the whole thing really quickly because the pain medication made me thirsty. Well, I didn't know at the time that he had brought me a LONG ISLAND iced tea. Remind you of a "That 70's Show" episode? Only it was worse because not only did I get drunk off of one drink, but I had the pain medication in my system.

I was feeling really sick so I excused myself to go to the restroom. The restaurant had mirrors all over the walls so on my way to the restroom I walked into the wall and bumped my head pretty badly. In fact, when I woke up Josh, Dave and a few other people were standing over me. Josh decided to take me to the hospital.

We got to the hospital and they were checking me out and then they let Josh come in to see me. He asked how I was feeling. I told him I was great because I was still pretty tipsy. Then I went on and on about how we should go dancing. Then I said, "You're a sexy guy, Josh Anderson. In fact, you're the sexiest guy I've ever seen." And then I told him he was nice, and smart and that it's hard to find nice, smart and sexy all in the same guy. Then my mom walked in and I said to her, "Mom, don't you think Josh is a sexy guy?" AUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! It's so humiliating!

So this morning Molly came over with muffins, to hear the whole agonizing story. I was soaking in self-pity when my mom called from church to let me know that Josh told her he was going to stop by to see me. Thank God she gave me the heads up because I looked horrible. And him seeing me like that really would have been the final straw so I got up and got myself looking acceptable.

My mom and Aunt Lu got back with Josh and Molly left. He asked how my head was and joked that I was the only person he's ever known to be in the ER two nights in a row. I told him that I was sorry for whatever I had said while I was under the influence and that I was so embarrassed. He flashed me one of those amazing smiles and said, "You told me I was the sexiest man you'd ever seen. There's no reason to be embarrassed about that!"

He dragged me out of the house for lunch at Dairy Queen. He told me he had gone back to have a word with Dave after my mom took me home last night. Dave told him he had given me a Long Island Iced Tea so that I would know what it's like to be drunk and that I would understand why he acted like such a fool last year. I can say with certainty that Dave failed to get any sympathy from me.

After we ate lunch we got ice cream and sat outside. We were talking when I heard someone say, "Sunshine!" I turned around and it was Henry from the swim club! He gave me a big hug and asked Josh if he was beating me up. It was all good natured though. He mentioned next week's orientation and then told Josh he hadn't gotten his application yet. Josh told him that he had been planning to living in New York all summer but had just changed his mind and was going to be home! I was shocked! It never occurred to me that Josh wouldn't come home.

After Henry left I asked him about it. He said that originally he was going to live in New York this summer but he had changed his mind. He said New York was too expensive and his friends and family would all be here. I'm glad he's coming home, but something about it made me a little uneasy.

He kissed me when we got back to the house and said we'd reschedule our first date. And then he left for New York and I'm stuck here trying to make sense of this whole horrible weekend. :(

Molly and I were supposed to go shopping after school today but Aunt Lu told me I should use the time to study. I admit, I haven't been doing much of that lately, so I didn't put up a fight. Molly and I rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I have to work tonight so it's probably better this way.

I've had to fight back the impulse to drop by the library. Lauren told me that Josh is home but is planning to be at the library studying all weekend (except for Saturday night!). I really want to go over and see him but I know it will be totally obvious, and I know that he's trying to work and I'd only be in the way.

Lindsay informed me that she asked Josh to play the piano for her choir project. I guess she thought it would bother me but it doesn't. I'm a little bummed that she won't tell me what song she's singing. She says it's a secret. That got me thinking about what song I'm going to do. I still have a few weeks to figure it out though. I figure if the American Idols can come up with a new song each week, I can too!

I'm still going a little crazy thinking about Saturday night. I'm just so excited. It's going to be perfect. Me and Josh on our first date! What could be more perfect than that?

I've got to run. I need to eat a quick dinner and then get over to the dance studio.

Ughhh...Just found out I have to watch Barkley on Friday night. Aunt Linda is having her family over and she invited my mom and Aunt Lu. They didn't want the dog to get in the way so they're bringing him to our house. Don't get me wrong, I love the little guy, but the last time ended in disaster: Barkley... skunk... tomato juice everywhere! Aunt Lu told me I can have some friends over to watch movies to try to make it up to me. Molly wanted to have a girl's night so we're going to hang out at my house.

Good news though...Josh called last night. Finals have started and apparently Keith and his new girlfriend are making it hard for Josh to get any studying done at the dorm. He's coming home until Monday! He said I won't see too much of him until Saturday because he's going to be at the library, but I just like knowing that he's close by.

I can't wait until Saturday night. I can't believe I'm going on a date with Josh. Molly and I are going shopping tomorrow after school to search for a new outfit for me. :)

Friday we do our show again for the school. Tonight we have a rehearsal to brush up on things.

Molly, Kim and I started our "get the truth out about Brett" campaign yesterday. We want to make sure everyone knows that he lied about Lauren. I think yesterday was a hard day for her. She was so worried about what people were saying, but I don't really think they were that interested in what happened between her and Brett.

I got my employment info from the swim club yesterday. I'm only working the camp this year since I want to continue at the dance studio as well. I told them I could fill in at the snack bar if they really need me, but I don't want to do it regularly. Orientation is next Saturday. I can't wait for summer to get here!

Aunt Lu is making a lot of progress with her physical therapy. I'm glad to see her moving around a lot better. I think my mom is going to head back to Florida in a few weeks. My dad keeps calling and wants her to go home. He just doesn't understand that she's needed up here!

I drove Lauren home from school today. We were talking and she said she was glad that Josh and I were finally going on a "real date" this weekend. I didn't tell her that we were going out this weekend so he must have. And now I don't have to worry about whether it's a "date" or just hanging out. He thinks of it as a date and that's more than fine with me! I just can't believe it's really happening. I am going on a date with Josh Anderson Saturday night! Yea! :)

The weekend was perfect. It was everything I could have wanted it to be.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Molly and I left school at lunch on Friday. We stopped for a quick bite to eat and then went to the salon to get our hair done. We both got up dos. Originally I was afraid to get it done so many hours before the prom but my hair was not coming down. I’ve never had so many pins and so much hair spray in my hair before.

On the way home Josh called. At first I was worried that he was going to cancel. Molly scolded me and told me to just answer the phone. When I did he told me his mom wanted to know if we would take pictures with Lauren and Brett. I can’t believe I was so worried!

I spent the rest of the day getting ready, and by the time the doorbell rang I was super nervous. I knew that this was my chance to spend time with Josh and find what’s going to happen between us. I was excited and scared out of my mind. I was so afraid that things would get messed up, you know? It was like I was standing on the edge of something huge and terrified of getting hurt. But I remembered what Josh holding his hand out to me at the baseball game and saying, “I’ll catch you if you fall.” I realized that I can trust him and that he wouldn’t ever hurt me on purpose.

When I walked down the stairs and saw him standing there I felt completely at ease. He looked so gorgeous in his tux! And his eyes were shining…so cute! He told me I liked beautiful and my mom and Aunt Lu both said “Ah!” I was ready to kill them!

My mom took pictures and then we rushed over to the Andersons’ house. My mom and Mrs. Anderson took more pictures. Then it was to Molly’s house for pictures with everyone: Lindsay, Tom, Jennifer, Terry, Molly, Alex, Josh and I. From there it was to the prom.

Dinner was fun. The boys were giving Molly a hard time for never seeing “Star Wars” and Alex was shocked that he was dating someone who hadn’t seen a pop culture phenomenon. Molly just kept rolling her eyes and shaking her head at him. A few people stopped over to say hello to Josh. Rich walked over and said hi and just smiled knowingly at us. I don’t know what’s up with him. I’ve only talked to him a few times – and the time we were in the elevator was the biggest conversation I’ve had with him. Nancy also stopped by. She didn’t say a word to me. Probably better that way since I wanted to rip her tongue out, tie it around her neck and strangle her with it.

After dinner the dancing began. Alex wanted to do the Cha Cha the whole night – since it’s the only dance he knows. I think Molly was getting a little annoyed – especially since most of the songs were not Cha Cha’s! I finally requested the song “Dance With Me” so that he could put his moves to work. Josh and I also got to show off some of our swing dancing moves. I kind of felt bad for Lindsay, though. Tom wasn’t much of a dancer but Alex and Terry both danced with her.

I danced with Alex and Terry. Josh danced with Molly, Jennifer and Nancy (I told him it was okay…trying to be the bigger person), but other than that Josh and I stuck together the whole evening.

The rain held off so we walked outside on the balcony. I looked up at the sky but there were too many clouds to see the stars. He must have known I was looking for the stars because he asked me if I remembered a conversation that we had last year at the prom. I actually did remember it because I went back and read my blog post about last year’s prom and I mentioned it! It was a conversation about star gazing. He asked if I still wanted to admire the stars from afar. I told him that there are times to watch from afar, but there are also times to take a closer look. He just smiled at me and looked like he was going to kiss me but the song “Kiss Me” came on and he laughed and was like, “Okay, this would just be too cheesy!” We went inside then and ate our dessert.

Molly got it into her head that she wanted to leave early to get down to the shore but I wanted to stay for the last dance so Alex kept her busy until the end. The last dance was a slow song. I thanked Josh for a great evening as we danced and told me that he had had a good time. I knew by the look in his eyes that it was coming, and then his lips were finally pressed against mine and it was Christmas Eve all over again… only a million times better. Everything I’ve wanted was finally happening and it was all so much better than I could have imagined. If the Christmas Eve kiss was the kiss to keep us warm all winter, than this kiss would keep us from cooling down all summer!

I was sure everyone knew what was going on afterwards because we kept grinning at each other like we were lovesick! No one noticed except Molly who had seen us kiss. I told her not to say anything. I didn’t want everyone to know there was something going on until I figured out what it was.

So we all headed home, changed and picked up our bags for the weekend and then it was off to Molly’s shore house. Josh drove my car and Alex and Molly rode down with us. Molly wanted my car down there thinking we could put the top down and cruise around. Unfortunately it was cold and looked like it would start raining at any second. I wasn’t really comfortable driving that far so Josh did the driving for me.

It was almost 2:00 when we got there. Lindsay, Tom, Jennifer, Terry, Kim, Kevin, Rhonda, Mitch and I were all there. The house is two stories with two apartments. The girls were upstairs and the boys were downstairs. Molly and I shared a room.

We didn’t go to sleep right away though. Everyone sat down to play Apples to Apples but I wanted to get on the beach before it started raining so I managed to get Josh out the door without anyone following us. We ran down to the beach and I could smell the salt air. It was nice being at the beach again. I touched the sand and Josh remarked that it wasn’t as nice as Siesta Key. I didn’t care though. We walked down to the water and I made him take off his shoes so we could get our feet wet. He tried to warn me that the water would be freezing, but I didn’t listen. Unfortunately, the water is nothing like Florida and he was right. I thought my toes were going to freeze off. He was a good sport about it though.

We sat down on the sand and talked for a little while. He was worried about Lauren. She had seemed agitated at the end of the night but we didn’t know why (we found out on Saturday…I’ll get to that later). The things we talked about were ordinary, every day things, but for some reason it seemed like such and important conversation. There was something different in his eyes – a good different – and I wanted to stay there looking in them forever.

The wind was picking up and I knew it was going to rain soon. Josh teased me that my hair wasn’t moving at all. There was probably a whole bottle of hair spray on my hair and a million bobby pins so it wasn’t going anywhere. Josh touched my hair and then he moved in and kissed me again. All of my fears were put to rest then. I was worried that maybe it wasn’t real, that our previous kisses were just accidents or things that would never happen again…but as he kissed me I knew this connection between us is 100% real. We didn’t get to sit there as long as I would have liked because it started to rain.

We got back to the house and everyone was in the middle of a game of Taboo – girls against boys. Josh and I joined our respective teams. The girls won! By then it was 4:30 in the morning and everyone was going to bed. I wanted another moment with Josh but I didn’t want to seem clingy or let on to the others that something was going on.

SATURDAY

We slept almost all morning on Saturday. We skipped breakfast and went straight to lunch. Molly has a favorite seafood restaurant in Point Pleasant so we drove over there and had lunch. After that we went over to the boardwalk.

It was raining off and on. We managed to squeeze a walk on the boardwalk in before it really came down. Most of the time we were in the arcade. I’m a champion at ski ball and Molly and I played air hockey. She beat me twice but I came back on the third game.

Josh pulled me into one of the picture booths and we had our picture taken. As I was getting up to leave the picture booth Josh took me by the arm and was like, “not so fast.” He pulled me back into the seat and kissed me. It was really cute.

I was kind of bummed that the weather was so bad and that the boardwalk was kind of dead. Josh promised to bring me back to the beach over the summer. :)

After that we went back to Long Beach Island. Kelly and Jason were coming for dinner so Molly, Kim and I went grocery shopping for food.

Dinner was interesting. Kelly acted like Josh should be paying full attention to her and Jason. I think she was getting on his nerves, and I felt really uncomfortable around her. As we were finishing up our meal my cell phone rang. I answered it and Lauren was on the other end crying hysterically. I got up from the table to hear her better but I couldn’t really make out what she was saying, except that she wanted to talk to Josh. I gave him the phone. He talked to her for a second and then went downstairs to talk to her in private. He was gone for a half hour so I went to find him. He was pacing around his room and talking to her. He was on his phone then and handed my phone back to me. When he got off he told me that Lauren was heartbroken. Brett had tried to pressure her into sex. When she said no, he dumped her. My first instinct was she’s better off without him, but then Josh said there was more. Apparently Brett told everyone that they did sleep together and that Lauren was horrible in bed and that’s why he broke it off! Josh looked like he was ready to kill someone.

I calmed him down and reminded him that Molly is one of the most popular girls in school and that she could single handedly set the record straight and bring Brett down. That seemed to make him feel better.

We were all beat from the night before so everyone was ready to call it a night by 11:00. I was kind of disappointed that Josh and I didn’t get to spend much alone time together but I didn’t want to bother him. He seemed stressed about his sister.

SUNDAY

When I woke up Sunday morning the sun was shining! I was so excited. We made a big breakfast at the house and then we took a ride over to a light house. We went inside and up to the top. The view was awesome, and Josh was in a much better mood.

We got ice cream after that and then took a walk by the water. Josh apologized for being moody the night before. He said that Kelly was getting on his nerves because she wanted him to pay attention to her. I made a remark about how she had come to see him, and he was like, “that’s fine, but I came to see you.” My heart turned over in my chest and I told him that if he wanted to see me, he should come home more. And he said, “I just might do that.”

After our walk we got back in the car and went back to the beach house to throw the towels and sheets in the dryer and then we grabbed lunch, and cleaned up the house before packing up the car.

From there we headed to Princeton for dinner. Kelly had called and insisted that we meet them for dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack. I could tell she was getting on Josh’s nerves again but he did a good job at hiding it.

At the end of dinner she ticked me off because she insisted that she and Jason should take him to the train since they had to go that way anyway. I really wanted to spend every second I could with him before he had to go. We said an awkward good-bye in the parking lot and he left with Kelly and Jason.

Molly, Alex and I were starting to head home when my phone rang and Josh said he left his book in my car and asked if I’d drive over to the train station. Molly thinks he did it on purpose so he could see me again, but I don’t care why it happened I was just so glad to see him again.

We got to the train station and the three of us went up to the train platform where he was waiting with Kelly and Jason. We stayed there with them for a few minutes and then the light for the train started flashing that it was coming. Josh said good-bye to everyone but I still felt awkward about it.

As he was walking away I called out his name (I know, this sounds like a lame movie ending!). He turned and I ran over to him and thanked him for a great weekend. He gave me a big hug and a mischievous grin. He said, “So, should we give them something to talk about?” I didn’t know what he was talking about but I nodded and he kissed me right there in front of all of them. Then he looked into my eyes and said, “How about dinner next Saturday?” I was kind of taken aback but I must have indicated a “yes” somehow. He smiled and gave me one last quick kiss and said, “I’ll see you then.”

When I turned back to my friends Molly was grinning from ear to ear and Kelly looked completely shocked. It was priceless! The perfect ending to an amazing weekend.