I know it's been awhile but the past few weeks have been pretty heart breaking, and I've been pretty stupid. I've been so obsessed with Josh for the past year that I haven't been able to see so much of what's going on around me. I've been walking around for almost two weeks like the injured party, treating him like jerk. He was right to tell me we had to take a break.

Last Thursday night was the night we performed out choir projects. I knew Josh would be there because he was playing piano for Lindsay's song. I picked a song that I knew would get to him. I sang "Could've Been" by Tiffany or Mandy Moore...Carrie Underwood sang it on American Idol. With lyrics like, "the sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing,I guess our song is over as we begin to sing..." and "Everytime I get my hopes up they always seem to fall, still what could've been is better than what could never be at all..." the song was perfect for what I was feeling.

After I sang it was Lindsay's turn. She sang the song "My Immortal." It was like an epiphany for me...watching Josh's fingers on the piano keys playing that haunting melody, and then listening as Lindsay began to sing the sad words. For a year she's been haunted by James' death every second of every day and I was too caught up in my own life to see it. She's been dealing with something so huge and so life changing and I've been acting like a baby because Josh doesn't do what I want him to do.

Tears were streaming down my face as she sang, and when I looked at Josh it was like he was sad, lost in the song. Afterwards I gave Lindsay a big hug and told her I was so sorry I hadn't seen how much pain she'd been in. She didn't look upset though. She told me she felt better after singing the song because she didn't have to pretend to be strong or okay any more. She said it helped her get her feelings out.

Then she told me that I'd been acting like a brat towards Josh. That I had misunderstood what he had meant when he said he needed a break. She told me that she had lost James to something bigger than any of us, but Josh was still here, still alive, and I was losing out on a chance to be with him because I was being too much of a brat to talk to him.

I chased him down before he could leave the building and told him that I didn't want to fight anymore. He explained to me that when he said he wanted to cool things off, he meant that we should slow things down until school was over, because I'm having problems with math. He also said that our first date was a disaster and that beating up Dave was not like him. He said it freaked him out more than anything.

He said that we're not what "could've been," that there's still a "could be." Then he said that he wants it us to be a "will be." He said he wasn't slowing things down to stop us from happening, he said he was slowing things down so that we don't mess it up before we even started. It was good to talk to him. It cleared a lot of things up for me.

This weekend I spent a few days at Molly's shore house. It was weird because that's where things started with Josh. I missed him, but he was in Pennsylvania working at the swim club. He called me on Sunday though and we talked for a few minutes but other than that I haven't seen or talked to him since last Thursday. I've decided to focus on other things now. I have a fun summer job lined up. I'm going to be Henry's assistant at the swim club (Jen took my job directing the play - I'm cool with it). I also have the dance studio and a lot of school work to focus on right now. If things happen with Josh it will be great, if not, there are other guys out there.