I'm back from Florida. We got home yesterday afternoon. It was hard leaving. I just feel weird. I don't know how else to put it. It feels like my world is being turned upside down. Looking at wills and talking about estates...it's just more than I thought I'd have to handle at this point in my life. Then yesterday before we left my dad told me that he and Nat's dad bought us each a ticket for a cruise this summer. And it's not just any cruise - it's a Mediterranean Cruise. It's absolutely fabulous, but I can't help but feel like it was a parting gift, like he wanted to do one last really, really nice thing for me.

For years I've hated my dad. I hated his drinking, I hated his workaholic tenancies. Things finally started getting better and now he's seriously ill. It's not fair. I want to have a good relationship with him. I don't want to lose out on that, and I feel like it's being taken from me.

Josh says all of my worry is premature, that the doctors are optimistic and I should be too. But my dad's not and if he's not then I just feel like that lessens his chances.

I'm also worried about losing Josh. I know it sounds crazy because things are really good between us, but I just have this feeling that something is around the bend and it's not good. He keeps assuring me that everything is going to be fine but I can't help it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, except that Saturday night Josh was playing the piano at Natalie's family party. One of the guests works in Nashville for a record company and he was very interested in talking to Josh.

I want Josh to be happy and I want him to live his dreams, but the idea of him going off and becoming famous scared the you-know-what out of me. I just feel like I'd lose him forever if he left to pursue a musical career, and at the same time I know it wouldn't be right for me to hold him back from that.