Three day weekend! Thank goodness! Don't get me wrong, I don't hate school, I'm just tired and I'm excited for the summer. The swim club opens tomorrow and I'm working at the snack bar in the afternoon. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm excited to have a little extra money in my pockets!

I'm going out with Dave tonight. I'm still not sure how he sees our relationship. Maybe I'll find out tonight. We're going to see "13 Going on 30." I've been wanting to see that so I'm excited.

So the weekend looks like this: tonight movies with Dave. Saturday is work. Sunday I'm going to with Aunt Lu to visit a friend in the Poconos and we are staying over there until Monday. (So I may not post over the weekend.)

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day! :)

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I wasn't in the mood to go to the cafeteria today and deal with Jennifer and Lindsay, so I brought my lunch to the library and figured I'd fill you in on what's been going on...

This morning Jen and Lindsay were bad mouthing Molly. I think they do it to manipulate me from being friends with her. It's really getting annoying. I love my cousin and I appreciate that she and Jennifer have let me hang out with them, but I'm getting tired of them trying to run my life! Why can't I be friends with them and with Molly?

Dave asked me to hang out with him on Friday night. I think we're going to go to a movie. I really like hanging out with him, but I'm still confused about what kind of relationship he wants with me. Does he want friendship or something more? It's frustrating because I think he's a great guy, but the "something more" idea scares me. Would it be right to date him when my heart really wants Josh? And how can I stop it from wanting Josh?

Speaking of Josh, this girl, Wendy, was all over him on Saturday at the orientation. She was throwing herself at him, and he didn't seem to mind. GRRRR! I don't know where this girl came from, but I'm going to have to deal with her all summer. She's a lifeguard at the pool which means she'll have constant access to Josh. :(

Aside from Wendy, the orientation went well. I'm going to be the head counselor for the drama group, and Lauren is going to be my C.I.T. We'll do the camp from 9:00 - 12:00 Monday through Thursday. All the campers have to take swimming lessons, but the rest of the time we'll be rehearsing a play to put on at the end of the summer. Lauren and I are going to get together next week to throw around some ideas for the play.

The rest of my hours at the club will be at the snack bar. That should be fun too, because Molly works there, so at least I'll have someone that I know to work with. The only problem with having two assignments is having two bosses - the camp director and the snack bar manager, plus the activities director seems real hands-on so I'll probably have to deal with him also. It's going to be hectic.

Well, I should go so that I can study my geometry before lunch is over. I CAN'T WAIT FOR SCHOOL TO BE OUT! I'm so tired of geometry homework!

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The talent show went off without a hitch. I can't believe the rush I got from singing on stage - it was incredible! Josh was incredible too. I just stood there backstage watching him in awe. He is so talented. It's amazing. I know he had talent when I mentioned a song and he just started to play it without anything thought. He told me to sing along but it was too high so he just switched the key without even thinking about it. But on Friday night I saw first hand how incredibly talented he is on the stage. The audience was mesmerized by him...so was I.

After the show Alex, Josh, Molly, Josh's friend, Jason, and Jason's girlfriend invited me to Friendly's with them for ice cream. I had such a good time with them, and I know now that my first impression of Molly was dead wrong. She is so much fun. I found out how she managed to get in with the popular seniors. Her older brother is a freshman in college and is a musician. He and Josh used to "jam" together all the time before he went away to school.

So that was Friday...the rest of the weekend was pretty boring. On Saturday I did homework, and went to the mall with Lindsay and Jennifer. On Sunday, Aunt Lucinda had a family birthday party for Uncle Bill.

Today it was back to school. I am counting down the days until school is out. It's been a grueling few months. I can't wait to enjoy some of the hot weather that I'm used to. I also can't wait for my best friend from Florida to visit!

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I am so nervous about tonight. I think I'm going to be sick! :(

Tonight is the talent show. I was feeling better about it last night, but now I'm just plain old scared! Why did I let those boys talk me into this? Sigh... Maybe it's because one of them has the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen.

I don't know how I'm going to get over Josh Anderson. He haunts me. I can't shake him. He's the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of in the morning. The way those shiny blue eyes look at me...and that smile...it's enough to make a girl loose her head and her heart.

I try to forget him. I really do. I hate to see Jennifer so sad over him. She came to Molly's party for him Saturday night, which I have to say was a pretty brave thing to do considering that Josh had broken her heart and Molly hates her. She was putting on a brave front, but I could tell she was falling apart inside. If I went after Josh now it would be like a knife in her back. Maybe someday things will be different...

I don't know. Josh really doesn't seem that interested in me anyway. Right after the baseball game, I thought he had taken a liking to me, but lately he's sort of been in another world. Lauren mentioned to me that he didn't have university housing in NY for next fall, and he was struggling to find an apartment in the city that he could afford. Maybe that's what's been going on with him...or maybe there's some new girl that I don't know about.

Oh, I got my iPod back. I left it at the Anderson's house. Josh gave it to me at school the other day. He said he knew it was mine because of all of the Jessica Simpson, Sarah McLauchlin and NSYNC songs on it. He probably thinks I'm a teenie bopper! I asked him how he knew that I listened to them, and he said he could hear it from his bedroom when our windows were both open (our houses are only a few feet from each other). I think it's time to shut the windows and crank up the AC. Thank God I haven't told anyone (except Alex) that I like Josh. I can just picture myself gushing about him on the phone or something, and him sitting in his room hearing everything I say! Can you imagine?


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Sorry that I've been MIA again. Things have been busy with school starting to wind down.

Saturday night was Molly's party for Josh. It was fun, and Josh was completely surprised. He told me that he was glad I was there, which makes it really hard for me in my pursuit to forget him! The biggest surprise of the night for me, however, was how much fun I had with Molly. We were playing Taboo and we were on the same team. We won because we guessed everything quickly - it was like we could read each others minds! Everyone tried to accuse us of cheating! It was really funny. :)

Today I sang my song for our choir project. I think I nailed it. I ended up picking the song, "Woman In Love." I thought it was appropriate since I've been pining over Josh, and it fit with the 70's theme that the guys had going. Tomorrow night is the talent show. I'm not as nervous now as I was before. Performing today really helped. Josh is also really supportive - damn, there I go again not doing very well with forgetting about him.

On Saturday I have an orientation for the swim club. It's an all day training session. Should be interesting...

That's all for now!

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I had a really good time with Dave last night. We went out for Chinese food and then went to see a movie. If I weren't infatuated with Josh I would definetely like Dave. The problem is, that despite how much fun we had, I got home and felt sad because I wished I had spent the evening with Josh. I'm not even sure how Dave looks at our relationship. I don't know if he wants to be friends or more than friends. Maybe I'm jumping the gun. Maybe there's no interest on his part and I won't even have to worry about it.

After I logged off yesterday Molly stopped over to see me. I was as surprised as you are. She told me that she was having a birthday party for Josh at her house tonight and invited me over! Molly must have seen how surprised I was because she said, "Josh would want you to be there." She told me that she even invited Jennifer - "For Josh's sake." Maybe Miss Molly isn't as bitchy as I thought...

Maybe I'm really not fair to Molly. I only know what Jennifer has told me, and she's only going to talk about what a b*tch Molly is because she hates her. Frankly, I've never seen Molly do anything mean or nasty to anyone, and most people seem to like her. Although, I still wonder how she, as a sophomore, managed to become part of the popular senior crowd...

I'll check back in with party details! :)

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I'm sorry I haven't checked in since last week. Things have been busy.

Friday morning my mom called me and told me that she got a cheap flight to Philadelphia so that we could spend mother's day weekend together. We had a nice time while she was here. We went to the zoo and had tea with Aunt Lu on mother's day.

I rehearsed with Josh and Alex over the weekend. I'm kind of excited now about performing.

This has been a weird week for me. I've had a flood of different and opposing emotions on the Josh issue. Monday was a normal day of obsessing over him, but things changed on Tuesday. As I was leaving school I ran into Jennifer and found her crying. It was kind of awkward because we aren't that close but I talked to her and found out she was crying over Josh. :(

Apparently Jennifer told Josh that she wanted to be more than friends, and Josh told her he wasn't interested. He said he thought she was a special person but he didn't have those kind of feelings for her. This is where it gets weird for me. My first thought was "yippie!" But then I saw how sad Jennifer was and my heart broke for her. She's liked this guy since she was in 9th grade and she was completely devastated.

I spent the rest of the week feeling bummed. I feel like I have to stay away from Josh more now than I did before. Jennifer's confided in me and I really feel bad for her. It wouldn't seem right to go after him... How do I get myself into these messes?

On Wednesday Dave asked me if I wanted to go out tonight. I haven't hung out with him since the prom so I said yes...I'm just not sure if this is supposed to be a date or just two friends hanging out. He suspects that I have feelings for Josh, so I'm thinking he just wants to hang out. We're going out for Chinese food (yum yum yum!) and possibly a movie.

Oh, speaking of movies, last weekend my mom and I saw "Mean Girls." Damn, the girls in that movie were horrible! Even though Jen and Lindsay bug me sometimes, at least they aren't that bad. Really, it's Jen that is a little iffy, but I think deep down she's a decent person. I just think she really cares for Josh and didn't want me getting in her way of a relationship that looked (to her) like it could happen...not sure where things went wrong. Before the baseball game, I'll admit that Jennifer and Josh were hanging out a lot, but I'm not convinced that he ever felt the way she felt.

Oh, and American Idol is driving me mad! Every week I get more and more upset. La Toya should be the American Idol. Diana bugs me. I can't explain why. Fantasia is too full of herself. That only leaves Jasmine. Personality wise, Jas is my girl, but vocally she can't compete with the others.

Anyway, I Aunt Lu said I can't go out until I clean my room, so I better be moving along!

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Grr...I'm so mad at myself. For months I saved my money for an iPod. I finally got it back in March and I've already lost it! :(

American Idol was disappointing last night. George was the only one left that I cared about. It's weird but I only really liked the guys this time around - and Amy Adams, she had personality. I don't even know if I'll keep watching. I really don't care enough about the other contestants to want to see who wins. I don't think any of them have the star quality that Kelly Clarkson has.

I'm going to Alex's house tonight to watch the final episode of "Friends." He said that he had a pretty big group of people going over there. I wanted to ask if Josh were among that group but I didn't. I think he would have told me if Josh were going to be there.

Okay, I should get my homework done so that I'm finished before I go to Alex's.

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Sorry that I didn't post yesterday. It was a very busy day...

It was just me and Alex at lunch yesterday. Jennifer got called back on her audition and Lindsay was out sick. Well, I made the mistake of telling Alex that I had been throwing around the idea of singing for my choir project. Of course he wanted me to do it. We spent the whole lunch period going back and forth over it. Now here's the kicker...Josh walks over to talk to Alex about rehearsing and the two of them gang up on me! Josh even offered to accompany me on piano or guitar. How can a girl say no to that? Well, I did - at first.

I left lunch and headed to geometry where I ended up daydreaming about spending time alone with Josh, rehearsing and kissing...okay, so he didn't offer the kissing part, but a girl can fantasize, can't she?

After geometry I went to choir. Josh walked over to me before class and offered again to accompany me. He told me to think about it and drop by his house after dinner if I wanted to do it.

I walked home from school weighing the pros and cons. The cons were that it would probably tick of Jennifer, and thereby ticking of Lindsay. I was also scared to death to sing in front of Josh - the guy who is known by everyone at school for being the most amazing musician. The pros were that I'd be spending time with Josh rehearsing...and that outweighed any negatives.

I went over to Josh's after dinner. He and Alex were rehearsing. They are doing a 70's theme set for the talent show and using one of the songs for their project. They told me if I pick a song from the 70's they'll let me sing in their set! So now I've gone from not singing at all to singing for my choir project and for the talent show! (I was worried that Jennifer might be mad, but Alex told me this morning that they asked Jennifer and she declined the offer. She wanted to do her own set.)

We threw around some song ideas but didn't settle on anything. They told me to think about it. We're going to rehearse on Saturday afternoon. Josh told me to pick anything I want. He said he'd be able to play it in any key I want.

When we were finished I watched "American Idol" with Lauren before heading home. I couldn't help it. I wanted to stay close to Josh for as long as I could. He watched the end of the show with us. He joked that Fantasia didn't need to sing, she should just bend over on stage so that it's easier for Randy, Paula and Simon to kiss her butt.

Today was a little more routine. Jennifer and Lindsay were both back. Jennifer seemed to handle it pretty well that I was singing with Alex and Josh. She and Lindsay were both caught up in the way Lindsay's boyfriend has been acting. Apparently he took beer to Jennifer's after-prom party and got drunk all by himself. Lindsay was worried about him. All I have to say is THANK GOD I WASN'T THERE! I have no tolerance for that type of behavior. I guess that's what happens when you grow up with a drunk parent. Either that or you become a drunk yourself.

Well, I should get going. Aunt Lucinda is driving me down to the University of Pennsylvania to get some research material for my English paper. I want to get her moving so that we're home in time for "American Idol!"

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Okay, brief rundown of the rest of the weekend. Alex and I played miniature golf Saturday night. I kicked his butt! When we got back to my house we saw Josh's car parked out front so I guess he didn't go to Molly's. Alex stopped by last night after rehearsing with Josh for their choir project. He told me that he didn't think Josh had any interest in Jennifer.

Jennifer wasn't in school today so I didn't have to suffer through her rundown of the prom. She's an actress and was in New York on an audition for a commercial. She's had a few commercial and theater roles up there. Maybe she'll get cast on a show and have to move up there - or better, to Los Angeles. I know, I'm horrible...but I can't help but wish.

I swear I'm like Little Miss Obvious! I was walking out of the choir room after school and Josh was standing there talking to the principle. I just froze and stared at him like a starstruck fan. It was so humiliating. He must think there is something wrong with me...oh, but maybe he's right! Maybe there is something wrong with a girl who gives up a chance to get to know a really great guy because some other girl has liked him longer. Once I managed to wipe the drool and my pride up off the floor I bolted out of there. He must think I'm a nutcase. He's probably happy that I've brushed him off.

But I've become so crazy about him. I can't stop thinking about him and those amazing blue eyes. Last night I played "This I Promise You" over and over again. I was lying there in bed pretending his arms were around me and we were dancing again. I really don't know what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to forget him. How do you put the most amazing person on the planet out of your mind?

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I was exhausted when I got home last night so I apologize for not posting the details until now. Here we go...

The Prom was totally crazy...Everyone met for pictures at Lindsay's house. My Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda were there along with Aunt Lucinda, Josh's mom and Lauren.

Dave was a real gentleman and kept complimenting me. We took the limo from Lindsay's to the prom. Dinner was okay. I thought I'd suffer through dinner...you know, having to sit at the same table as Josh but not be able to talk to him... I was actually able to tolerate it. He got up and went over to his friends' table for a while which made it a little easier. It's just so hard to be around him when I can't be his friend.

After dinner we started to dance. Dave's ex-girlfriend was there and I could tell that he wanted to talk to her so I told him that he should ask her to dance. Well, he disappeared for a half hour!

I started to get tired of waiting for him so I walked outside to the balcony and was looking up at the stars when Josh walked out! He told me that I should become an astonomer since I like star gazing so much. I told him that I'd rather just admire them from afar. I explained that I'm afraid that if I knew too much about them that they wouldn't have the same mystery. He kind of looked at me strangly but said that he understood. I think he was going to say something else but Jennifer came out and dragged him back inside.

I waited a few minutes and then walked inside. A slow song was playing and Dave was still nowhere to be seen so I stood off to the side. While I was standing there Molly walked over to me. I guess she noticed me watching Jennifer and Josh because she said, "It must be hard." I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked her what she meant. She said, "It must be hard letting Jennifer have him when you want him." Can you believe her?!?!?!?!? I just ignored her.

The next song was a fast dance so I hit the dance floor with Lindsay and James. Dave joined us and apologized for being gone so long. His ex was having a hard time seeing him with another girl. If she only knew that I have NO interest in him what-so-ever!

Dave and I slow danced and he asked me if I wanted to dance with Josh! I have no idea where that came from. I told him that Josh was with Jennifer and I didn't care whether I danced with him or not. So Dave was like, "I'm going to ask Jennifer to dance when the next slow song comes on. What you do with that time is up to you."

So the next song comes on and Dave goes over to Jennifer and Josh and cuts in. At this point my heart was pounding so hard. I don't know why. I think I was scared that Jennifer would see through it. Josh looked at me and walked over. He held out his hand and asked me to dance.

I don't think I can deny it anymore. Not after that dance. I said yes and took his hand. He led me to the dance floor and pulled me close - closer than I expected. I don't even know how to describe it, except that there was a little extra electricity in the air during those four and a half minutes of "This I Promise You." If I had known how powerful those few minutes would be I probably would've run for the hills. It was the first time since I got here that I've really felt safe. I didn't ever want to let him go. It just felt so good to be in his arms...oh, and he smelt so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o good. At the end of the dance he leaned into my right ear and whispered, "You look beautiful tonight."

How can I deny that I don't think he's the most amazing guy on the earth after that? It's just so unfair...Jennifer sets her sights on him three years ago so everyone thinks that she deserves him. But what does he deserve? Shouldn't he get to pick who he wants to be with? I just don't think Jennifer's that person...

At the end of the night Dave dropped me off at home. He told me he thinks I should tell Josh how I feel about him. I told him again that I don't care about Josh. He kind of laughed and was like, "Well, if you did care about Josh, I think it would be smart to tell him - before this thing with Jennifer becomes real."

He just doesn't understand that if something happened between me and Josh, Jennifer would think I "stole" him from her, and Lindsay would be ticked off. I really don't need the two of them making things more difficult for me. Besides, no matter how annoyed I may be with them about this whole thing, they have been really good to me since I got here. They let me eat lunch with them, go shopping with them and they've introduced me to people. I think the best thing to do would be to forget Josh.

Anyway, Alex is picking me up in a little while for our day out. It's such a nice day so we're going to go to the lake and do some homework and then we're going to go miniture golfing and out to dinner. Thank God for Alex. I don't know what I'd do without him.

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