Things have been much better since Josh visited last weekend. Or maybe I should say that I feel like I have a better handle on things. We talked a lot. He took me out to eat and I actually ate - and my appetite has come back since he was here.

He's back in Nashville now, but at least he knows everything now. I can call him up if I'm having a bad day. I have the support that I needed to help me get through this.

My father's condition is worsening. He's in pain and he refuses to take his pain meds. He thinks that it will just prolong the inevitable. We've tried talking to him. The nurse told him that he needs to pass peacefully and not in agony. He just won't listen.

My mom called last night to find out what I was doing with my dad's Mercedes. I told her I've been driving it - I mean, I need a way to get around down here. Then she asked what my long-term plans for the car are. I don't know! I haven't been real worried about the damn car of all things. Until she called last night, I haven't thought of it as anything more than a mode of transportation. Now I see that it's a status symbol that she wants to get her hands on. I'm so annoyed. She should be asking how I am or how my father is! Not about the damn car! When did she become this thoughtless person? I feel like I don't even know her anymore. It's so disappointing.

Natalie is flying down here tonight and coming over as soon as she gets in. I'm looking forward to seeing her. It helps to have friends around.

I was on the verge of a break down yesterday afternoon when Arie called. He said he was on his way over so I tried to hold it together. It’s just been so much harder since I saw Josh, and I hadn't heard back from him and was frantic.

Arie came over late afternoon. He looked at me nervously and told me that I was either going to hate him or love him. I remember just looking at him and wondering what on earth he was talking about. Then Josh stepped into view and it all started to make sense.

I thought, “he’s got to be so mad,” but he pulled me into his arms and I started to cry. I still thought he was angry but he said, “Sweetheart…Honey, why didn’t you tell me? How could you not tell me?” He sounded frantic but the way he said, “Sweetheart…Honey…” it just made me realize that the distance and strain of the week before were gone. I told him that I was sorry…so very sorry.

He pulled away from me then. His hands were on my face and he was looking me straight in the eye and he said, “I thought it was you. I thought it was you that was sick, Nicole. God, don’t ever do that to me again!” I swear my heart broke into a million pieces. He told me that he’d been frantic all week and then finally he broke down and called Aunt Lu and she told him what was really going on. I guess it was only a matter of time before someone told him, and I felt so relieved that the cat was out of the bag.

I’m not sure when Arie left but he was gone when I finally remembered him. Josh and I sat down and I told him everything. I told him why I had pushed him away. I told him that I wanted him to live out his dream. I told him that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I told him that I was so sorry that I hurt him.

He said he accepted the apology but he said I should have let him make the decision on how to handle things. He also said, “if we’re going to be together we can’t keep secrets or push each other away.” I agreed with him. I was just so happy, and so relieved that he was there, and that he was saying the words, “we’re going to be together…”

I feel like I can breathe again. I can finally breathe again, and focus on why I'm here.

Josh went out with my grandfather a little while ago to help him with some shopping. I just can't believe how much better I feel now.

I have been frantically trying to get a hold of Josh. Molly called me last night and told me that he's been leaving her messages all week demanding to know what is really going on with me. He even called Natalie, and apparently Jason has been asking a lot of questions too. I don't want him to hear from anyone else, but he won't answer his damn phone! Grrrr!!!! I mean, if he really wants to know, you'd think he'd answer his phone!

I think I've been really stupid about this whole thing. I was trying to be noble. I wanted what was best for him, but I'm afraid now that once he knows the truth he will hate me forever.

A few weeks ago Natalie mentioned in her blog that Josh sang the song "Trying To Stop Your Leaving" at his going away party. I didn't want to hear it at the time, but I finally bought it from iTunes and now I feel even worse because I know that I hurt him. And the line, "But you don't love me, no you don't love me anymore" just breaks my heart. All of this heartache is BECAUSE I love him.

The thing is that I came here to be with my father and take care of him, and I feel like I'm doing a horrible job because I'm constantly obsessing over my broken heart. I go through the motions here but my heart and my head are with Josh all the time. I can't even do what I came here for. Last night I cried for over an hour to the nighttime nurse. She was so kind about it, but I felt really bad. She's here to take care of my father - not me!

I just wish I could get a hold of Josh so that I could come clean about what's going on.

I got back to Florida on Sunday afternoon. I'm feeling more down than ever. I think seeing Josh again made things worse. Now I miss him even more. I actually looked for him on Sunday before I left. I wanted to tell him everything but I couldn't find him.

Aunt Lu says that "there is no honor in deceit." She obviously thinks I need to tell him. I just wish I could have told him in person on Sunday. It would be so much easier than over the phone. I just want to see his face and look into his eyes when I tell him. I know he's going to be mad, but I also know he'll understand if I say it the right way. Unfortunately, it's hard to gauge whether I'm saying it the right way if I can't see his face.

I was supposed to stay home and rest last night but Molly invited me to go out to dinner and I knew Josh would be there too. I couldn’t stay away. The hug had been the first taste of forbidden fruit…his warmth, his scent…I felt like just that quick encounter had given me a burst of energy and I needed that.

Unfortunately it wasn’t the best idea…

We got to dinner and my appetite was the same – as in, no appetite at all. I could barely eat and everyone was paying attention to how much I ate, which only made things worse. Molly and Natalie kept trying to give me appetizers and dessert and I just couldn’t eat them. I overheard Jason whisper to Natalie, “she doesn’t look good.” Josh was at the other end of the table and he seemed annoyed with me so there wasn’t any interaction.

After dinner we went to the bowling alley. I got my shoes and was waiting for everyone else. Josh walked over and asked me if I was okay. I told him that I was and asked why he was asking. He said (and this will sound bad but he said it kindly) that I look tired and emaciated. I lied and told him that my ballet teacher told me to lose weight and I took it a little too far. Probably not a good lie because he looked horrified. Luckily I managed to get away from him then.

The rest of the night was agonizing. Josh looked disgusted every time he looked at me and my energy was completely zapped. Molly kept force feeding me but I felt horrible. I grabbed my cell phone to walk outside and call Aunt Lu to pick me up. I was getting to the top of the stairs where Josh and Jason were standing and I felt an overwhelming sickness wash over me. I looked at Josh and said, “I don’t feel so good,” and then I was out.

I came too with all of my friends standing over me. Josh had grabbed me as I fainted so at least I didn’t hurt myself collapsing, but it was so humiliating. Josh and Jason kept insisting that I go to the emergency room. I kept trying to tell them that this has happened before and I know what’s causing it. It wasn’t helping. I finally convinced them to let me call Aunt Lu and she could decide what to do with me.

She picked me up and took me home. The night was too exhausting and too draining for me. I just couldn’t take it.

When we got home I saw that another car pulled up behind us. It was Josh. He asked if he could speak to me for a moment. Aunt Lu went inside and I looked at Josh and wished that things were different.

He asked what is going on with me. I couldn’t tell him that it’s caregiver burnout so I told him it was exhaustion…which is true - definitely more true than the lie about losing weight for my ballet teacher. He said, “So you’re not purposely trying to starve yourself?” I assured him that my weight loss was not due to conscious effort and I apologized for lying.

I explained that I was staying with Aunt Lu this weekend because the doctor told me that I need to rest. He asked me why I went out if I was supposed to be resting. I looked up at him trying to decide what to say and realized I could only tell the truth so I looked him in the eye and said, “Because I wanted to see you.”

I saw the disgust and anger in his eyes melt away. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so badly. It was the perfect time. And I could see that he wanted to know, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lay all of that on him. It wouldn’t be fair and it wouldn’t be right. He needs to be in Nashville. I need to be in Florida. That’s the way it is and that’s the way it will stay.

My heart is beating a million beats per minute as I type this. I have been set up! My friends and family have all set me up! I can't believe it. I don't know whether I should be angry or grateful. I just know that they set me up.

I decided to take a walk this morning. I figured that the crisp fall morning air would do me some good. My mom upset me last night over dinner so I wanted to clear my head. When I got home I noticed that the Andersons are preparing to move out of their house. I saw Mr. Anderson loading some boxes into a van.

I didn't think anything of it. I spent the morning with Aunt Lu. We ran some errands and then had a quick lunch in town. When we got home I saw Mrs. Anderson and stopped to say hello to her. I could tell she was thinking I look too thin but she didn't say anything. So I was standing there talking to her for only a few seconds when it happened - Josh walked out of the house!

I didn't have time to be surprised or worried to see him. I didn't even question why he was there. I was just so overcome with emotion when I saw him. It was like my ability to think just disappeared. I just ran to him, practically flung myself into his arms and said, “Oh, Thank God!” I just kept thinking that all of my prayers to see him again were being answered. I forgot that he probably hates me. He seemed to forget that too because – although he seemed to resist for a second – I felt him soften and wrap his arms around me too.

I realize now why everyone insisted that I come home this weekend. They knew Josh would be here too and they wanted a reunion. I know everyone is trying to help me. They want Josh to know, but I have to keep him in the dark. I have to do this one unselfish thing for him so that he can live the life he deserves. That’s why when he pulled away and asked me if I was okay, I lied and told him that I was fine. I'm not sure if he believed me but he didn't press. In fact, the softness that was there when we hugged seemed to disappear and he became guarded again. Oh, but those few seconds that I was in his arms where the best seconds I've had in over a month, and that's all I have to hold on to right now.

I'm in New Jersey at Nat's townhouse. I came here last night instead of going to Aunt Lu's. Molly is going to drive me over there later this afternoon. I just wanted a night to catch up with my friends. Plus, I wanted to avoid running into the Andersons.

I ate a huge dinner last night. Molly actually gasped when she saw me (Molly isn't always the most tactful person in the world) which made me realize that I really have lost a lot of weight is a very short amount of time. I don't want to be passing out or losing weight so I'm going to make an effort to eat as much as I can. Hopefully my stomach will start cooperating.

Aunt Lu wants me to rest up this weekend and enjoy a few days away from the drama in Florida. It's hard though...I feel so guilty leaving. I feel like I should be down there, trying to spend every second with my father that I can. Our relationship is finally good. For the first time in years I want to spend time with him, and now that I know he won't be around long, I feel like I should get in every second that I can. I don't know how I can be expected to relax when I know time is ticking away.

Natalie and I are going out for coffee before I head home. I think she's just trying to get me to Starbucks because she knows I can't resist their espresso brownies. I don't care. We stayed up half the night talking and I still feel like I have hours and hours of things to say. Luckily, it wasn't all depressing talk. I told her about Patrick's visit, how Arie is constantly stopping by to see me and my class. She told me how she and her cute co-worker have been hanging out more, so it was a good time.

That's all for now. -- NB