I was on the verge of a break down yesterday afternoon when Arie called. He said he was on his way over so I tried to hold it together. It’s just been so much harder since I saw Josh, and I hadn't heard back from him and was frantic.

Arie came over late afternoon. He looked at me nervously and told me that I was either going to hate him or love him. I remember just looking at him and wondering what on earth he was talking about. Then Josh stepped into view and it all started to make sense.

I thought, “he’s got to be so mad,” but he pulled me into his arms and I started to cry. I still thought he was angry but he said, “Sweetheart…Honey, why didn’t you tell me? How could you not tell me?” He sounded frantic but the way he said, “Sweetheart…Honey…” it just made me realize that the distance and strain of the week before were gone. I told him that I was sorry…so very sorry.

He pulled away from me then. His hands were on my face and he was looking me straight in the eye and he said, “I thought it was you. I thought it was you that was sick, Nicole. God, don’t ever do that to me again!” I swear my heart broke into a million pieces. He told me that he’d been frantic all week and then finally he broke down and called Aunt Lu and she told him what was really going on. I guess it was only a matter of time before someone told him, and I felt so relieved that the cat was out of the bag.

I’m not sure when Arie left but he was gone when I finally remembered him. Josh and I sat down and I told him everything. I told him why I had pushed him away. I told him that I wanted him to live out his dream. I told him that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I told him that I was so sorry that I hurt him.

He said he accepted the apology but he said I should have let him make the decision on how to handle things. He also said, “if we’re going to be together we can’t keep secrets or push each other away.” I agreed with him. I was just so happy, and so relieved that he was there, and that he was saying the words, “we’re going to be together…”

I feel like I can breathe again. I can finally breathe again, and focus on why I'm here.

Josh went out with my grandfather a little while ago to help him with some shopping. I just can't believe how much better I feel now.