I have been frantically trying to get a hold of Josh. Molly called me last night and told me that he's been leaving her messages all week demanding to know what is really going on with me. He even called Natalie, and apparently Jason has been asking a lot of questions too. I don't want him to hear from anyone else, but he won't answer his damn phone! Grrrr!!!! I mean, if he really wants to know, you'd think he'd answer his phone!

I think I've been really stupid about this whole thing. I was trying to be noble. I wanted what was best for him, but I'm afraid now that once he knows the truth he will hate me forever.

A few weeks ago Natalie mentioned in her blog that Josh sang the song "Trying To Stop Your Leaving" at his going away party. I didn't want to hear it at the time, but I finally bought it from iTunes and now I feel even worse because I know that I hurt him. And the line, "But you don't love me, no you don't love me anymore" just breaks my heart. All of this heartache is BECAUSE I love him.

The thing is that I came here to be with my father and take care of him, and I feel like I'm doing a horrible job because I'm constantly obsessing over my broken heart. I go through the motions here but my heart and my head are with Josh all the time. I can't even do what I came here for. Last night I cried for over an hour to the nighttime nurse. She was so kind about it, but I felt really bad. She's here to take care of my father - not me!

I just wish I could get a hold of Josh so that I could come clean about what's going on.