I was supposed to stay home and rest last night but Molly invited me to go out to dinner and I knew Josh would be there too. I couldn’t stay away. The hug had been the first taste of forbidden fruit…his warmth, his scent…I felt like just that quick encounter had given me a burst of energy and I needed that.

Unfortunately it wasn’t the best idea…

We got to dinner and my appetite was the same – as in, no appetite at all. I could barely eat and everyone was paying attention to how much I ate, which only made things worse. Molly and Natalie kept trying to give me appetizers and dessert and I just couldn’t eat them. I overheard Jason whisper to Natalie, “she doesn’t look good.” Josh was at the other end of the table and he seemed annoyed with me so there wasn’t any interaction.

After dinner we went to the bowling alley. I got my shoes and was waiting for everyone else. Josh walked over and asked me if I was okay. I told him that I was and asked why he was asking. He said (and this will sound bad but he said it kindly) that I look tired and emaciated. I lied and told him that my ballet teacher told me to lose weight and I took it a little too far. Probably not a good lie because he looked horrified. Luckily I managed to get away from him then.

The rest of the night was agonizing. Josh looked disgusted every time he looked at me and my energy was completely zapped. Molly kept force feeding me but I felt horrible. I grabbed my cell phone to walk outside and call Aunt Lu to pick me up. I was getting to the top of the stairs where Josh and Jason were standing and I felt an overwhelming sickness wash over me. I looked at Josh and said, “I don’t feel so good,” and then I was out.

I came too with all of my friends standing over me. Josh had grabbed me as I fainted so at least I didn’t hurt myself collapsing, but it was so humiliating. Josh and Jason kept insisting that I go to the emergency room. I kept trying to tell them that this has happened before and I know what’s causing it. It wasn’t helping. I finally convinced them to let me call Aunt Lu and she could decide what to do with me.

She picked me up and took me home. The night was too exhausting and too draining for me. I just couldn’t take it.

When we got home I saw that another car pulled up behind us. It was Josh. He asked if he could speak to me for a moment. Aunt Lu went inside and I looked at Josh and wished that things were different.

He asked what is going on with me. I couldn’t tell him that it’s caregiver burnout so I told him it was exhaustion…which is true - definitely more true than the lie about losing weight for my ballet teacher. He said, “So you’re not purposely trying to starve yourself?” I assured him that my weight loss was not due to conscious effort and I apologized for lying.

I explained that I was staying with Aunt Lu this weekend because the doctor told me that I need to rest. He asked me why I went out if I was supposed to be resting. I looked up at him trying to decide what to say and realized I could only tell the truth so I looked him in the eye and said, “Because I wanted to see you.”

I saw the disgust and anger in his eyes melt away. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so badly. It was the perfect time. And I could see that he wanted to know, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lay all of that on him. It wouldn’t be fair and it wouldn’t be right. He needs to be in Nashville. I need to be in Florida. That’s the way it is and that’s the way it will stay.