I went to Angelo's last night to listen to Josh play piano. I thought about dragging one of my friends along, but I wanted to be by myself. I just wanted to be able to sit there and enjoy the music without having to talk to anyone. He had a good set...he did some of the old songs he always does but he added a few new ones. He sang Michael Buble's "Home" and "You and I." Both of them pulled at my heart. There is something magical about him sitting down at that piano and singing a song.

After his set he said a quick "hello" to some of the regulars and then came over to sit with me. He asked what I wanted for dessert and I thought to myself, "You." Luckily I didn't say it out loud...thank God...totally something I would normally do! Of course the minute I thought it I blushed and he noticed. He asked what I was thinking and I said, "cheesecake." He shook his head and said, "I know you better than that, Nicole Bradford, and I'm pretty sure I'd be happy with whatever you were just thinking." I just smiled at him and said, "Too bad you'll never know." The waitress came over then and took our order for two slices of cheesecake.

After she left Josh turned back to me and said, "So that's how it's going to be?" I looked at him and told him that that's how it's going to be until I find out exactly what he's been doing the past few weeks...inviting me on dates when he knows we can't be together. He said, "what if we can?" I shook my head and started in on the whole no long distance relationship thing but he cut me off. He explained that he's been working on getting moved to New York. That's why he's been up there the past two days. He said nothing is happening yet but he thinks it will happen soon and if I can be patient he's sure he'll be home in the next few months.

I asked him why he didn't just tell me all of this. He said he's been trying to but there's always people around...first my mother, then a house full of people. He asked me if I'd think about it. Well, of course I'll think about it. I want to be with him...I'm just worried about how long it will be until he does come home. What if I say yes to this and it turns out he can't move back? What if he gets a better offer in LA? What if moving to New York kills his career? Will I be able to live with myself knowing that I'm the reason he moved back?

But oh how badly I want to be with him. He's the man I dreamed about as a little girl. He's everything I've always wanted. He's the sweetest, sexiest man I've ever know. He treats me with kindness and respect. He's one of the brightest lights in my life. There is nothing I want more than to be with Josh Anderson...but not if it's going to cost him. That's what I struggle with. I don't want to hold him back from his dreams.

I got home last night to find a small party going on. Molly, Tim, Natalie, Jason, Amanda and a few friends from school were all hanging out...including Bill which kind of annoyed me. Well, the whole thing annoyed me because I was expecting Josh and I wanted to talk to him not party with a bunch of people.

He arrived around 8:00 and looked pretty surprised to see all the people in the house. Dancing With The Stars was blaring on the TV. The girls were trying to watch it, the guys were making fun of it and I was just plain annoyed. Josh sat down and started to talk to Jason. Bill was checking out Josh, obviously aware of who he is and then went over and started talking to him. I could tell it wasn't going well. Josh looked kind of annoyed and I heard him say, "that's funny...I haven't heard of you at all." Then he shot me a look. I knew Bill was goading him but I have no idea what he was saying. He's been such a little sour puss since I turned down his proposal for a date. He had a window of time where I would have said "yes" but he blew it by acting like a jerk. I don't like being blown off. I don't need it or want it and I'm over it. He's too late.

Bill didn't stick around much longer after that and he didn't show up for our lab today. Lucky for me it was a quick lab and we got out early. I was glad he wasn't there.

But anyway, back to last night...after Bill left I was still annoyed. Josh was talking to Jason and things were not going as I had hoped. I went down to my room, turned on DWTS and went online to see what people were saying about the show. Jenna (from the dance studio) IM'ed me and asked if I want to go out with her and some of the dancers Wednesday night. We were IM'ing back and forth when Josh came down.

He asked me what was up with Bill. I said, "he's just bitter because I turned him down for a date." Josh just said, "Ah..." Then he sat down and we made small talk for a few minutes. He couldn't stick around because he had another meeting in New York today but he asked if I'd stop by Angelo's tonight to hear him play piano. I told him I'd be there and then I walked him out to his car. He gave me a hug and said he was sorry we didn't get to talk. He said, "I'll buy you dessert tomorrow if you stick around after my set." I told him I would and said, "It's a date." I blushed when I realized what I'd said but he just smiled and said, "A date it is." So...I guess it's a date.

Ugh. We're broken up and we're dating. How confusing is that? I'm confused. I kind of feel like he's tricking me into getting back together with him...not that I'm resisting, but I have made it clear that I don't want to do the long distance relationship thing...and yet I keep going on dates with him! It's just that he will look at me a certain way or say my name the way only he says it and all of my will power is out the door. He even gets to me in text messages or emails. Everything thing he says is so perfectly worded. Everything he does is like perfection in my eyes. I'm completely under his spell.

Even after all of these years I still get goose bumps when he touches me. My heart still pounds, my knees get weak, my palms sweat and I fall in love with him all over again. That pretty much sums up my Saturday night with Josh. It wasn't just dinner. That much I know for sure.

He picked me up at Aunt Lu's and took me to what is probably the nicest restaurant in the area. It was obvious that he wanted this to be special and it was. The food and the atmosphere were amazing, but the best part was the company. All day I had been reminding myself to play it cool and that this was just dinner, but once I got there it was obvious that there was no need to play it cool.

Earlier in the week Alex had convinced Josh and I to change our after dinner plans to include a stop at Angelo's to see the Doo Wop guys perform. Neither of us were truly excited about going over there to be on display for the guys' fans to gawk at. I'm sure that's why Alex wanted Josh there...to be seen and to get people excited about the group that has lost it's main attraction.

We snuck in the back and found a table off to the side and amazingly we sat there eating dessert and talking without any interruptions. The guys started singing "I Only Have Eyes For You" and Josh insisted that we dance. I know I'm the Dancing Queen and all, but I really didn't want to go out on the dance floor and be noticed. Still, the song is part of our history and Josh was persistent so I let him drag me out to the dance floor. As soon as he pulled me into his arms I knew this wasn't just dinner. What I feel for him isn't just any ordinary love. There is still heat there and a flame that continues to burn on. He sang along to "you are here and so am I..." and those words seemed to just hang there as we both relished in the fact that that we were both in the same place at the same time.

We didn't stick around much longer after that. We'd done as promised. We'd shown up. The regulars had seen Josh there. He took me home and I invited him in hoping that we could talk but my mother was hanging around and I could tell she wasn't about to let us be. She was talking non-stop to Josh and I know why. She thinks it's a bad idea for us to be spending time together. She wants me to move on. Josh must have come to the same conclusion because he headed home with no chance for us to talk.

I was hoping to see him in church yesterday morning but he hasn't adjusted to East Coast time so he wasn't there. He called later in the afternoon and asked if he could stop by tonight. He's in New York so he'll be passing through on his way home. I'm really anxious to hear what he has to say. What exactly are we doing here? He moved to LA. There really is no future for us, and still, I can't bring myself to let him go. I don't even know how to let him go.

Tonight is my night out with Josh. I've been like a crazy lady all day. I drove down to Philadelphia to pick up my mom at the airport this morning but I could barely focus. I just kept thinking about Josh. I can't wait to see him.

He sent me a text Thursday morning and we spent the whole day texting each other...text flirting. Sigh, I can't wait to see him!

I am ready for this semester to be over. I'm tired of school work. Thank God next week is Thanksgiving break. I'm ready for a few days of relaxing.

Tim is coming to town tomorrow night. Molly is all excited. I'm happy for her. Happy for me too because a happy, in love Molly is less likely to be a thorn in my side about Josh. I haven't told her yet that I'm seeing him this weekend. I know she doesn't approve. She was hoping I'd hook up with Mark.

I get it. She wants me to be happy and she knows that I'll be miserable as soon as Josh heads back to LA. But I'm going to be smart about this. We're just having dinner. This is just one night. I know he is going back to LA. I'm not fooling myself. It's just a dinner. And why shouldn't I have dinner with him? He's been a major part of my life for the past six years. We deserve a chance to catch up and hang out. It's just dinner.

Molly is all a flutter. Tim is negotiating with a company to start a job here next year. When I say "here" I mean the United States - we still don't know where in the US he'll be... Nevertheless, anywhere in the country will be closer than Australia. Molly is still really hung up on him. I hope it works out for her. I hope he gets a job in New Jersey! :)

So speaking of long lost loves...mine is returning to town this weekend and I'm confused. We're supposed to be getting over each other, but we're going on a date. Why did I agree to this? It just prolongs the inevitable. Nat suggested I cancel, but I can't. I want to see him. I want to go on a date. I just don't want him to go back to California after our date, and that's the problem. Ugh...!!!

I talked to Josh last night. It was late when he finally called me back, but I was so excited about my internship that I couldn't sleep anyway. On top of the internship, JD called last night and asked if I'd take classes with him up in New York next semester. I'm really excited about it. Some r-e-a-l-l-y good dancers train at this particular studio.

So anyway, when Josh called I was wide awake and really excited. He apologized for calling late, but I told him I was having the best day ever and I was wide awake. He was really happy for me when I filled him in on what was going on. Then I remembered that he needed to talk to me. I asked him what was going on.

He told me that he'll be back next weekend and he wants to take me out. We're supposed to be staying away from each other (admittedly without success), but this is just blatantly going against our agreement. Still, I found myself saying "YES" to his invitation. I just can't stay away from him, and life keeps throwing us together so I decided not to fight it. Dinner next weekend is on.

I got a call voicemail from Josh this morning. He said, "I know we're not supposed to talk, but I need to talk to you. Call me." So I called him back but he hasn't gotten back to me yet! I've been wondering all day what he was calling about.

Today has been good though. I met with my academic adviser this morning. I was telling him that I'm not thrilled with my classes. We started talking about the dance studio and he said that I could work there full time in the spring for 12 intern credits! I'm so excited. I'm going to do that and one night class and that will be my last semester. I'm sooooo glad I had that meeting. I just need Mona to act as my supervisor, which she's agreed to do and I'm all set.

Just waiting for Josh to call me back now. I wish he'd hurry up. I need to know what we need to talk about!

I have an inbox of emails from Lauren begging for forgiveness. I don't know what to do with her. It's not like she told a little white lie. She told a huge lie that hit too close to home, and she did it to manipulate me. I know that I'll forgive her, but I kind of need space right now. I just can't deal with her.

I got an email from Josh on Monday. It said, "I know I'm breaking the rules. Just wanted you to know I got back safe. Are you doing ok?" I wrote back that I'm doing all right. That was the extent of it. I guess we're back to our old arrangement. I hate that things have to be this way. I just know that for my own good I have to find a way to move on.

I talked to Dan about the kiss. He apologized for springing it on me out of the blue. I told him that I'm still hung up on my ex and not ready to date anyone yet. He seemed to accept that.

Then Bill asked me out yesterday as we were leaving our lab. Figures that he waits until now to ask me out. I told him the same thing. I'm still hung up on my ex. After going out with Josh on Saturday, I know that the little crush on Bill was just that...LITTLE. And what I feel for Josh is, (sigh) HUGE. AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Damn that Lauren for doing this to me! Josh is all I can think of. I keep thinking of Saturday night and how perfect things were when we were eating dessert at the bar. We were smiling and laughing. It was the kind of date that was so perfect that you know the guy is a keeper. And then I realize I can't keep him.

So the whole thing was a big scheme cooked up by Lauren to try to get Josh and I back together. Unbelievable!

So on Friday Josh called Alex because he thought Lauren needed to talk to him. Lauren completely freaked out and went nuts. Josh and I thought it was really strange but we didn't know what she was making this whole story up. So Alex came down that night and he was really confused. Josh told him that he needs to talk to Lauren.

Meanwhile, Josh offered to take me out to a nice restaurant for dinner. I jumped on the idea because it meant that I got a nice meal and some time with Josh. We went into Princeton to a place that Mr. and Mrs. Anderson like but there were no tables. We ended up walking around trying to find a place to eat. We eventually gave up and headed to a diner...what else? I had a nice time talking to him, but he felt bad about promising me a meal at a nice restaurant so we agreed to go back to the restaurant for dessert at the bar.

As we were walking to the restaurant I mentioned that I wanted to try a glass of wine to see how I handle it. He took my car keys and agreed to make sure that I wouldn't make a crazy, tipsy fool of myself. We went in and ate, drank, laughed, and flirted...at lot. It was the best date I've had in a long time...figures that it would be with Josh. Why can't I have a great date with anyone else?

When we got back to the townhouse we were walking towards the door when Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. He said he had had a great time. I told me that I did too. We stared at each other for a minute and then he said, "I've missed you so much." The way he said it, and the way he was looking at me had me melting like a lovesick fool. I told him that I missed him too and he pulled me close and kissed me.

The front door opened and Alex was standing there looking very uneasy. Lauren was behind him smiling and she said, "See?" Alex gave her a look and said her name in a stern voice. Josh and I realized something was up. We went inside and Lauren started to tell us that she's not really pregnant and at first we thought she had made a mistake, but Alex forced the issue and soon it became clear that she had made everything up.

I could see the muscles in Josh's jaw twitching as he tried to keep it together. I have never seen him look so angry before. Understandably so! He flew across the country to comfort and support her and she was making the entire thing up. She said she was doing it because she wants us to be together and since we weren't talking she had to come up with some plan to get him to fly home. I don't understand why it's so important to her that we're together.

Josh was just all around mad. He flew across the county, he felt lied to, he and I shared my pregnancy scare to make her feel better and she used it, she manipulated us, and she kind of set me back on my quest to get over Josh. I couldn't even deal with her. I just walked into the kitchen and stood there while Josh continued to let her have it in the living room. Alex finally decided enough was enough and took Lauren back to Jason's.

Josh found me in the kitchen and asked how I was. I told him I was in a state of disbelief. It was just so weird. I would never have believed Lauren could do something so deceitful. We stood there in silence for a minute trying to take it all in. Then he said, "I'm sorry she tricked you into seeing me when you didn't want to." I told him that it wasn't his fault and that seeing him wasn't the worst thing in the world.

Somehow I ended up in his arms. I looked up at him and said, "This is exactly what she wanted." He shook his head and said, "This isn't about her. It's about the fact that I still love you so much." He kissed me again and we completely forgot about Lauren.

The next morning Lauren apologized again. Josh hugged her, told her he loves her but he's still furious with her. She seemed to accept that. Alex took her back to Connecticut. I drove Josh over to his parent's house in Pennsylvania. They were so thrilled to see him. He didn't tell them about Lauren's little stunt. He told them he flew home to see me and they didn't question it. We ate lunch with them and spent the afternoon there.

I was tired so Josh drove us back to Jersey. I was quiet and he asked if I was okay. I was thinking how easy it was for the Andersons to say good-bye to him. I realized it was because they knew they'd see him again soon. I told him this and he said, "You could see me again soon too. We could try to do the long distance thing." I sat there thinking about it but I knew we can't do it. He's busy with work. He'd be working late and lose track of time but I'd be sitting at home waiting for his call and wondering what he was doing and who he was with. We'd plan a weekend together but he'd get stuck working on a project and have to cancel and I'd be crushed. The reasons we didn't try the long distance thing the first time haven't changed. We rode the rest of the way home in silence.

We agreed that we wouldn't be sad. We enjoyed the rest of our weekend but we also understood that we were past our expiration date. I took him to the airport yesterday. I smiled, told him I love him and kissed him good-bye. He asked if we were going back to our previous arrangement (us not talking for awhile). I told him it had to be that way for now. I can't get over him when he's around. It is just too hard.

So that's everything in the condensed version...and even that was long. I'm mad at Lauren for putting me through all of this again, but it does help a little to know that he still loves me as much as I love him. Still, I feel set back a bit. I caught a whiff of his scent on my jacket this morning and I closed my eyes to take it in...just not a good thing when I'm trying to get over him.

Lauren and I picked Josh up last night at the airport. I was nervous...real nervous, but that didn't change the fact that my heart went wild the minute I spotted him. It amazes me that he can stir such an intense reaction in me...and it's just the sight of him.

I guess that's why I was so disappointed when I got home an hour ago to find out that Josh and Lauren had gone out with Jason. I rushed home from school to see them and they're not even here. I thought about trying to take a nap but I know I can't sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. I was too worked up. My heart felt full and alive.

Last night was intense. After we left the airport we stopped at a diner for dinner. Josh and I have a running joke about Jersey being the diner state so it seemed appropriate. Lauren didn't seem right. I don't know. I can't pinpoint it, but considering what she's going through I didn't expect her to seem so upbeat.

After dinner I took them back to my place. Jason is in medical school so we knew he wouldn't be home until late. No one was home at my place either so it gave Josh a chance to talk to Lauren. We were trying to convince her that she needs to tell Alex. She kept refusing to call him. Josh looked very stressed...probably because I didn't call him when I had my pregnancy scare. Of course, I'm not pregnant, and if I were I would most definitely have called him - which I told him later when we had some time alone.

We even told her about my scare so that she would know that we understood how she was feeling. She said it wasn't the same, and that Josh is out of college and I'm almost out of college and he makes good money, blah, blah, blah, it would have ended happily ever after...Josh and I just looked at each other at that point. I would have given everything I own to know what he was thinking. We didn't really get anywhere with her.

Natalie and Amanda got home and looked pretty surprised to see Josh in our living room. I have to admit that I'm happy Molly is on a leadership retreat this weekend, because I didn't want to explain this to her. Finally, Jason showed up and that was the end of the evening. Well, except that Josh stuck around for a minute to apologize for Lauren dragging me into this. He said he hoped that his presence wasn't too much of a problem for me. I felt really bad and assured him that I was fine and I wanted to help Lauren all that I can. I reached out and squeezed his arm and he smiled at me, but he looked weary. I hope he's doing alright.

I wish they'd get back to that I can talk to them. I need to occupy myself somehow. I have tons of errands to run but I don't want to leave in case they return. What to do? What to do?

It turns out Lauren is going through the same thing that I went through a few weeks ago...except her test results were positive. She's freaked out. Alex doesn't know and her parents don't know. Josh is flying in so that he can help her break the news to her parents.

She stayed with me last night, but she and Josh will be staying at Jason's tonight. Josh's flight is getting in around dinner time so I'm going to take Lauren up to Newark to pick him up. She was lucky that he had a long weekend and was able to come home.

Right now Lauren's asleep. I've canceled my plans for the day. I figured I'll just try to keep her mind off of things. I might take her to Point Pleasant for lunch. The ocean and the salt air might do her some good.

Going to pick up Lauren at the train station. Josh is flying in tomorrow to see her. Something big is going on...still don't know what.

Natalie and I had a good time in Boston. We got there Friday night. Mark met us outside to help us get out things inside and it was really great to see him. I'm so used to seeing him in competition mode and was happy to see him looking so relaxed. I wish I could have said the same for myself. For some reason I was really nervous.

We went on a haunted hayride that some of his friends had organized. I was a nervous wreck. I kept wringing my hands. He noticed and finally grabbed my hands and asked if I was okay. I told him that I was nervous about someone jumping out at me, but I think I was really nervous about being there with him, even though he gave me no reason to be.

After the hayride we had dinner and Natalie really hit it off with one of Mark's roommates. We had a nice time but I was still really nervous.

By Saturday my nerves had calmed. Mark wasn't making any moves on me so maybe that helped. It's weird. I find him incredibly attractive, but I didn't want anything to happen. I guess it's because I know that my heart is still healing and if Mark were to be more than a friend I want my heart to be ready for him.

We spent Saturday morning touring Boston and then we headed to Salem. We had fun but the weather was a drag so we didn't get to stay out as long as we had hoped. Still, I'm glad we got to go. Salem is truly a cool place to be on Halloween.

On Sunday we headed for home. I got a weird voicemail from Lauren. I tried calling her back but didn't hear from her until today. She left me another message a little while ago telling me that she's coming down tonight. I'm not sure what's going on, but I wish she would call me back! All of these dramatic voicemails are getting to me.

Well, that's all for now!