I have an inbox of emails from Lauren begging for forgiveness. I don't know what to do with her. It's not like she told a little white lie. She told a huge lie that hit too close to home, and she did it to manipulate me. I know that I'll forgive her, but I kind of need space right now. I just can't deal with her.

I got an email from Josh on Monday. It said, "I know I'm breaking the rules. Just wanted you to know I got back safe. Are you doing ok?" I wrote back that I'm doing all right. That was the extent of it. I guess we're back to our old arrangement. I hate that things have to be this way. I just know that for my own good I have to find a way to move on.

I talked to Dan about the kiss. He apologized for springing it on me out of the blue. I told him that I'm still hung up on my ex and not ready to date anyone yet. He seemed to accept that.

Then Bill asked me out yesterday as we were leaving our lab. Figures that he waits until now to ask me out. I told him the same thing. I'm still hung up on my ex. After going out with Josh on Saturday, I know that the little crush on Bill was just that...LITTLE. And what I feel for Josh is, (sigh) HUGE. AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Damn that Lauren for doing this to me! Josh is all I can think of. I keep thinking of Saturday night and how perfect things were when we were eating dessert at the bar. We were smiling and laughing. It was the kind of date that was so perfect that you know the guy is a keeper. And then I realize I can't keep him.