I found out from Lauren last night that the girl Josh is seeing is Amber. In case you don't know, or don't remember, Amber is Keith's friend who moved to LA and was leaning on Josh to show her around. It appears that Amber has moved back to New York. You know, I knew that girl was after him. I could just sense that she was into him. I felt like she was sizing me up when we met...trying to determine if she could steal my man.

Lauren hates her. She calls her "Cut Throat Bitch" because there was a character on House named Amber that had that nickname. Lauren said she's horrible. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

I should just forget about it. Josh is in New York so it's not like I have to see him all the time. I'm better off trying to keep moving on with my life. I'm graduating in a few weeks and the girls have been talking about a road trip. Maybe I should do that...get away and have some fun.

Last night was Lauren's birthday party. I saw Josh right away. He gave me a hug and I thought, "now this is where I belong." Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I'll be spending any time in Josh's arms. We were talking and getting along great and then he said, "I know about Mark." I was about to tell him we broke up. I was saying, "About that..." when he cut me off and told me it was okay and that I didn't owe him any explanation. Then he said, "I just started seeing someone."

AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! I feel so stupid. I totally set myself up for this. It would be just my luck that I'd start thinking about getting back together with him and then he'd start dating someone else. What was I thinking?

I ended up leaving the party early and heading to Nat's. I just couldn't stay over night. I was too annoyed with myself. It was pretty late when I got there so I just crashed. When I got up this morning Molly was the only person around.

I hated having to admit to her what I fool I'd been. She thinks that I should stay as far away from Josh as possible. She told me that I should go find Mark and beg him to take me back. Like that would happen. I don't beg and even if I did, he wouldn't take me back. This is just a disaster.

Just got a call from Lauren. Josh is on a flight home and will be at her party tomorrow night. I'm ready to see him. I can't put it off forever, and I miss him.

For the past week or so I've been dreaming about him at night. I wake up and I miss him so much. Maybe Mark was right when he said we never get over our first loves. I certainly haven't gotten Josh out of my system, and I feel like he'll forever be a part of me. I've wanted to move on, but we've been through so much. Six years of history is hard to ignore. He's been there for some of the best and worst times of my life. I guess it's only natural that I miss him. It doesn't necessarily mean that we should be together, but it does mean that I can't ignore him any longer.

The being together part will have to be determined later. I love him. I'll admit that, but right now there are more questions than answers. I need to figure things out. Why didn't he tell me that he'd be moving to NY? Why didn't he call? What has he been doing all of these months? Does he plan on staying in NY or will work take him back to LA? And what does he feel for me? Natalie says he wants to talk, and Lauren indicated that he was anxious to see me, so why no contact? I guess this will all come in time.

For now, I'll just focus on what's in my control...and that is looking smokin' hot when I see him tomorrow night. :)

Ugh. Things are not going well with Mark. It's over - which is a shame because he was a bright spot in a tough time. It may be for the best. I've been obsessing over whether I'll see Josh this weekend and that's probably a signal that I shouldn't be with Mark. It always comes down to the same thing: Josh. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I still love him. I care about Mark, and I hope with all my heart that he'll let me be a part of his life. But my feelings for Josh run so deep. I can't shake him. I wish I knew how he felt. Why hasn't he contacted me? That's the part I don't understand. I know Nat said something about letters but I never got them. Did they even exist?

I guess I just need to talk to him. I can't truly believe he doesn't want to talk to me. Look at this blog. It's 6 years of him and me - apart or together, he's always been kind. Probably kinder than I've been. I was just so angry when we broke up. I guess I'll have a better idea come Saturday night. Let's just hope he's there.

Lauren called me this weekend. She wants to bury the hatchet so to speak. I told her I'm over it. I don't want to lose her as a friend and it's been a few months now. But I did tell her that she better not ever pull another stunt like that. She agreed. She invited me up to Connecticut for her birthday party this weekend. I'm going to go.

I asked if Josh would be there - just trying to prepare myself. She said he's in LA this week and she's not sure if he'll be home in time. Part of me wants to get it over with and see him, and part of me hopes he doesn't show up.

Things with Mark are not going well. I don't understand it. He just got so weird on me all of a sudden. I'm really not even sure what's going on between us at this point. It's very frustrating.

I just got back from the park. I ran into Mr. Anderson there. We were both there for a run. It wasn't as weird seeing him as I thought it would be. Although we talked about Lauren more than Josh so I'm sure that helped.

I was supposed to go out with Mark last night but he canceled on me because we got into a fight. I'm really annoyed about it. He has been so weird since I told him Josh is back - and Josh isn't really back, he's still in another state and we haven't seen each other. But anyway...I can't believe he just canceled on me. Shouldn't we be talking things out like mature adults? And he hasn't even called me today to talk. I'm so frustrated. I really don't know what to do.

Made it through Easter without any Josh sightings. Maybe he wasn't home for the holiday, although I find it hard to believe that he hasn't come down from New York to see his parents. I'm torn about this because I don't really want to see him. I know that it will stir up all the old feelings, but at the same time I just want to get it over with because I know it's inevitable. There is no way that we won't cross paths and sitting around anticipating it is going to drive me nuts.

I finally told Mark that Josh is back. He asked how I feel about it, and I told him that it doesn't change anything between us. As I predicted, he got all weird on me. He started going on and on about first loves and how we never get over them. I just sat there staring at him during all of this because there was nothing I could say. Josh and I had something special. I'm not going to deny that, but the reality of the situation is that our relationship is over and I am dating Mark now.

Things with Mark have been weird ever since. He has it in his head that our time is limited and we're quickly approaching our expiration date. It's pretty hard to have a relationship with someone when that it their attitude. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to walk away from Mark, but trying to prove myself to him constantly isn't going to work either. I'll go crazy. It's just not a good place to be.

On a brighter note, my final semester is coming to an end and it's been amazing. I have learned so much these past few months. I realize my posting hasn't been as frequent, but I've been busy. I'm learning how to run a business, doing school work and taking high level dance lessons in New York. It's been a whirlwind semester but I'm so glad it's worked out the way that it has. I feel more ready to take on the dance studio in a few months. It's so weird to think about...that I'll own my own dance studio! I guess if my personal life is going to be a mess, it's a good thing that my professional life is coming together in a way that makes me excited to get up in the morning. I am so lucky that I have the opportunity to make a living doing what I love to do.