On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten romantic dances. He created a playlist of songs that have a romantic memories for us. We went down in the dance studio, turned on the mirror ball and colored lights and danced to all ten songs. It was our 2013 do-over, which was a much better Christmas than 2012. We celebrated it by having the mistletoe kiss that he had wanted.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, we had a 2014 do-over and celebrated with 11 snow day activities (the kind you do indoors since there was no real snow outside). That was the year he kept showing up to help me out on snow days, and we had so much fun together. I had finally gotten up the nerve to talk to him about us getting back together but the snow never came again, and that dynamic slipped away once more.

I had devised a plan to lure him into my bedroom, but there was no more snow. I confessed this to him, and he seemed both disappointed to have missed out on it, and completely intrigued. He kept pressing me for details of my plan but I was too embarrassed to tell him. In all honesty, as I look back on it, my plan to seduce him was pretty pathetic and the Universe probably did me a favor by not dropping more snow on us!

I changed the subject by thanking him for the Christmas do-overs, but told him it wasn’t necessary. We went through what we went through to get back here. Truth be told, 2006 was my worst Christmas ever. 2010-2014 weren’t that bad. He agreed that 2006 was not a good Christmas for him either. He asked if we should do that one over. I told him I’d rather just leave it in the past and be grateful for Christmas 2015.

On the sixth day of Christmas, half a dozen roses were delivered to me at the dance studio with a note that said, “Six roses for my true love on the sixth day of Christmas. Let’s plan to meet at 6:00 for a quick dinner before the party tonight. Love, Josh.”

The party was Angelo’s holiday party. He and Mona are married now (not sure if I ever mentioned that). They have a spectacular house and the party was hosted there. They have it there every year. I’ve been invited every year but kind of avoided it because of Josh. I actually went two years ago with Josh (as friends) but other than that I’ve declined. It was nice to finally get there with Josh as more than friends.

We were slow dancing at one point and he confessed that he had seriously thought about trying to get me under the mistletoe two years ago. I said, “maybe we should get under it now.” He smiled at me, took my hand and walked me over to the mistletoe and gave me a sweet kiss.

The seventh day of Christmas was different from the other days so far. Josh came over after lunch and announced that for the seventh day of Christmas, we were going to celebrate the Christmas we didn’t have in 2010. He handed me seven letters and said, that they were seven letters that he wrote that year but never sent. He told me after I never responded to any of his letters, he stopped sending them. He wrote them because he felt like he needed to write some stuff out. He wasn’t sure why he kept them until recently, when he decided he was going to give them to me.

Reading them was tough. I was finally able to see what he went through - thinking that I was ignoring him, and trying to let go of me. My heart broke reading them, but it also healed as I learned what was really going on. He said he wanted a 2010 do over, so we went out and pretended it was 2010 (he created a playlist of songs popular in 2010) and we had dinner and walked through town.

The eighth day of Christmas was the day we planned to go to NYC for the day. We took the train up and had a long and exhausting day. When we got home, he gave me a list. He said we were redoing Christmas 2011. That was the year that he had his appendix out and I confessed to him about the pictures in my head of our future together. I thought he was unconscious for my little confession, but I recently found out he had heard all of it.

His list was the 8 pictures in his head of our future: me in a white dress and him in a tuxedo, us standing in front of a house, an ultrasound picture, a second ultrasound picture, us and the kids at Disney World, just the two of us in Paris, the kids’ weddings, and the birth of grandchildren. He said, “you’re by my side in everyone.”

The Ninth Day of Christmas was the day we had a 2012 redo. It was the year that Josh’s dad

got sick. We weren’t together but he leaned on me quite a bit for several weeks that year. I actually thought we might get back together at one point but he was so focused on his family that it didn’t happen. He actually moved home with his parents for the second half of that year.

Christmas in 2012 was kind of depressing. It just had a sad feeling about it. My life was okay, but it was hard to watch the Andersons going through such a difficult time. Things were so uncertain for them, and I had lost a parent so I knew how scared Josh and Lauren were feeling. Now, you’ve probably figured out that Mr. Anderson is okay, but at the time we didn’t know what was going to happen.

There was no big Christmas Eve party at the Anderson’s house that year. There wasn’t much celebration at all. It was a tough year.

I could understand why Josh would want a do-over on 2012, but he didn’t want the sadness of that year to cloud our fun now so we watched “Christmas Vacation” for some laughter, and he gave me a note with the nine reasons I’m “his person.”

The fourth day of Christmas was also the night of the Holiday Concert that Josh’s students do each year so I knew there would be no prolonged romantic moments between us, but I did get an order of 4 large chocolate covered strawberries sent to me at the dance studio.

That night I went to the concert. It was the first time I’ve ever seen Josh’s students perform. It was really cool to watch. It doesn’t feel like all that long ago that we were on the high school stage performing, and now he’s the teacher. It kind of makes me feel old!

They had a small reception after the concert. I was talking with his parents when a few of the girls from his class ran over to me. I recognized them from the audience of the dance competition. They were going on and on about how they loved how I danced with “Mr. Anderson,” and they were so sad when I sprained my ankle. One of them asked if I was dating him. Josh walked up right then and cut them off with, “Ladies, I see you’ve met Ms. Bradford.” One of the girls smiled and said, “We love her! We think you should love her and dance with her again!” Josh just smiled at them and said, “I’ll take that under advisement.”

It was kind of nice to have some audience members that were female that seem to adore me and not just Josh. ;)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a delicious 5 course meal. I didn’t know what to expect last night. He sent me a text around lunch time and told me to be at his apartment around 7:00 and to come hungry. I got there at 7:00 sharp and found him in the kitchen preparing a 5 course meal for us! He had also decorated his apartment with little white Christmas lights and had candles lit. It was so pretty and romantic.

We had an appetizer, soup, salad, a chicken dish and dessert - all of it prepared by him, with the exception of the dessert, which he confessed to ordering at the local bakery.

I am just so touched by the amount of thought, time and effort that he’s put into this for me. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel so special before.

I asked him why he was doing all of this. He said, “We promised we’d always be together at Christmas and I broke that promise. I want to make up for the five years that we missed.” I told him he didn’t need to make up for anything and that our five years apart were just as much my doing as his. He said, “I know, but I am making it up for myself as much as I am making it up for you. I really wish we had had those years.” I agreed and told him that I wish had had them too, but I also realize that we needed those years apart to grow up and experience life separately so that we could come together now. I really think that things had to happen in their own time. There have been times over the past five years where I thought maybe we’d be together again, but things never felt right - not like the do now. They feel right now.

I told him that I appreciate all of the gestures, but more than the things themselves, I am grateful for how he’s made me feel. It’s pretty amazing when the person that is so special to you, makes you feel like you are special to them. That is the best Christmas present I could ever have. The gestures themselves are nice, but that feeling is priceless.

The second day of Christmas was equally awesome, even though it was technically the third day. We went for a ride on a two horse drawn carriage. It was so romantic. Josh brought a blanket for us to cuddle under and a thermos filled with hot chocolate.

I’ve been hooked on the Hallmark Christmas movies and I’m starting to feel like I’m living one right now. Since our talk on Saturday, things have been so much better. He’s kissing me again, putting his arms around me and holding my hand. I feel like we’re really together again.

We ended up swapping the 2nd and 3rd days of Christmas. Apparently, the rain put a damper (ha ha, see what I did there?) on the 2nd day of Christmas activity so we are rescheduling that for tonight. Last night we celebrated the 3rd day of Christmas.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 3 hours of doing whatever I wanted. I used them to make him watch a Hallmark Christmas movie with me. We watched the one that came on this past weekend, “On The Twelfth Day of Christmas.” I think Josh actually liked it. He seemed pretty engrossed in it and it was fitting since he’s giving me 12 Days of Christmas.

The movie wasn’t three hours so I wanted to use the rest of my time to start a second movie. I found one on demand, but it wasn’t quite as good. After about twenty minutes in, Josh looked at me and said, “you so want to make out with me right now.” I laughed, “I think you’re bored and you want to make out with me so you’re pretending that I want to make out with you so that you can get the conversation started.” He just shrugged and said, “I was only trying to help you out…” Yeah right! But he kissed me anyway and we did end up kissing through the rest of the movie.

When it was time for him to leave he said, “I enjoyed my evening, but being close to you makes it harder to leave. And to stick with this taking-it-slow thing.” I agreed but told him I would prefer this type of frustration over not getting to be close to him at all.

I had an awesome afternoon yesterday. Josh’s surprise is that he’s doing the 12 Days of Christmas for me! Technically they are supposed to be the 12 days after Christmas but he wanted to lead up to Christmas.

He didn’t get me a partridge in a pear tree, in case you’re wondering. ;)

For the first day of Christmas we had a 1 hour couple’s massage. It was amazing. It was so relaxing, and the best part was that we did it together. I’m not sure if it was our conversation on Saturday or the fact that he was so relaxed, but I was able to convince him to come back to the apartment with me to watch a movie. We cuddled up on the couch together. There was actual physical contact. It was wonderful.

We ordered a pizza and then I told him that I wanted to bake cookies. He accused me of giving him a face to convince him to help. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and asked what face I was giving him. He said, “It’s the same face that got me to drive you across the state of Pennsylvania in February to watch a rodent look for his shadow at five o’clock in the morning.” I smiled at him, “Sounds like a pretty persuasive face.” Then I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the kitchen to make gingerbread cookies.

I was getting the cookies into the oven when the pizza arrived so we had dinner and then I got him to stick around for another movie. I tried to use my persuasive face to get him to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie with me, but he wasn’t giving in so we watched Elf.

I’m excited to see what we’re going to do for the second day of Christmas. He told me to be ready to go out by 5:00. I can’t wait!

I went over to Aunt Lu’s house yesterday to help Josh put up the Christmas lights. Of course Aunt Lu pulled me into the house to help her bake cookies so I wasn’t much help to Josh. She started asking how things were going with him, and I told her that I didn’t know and that I found his actions confusing. I mean, one minute we’re dancing and flirting, and the next minute, he’s giving me a peck on the lips like I’m someone he doesn’t want to be kissing at all! I actually started to get a little emotional and I found myself crying and saying, “I love him so much and I really, really want this to work out.” She gave me a hug and encouraged me to go back outside with him. I made two cups of hot chocolate and went out and sat down on the front porch.

He said he was almost ready for a break and that he’d be down from the roof in a couple minutes. While I was sitting there waiting, I broached the subject of Lauren coming to live with me. I was saying something like, “At some point I think, I mean, I guess you’ll be staying over and I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about Lauren being in the next bedroom.”

He came climbing down the ladder then and said, “I’m really sorry, Nicole.” I immediately freaked out. I jumped up from where I was sitting and said, “Oh my God. You’re breaking up with me.” I started pacing on the porch and he rushed over to me and said, “No! I’m not breaking up with you. I’m not - I’m apologizing to you.” I looked at him and he continued to tell me that he heard my conversation with Aunt Lu. The back window was open and he had heard everything I said.

He told me that we had agreed to take things slowly, so he was trying to honor that. I told him that I can appreciate slow, but I felt like he put the brakes on things. He agreed and said, “I want this to work so badly that I was trying to do everything right, and I ended up doing everything wrong.” I told him that our private dance party the night before wasn’t wrong at all, but I wished he hadn’t run off as soon as it was over. He pulled me into his arms and said, “I’m sorry about that.” He kissed me then - for real.

Then he pulled away and said, “were you asking me if my sister could move in with you?” I smiled at him and he said, “When I imagine myself staying over at your place, I don’t imagine my sister being there.” I smiled at him again and said, “You imagine yourself staying over at my place?” He said, “of course!” I asked him how often he imagines it and he laughed and said, “It might be easier to list the times I’m not thinking about it.”

We ended up deciding that Lauren shouldn’t move into my apartment, but I am still considering letting her have the second apartment.

So Josh is going to be here in a hour with a surprise for me. I have no idea what he’s up to, but he called this morning and told me to be ready by 2:30 to head out for a surprise. I can’t wait to see what it is!

Things have still be a little weird with Josh, he’s been holding back somehow, but last night we had a good time. I was hosting a dance lesson and party at the dance studio. Josh had a holiday party to go to for work so he came by the studio a little late.

I didn’t see him come in and was on the opposite side of the room when “Hungry Eyes” started to play. I glanced at the DJ because the song wasn’t on my list and saw Josh standing there. He gave me a smile and motioned for me to come to him. I gave him a look and he motioned again. I shook my head and smiled. He walked over to me and held out his hand and I teased him by looking away. He pretended to dance by himself and I just started laughing, and then joined him on the dance floor to Rhumba to the song. He kept trying to break frame and put his hands on my waist, and I kept scolding him and trying to get him back on track until I finally gave up and let him pull me in. He pulled me real close, flashed a smile at me and said, “hi.” He is so adorable. I couldn’t help but grin as I said “hi” back.

After the party ended, Josh stuck around to help me clean up, but we ended up dancing for another two hours! We flirted with each other as we danced to Usher’s “Yeah!” (still love that song), I sang to him while we danced a Rhumba to “Hello Stranger” (a song I once sang to him), and he sang to me while we slow danced to “I Only Have Eyes For You” (a song he once sang to me). It was flirty and fun and just what we needed. And when he kissed me, he really kissed me. He didn’t seem like he was holding back at all while we were on the dance floor.

But then we started to get tired. I really didn’t want him to leave, but he promised Aunt Lu that he’d put Christmas light up on her house this morning and so he wanted to get home to bed. He walked me up to my apartment and kissed me goodnight, and suddenly he was reserved again. I just don’t understand it. I want fun, flirty, doesn’t hold back Josh. I don’t understand why he is keeping me at arm’s length.  

Tonight is the night that Josh and I finally get to perform our routine to “Dear Future Husband.” I’m really disappointed that we didn’t get to do it as part of the competition, but at least we get to dance together on stage again.

Things have been a little weird. I feel like he’s keeping me at arm’s length - literally at arm’s length. We see each other a lot and we go out and have fun and laugh, but when it comes to being physically close he holds back. It makes me nervous about where he stands and that maybe he doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I thought he did...but the way he looked at me the night before Thanksgiving and the way he kissed me were so intense and I could feel his feelings for me. I just don’t understand why he is holding back so much. I feel like he touched me more before we started dating again. It’s frustrating. After so much time apart, all I want is to be close to him. I’m trying not to panic or jump to conclusions the way I would have when we were younger. I am trying to be mature about this and see how things play out.

Lauren got a new job and asked if she could rent out my second bedroom. I’m on the fence about it. I haven’t had a roommate since Lindsay moved out a few years ago. Part of me thinks it would be nice to have the company, but she’s Josh’s sister. Would it be too weird for him if he sleeps over and she’s in the next room? Of course, him sleeping over would have to mean he wants to be near me!

I do have a second apartment that’s been empty. I’ve mostly been using it as a space for my instructors to shower and change after their classes. I could offer that to her. It would be nice to have some extra income and it would be nice to not be alone in that building at night. Hmm...this could work!

It’s amazing how opening up the lines of communication can help everything start to come out, and as things come out, healing occurs.

Josh and I have had some really great conversations this week. I finally told him how I got the letters that went missing after he moved back to the East Coast. He wasn’t happy that Molly had kept them from me, but I reminded him that this happened over five years ago and that I didn’t tell him back then because I didn’t want to ruin their friendship.

We also talked about my visit to his hospital room after this surgery. He brought this up. I thought he was unconscious when I poured my heart out to him but apparently he heard everything I said to him that night, he just didn’t know if it was real or a dream. I told him it was real, and he told me that he wished I had said it when he was more coherent. I get it, but that would have required way more courage than I had back then.

I realized as we talked that I had to let him off the hook for everything that happened in the past if we were going to have a future. I had to forgive and let go of all of the old grievances. I told him that I know it wasn’t his fault, that we were young and we both played our parts. I think a part of me always thought that I didn’t deserve him. He said, “You have to take me off the pedestal and let me be your partner.” Good point.

We agreed that we were going to appreciate the past, the laughter, the smiles, the experiences we shared, but this is a new start. We’ve been apart for five years and this is a good opportunity to reset and come together as two adults instead of two lovesick kids.

That said, I do feel lovesick for him. My heart longs for him with more intensity each second we’re together, but we have decided to take things slowly so that we can do it right.

On an unrelated, but still happy note, the doctor gave me the green light to start dancing again! Woo hoo!

Okay, so a little more about my weekend…

After my song was over and Josh and I stopped kissing, I started to feel kind of woozy. All of the anxiety leading up to the song caught up with me, and I had wanted to look good on stage so I wore high heels - big mistake for my poor sprained ankle.

I asked Josh to help me sit down. We walked over to the edge of the stage and we sat down. Lauren ran over and was so excited that I sang. The Andersons also came over and said I did a great job. (Their presence there was part of the reason I had been so nervous...singing a love song to a guy in front of his parents...scary!)

Once I started to feel a little better, Josh and I walked over to my apartment. I sat down on the couch and iced my ankle and we talked. I told him that I’m confused about a lot of things, but I’m not confused about the fact that I love him and want to be with him. He said he felt the same way.

He brought up my accusation about broken promises and not spending Christmases together, and said that he didn’t realize I had wanted that promise to be kept. I told him how hard Christmas has been for me - not that I’ve had miserable Christmases the past five years, but I always find myself missing him and feeling like there is an empty space without him. Christmas was our holiday. We shared our first kiss on Christmas Eve and I’ve missed him so much. I told him that I would listen to Mariah Carey’s song “Miss You Most At Christmas Time” and think of him.

We talked a bit longer and then he headed home, but we made plans for him to join me at Lindsay and Henry’s for Thanksgiving appetizers and then I’d go to his parents’ house later in the evening for dessert.

Thanksgiving was nice and I was so glad to have Josh with me. His family’s house was beautiful and festive as usual. It was nice to be there with them. After dessert Josh took me into the living room and told me that he wanted to play me a song on the piano. He asked me to sit down next to him and he started to play “I Don’t Want to Spend One More Christmas Without You.”

My heart melted. He looked at me as he sang the words, “we will have the best time that we ever knew, if you forgive me and I forgive you.” It was perfect. Every word in that song was perfect. And he winked at me when he sang “whatever we lost when we were apart, we’ll find it all alone in the dark.” I was feeling a little emotional, but I couldn’t help but grin when he did that.

I hate to gloss over the rest of the weekend, but this blog is getting long. We had a nice time. He helped me put up the Christmas tree on Friday and then on Saturday he took me out to a romantic restaurant - the kind where you get dressed up and dine by candlelight.  It’s been one of the best Thanksgiving weekends I’ve ever had.