I had another dream about Josh last night. I hate dreaming about him because I wake up feeling like I was just with him and then it all the sorrow over losing him just comes crashing down on me. I just want to move on.

I bought Katharine McPhee's CD last week. There's a song called "Everywhere I Go." The song isn't exactly me and Josh but there are parts of it that are spot on. I just feel like no matter what I do I can't get him out of my system. I keep telling myself to get over him because it is over. I start to make progress and then I have one of these stupid dreams about him and it just sends me back to this place where I'm sad and heartbroken and completely lost.

To quote Katharine's other song, "wanting you to be wanting me, no that ain't no way to be." It's really not. I need to move on. I can't keep wishing he'd call, or write or come and tell me how much he loves me. It's just not going to happen. It is time for me to move on and get over it.

Jeremy came to see me this weekend. He wants me to give him another chance. He thinks we could be good together. I told him no.

Why couldn't it be Josh coming to see me? Why couldn't he want another chance? Why couldn't he be the one to think we could be good together?

It just tears me up...

I started swimming this week. It's good exercise and it doesn't put pressure on my ankle. I miss dancing like crazy but I'm hoping this will give me another way to burn off some stress. My lifeguard class begins after Spring Break. I hope to be certified by the time I start back up at the swim club this summer. I am going to meet with Henry in March to discuss my job. I want to be the camp director this year. I did all the work last year while Paula sat on her you-know-what. I know that Henry saw that. I just hope he hires me.

So this weekend is shaping up to be uneventful - which is actually quite fine after last weekend. I'm going to dinner tonight with Natalie. She has a crush on the waiter at the Macaroni Grill so we're going there to scope him out. Tomorrow night I'm going out with Molly and Kelly. I have no idea what we're doing, but as long as it doesn't involve Atlantic City, I'll be fine.

Tomorrow I'm planning to catch up on some sleep. Elise is going to Washington D.C. for the weekend. It's part of a program for the semester abroad students. It's cool that they are making sure she gets to see our nation's capital. And it's really great that she won't be around and I can get a normal night of sleep. She's a nice girl, but her hours are killing me! She really needs to be on Eastern Standard Time. I just don't know how much longer I can go on waking up at 3:00 in the morning!

I just got back from my weekend down at the shore. Friday night was fantastic. We ate pizza, watched movies and made sundaes. It was the most fun I've had in ages and I didn't even sit there thinking about all of the times Josh and I hung out at the beach house. I was quite proud of myself.

Saturday...well, not so good. We drove down to Atlantic City. There isn't a whole lot to do there when you're under the age of 21, and we're all too "goody-goody" (Jeremy's words) to even attempt to do anything we're not supposed to do. We went to see Jeremy's friends play. They were pretty intense. Not bad, but not really my cup of tea. Everyone was drinking. Jeremy included, and I was getting annoyed. I hate seeing people act like idiots. I've spent my whole life watching my dad do it, I'm not about to watch a potential date do it.

I convinced Molly, Nat and Mandy that I wanted to leave (not that it took a whole lot of arm twisting). Jeremy wasn't real happy about it and was kind of a jerk.

We left and we were walking down the street when we saw Keith and Laura standing outside. They told me that they were there to see Josh play piano at the restaurant inside. I swear I felt like my whole world was caving in. Just knowing that he was inside that restaurant made my head spin and my knees go weak. Molly wanted to go in and see him but I couldn't. I guess it was that Laura was there. I don't know. I just couldn't see him.

So we left and went back to Long Beach Island. The whole way there I kept thinking about Jeremy and Josh and the whole crazy night. I couldn't believe that Jeremy had been such a jerk, and what are the odds that we'd be walking down the street right past a restaurant that Josh was playing at? I swear sometimes I think the universe is out to get me.

This morning I got a call from Jeremy to apologize for his behavior. I told him - in as nice of a way as I could - that I'm not looking for a project. I don't want to be with a guy who goes out and gets drunk for fun, and I don't want to try to fix someone, or change someone. Besides, I need to be alone right now.

Amanda and I took a walk on the beach after lunch. We talked about Jeremy and how I was no longer going to see him. I know everyone would believe that the drinking would be enough to make me lose interest in him, but it's not really true. I shouldn't be dating him regardless of the drinking because I still love Josh. And I am so completely lost without him right now.

I spent the night tossing and turning. I kept thinking about him and how I had come so close to seeing him. Just being in the same proximity threw me for a lope. I can't imagine what would have happened if I I had actually seen him. I'd probably be a complete basket case.

I'm leaving in 45 minutes for Molly's beach house. I can't wait to get away for the weekend. Molly, Natalie, Amanda and I are going down for a girl's weekend. It will probably be completely dead down there since it's the middle of the winter, but we'll still have fun. We're going to stop and load up on junk food and chic flicks for tonight. Tomorrow night we're going to meet up with Jeremy and his friends in Atlantic City. I'm not sure what we can do down there since none of us are old enough to do the things one does in Atlantic City, but we're supposed to see his friends' band play so that should be fun. Well, that's all for now. I need to do some quick last minute things before we leave.

So Valentine's Day wasn't as horrible as it could have been. After our "Gilmore Girls" marathon, we watched a few episodes from the first season of "Everwood." I'm still upset that that show didn't get picked up for a fifth season. I love Bright and Hannah, and Dr. Abbott. Oh well.

Anyway, a package came for me late in the day. It was a stuffed bear and a box of chocolate (Godiva! So good!). It was from Alex with a little note to let me know that "being single doesn't mean being unloved" and that I was one of his best friends and he hoped this would brighten my day. It was so sweet. I'm lucky to have good friends. Molly and Nat really tried hard yesterday to make sure I wasn't sitting around thinking about you-know-who all day.

This upcoming weekend should be fun. Jeremy invited us to go see his friend's band play in Atlantic City. Nat, Molly and I are going to go stay at her shore house. Amanda is going to come too! I can't wait. We even asked Elise if she'd like to join us but she said she has too much school work to do, and I have to admit that I'm a little relieved.

That's all for now...

Snow day! I had no idea that I would still get snow days in college. How great is that? And to think I spent all those years growing up in Florida and never knowing the joys of a snow day! We've been sitting around all morning watching the sixth season DVD of the "Gilmore Girls." It's so nice to be a bum, to have a free day to do nothing. And, I have to admit, I'm happy that I get to avoid the whole Valentine's Day thing.

Aunt Lu says that time will help lessen the pain. So why am I still sad, two months later? Why am I still thinking about him? Why does my heart long for him all day and all night? I sat in my bio class this morning thinking about Josh instead of concentrating on the lecture. I just sat there wondering what he was doing, where he was, if he was with another girl, or if he was off somewhere feeling as lonely as I was. My mind didn't find it's way back to biology until the very end of class.

I'm looking forward to my trip to Hawaii. It will be good for me to get away. I think a change of scenery will do me good. I was watching the weather channel last night and was so jealous of the 80 degree whether there. I can't wait to walk along Waikiki and be far away from the cold, the snow, and freezing rain.

Things in the dorm are the same. Elise is keeping her crazy hours. I talked to her this afternoon and told her that I think she needs to start getting her body adjusted to our time zone. She said she'd try but I didn't get the feeling that she'd try very hard. Molly offered to switch rooms with me, which I thought was a major sacrifice for her - she's not that fond of Elise - but I don't feel right sticking Molly with her. I'll just continue to try to work it out. I want to give the girl a chance to get acclimated to our country. I know it must be hard on her and I don't want to contribute to her stress. I just wish I could get a normal night's sleep.

I just got an email from Kelly about her birthday party. It's the weekend after Spring Break. I saw Josh's email address on the list too. I'm not sure if I can do it. I don't know if I can go if he's going to be there. I'm so afraid that the little progress I've made towards getting over him will all be shattered the instant I see his face or hear his voice. Why is it so hard for me to get this guy out of my system? Why can't I shake him?

It feels so good to get a few nights of solid sleep. I've really needed that. In fact, I decided to hang out here until tomorrow and luckily Molly is on board with my plan.

The doctor said my sprain appears to be healing well. I told him that I want to exercise, and he suggested swimming. I think it's a good idea. I want to be camp director this summer, and I know Henry really wanted me to get my lifeguard certification. Maybe I could start swimming again and start working towards that. It might help me get the job, and it would help me get exercise and give me something to concentrate on that isn't Josh.

Last night Jeremy called and convinced me to hang out with him. Molly and I went downtown to meet up with him and his friends. We had dinner out and then went to a party at one of their friend's house. Molly and I didn't stay long. There was a lot of drinking going on and I wasn't real comfortable. Besides, I really wanted to get a good night of sleep.

I am so cranky. I haven't slept, my arms hurt from the crutches, my ankle is still soar, and I'm falling behind on my reading because I'm so sleep deprived and distracted. Molly is driving me back to Aunt Lu's tomorrow. I have to go to the doctor for a check up on my ankle and then I'm going to spend the weekend sleeping and studying in the quiet of Aunt Lu's house. Exciting, right?

I'm feeling down right now with Valentine's Day coming up. I just wish I could get over Josh faster. I wish I could move on. I have Jeremy calling and wanting to see me but I can't stop thinking about Josh. Last Friday I had so much fun hanging out with Jeremy but when I got back to the dorm I broke down in tears because he's not Josh. Jeez, you'd think after all this time I'd be able to move on and put it all behind me. Tomorrow will be two months since the break up. Why am I still so hung up on him? I just want to get on with my life!

Well, the good news about Elise being asleep already is that it won't feel so weird crawling into bed in just a few minutes. I am so tired.

So Elise wasn't kidding when she said she hadn't adjusted to the time difference. She was up at the crack of dawn...no actually, she was up hours before the crack of dawn. And her mother called at 5:30 in the morning. Jeez, have some respect for the time zone we live in!!! And last night she was in bed asleep right after dinner. I had to study in the common room while Molly did her aerobics video. I don't know how a person is supposed to live like this. It's not right. I'm exhausted from waking up so early. I couldn't concentrate on my reading last night, which didn't really matter, since I was so overcome with exhaustion today that I wouldn't have been able to put together an intelligent sentence in class anyway. I spent the afternoon napping. Now I should sign off to get some studying done before Elise comes back and needs to sleep. I miss Mandy. :(

My new roommate, Elise, moved in yesterday. She's a French exchange student. She seems okay. She's only been in the US for two weeks now, but she speaks English fluently. The only thing is that she hasn't adapted to Eastern Standard Time. She said she can't get herself on our time zone so she keeps weird hours. She was in bed really early last night and then was up at the crack of dawn this morning.

Molly, Natalie and I invited her to join us for lunch today. Molly was asking her all of these political questions and the conversation got a little heated. They obviously don't see eye-to-eye. I hope that World War Three doesn't start in our dorm suite.

Jeremy came to visit Friday night. We went out to dinner and talked. It was nice. The conversation was good and he had me laughing the whole night. It's been a while since I've laughed that much. We had a really fun night. He called this morning and we talked for a little while. I really like this guy. I just don't feel ready. I wish I were, but I'm not. I guess I just need more time.

In my psych class we were talking about coping mechanisms. Dancing is my coping mechanism. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time right now. My ankle is still a few weeks away from being healed and I can't dance. I have no where to go to work off my frustrations.

I've been working on my piano lessons, but they remind me of Josh. Molly said I should quit, but I want to learn to play. I just need to find away to play the piano without thoughts of Josh constantly creeping in. Even though I was busy last semester, I did manage to make progress with it and I don't want to give up now.

I need to find a new coping mechanism. I need to fill my time with something I feel good about to help me get past this heartache. I want to be closer to "over him" than I am. I want to feel normal again, and not weighed down by this heaviness in my heart. I just don't know how to go about it.

Jeremy is taking the train up from Philadelphia Friday night to go out to dinner with me. He keeps calling and wanting to get together. I told him that it's hard for me to get around with my ankle right now so he said he'd come up here. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's always great to have more friends, but I'm not sure if friendship is what he's looking for and I can't give him more than that. I would hate to lead him on. I just know that my heart is with Josh...and I can't seem to get it back.