I just got back from my weekend down at the shore. Friday night was fantastic. We ate pizza, watched movies and made sundaes. It was the most fun I've had in ages and I didn't even sit there thinking about all of the times Josh and I hung out at the beach house. I was quite proud of myself.

Saturday...well, not so good. We drove down to Atlantic City. There isn't a whole lot to do there when you're under the age of 21, and we're all too "goody-goody" (Jeremy's words) to even attempt to do anything we're not supposed to do. We went to see Jeremy's friends play. They were pretty intense. Not bad, but not really my cup of tea. Everyone was drinking. Jeremy included, and I was getting annoyed. I hate seeing people act like idiots. I've spent my whole life watching my dad do it, I'm not about to watch a potential date do it.

I convinced Molly, Nat and Mandy that I wanted to leave (not that it took a whole lot of arm twisting). Jeremy wasn't real happy about it and was kind of a jerk.

We left and we were walking down the street when we saw Keith and Laura standing outside. They told me that they were there to see Josh play piano at the restaurant inside. I swear I felt like my whole world was caving in. Just knowing that he was inside that restaurant made my head spin and my knees go weak. Molly wanted to go in and see him but I couldn't. I guess it was that Laura was there. I don't know. I just couldn't see him.

So we left and went back to Long Beach Island. The whole way there I kept thinking about Jeremy and Josh and the whole crazy night. I couldn't believe that Jeremy had been such a jerk, and what are the odds that we'd be walking down the street right past a restaurant that Josh was playing at? I swear sometimes I think the universe is out to get me.

This morning I got a call from Jeremy to apologize for his behavior. I told him - in as nice of a way as I could - that I'm not looking for a project. I don't want to be with a guy who goes out and gets drunk for fun, and I don't want to try to fix someone, or change someone. Besides, I need to be alone right now.

Amanda and I took a walk on the beach after lunch. We talked about Jeremy and how I was no longer going to see him. I know everyone would believe that the drinking would be enough to make me lose interest in him, but it's not really true. I shouldn't be dating him regardless of the drinking because I still love Josh. And I am so completely lost without him right now.

I spent the night tossing and turning. I kept thinking about him and how I had come so close to seeing him. Just being in the same proximity threw me for a lope. I can't imagine what would have happened if I I had actually seen him. I'd probably be a complete basket case.