Last night's dinner with Natalie was horrendous. I was ready to kill her. She made me meet her across campus, which I thought was kind of strange. As soon as we walked into the dining hall I realized why we were there. We ran into Jason. Coinicidence? I think not.

I know Natalie has hung out with Jason before but since they hung out in Florida she's had a new interest in him. She won't admit it but she wanted to run into him - and I can understand that, I really can. The problem is that he's Josh's best friend and now he probably thinks I was stalking him to get info on Josh. I'm mortified.

So we all sit down to eat and Natalie and Jason were talking about going to New York and Jason calls Josh while I'm sitting there to ask if we can all visit him on Saturday. I was so annoyed. I wanted Josh to call me. I didn't want Jason to call him for me! The only good thing is that Josh told Jason that he was planning to call me, so I felt a little better. They made tentative plans for Saturday.

Now, I would have been completely ticked at Nat, but Josh did call me later that night. It took the edge off the awkwardness of the whole thing. I just don't want him or Jason to think that I'm using Jason to get close to Josh.

On top of everything else, this little day trip to New York has gotten out of control. Molly wanted to come and then Elise decided she wanted to come. Then Molly invited Amanda. I know that I shouldn't mind them coming along, it's just that I was hoping that the next time I would see Josh there wouldn't be so many people around. How am I supposed to gage things with him with everyone and their brother hanging around us?

And now I'm really nervous about the weekend. I don't know what to expect. I'm so afraid I'll get there and all of his New York friends will be around - including Laura - and I'll be stuck up there and I'll be upset.

Am I over reacting? Maybe I'm over reacting. I should just go and have a good time.

I keep thinking about what I wrote yesterday...about me and Josh and the possibility that he's going to pull out the "can't we be friends?" line on me. And I just don't know how I'll take the blow if that happens. The more I think about him, the more I know I can't just go around pretending that we're not more than friends. I've been in his arms, in his thoughts, and in his heart. And he's in my dreams and prayers. He's a part of me every day, and it's because of all that we've shared. He's my first and only love. It's too powerful of a thing, and I just don't think I can be "just a friend."

I thought I'd spend the week agonizing over when he'd call, but I am almost dreading a call because I don't know what it will lead to. I think it's inevitable that some sort of defining of our relationship is in order. We had so much between us. I don't think we can maneuver our way back into each others' lives without some sort of conversation about where we stand.

I'm meeting Natalie in an hour for dinner on the other side of campus so I should start to get myself together. Maybe I can get her take on all of this. She's not as close to it and maybe she'll see things more clearly.

I got the job!!!!!!! I got the job at the swim club. I am the camp director!!! I'm so excited. Henry called to give me the good news! I just knew this was my year. I proved myself last summer and I know that working towards my lifeguard certification helped too. I'm hoping to have it by the time the semester is over. I've taken the class, now I just have to take the skills and written tests and get my CPR certification. I plan to have it all complete by the time school lets out so I'll be certified by summer and will be able to help out by the pool if I'm needed.

Of course, I don't know how I get anything done with both "American Idol" and "Dancing With The Stars" on at the same time. Really, all this TV is so time consuming. My favorite idols are Melinda, Blake and Haley. I know that Haley doesn't have a "big" voice, but I like the tone and quality of it and I think there's a place for her in the competition. On DWTS, I'm pushing for Joey. I'm an N'SYNC fan from their glory days and I just have to root Joey on. I think Apollo is also really good. And I'm jealous of his 18 year old professional partner, because I would love to be doing what she's doing right now!

I've noticed that since I've started talking to Josh again, that the number of hits to this page has increased. It makes me wonder if he's more interesting than I am... LOL... Unfortunately, there is nothing new to report about Josh. I haven't talked to him since Sunday - not that it's that long ago, but it feels long. I've been thinking about him. A LOT.

I know he wants me in his life again...but in what capacity? A girlfriend? Or just a friend? Because I don't think I can be just a friend. I mean, how do you go from knowing someone like they are part of you, to just kicking back with a cool drink after work? I don't see myself just hanging out and shooting the breeze with him. But, at the same time, I don't see myself without him in my life either. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself...I should just relax and let things play out a little more.

I've had the song "It's Not Over" playing in my head over and over since Saturday night. I think seeing Josh could have something to do with it.

Saturday night Molly and I went to Kelly's apartment for her birthday party. We got there before Josh so I had some time to settle in and get comfortable. That was the plan, but it didn't work because I was anxious to see him and I kept looking at the door. He and Jason got there about a half hour after I did. The minute he walked in I felt my heart start to pound. He was saying hello to Kelly and started to make his way over to where Molly and I were standing but he was intercepted by Kelly's sister who stopped him to talk. Jason walked over to us and I tried to make small talk with him while I waited for Josh but I was so distracted.

When Josh finally got to us he hugged Molly and then looked at me with a little uncertainty but he smiled and gave me a big hug. I used to live for those hugs, and I can't say that I'd forgotten how great they are, but I didn't expect so many emotions to come rushing at me all at once. But what struck me more than anything is how right it feels to be close to him.

We were all starting to talk when this tall, thin, blonde ran over to us. Naturally, I thought she was approaching us to talk to Josh or Jason, but she wanted to talk to me! She's Kelly's friend, Cynthia, and she loves "Dancing With The Stars" and just started talking ballroom lessons. She was asking me for pointers. I started to give her some tips and advice and pretty soon it was just the two of us talking. She's a really nice girl but I wanted to talk to Josh. We went in separate directions and I tried to casually make my way back towards Josh but he was talking to a bunch of people I don't know.

I was talking to other people but I found that I kept staring at him. I finally decided that I needed to get control of myself so I purposely walked into another room and faced away from where Josh was. It was the only way to not stare at him. You'd think after all this time, he wouldn't have this effect on me!

I was in the kitchen getting a drink when we finally got a chance to talk again. He followed me in there and asked if he could see my pictures from Hawaii. I was itching to show off the pictures so we sat down on the couch together and we started to go through the album I had put together. I had 250 pictures! I have to give the guy credit for being willing to look at them. We only got half way through when Kelly decided we were all going to play Taboo - girls v. boys.

The game was fun but it meant that I was pulled apart from Josh again. When it was my turn, I was getting really frustrated because the girls couldn't guess my card. I glanced at Josh and I could tell he knew the answer. When my turn was over I looked at him and said, "should I tell them or should you?" He laughed and told them.

It just made things harder because he knows me so well, and I still love him so much...but there's still so much distance. It's like we don't know how to act or what to do.

So as the party was winding down I wanted to stick around because the crowd was thinning out and I really wanted to talk to Josh for more than 5 minutes without interruption. But Molly had to go home. I don't know what was going on with her but she wanted out of there. Josh walked us out to the car. I asked if he was heading back to New York and he said he was staying with Jason and then he asked if I'd have breakfast with him the next morning.

So yesterday morning, I picked him up at Jason's and we went to a diner for breakfast. We decided that New Jersey is the diner state. There are more diners here than any other state I've been in. But anyway, I digress... Breakfast was great. It felt a lot more natural than the party. We were able to talk without distraction. We talked about everything that's happened since December 8th. Well, almost everything. I left out all the crying and Jeremy, but we talked about my sprained ankle, my new SUV, his music gigs, the piano lessons he's teaching and Jennifer's new boyfriend. He told me that he knew I was in Atlantic City a few weeks ago and almost ran out on the street to look for me.

After breakfast I took him to Princeton Junction. I pulled up and he looked at me. He told me that he was glad that we're talking again. And he said that there's been so much he's wanted to tell me and that he's missed me. I swear my heart turned over in my chest. Before he left for the train, he gave me a long hug and kissed my cheek.

So it was interesting. Breakfast was definitely better than the party. I don't know where things are going, but I do know that being with him made me realize that I'm not over him, and I don't think he's over me either.

My prof didn't show up for my 10:00 class so I'm killing time until my next class. I have to drive back to Pennsylvania after class today. I'm meeting with the owner of the swim club (Josh and Lauren's uncle) to interview for the camp director position. I got passed over last year but I have a good feeling this time around. I'm older, more experienced and basically proved last year that I could step up and do the job. Henry also wrote a letter of recommendation on my behalf, and since he'll be my boss, I think it carries a lot of weight. I hope so, because I really, really, really want this job.

After that, I'm going to meet with Mona to discuss the second summer of our "Dancing Like The Stars" contest. It wasn't as big of a hit last year as we hoped but it did bring new people into the dance studio so we're going to do it again. Mona thinks we need to tweak it a bit to make it more exciting so I'm interested to hear her ideas.

I'm going to hang out with Aunt Lu tonight. My mom went back to Florida on Wednesday. I guess she finally realized she couldn't stay up here forever. She has a business back home and obligations. I think it will be good for her to get back to her own life.

Tomorrow night's Kelly's b-day party. I am so nervous about seeing Josh. I really want to see him. Our conversations (yes, we ended up talking a second time while I was there) were really great. I'm just not sure how it will be to actually see him in person.

So, our second conversation occurred when I was in Honolulu. He called for Natalie's number because he was driving down to Bradenton to visit his grandparents and wanted to hang out with her. I had just finished my surfing lesson and I was so excited about it. When I picked up the phone I just blurted out, "Guess what I just did?!?" He laughed and said, "Wow...what did you do?" So we spent another half hour on the phone while I told him about surfing and how
Aunt Lu surfed with me - which he found very amusing. It was a very fun conversation.

The next day I got a call at 6 a.m. from Nat. I picked up the phone half asleep and I hear her singing "Nic, Nic, Nic, Nic, N-Nic, Nic, Nic - Nickelodeon!" (She can be very strange some times!) She was out on her boat with Josh and Jason and was calling to say hi. It was a very short conversation since I was so groggy. But I guess you could say I kind of talked to Josh three times total since they had me on speaker phone.

Anyway, Josh had taken Jason with him to visit his grandparents and now Natalie and Jason are new best friends. They really hit it off! I asked Nat if it was a love thing but she said no. She said they are just friends. So we'll see...It's just that the way she talks about him reminds me of how I talked about Josh when he and I first met.

Spring Break is over. I'm back from reality and back in the swing of things at school. The rest of my trip was awesome. We spent the rest of the week on Oahu. We drove up to the North Shore and watched all of the surfers. It was so cool to see, and it inspired me to take a surfing lesson. I didn't take it on the North Shore though (I'd probably kill myself surfing in those waves) but I did take a lesson on Waikiki and Aunt Lu took the class with me too! We also visited the Dole Plantation and spent a lot of time in Honolulu.

Now I'm back and trying to get myself back on Eastern Time. I've discovered that it's much easier to go west than it is to come back east...which makes me wonder why Elise still hasn't adjusted to our time zone after all of these weeks. She's still going to sleep super early and waking up in the middle of the night. It's so strange to me.

So Saturday night is Kelly's birthday party and I'm going to see Josh there. I'm excited to see him, but I'm also kind of freaked out at the same time. I just don't know how I'm going to react. I'm afraid that I'll see him and then I'll lose all my defenses. I just hope I'll be able to keep it together and not act on my impulses to throw myself into his arms. That would be seriously mortifying.

It's another early morning here in Kauai. I just can't get myself on Hawaii time. I've been up for a few hours now.

I've been thinking about Josh a lot since yesterday. I can't believe how easy it was to talk to him. I thought I missed him like crazy, but now I suddenly miss him so much more. I have lot of great people in my life and I love them all but no one gets me the way Josh does. We're thousands of miles away and yet we connected like we haven't spent even a second apart.

I had finally let him go. I was ready to move on, and then suddenly he's come back into my life again. What does this mean? Do I continue to let him go? Or do I take it as a sign from the universe that he's supposed to be in my life?

Greetings from Hawaii! It turns out that they do have wireless internet here, which is good since I've been awake for hours. Yes, it's only 9:15 a.m. here, but it's 3:15 p.m. at home. I just couldn't sleep.

I got up real early this morning to watch the sunrise. I was lucky to see it before the clouds started to move in. It was so beautiful and I wished that I had someone to share it with. Somehow, everyone else was still asleep so I was out on the beach by myself. I realized that I could call east since it's a 6 hour time difference. Before I knew it I was on the phone with Josh.

We talked for an hour. I described the sunset, he told me about Florida, and then we just started talking about life in general. I couldn't believe how great it felt to finally talk to him. Before we hung up he made me promise that we would talk again soon. I hope we do.

I should get going. Everyone is getting ready to start the day. Lots of sight seeing to do!

I'm writing from Aunt Lu's house in PA. Tomorrow is the big day: we leave for Hawaii! I'm really excited. It's all I've been able to think about all week. Keeping my mind on school while trying to pack and get ready has been crazy.

Things are good. My ankle is getting better and I'm completely off the crutches now. I'm even hoping that I'll be able to take a surfing lesson in Waikiki!

I didn't email Josh back. I tried. I really did, but I couldn't find the words. I kept writing the email and re-writing the email until I finally gave up. I just don't know what to say to him. There's so much in my head and in my heart that a quick one line note through cyberspace doesn't seem like enough.

I'm not sure how much I'll be posting over the next week. I'm taking my laptop and I know the hotel in Honolulu has wireless internet but I don't think the hotel in Kauai has it so if I post it won't be until the end of the week.

That's all for now!

Busy pre-Spring Break week. Getting ready for Hawaii! I can't wait.

I got an email from Josh last night. He's going to be in Florida next week and wanted to know if I would be there. I haven't emailed him back yet. I'm not sure if I should since I'm trying to let him go. Glad to know he's thinking of me though.

I wish I could focus on all the good in my life. Instead of being said, I wish I could lie awake at night thinking about how lucky I am that I have Aunt Lu, my mom, my grandparents...even my dad. I wish I could sit around thinking about how blessed I am. I have food to eat, a warm place to sleep. I have it so much easier than so many people, and yet all I can do is think about what I don't have.

We were talking in my philosophy class about how people focus so much on what they don't have. If people could just focus on what they do have, they would be so much happier.

And yet, here I sit, thinking about my broken heart and all of the bruises to my soul. It seems so petty to cry over Josh or sulk over the injustices of my childhood when there are people out there with much bigger problems, larger hurdles to get over, and obstacles at every turn.

I'm beginning to think that I'm just being self-indulgent. I spend so much time on my unhappiness. It's selfish and it's not getting me anywhere. Josh is living his life. It's time for me to start living mine. No more lip service. I really have to do this. I have to release him. If he's mine, he'll come back to me, but this sulking and crying over him is old. It's time to let it go.