I've had the song "It's Not Over" playing in my head over and over since Saturday night. I think seeing Josh could have something to do with it.

Saturday night Molly and I went to Kelly's apartment for her birthday party. We got there before Josh so I had some time to settle in and get comfortable. That was the plan, but it didn't work because I was anxious to see him and I kept looking at the door. He and Jason got there about a half hour after I did. The minute he walked in I felt my heart start to pound. He was saying hello to Kelly and started to make his way over to where Molly and I were standing but he was intercepted by Kelly's sister who stopped him to talk. Jason walked over to us and I tried to make small talk with him while I waited for Josh but I was so distracted.

When Josh finally got to us he hugged Molly and then looked at me with a little uncertainty but he smiled and gave me a big hug. I used to live for those hugs, and I can't say that I'd forgotten how great they are, but I didn't expect so many emotions to come rushing at me all at once. But what struck me more than anything is how right it feels to be close to him.

We were all starting to talk when this tall, thin, blonde ran over to us. Naturally, I thought she was approaching us to talk to Josh or Jason, but she wanted to talk to me! She's Kelly's friend, Cynthia, and she loves "Dancing With The Stars" and just started talking ballroom lessons. She was asking me for pointers. I started to give her some tips and advice and pretty soon it was just the two of us talking. She's a really nice girl but I wanted to talk to Josh. We went in separate directions and I tried to casually make my way back towards Josh but he was talking to a bunch of people I don't know.

I was talking to other people but I found that I kept staring at him. I finally decided that I needed to get control of myself so I purposely walked into another room and faced away from where Josh was. It was the only way to not stare at him. You'd think after all this time, he wouldn't have this effect on me!

I was in the kitchen getting a drink when we finally got a chance to talk again. He followed me in there and asked if he could see my pictures from Hawaii. I was itching to show off the pictures so we sat down on the couch together and we started to go through the album I had put together. I had 250 pictures! I have to give the guy credit for being willing to look at them. We only got half way through when Kelly decided we were all going to play Taboo - girls v. boys.

The game was fun but it meant that I was pulled apart from Josh again. When it was my turn, I was getting really frustrated because the girls couldn't guess my card. I glanced at Josh and I could tell he knew the answer. When my turn was over I looked at him and said, "should I tell them or should you?" He laughed and told them.

It just made things harder because he knows me so well, and I still love him so much...but there's still so much distance. It's like we don't know how to act or what to do.

So as the party was winding down I wanted to stick around because the crowd was thinning out and I really wanted to talk to Josh for more than 5 minutes without interruption. But Molly had to go home. I don't know what was going on with her but she wanted out of there. Josh walked us out to the car. I asked if he was heading back to New York and he said he was staying with Jason and then he asked if I'd have breakfast with him the next morning.

So yesterday morning, I picked him up at Jason's and we went to a diner for breakfast. We decided that New Jersey is the diner state. There are more diners here than any other state I've been in. But anyway, I digress... Breakfast was great. It felt a lot more natural than the party. We were able to talk without distraction. We talked about everything that's happened since December 8th. Well, almost everything. I left out all the crying and Jeremy, but we talked about my sprained ankle, my new SUV, his music gigs, the piano lessons he's teaching and Jennifer's new boyfriend. He told me that he knew I was in Atlantic City a few weeks ago and almost ran out on the street to look for me.

After breakfast I took him to Princeton Junction. I pulled up and he looked at me. He told me that he was glad that we're talking again. And he said that there's been so much he's wanted to tell me and that he's missed me. I swear my heart turned over in my chest. Before he left for the train, he gave me a long hug and kissed my cheek.

So it was interesting. Breakfast was definitely better than the party. I don't know where things are going, but I do know that being with him made me realize that I'm not over him, and I don't think he's over me either.