I'm watching DWTS. At least we don't have five hours this week - last week was overkill. This season is kind of a bummer so far. I was annoyed with Lance and Lacey trying to do a less traditional Paso. Don't enter a ballroom competition if you don't want to do ballroom!

Anyway, back to real life...I'm flying home on Wednesday for a long weekend. I passed out on Saturday. My grandparents took me to the doctor and he said it was because of exhaustion and lack of food. So of course my grandmother freaked out. She called Aunt Lu and they decided I need a break. I don't really want to leave right now. My father needs me but Aunt Lu was adamant about this. I've never heard her be so stern about anything.

I am trying to eat more. I just have no appetite. I feel like I'm force feeding myself. They act like I'm doing this on purpose. I would never put my health at risk. I just have a hard time eating. I'm obviously not an emotional eater.

Maybe they are right though. Maybe a few days in Pennsylvania will do me good. I'll have Aunt Lu's cooking and my friends around.

Everyone is conspiring against me. My father told me that I should go to Tennessee to be with Josh. Aunt Lu thinks I should go back to New Jersey. My grandmother thinks I'm starving myself. Molly keeps calling me and telling me that I'm nuts. Why is everyone making something that's hard even harder?

Josh emailed me this morning looking for an explanation. "Why the sudden turn around?" He asked. "Why did we go from moving in together to being broken up?"

I've written and rewritten about a million responses to him since then and none of them work. My words fall short every time and he deserves more than that. I know I could tell him everything, but he deserves more than that too. At least for now. I want to make sure that he's settled in Nashville before I explain what's really going on. I just wish I could come up with some sort of answer for him to keep him from hating me until that time comes.

I guess not everything is horrible. Natalie sent a really nice care package down for me. Lots of magazines and goodies - not that I have an appetite for anything these days, but it was a really nice gesture. Her parents had me over for dinner on Tuesday. It was nice to eat a meal without being scrutinized by my grandmother. Tonight Patrick is driving down from Gainesville to take me out. It's almost a three hour ride so it's pretty nice of him to come all that way. He said he wants to help cheer me up.

I had a long talk last night with the nighttime nurse about my father's condition. She told me what I can expect over the next few weeks. He's frail right now - to a scary degree - but he doesn't act like he's dying. He's handling it with such bravery that it's almost hard to accept. She told me about the physical process of dying, how the body slows down and then breaks down. I had never really thought about it before. She encouraged me to talk to her about things any time I want. It was helpful. It is still scary but at least I know what to expect.

I went to Barnes and Noble today to buy some books. I bought two by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I heard she's the expert on death. I like the one I'm reading. It's helpful and she talks about death in a way that seems less scary. I just worry that it's so final and that my father will be gone forever.

Right now I'm just so angry about everything. I'm angry that he got sick just as we were getting our relationship on track. I'm angry that my mother is in Pennsylvania instead of here and helping me. I'm angry that I've had to give up everything to deal with this. I keep sitting around thinking how unfair it is, but life isn't fair. My father will attest to that.

My grandmother is making a big deal out of the premiere of "Dancing With The Stars." I think she wants me to have something to look forward to. I appreciate what she's doing, but it's not going to change anything. A TV show can't take away what's going on. I wish it could make me forget, but I don't think it can.

I'm having a really horrible day. I've wanted to pick up and phone and call Josh a million times. I hate this. I hate being without him - especially when I need him so badly. I know why I made the choices I made, but today I want to be selfish. I want to tell him and hear him say that he's on his way. I know that he would come here and suddenly I could handle everything better. But I also know that's not what's right for him.

I had another argument with my grandmother because she thinks I'm not eating enough. I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry. Food just looks disgusting to me. I have no appetite.

My father kept talking to me about his final wishes. He wants to die peacefully at home with little medical intervention. He said he hopes he goes soon. It's just too much.

I went out to Siesta Key this morning to walk and clear my head. It felt good to be out of the house, but then so many memories came flooding back at me. I remember going there with my dad when I was little - before he started drinking - and we actually had a good time. I also remembered the times I'd sit there on that beach with Nat and Arie and tell them how much things at home sucked because he had started drinking. And then there are the memories of being there with Josh, and finally feeling that things were good and they would stay that way. Boy, was I wrong.

I just can't see past this right now. I can't see a future. All I can see is the present. I think it's because I don't want to see the future. The future is a world without my dad, and quite possibly my world without Josh, and I can't stand either scenario. I know that this isn't forever, but when it ends, so does my father's life and it seems so selfish of me to want this to be over. I want him to be here as long as possible, I just want it on my terms and that's not going to happen. So how do I deal?

It's been a weird day. I went to class early this morning and then I got home and met with my father's lawyer. We were going over the estate. I'm the executor and his medical power of attorney. We went over his living will so that I know what his wishes are when he can't speak for himself anymore.

I really wish my mom was down here to deal with this. It's so much to deal with. I have my grandparents here and we've hired a nighttime nurse to take care of my father, but I'm still struggling.

My grandmother is giving me a hard time because I can't eat. I eat, but not a lot. I can't help it. I have no appetite. And why should I? I'm devastated that my father is dying and I'm heartbroken about cutting Josh out of my life.

I want to call him and tell him the truth but it's too soon. I have to wait until I know he's really settled in before I let him know what's really going on. It feels like torture not telling him...letting him think that I walked away for no good reason. All I can do is hope that he'll forgive me when he finds out the truth. And hope that I can last that long without him.

I'm getting myself settled in down here. It's so weird to be back in my old bedroom in this house that I haven't lived in since 2003. It's even weirder not having my mom here. I asked her to come down but she thinks it's better if she stays away. I think she's making a huge mistake, but it's her mistake to make.

I went over to the community college yesterday. I explained my situation and they were really nice. They let me enroll in a class even though the semester started last week. That and my two distance learning classes will keep me from getting behind. I guess I know now why the psychic told me to take summer classes.

I'm trying to make the best of things, but it's hard. My father looks so weak. I can't believe he's the same man. I look at him and I want to cry. My grandparents are holding on so hard. It's so weird. I feel like I'm living in some weird dreamland.

I've been thinking about Josh constantly. I wonder how much he hates me right now. I hate that I hurt him, but I was trying to do what's right for him. I will tell him the truth, I just want to wait until I know he's settled and happy in Nashville. I'm not going to let him change his mind or come running to my rescue. He needs to be where he is, and I need to be where I am. Besides, doesn't loving someone mean wanting what is best for them? I know I could be selfish. I know he'd be here if I asked, but I can't do that to him - not when the stakes are this high. How many people get to work with a major record label right out of school without years of struggling? I just can't let him give up his chance. I won't hold him back.

I've been up all night. I just couldn't sleep. I feel like I'm living a real nightmare. I stared out my window this morning at Josh as he packed up the car and drove away. I know he's on to bigger and getter things. I want that for him, but I need him so badly right now.

Thursday night he stopped over after I got home from my birthday dinner. He gave me my birthday present. I swear it took all the strength I had not to break down in complete agony. Then he tried to convince me to change my mind and go with him to Nashville. That's not a typical Josh thing to do and I know that he put his pride aside to do it, but I had to refuse him. He thinks I don't love him anymore and that's the worst of it.

I went to his going away party last night at Angelo's but I couldn't bring myself to go in. I think he saw me but I left pretty quickly. I ended up calling Eric and crying on his shoulder half the night. He thinks I'm insane. He told me that I should tell Josh about my dad and stop playing games. But I'm not playing games. I'm doing this for Josh. I'm letting him go so that he can have everything he's always wanted.

Aunt Lu has been trying to talk me into flying out tomorrow so I can avoid flying through the storm. But I just need to get out of here. I don't want to run into the Andersons or look out the window at Josh's old room.

I'm going to talk to Molly later this morning and then my flight is late this afternoon. Part of me is dreading what I'm going to find in Florida, but part of me just wants to get here so I'm not constantly reminded of all I've given up.

It's my birthday and it sucks. In the past week my life has been completely turned upside down. I've been trying so hard to process it all, but I'm not doing so well. My dad's health has taken a dramatic turn for the worse. I'm moving to Florida for a while to be with him. I could be there for a few weeks or a few months. It depends on how long he lives.

I knew that if I told Josh this he would insist on coming with me. I can't have him following me to Florida. It wouldn't be right. That would mean giving up his dream and I couldn't let that happen so I broke up with him. Maybe once things are more settled I can tell him the truth, but right now I need him to go to Nashville. And most importantly I need him to be happy and have everything that he deserves.

He hates me right now which makes this all so much more horrible. All of my friends think I've gone off the deep end. I don't blame them. One day I was planning to move to Nashville to be with him and the next I'm breaking up with him and providing no real explanation what so ever. The only person who knows what's really going on is Natalie, and she thinks I'm insane. She says I need Josh right now.

She's right. I do need him right now but I love him too much to let him give up everything to follow me to Florida. It's just better if he doesn't know until after he's in Nashville.

So tonight I'll put on a brave face and go out to "celebrate" my birthday, and then on Saturday I'll board a plane for Florida to help my father and grandparents through whatever is to come.