I'm having a really horrible day. I've wanted to pick up and phone and call Josh a million times. I hate this. I hate being without him - especially when I need him so badly. I know why I made the choices I made, but today I want to be selfish. I want to tell him and hear him say that he's on his way. I know that he would come here and suddenly I could handle everything better. But I also know that's not what's right for him.

I had another argument with my grandmother because she thinks I'm not eating enough. I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry. Food just looks disgusting to me. I have no appetite.

My father kept talking to me about his final wishes. He wants to die peacefully at home with little medical intervention. He said he hopes he goes soon. It's just too much.

I went out to Siesta Key this morning to walk and clear my head. It felt good to be out of the house, but then so many memories came flooding back at me. I remember going there with my dad when I was little - before he started drinking - and we actually had a good time. I also remembered the times I'd sit there on that beach with Nat and Arie and tell them how much things at home sucked because he had started drinking. And then there are the memories of being there with Josh, and finally feeling that things were good and they would stay that way. Boy, was I wrong.

I just can't see past this right now. I can't see a future. All I can see is the present. I think it's because I don't want to see the future. The future is a world without my dad, and quite possibly my world without Josh, and I can't stand either scenario. I know that this isn't forever, but when it ends, so does my father's life and it seems so selfish of me to want this to be over. I want him to be here as long as possible, I just want it on my terms and that's not going to happen. So how do I deal?