I've been up all night. I just couldn't sleep. I feel like I'm living a real nightmare. I stared out my window this morning at Josh as he packed up the car and drove away. I know he's on to bigger and getter things. I want that for him, but I need him so badly right now.

Thursday night he stopped over after I got home from my birthday dinner. He gave me my birthday present. I swear it took all the strength I had not to break down in complete agony. Then he tried to convince me to change my mind and go with him to Nashville. That's not a typical Josh thing to do and I know that he put his pride aside to do it, but I had to refuse him. He thinks I don't love him anymore and that's the worst of it.

I went to his going away party last night at Angelo's but I couldn't bring myself to go in. I think he saw me but I left pretty quickly. I ended up calling Eric and crying on his shoulder half the night. He thinks I'm insane. He told me that I should tell Josh about my dad and stop playing games. But I'm not playing games. I'm doing this for Josh. I'm letting him go so that he can have everything he's always wanted.

Aunt Lu has been trying to talk me into flying out tomorrow so I can avoid flying through the storm. But I just need to get out of here. I don't want to run into the Andersons or look out the window at Josh's old room.

I'm going to talk to Molly later this morning and then my flight is late this afternoon. Part of me is dreading what I'm going to find in Florida, but part of me just wants to get here so I'm not constantly reminded of all I've given up.