I'm still feeling crappy. I'm going to see the doctor on Monday. I have never been so nauseous or fatigued in my life. I don't know what is wrong with me. Last night was awful. I called the emergency line at my doctor's office and the nurse practitioner called me back. We discussed my symptoms and she said, "Could you be pregnant?" I was about to answer "no" when I realized I was late, and that Josh and I had spent an afternoon together in Vegas when everyone was at the Hoover Dam.

I got off the phone and raced upstairs to Natalie's room in a panic. I pulled her out of bed and made her to take me to an all night pharmacy. We didn't know which pregnancy test to buy so we bought one of each. When we got home Molly had woken up and was waiting for us. We couldn't exactly lie so we told her what was going on. She looked horrified. I love Molly, but she can be a bit judgmental, and she doesn't approve of hooking up...especially me hooking up with Josh.

I took every test, and while we were waiting Molly and Natalie got into a debate about abortion (another reason I wasn't thrilled that Molly was there). Natalie was trying to be supportive and discuss options, and Molly jumped down her throat. It was not what I wanted to hear. I finally said, "Enough. I would never abort Josh's baby so let's just stop this discussion." Well, it turns out - according to all of the tests - that I'm not pregnant.

I am relieved, but there is a tiny part of me that liked the idea of having Josh's baby, and it's really freaking me out. I know that if I were pregnant he'd come home, and I want him to come home so badly. How twisted is that? This whole thing is making me realize more and more that I need to get Josh Anderson out of my system. This isn't good for me. He's moved away and I really, really, really have to move on.

I just got home from class and I feel like crap. I was fine when I woke up this morning but I was sitting in my last class and suddenly I was really tired. I'm going to try to take a nap this afternoon so that I can teach class tonight.

I've been enjoying DTWS this season. Kelly Osbourne - who would have thunk it? I'm impressed.

Josh left me a message this morning. He's coming home next weekend and wants to see me. I called him back but didn't get him on the line. Maybe we'll connect later. For now, I think I need that nap.

I officially love Thursdays! I got up this morning and did a cardio workout and yoga. Then I leisurely started my day, had a nice lunch and then spend the first half of the afternoon studying. I love having a day off in the middle of the week. It's the best. :)

I was asked by one of the theater groups on campus to choreograph a number for their production of "West Side Story." They want to do a real Mambo to the "Dance At The Gym" but their choreographer doesn't do ballroom so I'm going to help her with that number. I'm excited! I'm going to a rehearsal tonight to see what they are working on and meet some of the dancers. They want to teach the routine next weekend so it doesn't give me much time, but after doing the competition the past three years, I've become pretty good at putting choreography together fast.

Well, that's all for now. Study break is over and I have several chapters to read.

I've been listening to Carrie Underwood a lot lately. I was stuck on the song "You Won't Find This." It's kind of my song for Josh right now. But last night I was listening to her other songs and "Wasted" came on and it really got me thinking about the words: "I don't want to spend my life jaded, waiting to wake up one day and find that I let all these years go by wasted." Or "I don't want to keep on wishing, missing the still of the morning the color of the night." It made me realize that I can't let any more time go wasted. I'm supposed to be having fun right now. It's my senior year...my last year before I have to grow up. I want it to be fun and light and carefree. I don't want to spend it sitting around feeling bad about Josh, wishing he were here and moping because he's not.

I talked to Nat last night and she agreed to go to Boston with me for Halloween. I called Mark to let him know that I was coming but bringing a friend. He seemed cool with it. Maybe his intentions are really just platonic. Nevertheless, we'll have a great time I'm sure. :)

Tonight is my second solo teaching experience. I'm excited. We're going to follow the Waltz with the Fox Trot. I think it's a good progression. I have my Fox Trot playlist all ready to go!

Ugh...three hour lab starts in 40 minutes. I'm so unmotivated to go. I definitely have senioritis. I want to spend my time at the dance studio. I guess I'm just ready to get on with my life. I just keep reminding myself that it's one more year and then I'll have my degree and my very own dance studio.

Mark keeps emailing me and asking if I'm going to visit for Halloween. I don't know what to tell him. I want to go, but I don't want him to think I'm going up there because I want something romantic to happen between us. I'm so torn. I hold back because deep in my heart I'm hoping that somehow, someway, I'll be with Josh. But then reality sets in and I remind myself that it's time to move one...and what better way to move on than with handsome, charming Mark? And then I think that Mark is better than a rebound guy. So I'm completely confused! Still, I would love to go up to Boston. I've never been there and the idea of going to Salem for Halloween sounds really cool. What to do? What to do?

Oh my gosh... I completely forgot to mention that I went out to dinner last night with Linds and she told me she's dating Henry!!!! I'm so excited. I've seen the potential there for years! They always seemed like they would make the perfect couple if only the timing were right. I guess the timing is right! I am so happy for her. I hope this works out. I really, really, really want to her to have romance and happiness in her life. She so deserves it.

I'm going to be signing up to get my instructor certification for zumba. Zumba is a form of aerobic exercise that uses a lot of steps from the latin dances. I thought it would be a cool thing to add to my resume...maybe even bring zumba to the dance studio!

My dance class went so well last night! I'm really excited. I have five couples and a woman who dragged her brother there (I think she won a bet, but he seemed like a good sport). We did the Waltz last night. I like to start with the Waltz because I think it's a good foundation for the other dances. Everyone seemed like they were having a good time. It definitely helped me feel better about things.

Today is my day off. On Tuesdays I have a three hour lab and an evening class so I didn't schedule any classes on the Tuesday/Thursday schedule. I'm probably going to spend Thursdays at the dance studio shadowing Mona so that I get more experience, but today I'm hanging out at home. I'm still pretty tired from the trip to Vegas. There wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on there. We were up all night almost every night. I guess the song is accurate...Vegas turns night into daytime!

Yesterday I posted on facebook that I had the song "You Won't Find This" by Carrie Underwood stuck in my head. Josh must have looked up the lyrics because he sent me a message that said, "There's no confusion here. I know you're my once in a lifetime. J." Ugh...it takes all of my self-control not to drive up to Newark and hop on the first plane to Los Angeles. And then I think, he's always some place else. How can I settle for that? What is worse? Settling for second best, or settling for a once-in-a-lifetime-love that I only get to see on occasion?

Back to school today. It's rainy and dreary here. It's hard to be back after the weekend in Las Vegas.

Josh and I stuck together the rest of the weekend. We hung out with the gang but we were always together. We went to Freemont Street with everyone Sunday night and then we went out to dinner alone on the strip late that night. Afterwards we walked around holding hands just like we used to. He kissed me goodnight outside my hotel room and it felt like old times. On Monday Lauren, Alex, Jason and Jennifer flew home. Lindsay, Henry, Amanda, Molly and Natalie went to the Hoover Dam so Josh and I got to spend some time together that afternoon.

It was great being with him, but it's making me miss him so much right now. It feels like a set back. I was feeling better and now I'm walking around missing him. The worst part is that I don't want to hear Molly say "I told you so." She warned me not to get too close to him this weekend. I knew she was right but I couldn't stop myself.

He called last night to talk and see how my flight was. He told me that he avoided hooking up with me when he was home in the spring, when I visited him in LA and again when he was home two weeks ago because he knew it would hurt too much. I guess the romantic atmosphere of the sunrise at the Grand Canyon got the best of both of us. It doesn't matter. We both knew that this thing would only last the weekend. I knew what I was doing and I knew that there would be no tomorrow. It sucks but it's the reality.

Now I just have to put my brave face on for a few days until I bounce back. I'm sure I will. I guess what bothers me the most is that there is once in awhile love, and there's once in a lifetime love. Josh is once in a lifetime. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life with second best?

Tonight is my first night teaching dance solo (it's Wednesday nights - not Tuesdays as I previously posted). Maybe getting out there and dancing will help me get my groove back.

Leaving Las Vegas...My flight will be taking off in a little while and I'm sad to go. I hate the thought of heading east while Josh is heading west. He might be back over the California border by now. I'll post more about the trip tonight or tomorrow, but for now I should just let everything sink in. It was a great weekend. I wish I could relive it all over again.

The Grand Canyon was AMAZING! We got there around dinner time yesterday. We went to the Canyon because Lauren and Alex wanted to see it but they didn't want to get up early this morning for the sunrise. We walked around and took tons of pictures. We checked into our hotel and then found a bar that serves food. The place was a complete dive, but it was so much fun. They were playing country music, had pool tables and some of the greasiest food I've ever eaten. We ended up hanging out there all night.

Josh and I played pool against Lauren and Alex. We weren't the best pool players, but Lauren was amazing. It was weird...we have no idea how she got so good. She enjoyed it though...lots of trash talking and laughing at the rest of us while she got ball after ball in the pockets.

After a few rounds of pool Lauren and Alex were dancing and Josh and I were sitting together at a table. I thanked him for "for bringing me here." He laughed and said, "to a dive bar?" I said, "yes, to a dive bar and to the Grand Canyon. You're making a dream come true." He leaned over and said, "I'm glad I can still make your dreams come true." Then he kissed my cheek, took my hand and lead me out to dance. It was perfect.

This morning Josh and I got up supper early and head to the Grand Canyon. We found a spot and sat down together. It was on the cold side so Josh put his arm around me to warm me up. It worked.

We sat there together and watched as the sun rose up over the Canyon. The colors were spectacular. It was amazing, and being there with Josh made it all the more better. It was so romantic.

After the sun came up we walked around for a while and took more pictures. It was gorgeous. Josh asked me if it was worth it to miss a night in Las Vegas. I told him I'd pick the canyon over Vegas any day. In fact, I wish I could have stayed there forever. He agreed and told me he was glad we got some time to be alone together. He told me that he misses me and then he kissed me. That's when I really wished we could have stayed there forever.

I know we're not getting back together. Nothing has changed. He's living in LA now, and I'm in Pennsylvania...but I hope we can enjoy the rest of this weekend together. I just want to spend as much time with him as I can.

I'm in Vegas! I had a great birthday. We had a buffet breakfast and then Natalie, Jennifer and I went to the spa for pedicures. After that we met up with the rest of the gang at the pool. Josh had just arrived and was hanging out with them. He looks even better than the last time I saw him. How is that possible?

We spent the afternoon checking out the different casinos. It's amazing but the smoke from the LA wildfires has actually made it's way to Las Vegas. Josh said he was glad to get out of LA for a few days. He said the air quality there is really bad.

So we walked through New York-New York, watched the fountain show at the Bellagio, we walked through the streets of "Paris" and explored MGM. After that we headed to the other end of the strip. We walked around the Venetian and did the gondola ride. It was a fun day.

Last night we went to PF Chang's for my birthday dinner. I got the most amazing b-day present from Josh...he's taking me to the grand canyon. Josh, Lauren, Alex and I are driving out there this afternoon. We're going to stay over night and get up tomorrow morning to see the sunrise!!!! I'm so excited.