Heading off to Boston in a few minutes! Looking forward to getting away. :)

My evening class got out early last night because my prof was sick. I thought I'd use the time to do research for a paper I have due in a few weeks. I headed to the library and ran into Dan (one of the guys from "West Side Story"). He sat down at the table I was at and we started talking. I was enjoying our conversation until he tried to kiss me. Yes, out of the blue tried to kiss me! No warning whatsoever. I pushed him away and tried to explain as nicely as possible that I wasn't into him. It was just so awkward and unexpected. Maybe if he had asked me out first, but it just felt very weird. I still feel weird and bad about it. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I really like him...just not that way.

Tonight is my last dance class. We're doing the Samba. Oh, how I'm dreading it. The Samba is just so awkward for new dancers and I just can't imagine some of the students pulling it off. It should be an interesting hour.

I don't know what's up with Bill. He blew me off last week and then acted strange on Tuesday. I don't know if I did something to annoy him or what. Actually, it feels like everyone is acting weird lately. Molly has been acting so strange the past few days. Every time I see her she jumps like I've startled her or something. Is the moon in some strange phase that I'm unaware of?

I'm glad to be getting away this weekend. Mark sent me an email this morning to let me know about some plans for Saturday night. I wish we had more time to spend there. I'd like to see Boston but I don't think we'll have much time for that.

Well, time for me to log off and get back to school work...

Ugh, Monday. At least I had a good weekend. Friday was opening night of the play. It was great. It was so cool to see the whole thing and to watch my dance come to life on stage. Saturday night I went back to see it again and then to the cast party afterward. It was a blast. We did karaoke all night and played games. This group is very entertaining! I guess that happens when you're a bunch of performers. :)

My little crush on Bill is over. He kind of blew me off on Thursday and I decided I don't need that. Once you've been treated like a queen from the most amazing guy ever, it's hard to settle for being treated okay by a guy who is just okay himself. Maybe that sounds mean...I just know that Josh set the bar really high. That's why it feels like I'll never find anyone nearly as special as him.

This coming weekend is my trip to Massachusetts with Natalie. We'll be visiting Mark and going to Salem for Halloween. I'm looking forward to getting away and Mark tells me that Salem is really cool over Halloween weekend.

It will be nice to see him again, although I'm still torn about what I want to happen between us. I remember the day after our date thinking he was amazing, and then I ran into Josh at the grocery store and the feelings that Josh stirs in me are so much stronger. Mark is too good to be a rebound or a second choice.

I know that my heart is holding out for Josh, but my brain is like "don't let Mark get away!!!" Why does the heart have to complicate things? Why can't the brain explain to the heart that Josh isn't coming back? Why can't the heart move on, or at least move aside and let the brain take over for a little while? Because the brain knows that I'd be an idiot to let a guy like Mark get away, but the heart still loves Josh oh so much...

Arrrghhhhhh! Why won't he leave my subconscious alone????????? Okay, I know that Josh isn't really trying to creep into my subconscious, but he is...like every night! Last night I dreamed that he showed up at my door with two big suitcases and told me he was moving home. He told me that he couldn't live without me and then he pulled me into his arms and just as we were about to kiss I woke up. Damn it! I stared at the clock. 1:37 a.m. and groaned because I knew I had several more hours of sleep leaving me wide open for more Josh dreams. I had a second dream that I don't remember as vividly. It didn't seem to have a story to it like the first one did. I just know that I was at some sort of party and Josh was there and we kept looking at each other but we never connected.

It's just so annoying. He's out of my life, but he's still stuck in my head. No, it's more than that. He's in my blood, in my heart and in my head and it runs so deep that I can't shake him. Even my little crush on Bill doesn't seem to be enough to crush my love for Josh.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. Maybe I should be in Southern California. I get so confused. I shouldn't even be thinking about Southern California. Josh didn't think it was a good idea for me to move there. Maybe he really doesn't love me as much as I love him. Damn that dream for forcing him on me again. I'm better when I'm not thinking about him. I have to keep moving on.

Just finished my lab. I have my 3 hour class tonight. Tuesdays are long days. Lab was fun though. Having Bill as my lab partner definitely makes the time go by faster. Today one of the guys was giving him grief and I started to sing, "Don't mess with Bill." They got a kick out of it. Bill said I have a nice singing voice. I'm not sure why but this made me very happy. I think I might be developing a little crush on him. Rebound crush maybe...

Tomorrow I'm back in the theater for a few hours to watch dress rehearsals. I told the director I'd be there to help clean up any mistakes. I think the cast is pulling it together. I give them a lot of credit because the Mambo isn't easy and they didn't have a lot of time to learn it.

I'm teaching Mambo tomorrow night for my dance class. Henry said he's gotten good feedback on the class so we are talking about running another class. We're going back and forth between running the same class and moving on to a more advanced class for the current students. I'm going to find out tonight if any of them want to continue on. I'd love to spend more than one week on each dance.

Well, off to grab a quick dinner before the next class!

Dinner at the Anderson's old house wasn't as weird as expected. The house looks completely different now. The new neighbors painted and completely redecorated it. Their taste is a lot more modern. Still, I couldn't help but feel sad when I saw the big empty space where Josh's grand piano once sat. And again as I walked past the spot where Josh and I stood under the mistletoe for that very first kiss. Once I got past that I was able to enjoy myself. Dinner was delicious and the new neighbors are very nice. They seem to like Aunt Lu a lot. I was worried she'd be all alone without Mrs. Anderson next door.

This morning was class, class, class and then I spent most of the afternoon studying. I'm trying to be careful about keeping up with my school work. All of these extra activities are keeping me busy...but they are also keeping my mind off of you-know-who, so I suppose that's a good thing.

Well, it's time for me to get moving. I have to meet Bill to write up our lab for tomorrow. Then it's more studying tonight!

I've had a busy weekend. The Haunted House was fun, but we didn't have as many people this weekend. I think the weather kept people away. Bill asked us to help out next weekend too. I'm going to see what I can do. I want to go to the play on opening night. I'm starting to get friendly with the cast and I want to go cheer them on.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon working with the cast of "West Side Story." I helped them rehearse "The Dance at the Gym." I also helped the choreographer work with them on some of the other dances. I really had a good time. Dan, is the guy who keeps telling me to audition next semester. He was trying to talk me into it again yesterday. I'm starting to seriously give it some thought, although I'd be happy just doing choreography again. I've been asked to work on choreography for shows before. I wish I had done it sooner. It's been a good time.

I came to Pennsylvania this morning to go to church with Aunt Lu. I was nervous about seeing the Andersons but they weren't there. It was a relief. I was afraid that seeing them would be rough on me...just more reminders of him. Of course, tonight won't be much easier. The new neighbors have invited Aunt Lu and me to their house for dinner. Their son just graduated from culinary school and is making dinner. Aunt Lu is looking forward to it, but all I can think about is how weird it will be to be in that house with new people living there. I hope it's not too weird.

Lindsay thinks that repressing my feelings for You-Know-Who will just make me more miserable. She thinks it's better to deal with things head on. She could be right, but when I think of him it hurts. So of course last night he filled my dreams...one dream after another all night long. I hate waking up and feeling like we were just together. It makes it all the more crushing when I discover that it was just a dream. It's like I have to start all over again. I guess my subconscious mind is fighting my conscious decision to repress thoughts of him. I don't know what to do. How do you get over someone and move on? I try to do all of the right things, but nothing ever seems to work. The only times that I had semi-success with getting over Josh is when I was on the road trip and met Patrick, and then again when I was dancing with Mark this summer. Then I see Josh again and I'm back at square one. That is why I needed a clean break. I cannot let my dreams hold me back.

Tonight is the Haunted House so that will keep me busy. Tomorrow I'm working with the cast of "West Side Story" on "Dance At The Gym." I've been having a good time hanging out with the cast. One of the guys keeps asking why I haven't auditioned for any musicals. I wish I had thought to, but I don't think I'm much of an actress. I can dance and I can pull off a singing number, but I'm not sure if I could act. I'm thinking of possibly auditioning for a show in the spring just to see what would happen. Worst case scenario is that I don't get cast, and if I do it might be a lot of fun.

Lauren sent me an email this morning apologizing for giving me a hard time. She said she was watching "Glee" last night and when she heard "You Keep Me Hangin' On" it made her think of me...something about the line "seeing you only breaks my heart again." Funny, but that's not the song from last night's episode of "Glee" that makes me think of Him. "No Air" seems more appropriate...but I'm moving on now. I'm trying not to let my mind wander and linger on thoughts of Him too much. Memories are in the past, and no matter how good those memories are, they are just memories.

I spent most of today at the dance studio working with Mona. There's so much to learn. I spent my childhood at my mother's dance studio and never really grasped how much went into running a studio. I thought I'd know more than I do. I guess I'm lucky that Mona is willing to stick around and teach me.

I'm hanging at Aunt Lu's now. I'm thinking of staying here tonight. The weather is miserable and I don't feel like driving back to New Jersey in the rain. Besides, if I stay here I get Aunt Lu's cooking for dinner! :)

I've been busy. I spent all afternoon helping some of the cast of "West Side Story" with their Mambo. Not everyone has picked it up, and with me being so sick a few weeks ago, it kind of messed up their rehearsal schedule. The Mambo is tough because it breaks on the 2 (that's why Baby kept stepping on Johnny's feet in "Dirty Dancing"). Most dances that Americans dance break on the first beat so it can be tough to hold off for that second beat. That has been the biggest problem with the Mambo so far. They open next week so we still have a little time, and it's just a few people who are struggling. I can always move them to the back of the stage if I have to...I just feel bad about that!

My Wednesday night dance class is tonight. We're doing the East Coast Swing tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think the Fox Trot, Cha Cha and East Coast Swing are the most valuable dances for the social dancer. If you know these three dances you can go to a wedding and dance the night away. Of course, I told this to one of the couples and they went to a Brazilian wedding and they played Sambas all night. Go figure. We're holding the Mambo and Samba for our last two weeks. I wanted them to have some experience before giving them the challenging dances.

Bill asked me to help out with the Haunted House again this weekend. I'm taking Molly and Nat along with me because he needs more help. I'm looking forward to it. I really had fun last week.

I'm starting to feel renewed. Working on the choreography for the show and helping with the Haunted House has gotten me out of my comfort zone a little. I've been meeting new people and having fun. I'm not sitting around moping about Him.

Well, I should probably do some actual school work since I'll be out tonight. The one bad thing about keeping busy is that I'm not keeping up with my classes and I've made it this far (and it wasn't easy with being in Florida for a whole semester!) so I don't want to mess up now. Just a few more months and I'll be a college grad!

I had the best weekend. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. My lab partner, Bill, is in charge of running a haunted house and he needed some extra people so he asked me to help out. I can't believe how much fun it was. I met a bunch of new people and did something different. I needed that. I'm hoping Bill will need some extra help next weekend too.

Today I'm going to Pennsylvania to help Aunt Lu with some housework. She was climbing a latter and cleaning out the gutters when I got there the other day, and I just don't think it's a good idea. She's getting older and I worry about her falling and hurting herself. I'm not there anymore and the Anderson's aren't next door to keep an eye on her. It terrifies me that something could happen to her. I told her that I'd finish the job for her today, so it's off to clean the gutters!

I had a great day at the dance studio. I got there early and took a yoga class. I spent the rest of the morning helping Mona with various things. We went to lunch at Angelo's and talked about the business. She wants me to run the holiday show this year. Its a big undertaking but I feel like I'm up for it.

After lunch we went back to the studio. Jenna was there so I talked to her for awhile. I'm at Aunt Lu's now. I'm going to stay here tonight, have dinner with Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Brett and Lindsay.

I haven't heard from Josh since last weekend, but I did get a voice mail from Lauren. She kind of let me have it. She doesn't understand. It's okay. I can see where she's coming from. She doesn't want to see her brother hurt. I don't want to see her brother hurt. I love him. That hasn't changed, but we can't be together. I hope that in time Lauren will understand. I have to protect myself. It was time to let go...really let go. Because I realize that I've talked a good talk, but I've never really let go until Saturday.

I am finally feeling like myself again. I have got to rev up my immune system because I don't want to spend the winter sick. That was miserable.

So Friday night was...weird. It was really more than that, but weird is the best way to describe it. I had dinner with Lauren, Alex, Jason, Natalie, Molly and Josh. When I saw him I was both happy and sad. He gave me a big hug and seemed so happy to see me. I melted into that hug and wanted to stay there as long as possible. I knew there wouldn't be too many more of those hugs.

We had dinner and it was awkward. I knew about the conversation that was coming but he didn't. It just felt so weird. I was trying to enjoy myself, but I kept thinking, "things will never be the same again." It was such a strange feeling.

After dinner we went back to Nat's to play Wii. Josh noticed I was acting weird and asked if I was okay. I told him I was but that I needed to talk to him. When we got the chance we broke away from the group and went to my room to talk.

We sat down and I explained to him what has happened since Las Vegas. I told him about the pregnancy scare. He said all of the right things..."why didn't you call me?" "You know I would have been there for you." "I'm so sorry you went through that by yourself." I wouldn't have expected anything less, but that's the problem. I explained to him that there was a part of me that wished I were pregnant, because I know him and I know he would have moved home to be with me.

He was silent for a minute, and then he said, "Yes, I would have. Why is that a bad thing?" It's not. I explained that, and told him what is a bad thing is that I would have used that baby to trap him. He argued that I can't trap someone who wants to stay. Then I explained to him that the problem is with my intention not with what he would have done. My intention was that I wanted him to move home and stay regardless of whether or not that is what he wanted.

We were both pretty exhausted at this point. He told me that he's been trying to get transferred to a project in New York and nothing has come through. He told me that he hates LA and is homesick all the time so he does nothing but work, work, work. He said he has all of these friends from college who were music majors who can't get jobs. He's afraid to move home without work lined up. I understand it. It's rough out there, and he's got a dream job and he's making tons of money. I understand why he doesn't want to leave that right now.

I told him that I'm having a really hard time moving on, that I'm lonely for him all the time and that it's not good for me. He nodded, but I'm not sure if he was really agreeing with me. He seemed like he was somewhere else. I quickly got his attention though when I explained that I need some time without him in my life. He didn't like that, but I made my case. I simply cannot get over him when he keeps popping up every few months. I cannot get over him when I'm facebook stalking him or getting phone calls and emails here and there. I told him that I need a clean break...at least for a while.

After some conversation he finally agreed. No contact for a while. He said he didn't like it, but he'd do it because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. Then he gave me one of the sweetest kisses, lingered there for a minute, and then pulled away and left. I haven't heard from him since, and I know I won't. Josh is very good about keeping his word.

Saturday sucked, but Sunday was easier, and Monday was even easier than Sunday. I know I've made the right decision. I can't keep holding on to yesterday. It's time to move forward towards tomorrow.

I'm finally feeling better. I'm still shaken by what happened, but I consider myself lucky since I got off easy. Josh is in town and I'm supposed to see him tonight. I'm so nervous. I need to tell him that I'm cutting him off. I just can't have him in my life right now. It's too hard for me to let go.

I'm so torn up because the thought of not having him in my life makes me so sad, but then I think about how sad I am by holding on to him. This is for the best. I know that. Molly, Natalie, Amanda and I have discussed this at length and they agree. I just wish it weren't this way. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and he's always been so good to me. If it weren't for the 3,000 miles between us...but I can't focus on that. I just have to focus on moving on with my life so that I can enjoy it and be happy. No more pining for Josh. I was doing so great before Vegas. I have to get back to that, and to do that I can't have Josh in my life anymore.