Busy day at the dance studio. It's good though...keeping my mind off of things.

Last night I had dinner with Raj and Anisha. Anisha said that it's a shame to throw away years of history with Josh when I clearly still love him. She said I should call him, have a serious talk about the future, see what he says and then take a leap of faith.

That was my plan. All the way home I kept thinking about talking to him to see how we might work things out. Then Molly called and she gave me a completely different prospective. She thinks I've wasted enough time and that I need to get over school girl fantasies. She said I'm going to be constantly disappointed if I continue to live in the past. She pointed out that I went back to the swim club this summer and made Josh dance in the All Star number so that I could relive 2007. She thinks I need to let it go and get on with my life. She said, "You can't relive the past. Just appreciate it for what it was and move on so that you can be happy again."

So who is right? I'm so confused now. Do I call Josh up and take a leap or faith? Or do I move on?

Okay, new topic. I had some contractors out to look at the apartments above the studio and it is definitely do-able to renovate them and stay within my budget. Alex wants to rent the other one. I'm going to ask Lindsay if she wants to move in to the second bedroom in my apartment. I'd like to have a roommate and she wants to get out of her parents' house. I think it could work out really well.

One more day to go and I'll be the owner of the dance studio!!!!!

I was trying to save myself heartache and it didn't work. I'm miserable. Josh is gone and we're through and I wasted an entire summer living in limbo. I wish I were more wise or had a better idea of what I was doing instead of just going through the motions and hoping for the best.

I am about to become the owner of the dance studio. Plus I'm the owner of my dad's business. You'd think I'd have better judgment. I hope I can do this. I hope I don't screw up the dance studio. Yesterday Eva stopped by. She got licensed to teach Zumba and she wants to teach at the studio. My initial reaction was to say no - mostly because she had been flirting with Josh earlier this summer (stupid, I know...). Mona pulled me aside and explained that as the runner up in the dance competition, Eva had established a following and would probably attract a large client base. I agreed to let her do it, but I needed Mona to get me thinking like a business person and not a jealous ex-girlfriend.

I am going over to Raj and Anisha's house for dinner tonight. I'm hoping it will cheer me up a little bit. I can't keep sitting around thinking about Josh. I need to get my head on straight so that I can run my business. I'm not a kid anymore. I need to grow up and get my priorities straight.

Josh and I were arguing...again. This time was pretty bad though and he's heading off to California and I just think that the special thing we once had is over. I just couldn't let go of my fears. We were together all summer and I kept him at a distance because I was scared and I couldn't shake it. He promised me last fall that he would move home and then when the time came to do so he stayed here. How can I trust that this time is different? It's always the same old story. We get together and then he leaves.

This time, though, he was really mad. It wasn't the gentle, understanding, "I'm-sorry-for-the-way-things-are" Josh. This was mad Josh. He told me that he'd had enough and that I had finally convinced him, after all of these weeks of hemming and hawing, that we are not meant to be together.

So fine. It's over. What can I do? I can't be with someone who is not around. And I don't think it's fair that he's putting this all on me. He's the one that leaves. I've been a resident of Pennsylvania since 2004. He's the one that has been in New York, England, Tennessee and California. He's the one that disrupts our relationship constantly. How can he expect that I wouldn't have reservations?

I guess things are better this way. I just wish I felt better.

Josh and I had a fight today. He accused me of keeping him at arms length. He's right. I admit he's right, but I have reason to protect myself. He keeps leaving. I'm scared to get too close. I can't stand having my heart broken over and over again.

I don't know what to do. He leaves again in a few days, and we're not together and we're not not together. It's so confusing. I don't know where we stand and I know that it's partially my fault because I'm holding back. I just can't give myself when I'm so unsure of where we stand.

It's times like this that I wish I had a crystal ball.

I'm freaking out. I know I'm freaking out but I can't stop myself. Josh is leaving again in a week and I'm freaking out. I just can't go through it again. He says it's only for a few weeks but I'm scared. Every time he goes, he takes a piece of my heart with him and I'm left heart broken. What if he doesn't come back? What if he gets out there and they convince him to stay?

Lets face it, his father is better. He doesn't have to stay home anymore. They convinced him to stay last winter when he was planning to leave. I just can't take the disappointment again. I've been holding him off at arm's length all summer because I'm scared.

I wish I knew what to do because I can't seem let myself go and be open to him.

Guess who is this year's winner of the Dancing Like the Stars competition?!?!?!?!?!? Raj and me!!!!! Woot Woot!!!

The whole night was perfect. Our Paso, and our Samba went great. Raj actually took to the Samba naturally which is rare. Our free style was to a song called "Om Mangalam." It's a song that I hear Anisha listening to when I had dinner at their house one night and I knew it was the perfect song. So we did a ballroom-bellydance-bhangra fusion to it. The crowd LOVED it. The judges said that it was hands down the best free style they had ever seen!

The All Star dance was awesome we danced to Beat It, Billie Jean and Wanna Be Starting Something. Billie Jean was so much fun. Josh and I started off behind a white sheet with a light behind us so that the audience could only see our shadows. Then when he walked out from behind the sheet, everyone went crazy because they all thought he wasn't going to dance. It was hard staying in character with them all getting so excited.

It was an awesome night. Afterward we had a party at Angelo's. Lots and lots of fun.

Today I slept in real late. I haven't had much time for sleep this week. By the time I hit the sheets last night I was completely beat. When I finally dragged myself out of bed this morning I went to the dance studio. I take official ownership of it on September 1st. I was walking around the place and I decided to renovate the two apartments above the studio. I was thinking I could live in one and maybe rent the other (still thinking about that because I'm not sure if anyone would like all the noise we make). So I've got a new project!!!!

Tonight I'm going out with Josh. We are going to celebrate my second win.

Raj and I are in the finals! It's our last week and we have three dances. We're doing the Paso Doble to "Cowboy Casanova" the Samba to "Fuego" and our free style is to a Bollywood song called "Om Mangalam." Raj has off all next week so we've got lots of time to rehearse. I'm so excited. I can feel victory right within my grasp. I want this win and Raj does too so we're going to be working hard.

I'm trying not to get too distracted by Josh. It's hard because his mere presence is a distraction, but he understands that I want to win and he respects that.

We also found out that his job in LA has been moved up. We thought he would be here until September 7th but now he's leaving August 29th. I haven't had time to freak out. I think I've been keeping him at arms length all summer because I don't want to get too emotionally attached and then have to say good-bye again. It kills me inside when he leaves. I know he says he'll be back, but what does that mean? Will he be back in Pennsylvania or will he be in New York? I guess we need to talk. There's just not a lot of time. I sleep, eat, go to the swim club and rehearse. Then I do it all again.

I guess things will work out one way or the other. They always do.

Yesterday was a busy day. Camp in the morning, rehearsals with Josh in the afternoon and rehearsals with Raj at night. It was a good day though...a very good day.

Josh and I were talking. He wanted to know about my intentions if we do an All Star competition next year. Would I choose him? Would I choose Raj? I said, "How do you not know by now that if you're a choice, you are always *the* choice?" He just smiled at me and said, "I guess I do know." I pressed him and he said, "Well, you do wear your heart on your sleeve." I told him that I do not.

So he walked over to me and said something like, "Come on, Nicole. Don't tell me that being close to me doesn't make you feel a certain way." I just looked at him and said, "What way is that?" He pulled me closer and said, "Your knees are a little weak. Your body temperature a little warmer. Your heart is pounding." I put my hand to his chest expecting his heart to be a steady thump but it was pounding too. I looked up at him and said, "What about your heart?" Then he said, "My heart loves you." So sweet. And then he kissed me.

Then I had to rehearse with Raj and I couldn't concentrate at all. I have no idea how I got through it. All I could think about was Josh.

I rehearsed all morning with Raj. We worked on our Tango. It's coming along well. This afternoon I rehearse for the group All Star number and then tonight it is back to rehearsals with Raj to work on our Mambo. I think I'm going to be exhausted.

Josh and I started work on our Cha Cha to "Billie Jean" last week. I'm excited about how well it's going. I think it's going to knock everyone's socks off. Josh's fans will be really excited because no one knows he's going to be dancing.

Well, not much time to blog. I have to grab some lunch and get ready for rehearsal #2.

My computer has been on the fritz. I finally got it back from the repair shop today but I have a feeling it won't last much longer. Now I'm trying to decide...mac or pc?

So things went well this week on the dance floor. I think it was our break through week. The dance was hot and fun and entertaining. I was really happy with how great it went. We're through to the next week and we're working on two dances now. We're doing the Tango to "El Choclo" and the Mambo to "La Pantera Mambo" (it's a Mambo that samples the theme from "The Pink Panther" - really fun!).

Mrs. Anderson got voted out of the competition this week. She seemed kind of relieved. I know she had fun but it was a lot of work for her. I asked Josh if he would still be coming to the shows. He said he'll be there to cheer me on.

Ocean City was a lot of fun last weekend, but it was hard for me to unwind when I was thinking about all of the rehearsal time I was missing. Still, I managed to have fun. And I beat Josh at our skee ball challenge!!!! :)