Josh and I were arguing...again. This time was pretty bad though and he's heading off to California and I just think that the special thing we once had is over. I just couldn't let go of my fears. We were together all summer and I kept him at a distance because I was scared and I couldn't shake it. He promised me last fall that he would move home and then when the time came to do so he stayed here. How can I trust that this time is different? It's always the same old story. We get together and then he leaves.

This time, though, he was really mad. It wasn't the gentle, understanding, "I'm-sorry-for-the-way-things-are" Josh. This was mad Josh. He told me that he'd had enough and that I had finally convinced him, after all of these weeks of hemming and hawing, that we are not meant to be together.

So fine. It's over. What can I do? I can't be with someone who is not around. And I don't think it's fair that he's putting this all on me. He's the one that leaves. I've been a resident of Pennsylvania since 2004. He's the one that has been in New York, England, Tennessee and California. He's the one that disrupts our relationship constantly. How can he expect that I wouldn't have reservations?

I guess things are better this way. I just wish I felt better.