It has been a busy Thanksgiving weekend, and I am finally getting to sit down and process it all now.

Wednesday night was my big night. I went to Angelo’s fully prepared to sing, but when I got there I started to chicken out. The guys were in one of their set breaks and Josh was talking to Laura (girl from a long time ago that followed him to England). I couldn’t help it - it really upset me. I told Alex that I didn’t want to sing.

A minute later Josh walked over to me and gave me a big hug and said, “I’m just going to keep my arms around you for a minute so that we can talk uninterrupted.” He pulled back enough to look at me and said, “I saw your face while I was talking to her and I realized I needed to come over here.” He then went on to say that spending time apart isn’t the answer. If we’re going to try to work things out we need to be together and he asked if he could stop over after they were finished for the night.

At this point I decided again that I would sing. I was pretty scared though. Alex gave me a really nice intro. He made Josh go sit in the audience and he told the story of why Josh stopped singing the song and said that they had someone special to sing it that night.

I was still debating whether I’d go out on stage, and Angelo practically had to push me. “If you do this, you and Josh will be back together in three minutes,” he told me. I was scared but I got out there. I started to sing and the look on Josh’s face was so sweet - he looked so happy. I also heard Lauren give a big cheer. It put me at ease momentarily, but then I started to feel really emotional. Alex walked up behind me and put his hand on my back for support but I started to feel like I was going to burst into tears. I saw Alex motion to Josh, and then Josh walked up on stage and sang the last verse of the song to me. Angelo was right - by the end of the song, Josh’s arms were wrapped around me and he was kissing me.

It was a great night.

I am going to do it. I’m scared out of my mind, but I’m going to sing to Josh tonight. Fingers crossed that it works...

I had coffee with Lauren yesterday afternoon. It was a pretty shocking conversation. Somehow we ended up talking about the engagement ring that Natalie found in Josh’s drawer last year. I asked her if she knew who it was for and she said it was for me! She said he bought it years ago when he was still in California - right before he moved home and started teaching. He wanted to buy it while he was making lots of money and figured he’d give it to me when the time was right, but the time hasn't ever been right.

So with that said... Lauren has been known to manipulate and stretch the truth a little... so I don’t know if I should trust this story or not. What if she’s making it up? She has always wanted me and Josh to be together. I don’t know what to think.

She told me that Josh is tired of waiting around for me and is starting to consider moving on. This I believe. I can tell that he’s feeling done.

Alex and I went out to dinner later in the evening and I was talking to him about Lauren’s story. He said he didn’t know anything about an engagement ring, but he did know that Josh hasn’t had any girlfriends serious enough for a ring. He said that if I love Josh I need to go for it.

I agreed with him but complained that I don’t know what to do. He had an idea...he thinks I should sing with the Doo Wop guys on Wednesday night. At the end of the set, he wants to send Josh into the audience and bring me out to sing “This I Swear.”

He confirmed that they used to call it “Nicole’s Song” and that Josh has refused to sing it since we broke up. He is convinced that this will get me back in Josh’s good graces.

I like the idea, but it really scares me to death. Getting up in front of all of those people and laying it on the line...Do I have the guts to do it?

I’m back in Pennsylvania. I got to Florida, and instead of feeling like I could clear my mind, I felt panicked - like leaving was going to be the very end of me and Josh for ever. I moped around for a few days. Lindsay mentioned that Josh was over at Aunt Lu’s house last weekend cleaning her gutters and it made me so sad that he would help her even though he and I aren’t together. On Thursday I worked up the courage and Facetimed him. We talked for a few minutes and I apologized for taking off. He agreed that we could talk some more when I got home.

I hopped a plane the next day and was home that night. Josh came over last night to talk. I told him how disappointed I was that he had to leave the dance competition and that I wanted him to stay in it so that we could stay connected. He said that we didn’t need the competition to stay connected and that he didn’t enter it to win a trophy, he entered it to win me.

He then went on to say that I was right that we didn’t know how to be in an adult relationship, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He said he needed time to sort it out, but that we could keep talking. So that’s where we left things.

I’m not feeling that good about it. I feel like I’ve lost him. I feel like I had his interest and now I’ve lost it, and I don’t know how to fix it. And I don’t know how we fall in love as adults and put the teenage romance behind us.

Josh and I had an explosive fight Wednesday night. It was bad. I was still mad at him for pulling out of the competition and then all of this stuff from the past came up. I was just so infuriated with him for all of the times he has left me to go to New York, or England or California. I was yelling at him, and then he started yelling at me about how he moved mountains to come home and put down roots here but it was “too little, too late” for me.

It was spiraling downward quickly and I found myself accusing him of breaking promises. He said that was “bull shit” and I reminded him how we promised that we’d always be together at Christmas but he broke the promise. Now all of this stuff was pre-2010 so I don’t even know why we were fighting but we were both so mad.

I finally said, “I can’t do this. I can’t do it, Josh. I can’t revert back to that old person that I once was. I don’t think we can have an adult relationship.” So we ended things...things that had barely begun.

Yesterday John called again and asked if I could come down to Florida for a few days to help out with a few financial decisions that we need to make. I figured “why not?” it’s not like I have a dance competition to be in anymore. I can’t teach any of my dance classes right now because of my ankle so I agreed to go.

I sent Josh a text and told him, “I’m going down to Florida for a bit.” We ended things so I thought I was being considerate by letting him know. He texted me back, “Sure, run away...again.”

He showed up at my door a couple hours later and apologized for our fight, but then got mad at me when I told him that I was still going to Florida. I tried to explain to him that it was only for a couple of weeks. He was acting like I was moving away forever. “You always just run away when things get tough,” he said.

I was really ticked. Yes, I have run away in the past, but it was after years of him coming and going. I just need time to think without him around. I’m in Florida now at my mom’s house and that’s what I plan to do...get some time and perspective.

Josh doesn’t want to dance in the competition without me so we are going to leave the competition tonight. I am really upset about it. I wanted him to continue on. I wanted him to keep dancing. We found another dancer to dance with him and she was willing to have me there for rehearsals and to give input on choreography but Josh refused.

He told me, “I didn’t enter this competition to win, I entered to dance with you. If I’m not dancing with you, I’m not dancing at all.” Sweet right? So why I am so mad?

I am just so mad. He explained to me that it would be weird to dance with someone else, and he thought I would feel weird watching him. He said that we wouldn’t really be spending time together because we’d always have a third person with us.

I am so angry and sad and disappointed right now.

I have been using this time that I have to be off my feet to work on some things for my dad’s business. John keeps asking me if I will consider returning to Florida. I love working down there, but I have my own business here and my family and friends are here. Josh is here. I can’t leave.

I haven’t had any luck convincing Josh to stay in the competition. They are going to use a video of our rehearsal to see if we can advance another week. I am hoping we get through and Josh will agree to dance with someone else. He was meant to win this competition. I can't let him back out.

I sprained my ankle. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I am so upset right now. It happened late yesterday afternoon. We were rehearsing and something went wrong and then agonizing pain. I can’t even put weight on it right now. Jason came over last night and looked at it and diagnosed it as a sprain but told me to go see my doctor in case they want to do X-rays. Josh is off from work today so he took me to see the doctor this morning and it is in fact a sprain and I can’t dance for four weeks. I can’t even begin to tell you how upset I am right now.

I really wanted Josh to win this competition and I’m devastated that we can’t dance together anymore. I didn’t even realize how much I had invested in this. It was my time to be with him, to reconnect with him, to figure out what we are to each other. I am trying to see if I can find him a new partner to help him get to the end of the competition so that I can dance in the finals with him. When I told him this, he didn’t seem to happy about it and said we need to think about that some more.

I just feel like this has brought out so many fears in me. I am so scared that we were connecting and we’ll lose it. I’m scared that he’s going to break my heart again. I feel like the insecure teenager that moved here almost twelve years ago and I can’t stand it, and that makes me scared too. What if being with Josh makes me act like I did back then? What if I can’t have an adult relationship with him because all we know is how to be teenagers together?

I am in total freak out mode right now. I am stuck sitting on my couch with my leg elevated and nothing to do but freak out, and my mind is just playing out everything bad that has happened and can happen. I am so scared that Adult Nicole and Adult Josh don’t really know each other. What if we’re just dredging up an old romance and it was never meant to work? But when I imagine the big moments in my life, I imagine him there. He’s the only one I can see.

Okay, I need to stop. Josh went out to get some things and he’ll be back soon and I need to be calm and collected so that we can discuss the competition.

Josh and I rehearsed all day yesterday. It was a long day but I’m feeling pretty good about this dance. We’re ahead of our usual progress at this point in the week so I’m not stressing over it.

He was getting tired by the end of the day and convinced me to take a dinner break. We went over to his apartment and cooked together. I was impressed that he’s gotten pretty good in the kitchen, and the food tasted great.

After dinner he twisted my arm into staying and watching a movie instead of going back to rehearsals. I don’t normally like to slack on rehearsal because we have such limited time but we were exhausted and the dance is coming along really well. We ended up watching “Pitch Perfect 2,” which really wasn’t that good, but we sat close, shared popcorn and about halfway through, he took my hand. At that point, I couldn’t even really focus on the movie. I just kept thinking how good it felt to hold hands. I kept thinking, “if it feels this good to just sit here holding hands, then how can I even question whether or not I’m still in love with him?”

He walked me home and I kept wondering if we had just had a date and where things were going. “I want more nights like this,” he told me when we got to my door. I told him that I did too and then he kissed me all I could think is “I love this man.”

When he pulled away, he said, “you remember this kiss now, okay?” I laughed and nodded and then said, “but not because it’s our final kiss ever.” He smiled at me and said, “not by a long shot.”

We rehearsed last night for several hours. Josh knows the East Coast Swing pretty well so I was happy that I didn’t have to go through introductory steps. We were able to jump in to learning the choreography pretty quickly. It was a good rehearsal, but we’re both feeling pretty sore from the non-stop dancing.

We took a late evening break to go get some Chinese food with Natalie and Jason. It was fun going out and having fun, and Natalie didn’t say anything to embarrass me this time.

Josh walked me home after dinner. When we got to the door we said goodnight and I started inside. He grabbed my hand and said, “I just want to clarify something: there’s a difference between the last time we kissed and the final time we’ll ever kiss.” I just looked at him not really knowing what to say. I wasn’t sure where he was going, but he continued. “What we had last weekend was the last time we kissed, not the final time we’ll ever kiss. Okay?” I have to admit that I was pretty surprised by this but I nodded and said, “Okay.” He smiled then and said, “okay” and then he left.

So the last time we kissed wasn’t the last time ever. I wonder when the next time will be.

The past few days have gone by in a blur. Lots of rehearsal for the competition - to the point where I’m in pain. It’s been 70 degrees here so on Tuesday night, Josh suggested we drive over to his parents’ house to use the hot tub after rehearsals. We went over there and I wondered if he was expecting anything to happen in that hot tub, but his mom ended up coming outside and sitting next to the hot tub and talking to us.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk and listening to the song that Josh sang at the bonfire the other night, “Come A Little Closer.” I was kind of daydreaming and listening to the song when I realized that someone was standing in the doorway. It was Josh. He had stopped by the dance studio to see me.

He smiled at me and said, “You’re listening to ‘Come A Little Closer.’”

I am sure I turned all shades of red. I played it off as “I’ve been listening to Dierks Bentley since you sang his song - it reminded me that I like his music” so that he didn’t think I was just playing that one song on a loop. Thankfully, another Dierks Bentley song came on right after it.

He was grinning though and I’m pretty sure he thought I was listening to the song and daydreaming about him, which may or may not have been the case...

We danced our Quickstep last night and it went so well. I couldn’t imagine it going any better than it did. It was fun and danced perfectly. We were both really happy with the way it went. We are doing the East Coast Swing to “Dear Future Husband” this coming week. I’m excited. It’s a great song and now that we’ve hit our stride, I know we’re going to knock everyone’s socks off!

We spent hours rehearsing yesterday. My feet, my legs, and my back are so achy. This isn’t as easy as it was eight years ago.

After a very long rehearsal, Josh offered to buy me dinner so we headed into town to get something to eat. We went to a pretty casual restaurant so what happened was a little weird. We were sitting there, and a mom was there with her three kids and they were kind of noisy but not misbehaving or anything. The man at the table next to her started yelling at her and was telling her to shut her kids up. Josh told him to knock it off and leave her alone. The waitress came over and told the woman that if she couldn’t keep her kids under control they would have to leave. Josh and I were shocked. This poor woman was just trying to eat and the kids weren’t that bad - and it wasn’t like we were in a 5 star restaurant. Josh told her that the man at the next table was way more loud and obnoxious than the kids, and if the restaurant made them leave, we would be leaving too. A few other customers chimed in that they would also leave. The obnoxious guy ended up getting up and going. I was so proud of Josh for standing up for that woman.

Our food arrived and we were eating and I looked across the table at him and realized how proud I was to be sitting with this amazing person, and it hit me pretty hard - he’s my one. He’s got my heart, he’s always had it.

He walked me inside when we got back to my apartment. “I’ve been thinking about our conversation from last night,” he said when we got inside, “and I think I know how to fix the problem of us not remembering our last kiss.” I was a bit puzzled so I said, “okay…” He took my hand and pulled me toward him. He looked in my eyes and then he kissed me. I know it didn’t last long, but it felt like time stood still for a minute because somehow I managed to take in everything about that moment - the warmth of his embrace, the smell of his skin, the softness of his lips… After he pulled away he pressed his forehead against mine and said, “Now we know when our last kiss was.”

It’s all I can think about today.

Last night was the Halloween Bonfire. It was a fun night. Josh and Alex pulled out the guitars and sang a few songs. They did “Ain’t Nothing ‘Bout You” - a song that Josh once dedicated to me. He also sang a song called “Come A Little Closer” by Dierks Bentley. I have to admit that sitting across the fire from him and listening to him sing that song kind of made me want to go jump into his arms.

After the singing was over, I went and sat down next to him. I told him I liked the songs and we sat there talking, and then we realized that we were the only ones left. I told him about the Grey’s Anatomy episode and he looked at me like “why is she talking about this?” and I explained how it made me realize that I can’t remember the last time we kissed. He was quiet for a minute and then he took my hand and said, “I can’t remember either. I do remember the first time we kissed though.” I laughed and asked him “which first time?” He laughed too and said, “all of them.”

Then he went on to say that our real first kiss is definitely high on his list of best kisses. I interrupted him and said, “You mean it’s not the best?”

He told me that the best kiss was after we had a big fight by the pool. “You know, when you pushed me in the pool,” he said. I shook my head, “I did not push you in the pool!” He laughed, “you so pushed me in the pool!” (I don’t remember pushing him in the pool, but I just went back and read my blog entry from that day and I did push him in...oops!)

We couldn’t agree about whether I pushed him in the pool, but I did agree that it’s my #1 kiss too. We kind of just sat looking at each other for a minute. I could tell he was thinking something but he didn’t say. I asked him how many other girls have made his list of top kisses. He said, “No other girls. You’re the only one on that list.” He got quiet again and looked like he was trying to figure out what to do next.

Mr. Anderson walked out and said he wanted to put the fire out. Josh wanted to stick around and help his parents clean up so I left and I still don’t know what he was going to say.