I sprained my ankle. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I am so upset right now. It happened late yesterday afternoon. We were rehearsing and something went wrong and then agonizing pain. I can’t even put weight on it right now. Jason came over last night and looked at it and diagnosed it as a sprain but told me to go see my doctor in case they want to do X-rays. Josh is off from work today so he took me to see the doctor this morning and it is in fact a sprain and I can’t dance for four weeks. I can’t even begin to tell you how upset I am right now.

I really wanted Josh to win this competition and I’m devastated that we can’t dance together anymore. I didn’t even realize how much I had invested in this. It was my time to be with him, to reconnect with him, to figure out what we are to each other. I am trying to see if I can find him a new partner to help him get to the end of the competition so that I can dance in the finals with him. When I told him this, he didn’t seem to happy about it and said we need to think about that some more.

I just feel like this has brought out so many fears in me. I am so scared that we were connecting and we’ll lose it. I’m scared that he’s going to break my heart again. I feel like the insecure teenager that moved here almost twelve years ago and I can’t stand it, and that makes me scared too. What if being with Josh makes me act like I did back then? What if I can’t have an adult relationship with him because all we know is how to be teenagers together?

I am in total freak out mode right now. I am stuck sitting on my couch with my leg elevated and nothing to do but freak out, and my mind is just playing out everything bad that has happened and can happen. I am so scared that Adult Nicole and Adult Josh don’t really know each other. What if we’re just dredging up an old romance and it was never meant to work? But when I imagine the big moments in my life, I imagine him there. He’s the only one I can see.

Okay, I need to stop. Josh went out to get some things and he’ll be back soon and I need to be calm and collected so that we can discuss the competition.