I went to the Anderson's house last night to help Lauren. It was weird being in Josh's house but Lauren was nagging me all day to help her sort out her clothes for school. I think she's nervous about starting high school.

I actually got a chance to talk to her mom for a while. Mrs. Anderson is a career coach and she needs some extra help around the office. She asked me if I'd like to work for her a few days a week after school. I'm so excited - I'll be making some extra money and working for someone that I already know!

She also started talking to me about Josh! She told me that he's staying with his uncle on the Upper East side and that he's having a hard time finding an apartment. She said it's tough getting around up there right now with all of the protestors and he's kind of frustrated. She told me that she wished he would live at home a little longer and commute to school because he only has classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I didn't tell her that I wished the same thing.

Even though I didn't want to go to Josh's house, it turned out to be a good night. There's something about that house... it's warm and there's a lot of love there. It's everything my parent's house never was. Aunt Lu's house is like the Anderson's but there's no family there so I think that's what makes the Anderson's house extra special.

Anyway, I'm still missing Josh but I'm starting to feel a little more upbeat. I'm excited about working for his mom.

Well, speaking of work, I need to get ready to head over to the swim club. The snack bar is awaiting my arrival.

They sent me home from work. It's raining and they closed the pool so there wasn't much to do. The weather is kind of matching my mood. It's dreary out and I'm bummed about Josh being away.

I just can't get him out of my head! (I'm not trying to sound like a Kylie song.) I hated being at work without him there. I miss him so much!

Why didn't I tell him how I feel? Why didn't I hold onto him and not let go?

The most amazing human being I have ever come in contact with has walked out of my life and there is nothing I can do about it.

Last night when I got home, I sat on my bed smelling the dress that I wore on the dinner cruise because there's a slight trace of his cologne on it. Is that pathetic or what?

I really wish Molly were around (she's on vacation). I think she would help take my mind off of things. Lauren asked me to help her pick out some clothes for school tonight. I'm just worried that being at Josh's house with his family might be too hard for me.

I'm back in Pennsylvania. I wanted to be back here so badly, but without Josh here, it doesn't seem the same. His classes don't start until next week, but I know he's in New York. He was planning to go up a week early.

I know he wants to be up there, but part of me still hopes that he couldn't find housing and he'll have to commute from here. I can't help but wish with every beat of my heart that he'll still be here.

I'm so confused. Part of me wishes that I had told him how I feel when I had the chance to say it. The other part of me knows it would have done no good. I mean, he's in college now and I'm just some girl next door from Florida that he really doesn't have any history with and who is still in high school. It's not like he's going to drop everything to try to have a relationship with me.

I wonder if I'll start to get over him now that he's gone. I wonder if I'll meet other guys who will make me forget about him. I need to forget about him. I know that. I just don't want to. I don't want to not feel this way about someone - even if he doesn't feel it too.

Well, I need to get ready for work. It's back to the snack bar until the end of the summer.

Okay, the reason I've been MIA for a few days is because I've been on a cruise with Natalie's family. We had so much fun and (for the most part) I wasn't thinking about and pining over Josh. Natalie and I both met some guys on the ship. They were Luke and David. Nat and Luke really hit it off. David was nice, but I didn't want a "Love Boat" romance. I really wanted Josh, but at least it was nice to not be thinking about him constantly.

When I got back home (home in FL) I was thinking about him a lot. I want to see him so badly! I want to call him so badly...but I think he's already at school. :(

I don't have much time to write. I'm waiting for my mom to finish a business call and then she's taking Natalie, my cousin, Tina and I to Disney World for two days! Yippie - means more time away from my dad!

I head back to Pennsylvania on Sunday.

I've been enjoying my time in Florida, but I kind of wish I were in PA. I can't stop thinking about Josh. I was down at the beach last night writting his name in the sand...pathetic, I know... he's probably getting ready to leave for school. It drives me crazy - the thought that I won't see him again soon.

Aunt Lu called me a little while ago to tell me about my flowers. Josh brought me a rose on Friday night for the play, and then on Saturday he bought me eleven more to make it a dozen. They were beautiful but I was bummed that I can't enjoy them. I wanted to bring them to Florida but Aunt Lu said they wouldn't survive the trip. Anyway, she called to tell me that she's going to dry them for me so that I can have them when I get home.

Gotta get going...we're going to the Flying Bridge tonight - one of my favorite places!!!

Sorry it's been a few days. I was travelling on Sunday. I'm in Florida now. It's nice being down here. This is the weather I'm used to. I miss Pennsylvania though...I miss my campers, I miss Aunt Lu, I miss Josh...

Let's start with Friday night. I was a nervous wreck when I first got there because I had a hard time getting a hold of my mom. Aunt Lu was backstage with me when my mom called her cell phone. Mom told us that they weren't hit too hard by the hurricane - huge relief.

The play was a huge success. The kids were great!

After the play I went out for ice cream with a bunch of the swim club and camp staff - Josh included.

Saturday was the dinner cruise...it was amazing. It was rainy but it didn't ruin the fun. Josh and I sat at a table with Terry, Molly and some other people we know from the club. Dinner was great but dancing was even better. Josh held me so close during the slow songs. Being close to him is the most amazing feeling in the world. I felt so warm and safe in his arms.

When we got close to Manhattan, Josh grabbed the umbrella and gave me his suit jacket to keep me warm. He then ushered me outside so that I wouldn't miss seeing the Manhattan skyline. We went out on the top deck and stood under the umbrella together.

He pointed out where the WTC used to be, and showed me the area that his school was in. He pointed out the Empire State Building. We also went past the Statue of Liberty as the boat went around the bottom of the island. I must have been in awe because Josh kept looking at me and smiling.

We were talking about him going to school and then somehow the conversation changed to Jennifer...it was kind of weird. He asked me if I had backed away from him because of Jennifer! I don't know how he knew...except that maybe Molly shared her suspicions with him or Alex told him. I didn't want to cause problems with Jennifer so I tried to talk around it but he wasn't buying it. He definitely knows Jennifer told me to stay away from him.

I asked him why he thought that and he went on about when we went to the Phillies game for his sister's birthday. He said I seemed happy that night and then all of a sudden I was distant and there was sadness in my eyes. I was surprised that he saw that.

I told him that I didn't want to get in the way if there was something between him and Jennifer. He said there never was anything more than friendship between them, and if Jennifer said otherwise it was only wishful thinking. It was a relief to hear him say that.

We were standing out there looking at the city and talking for a while. At one point his face was like an inch from mine and I thought he was going to kiss me but then this big bolt of lightening flashed and there was thunder and Josh rushed me downstairs and back inside the boat before I even knew what happened.

We had dessert inside and danced some more. The storm made the boat a little shaky and Molly was getting sea sick so I sat with her for fifteen minutes because she didn't feel good enough to dance.

One the ride home from the dinner cruise Josh and I talked about my trip to Florida. He was asking me about Sarasota. We also talked about how he'd be away at school by the time I got back. It was a little sad.

When we got home he walked me to the door. We talked a little longer...I didn't want him to leave... Finally he stepped toward me and kissed me on the cheek - yep, only the cheek - but it was sweet.

I was exhausted Sunday morning, and I had to get up early for my flight to Florida. I sat on the plane and stared out the window the whole trip wishing that Josh wasn't going away.

When I got to Florida my mom and dad were there to pick me up. My dad was sober. Thank God! We went out to Lido Beach and had dinner at one of the hotels out there.

Yesterday Natalie and I spent the day at the beach. I filled her in on everything going on with me. She filled me in on life in Sarasota. It was kind of weird though...It's strange to hear about all my old friends, and not to be part of their lives anymore.

This morning I slept in and then sat out by the pool. I was staring at the water thinking about Josh when the phone rang - it was Molly! Her cat died and she was really upset. I felt bad because I'm too far away to really help her feel better.

Okay, I'm really starting to freak out about his hurricane. I don't understand why my mom didn't go to the shelter! I'm looking at the map of this hurricane and it's scary and it seems so close to Sarasota!!!!

I've been looking forward to tonight for a long time...but now I think I'm going to be worrying through the whole thing! :(

Say a prayer for my family and friends in Florida for me...

Grrr...I need to vent. I just got off the phone with my mother again. My dad decided not to evacuate and she's staying with him. I called Natalie's house and there was no answer so I'm thinking that her family had the good sense to evacuate. I'm worried. I heard the storm was upgraded to a category 4 storm, but other news reports show that Sarasota isn't going to get hit as hard as originally expected.

This is just what I need right now. I should be worrying about the play tonight and instead I have to worry about my family because my stupid father is a moron! Grrr...

Okay, deep breath and good thoughts...

Ugh, I'm kind of worried about what I'm going to find in Florida when I get there on Sunday. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that I will get there on Sunday! My mom called early this morning and said they are trying to decide whether or not to evacuate the house due to the hurricane. If it's really going to be as bad as they say it's going to be I think they should evacuate. My father's being his usual disagreeable self and insisting that they stay at the house. I told my mom to leave him there and go to a shelter...but she'll never do that.

I was up with the birds this morning. I have so much stuff going on. I have to finish packing, and I can't stop thinking about the play tonight and the dinner cruise tomorrow. I just hope the rain takes a break long enough for me to go out on the deck of the boat and see the NYC skyline. I can't wait!

Things with the play are looking great - thank goodness! We had our dress rehearsal today. The kids knew their lines and where they were supposed to stand. They were able to change costumes in a timely manner. I'm feeling really good about it now.

Yesterday Josh came to the rehearsals and helped us out. We were all eating lunch together and Kristen (the little girl from the other day) asked us again if Josh and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I said to her, "Why? Do you want to go out with Josh?" She screamed and ran away. I didn't think she'd be asking that question anymore until I got to work this morning and heard her asking Lauren! What's up with this kid? Where did she get the idea that Josh and I are boyfriend and girlfriend? I hope she doesn't ask me in front of Josh again...

This morning during swimming lessons, Josh and Terry were trying to teach the kids how to dive. I was trying to help by showing, Marrisa, one of my campers the proper form. She wasn't getting it so I stripped down to my bathing suit and dove in. Well, when I emerged, Josh and Terry were looking at me surprised, and Terry was like, "I didn't know you could dive like that!" I told them I used to be on the swim team in Florida. I mean, in Florida you're in the pool almost every day!

I am going out of my mind with excitement over the cruise on Saturday night. Josh will be my date and I won't have to share him with anyone! Even if it's only for one night, I'm going to be his girl.

Last night I got home from painting the set with Molly and found Aunt Lu having desert with Aunt Linda and Lindsay. I went into the kitchen and sat down with them and Aunt Lu told me that Josh had stopped by to see me and was going to come by again. I practically started to freak out. I wanted to call him but Aunt Linda told me to play it cool.

I probably should have kept my mouth shut because Lindsay was there and I know she doesn't like me going after Josh, but I kept going on and on about him.

About twenty minutes after I got home Josh came back over and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk.

We walked through the neighborhood and he was telling me about how his mother is driving him nuts about moving to NY. She's freaked out about the terrorist warnings and wants him to stay in PA until the spring semester. She wants him to go to the community college. Josh isn't too happy with her because he really wants to go to NY, but he still doesn't have housing so he's not sure what's going to happen.

Part of me wants him to go because I know he'll be happy, but part of me wants him to stay because that will make me happy. Am I selfish or what?

We walked to a little playground which is about four blocks from home. We played on the swings and then we just sat on the swings talking for awhile. He grabbed the chain of my swing and pulled me close to him. I don't know why and I don't know what he was planning to do, but a police officer pulled up and told us that the park was closed and we couldn't stay there! Grrr...

Today was good. Molly helped with rehearsals all day. It was a huge help to have another person there to help supervise the kids. It's hard to baby sit and direct at the same time!

During the kids' lunch break I was sitting on a bench with Josh and one of the campers came over to us and was like, "Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?" I almost died of embarrassment but I think I handled it well. I just said, "Josh and I are friends." She kind of smirked at us and walked away. Josh just laughed it off so I guess I shouldn't worry about it.

That's all for now. I have to go back to the club tonight. Jill and I are closing. Fun, fun!

I just got home from rehearsals. It's been a stressful day. The kids want to play and I understand that, it's summer camp after all. But it's so frustrating because we have a play to put on at the end of the week! By the time rehearsals were over I was ready to pull my hair out. I actually broke down in tears after the kids left. Josh was there (he was driving Lauren and I home) and he helped to calm me down. He said he is off Wednesday afternoon and will come to rehearsal to help out. I also talked to Molly and Henry who offered to put in some time to help me keep the kids under control. Things are looking up. I just have to keep my cool.

The weekend was fun. The staff talent show was awesome! I sang Jessica Simpson's song, "In This Skin" and dedicated it to my campers. They loved it. Josh pretty much stole the show though - not that anyone's surprised. The guy is so talented. It amazes me that he's not famous. He did an Elvis medley that had everyone dancing and cheering.

After the show the staff went out to eat. Molly's best friend, Kelly came. She's also Josh's ex. But she's dating Josh's best friend, Jason, so I know she's not going to try to move in on him again. I always had the impression that she was kind of snotty, but she turned out to be pretty nice. I guess it goes to show that you shouldn't judge people until you actually meet them and talk to them.

I worked all day yesterday and Saturday. No Josh on Saturday but he was there yesterday. Working had been good though, I need as much money as I can get with my trip to Florida less than a week away.

After work on Saturday I went to see "Little Black Book" with Lindsay and Alex. It was so good to get Lindsay out of the house. Having Alex around has helped. She seems to be coming out of her depression a little. I think things will be even better when Jennifer returns. I think she's due back next week.

Josh drove me home from work yesterday and told me he had to take Lauren and her friend, Ashley, out for ice cream after dinner - he asked me if I wanted to join them! We ended up going to Friendly's. Lauren and Ashley were going on and on about Terry (one of the lifeguards). They think he's the "hottest guy" they've ever seen. Josh and I got a kick out of listening to them.

That pretty much brings me back to the present. I have so much stuff to do! I'm going back to the swim club around 5:00. Molly gets off work then and is going to help me paint some of the set for the play.

Tomorrow Aunt Lu is taking me shopping to get some things that I'll need for my trip. Friday night is the play. Saturday night is the dinner cruise up to New York, and then on Sunday I leave for Florida. I'm going on a four night cruise to the Bahamas with Natalie and then spending the rest of the time with my parents in Sarasota.

I'm looking forward to going home, but I know that when I get back Josh will be gone. Who knows when I'll see him again. It might be Thanksgiving before he comes home. :( That's why I'm trying to make the most of the time I have left with him.

Lindsay drove me over to the swim club this morning so that I could pay for the bachelor auction. When I got there I went to the office and saw one of the directors, Jill. I told her I wanted to pay, so she got out the auction file and looked at it confused. I asked her what was wrong and she said that my bid on Josh had already been paid for! I asked her if she was sure and she said that it had been paid for in cash yesterday! So I'm thinking, what the heck?

Lindsay and I left the office to find Henry. I figured he might know what happened since he was working in the office all day yesterday. I found him in the snack bar and he yelled at me for not being home resting. And then he was like, "Thank God they didn't sting that perfect face!" Then he got serious and said, "You're not here to work are you? You need to rest up for the talent show tonight." I explained why I was there and he looked like he didn't want to tell me something so I kept pressing him on who paid. He said, "You need to talk to Josh about that."

Lindsay looked like she was getting impatient. It was supposed to be a five minute trip to the swim club that had turned into a half hour. She told me she was going to get a snack and I should go find Josh - fast.

I went out to search around the pools. I was sure he had told me he was working all day so I knew he had to be there but I couldn't find him. I walked back to the office and asked Jill if she had seen him. She said he just arrived and was in the back. So I went into the back where Josh was eating Donuts.

He seemed surprised to see me and gave me the same lecture that Henry gave me: "how do you feel?"... "you should be resting"... "what are you doing here?"...

I asked him about the auction. He said that he, Alex, Molly, Lauren, Henry, Aunt Lu and even Natalie had chipped in to pay for it! I was shocked! No one has ever done something like that for me before...I thanked him and gave him a hug. (Loved the hug!)

He walked me over to the snack bar to find Lindsay. I thanked Henry too, and then they both yelled at me to go home and rest up for tonight. So I'm home, taking medicine, keeping an eye on the stings and getting ready for the show tonight.

At what point did my life become a WB teen drama? The past few days have been like a scene taken from a script.

I felt so embarrassed after yesterday. I slept horribly last night. I couldn't stop thinking about Josh and how he must have thought I was an idiot. I so wanted to call out sick on Thursday, but I couldn't...the kids were counting on me and the play is next Friday.

Yesterday morning three of my girls got promoted in their swimming lessons. Josh is now their teacher. Swimming lesson time was not fun. I didn't feel like talking to him, yet he was the one who just happened to be testing my girls to see what progress they were making. I had to help him with the testing. It was awkward and I was in a grumpy mood.

When swimming was over Lauren asked me if I was okay. She told me that Josh was relieved that he didn't have to go on the dinner cruise with Wendy, but it didn't really make me feel any better.

When camp was over I wanted to hightail it out of there, but I got cornered outside of the swim club by Wendy. That girl is perhaps the most mean spirited, nasty human being I have ever come in contact with. She started telling me off. I tried to walk past her but she kept getting up in my face. She must have been pretty loud because she started drawing attention to us. One of the lifeguards, Terry, came running out of the office to see what the commotion was. He told Wendy to back off but she pushed me and I fell back into a tree.

This is where I start to forget what happened. Apparently when I fell back, I disrupted a bees nest and the bees were not taking it lightly. A swarm of bees came at me and started stinging me. Terry told me to run and jump in the pool, but I was so far away from the pool.

My snack bar co-worker, Betsy, heard the commotion and came running out the back door of the snack bar, and started trying to swat the bees away. She got stung too. Terry turned on a hose and ended up hosing us down.

I don't remember much of it because I suddenly felt really nauseous and thought I was going to start throwing up. At some point Henry and Josh came out because I remember Henry telling Terry to call 911. Josh was sitting beside me and I was scared but I knew that I'd be okay because he'd take care of me. He kept asking me if I had bee sting allergies. I told him that I've been stung many times before and never had any problems (at least I think that's what I told him). I really only remember saying, "I don't feel so good."

Terry came back with the camp nurse and said that an ambulance was on the way. I told them I didn't need it. For some reason I thought I was going to be fine so I tried to stand up to prove it to them and suddenly felt really weak and nauseous. The nurse made me sit down and started asking me questions about if I was allergic, what my symptoms where. She had medicine and an epi-pen but she didn't use them. I'm not even sure if I answered her questions right. I don't think I was making much sense.

The next thing I knew I was in the ambulance and they were taking me to the hospital. They gave me a shot - not sure if it was an epi-pen. It's all such a haze and I know at lot of things happened that I don't really recall.

I started to feel better once at the hospital and they had run tests, etc. The doctor said that I didn't have an allergic reaction, I had just had a reaction to having so much venom in my system at one time. He said that my symptoms would have been different if I had gone into anaphylactic shock.

Aunt Lu came in to see me and chided me for giving her a scare. She told me that Josh was outside and wanted to see me.

She left and he came in. He asked me how I was feeling. I asked him if he was mad at me. He looked confused and sad no. I started to tell him I was sorry about the auction but he shhh-ed me and told me not to worry about that.

I couldn't help it though, I kept going on about how I shouldn't have bid and that I felt like and idiot, and if he really wanted me to rescind the bid I would. He was like, "Are you kidding? And leave me stranded with Wendy? No way. You're stuck with me."

He handles things so well, because it made us both laugh and really broke the ice. He asked me what set Wendy off and I told him that it was about the auction. I told him it was pretty obvious that she liked him, and he rolled his eyes and said she was obnoxious.

I asked him one last time if he was sure about us going on the dinner cruise. He nodded and said that he didn't want me to rescind the bid and that he knew I had never seen the New York City skyline and he wanted to be there with me when I did. It was really sweet.

The doctor came in then with Aunt Lu and said that I could get ready to leave. Aunt Lu brought dry clothes for me to change into. The three of them left the room for me to change out of the hospital gown. I went into the bathroom and almost had a heart attack when I saw myself in the mirror. I had eye makeup all over my face. My hair was stringy and a mess. I looked like a drowned rat!

I managed to clean up somewhat before walking out. Josh hung around while we checked out and then asked Aunt Lu if he could drive me home. On the ride home he told me that Betsy had been stung twice but she was okay. He also told me that Henry fired Wendy and told her not to return to the club under any circumstances. Yikes! Apparently, Terry told her that he had seen Wendy push me into the bees nest.

When we got home Molly was waiting for me on the front porch. She had heard what happened and wanted to see how I was. Aunt Lu wouldn't let me talk for long because she said I needed to rest.

So that was my day of drama.

Oh God! I made a huge mistake!

It went like this:

Lindsay and I arrived at the bachelor auction. Lindsay wasn't really very happy with me because she has no interest in any guy right now. We got there and I found Molly and asked her if she needed any help. She said she had everything under control, so Lindsay and I went out in front of the stage and stood with the crowd.

The auction started and the guys were going for $50-$75 dollars. One guy went for $100. Well, then Josh came out...and I guess you know where I'm going with this.

The first bid was for $20 from Wendy (yick!).

The second bid was for $25 from this other girl who is a member of the swim club and I see her eyeing Josh all the time.

The third bid was from another random girl for $30.

Well, Wendy and the second bidder get into a bidding war over Josh. (The third girl dropped out of the bidding early on.)

The price on Josh was up to $150! Wendy was winning.

I was getting nervous. I didn't really want either of the girls to win him, but I especially didn't want Wendy to win.

Molly was like, "Josh, you're the most expensive bachelor so far today! Do I hear $155?" She looked at the girl who shook her head, so Molly was like, "Anyone $155?"

No one answered. I must have been squirming because Lindsay leaned over to me and said, "Don't even think about it!"

So Molly started to say that Wendy had won Josh when I suddenly I felt like my body had been taken over and I had no control of myself because my hand shot up and I yelled out, "$155!"

I looked at Josh and he looked shocked. Wendy looked shocked. Molly looked shocked. Lindsay grabbed my arm and started hissing at me that I couldn't afford this.

Well, Wendy wasn't about to lose. She and I kept bidding, and the price was going up and up, but I couldn't stop myself! I couldn't let Josh get stuck with that...THING! But as the price went up I saw that Wendy was getting nervous and I had the feeling she was just trying to jack up the price so that I would have to pay a lot. I ended up winning. $205 for a date with Josh.

Lindsay looked beside herself. She kept telling me that I couldn't afford this, and she's right. That $205 was for Florida. Now I'm going to have to call my mom and beg for her to buy my plane ticket!

It gets worse though because when I looked at Josh he didn't look too happy. After the auction I was trying to hightail it out of there before I had to explain myself to him, but he ran over to me and pulled me aside and told me to rescind my bid. I was crushed.

I asked him why he didn't want to be my date. He said, "You've been working all summer for money to fly home to Florida. Why should you spend $205 to go out with me? If you had just told me, I would have skipped the auction, bought two tickets to the cruise and we could have gone together at no cost to you!" The cruise tickets are $35 and are offered to people who wanted to go but didn't want to be part of the auction.

I told him that if I rescinded the bid, it would go to Wendy. I also told him that I didn't feel right about rescinding the bid since the profits of the event go towards a scholarship for the summer camp.

He said he was flattered, but didn't understand why I did what I did. I told him that I don't like Wendy and I didn't want him to get stuck with her, and I told him that I really wanted to go to New York - which wasn't entirely false, but it wasn't my real motivation, and I think he knew that.

We ended the conversation on a good note, but I feel like such a fool. He probably thinks I'm nuts! And he probably knows that I want him. I mean, the second most expensive bachelor (Josh was the most expensive) went for $105. That's a huge difference.

I'm such a dork.

Some times I wish I were a kid again. Well, sort of. I love my mother, but if I had to go back to being a kid again, I'd want to live in Pennsylvania and be raised by Aunt Lu. I know you're thinking: WHAT?!?!?!?

Pennsylvania is beginning to grow on me...slowly...and though I miss my friends in Florida, I realize that this is the place for me to be. I need the stability and safety that comes with living with Aunt Lu. Things at my parents house are too volatile.

Anway, the reason I want to go back to being a kid is because things are easy when you're a kid. You skin your knee, you put a band-aid on it. Things are so much harder when you become a teenager. Band-aids don't mend broken hearts.

I was up all last night thinking about Josh, and how he's leaving. I can't stop thinking of a way to get close to him before we go our separate ways. I've been thinking a lot about prom night, and about the way I felt when I danced with him. It was only one dance, but I can't forget it. I want that feeling again. I want that feeling even if I know that he's leaving and it won't last. I just don't want to miss out on a chance to feel that connection with someone.

It's so frustrating. I should just resign myself to the fact that it's not going to happen. I need to learn to let go.

The Village was so good! I loved it...of course, I love anything that requires me to sit in the dark with Josh. Too bad Alex was there too. I shouldn't say that. I love Alex, but I really really really want to spend some time alone with Josh.

He drove me home after the movie. I was hoping to talk to him a little but he was tired and said good night pretty quickly. I keep listening to the Sarah McLachlan CD's my mom got me and the song, "I Love You" keeps jumping out at me. It's about wanting to tell the person you love that you love them, but you never get the chance. It's really about that unattainable person, I guess. There's a few lines that keep reminding me of Josh:

Oh and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say and you
just walk away
And I forgot to tell you I love you

I grieve in my conditionfor I cannot find the strength to say I need
you so

"A breath between us could be miles..." It drives me nuts because he can be right next to me, and it feels like he's so far away. It's all I can do to keep my cool when he's around. Trying to hold back what I feel when all I want to do is be in his arms is torture. It's so hard pretending that I don't feel this way, but what can I do? I'm not about to go throw myself at the guy!

There's no use even thinking about it, because Josh and I aren't going to happen. How could we? I'm leaving for a two week vacation in two weeks, and when I get back, Josh will be in New York. There's not much time for something to happen, and if it did it wouldn't amount to much.

I know I should forget him. I know I should give up, but I want so bad to find a way to spend some time with him before we go our separate ways. I can't stop thinking of how I could make it happen, but time is closing in on me and I know that it's almost time for good-bye.

This is going to be a busy week. On Wednesday I'm helping Molly with the bachelor auction. I'm dragging Lindsay along. I'm hoping that she might be inspired to bid on one of the guys.

Friday night is the swim club staff talent show. I told my campers that they all have to be there. I'm singing my own version of Jessica Simpson's song, "In This Skin." I see so many of my girls worried about their looks and their weight - and they're so young! I like the message of the song - to feel beautiful in your own skin - so I'm dedicating it to them.

Alex stopped by the swim club today to see me - he is so tan. I'm jealous. My campers asked if he was my boyfriend. I told them that we're just friends, and one of the girls was like, "Duh! Josh is her boyfriend!" I told her that Josh and I are just friends too, but I have to wonder what gave them that idea...

Anyway, after camp was over I went to work at the snack bar. Alex must have been walking around talking to people because he came wandering into the snack bar with Josh. They were talking about The Village and asked me if I wanted to go see it with them tonight. Like I was going to say no! :)

Aunt Lu told me not to make any plans for Saturday because she wanted me to go to a church function with her. I like the people from the church - especially when Josh's family is there - but I wasn't looking forward to spending Saturday night with Aunt Lu's friends from church. Well, it turns out that the church function was just a way to keep a surprise from me! The surprise was that my mom flew up from Florida and took me to a Sarah McLaughlin concert!

Sarah McLaughlin is my mom's favorite singer, and when I was little we used to listen to her cd's all the time. The concert was great. Sarah sang for two hours straight. There was no fluff. It was just her singing her heart out for two hours and it was awesome!

Today my mom and I went to the mall and did some shopping. She bought me a few of Sarah's cd's so that I could listen to them. I used to have them but I haven't been able to find them since I moved to PA. I've been listening to them all afternoon.