My plan is to tell Josh tonight about my college choice. I just want to get it over with so that it's not hanging over my head. I'm just scared. What if he's upset? What if he wants to break things off? What if he doesn't want a long distance relationship anymore?

I will be completely heartbroken if I lose him, but I can't follow him around. I have to live my own life. I mean, how will I feel if someday my daughter asks me why I chose the college I did and I say it was because of a boy? Now, if the boy ends up being her father, I guess it's no big deal. And believe me, I love Josh and believe deep in my heart that someday we could really be together. But right now we're so young and things are so uncertain. Should I really bet my whole future on him? Would he even want me to?

I don't even know how I'm going to tell him. I don't even know when the right time to tell him is...

He called last night and told me he has something special planned for us tonight. Do I tell him before, during, after? I wish I knew what we were doing so I could plan when to tell him.

Am I making too much out of this? I wish I knew...

So Josh is still apologizing about the whole Kelly thing. He feels bad. But I'm over it. He's apologized, I've forgiven. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I told him he could make it up to me with lots of slow dancing. There's something magical about being wrapped up in his arms and moving slowly to music. But I'm a dancer, and a romantic so I guess that explains my love for slow dancing...nah, it's probably my love for being close to Josh. ;)

This weekend is Lauren's sweet sixteen party. They are having a DJ so that will mean lots of dancing. Hopefully he'll play a few slow ones for Josh and me.

Molly is starting to face the fact that Tim is going back to Australia once school is over. She's not taking it well. In the beginning I thought Tim was just a way for Molly to get her mind off of Alex, but I think it's become a lot more. She really seems devoted to him. I just don't know how they can stay together when they will be living on opposite sides of the earth. Poor, Mol - I don't want to see her heart broken.

I'm getting excited for Lindsay, Jennifer, Terry and Josh to be home from school. Just a few more weeks. My only concern is Lindsay, Jen and Terry all in the same area. I love Terry and don't want to give up my friendship with him because of Lindsay or Jen.

I asked Alex where he's going this summer but he said he's sticking around. That should make things more interesting as well. I think he wants to be close to Alicia but I don't want to discuss that with him. I'd rather not know...I wouldn't want Molly to be hurt if that's the case.

Well, I have school work to do...

I have senioritis so badly. Don't get me wrong...graduating will be bitter sweet. I can't wait for the freedom that comes with going away to school, but I will miss my friends here and Aunt Lu. I'm just tired of school work and I can't wait for a break. Plus this summer will be fabulous - I just know it.

I made up my mind about school. I'm going to the same school as Natalie and Molly. But that's not why I want to go there. It's in a small town but it's accessible to both home and New York pretty easily. I'll be midway between Josh and Aunt Lu. Now telling Josh that I won't be in New York will be the hard part. I don't know what to say. I'm so worried that he's going to be upset. I always thought I'd end up in New York for college but I just don't know...it scares me. It's so big, so busy, so crowded. I just don't think I'd like that day in and day out.

I'm just scared of losing him. What if he decides he wants a girl who lives in the same city? I know he loves me but what if he's tired of this long distance stuff? I keep praying that he'll be understanding about it.

Today is the two year anniversary of when we first hung out at the Philly's game. I can't believe it's been two years. We have so much history now...and such a strong bond. I don't want to see it fade away because I've decided against going to school in New York.

I just got home. I picked Josh up at the train station and then we went out for lunch in Princeton. We were planning our trip...Yep, our trip. My grandmother called last night and invited me to visit her in Nashville this summer. She told me I could bring Josh along so we're going.

I feel like a dork though. I sent him a text message after midnight last night that said, "r u awake?" He called me a few minutes later and I took almost five minutes to get my question out. I asked him five different ways if he wanted to go and then I threw in all of these disclaimers to let him off the hook in case he didn't want to. He was like, "Nicole, calm down. I want to go." Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo.

Anyway, we spent the afternoon talking about the trip. We decided we'd rather drive down there instead of fly because we want to have a car. Josh also wants to go to Memphis for a day so we'll need a car for that. I'm so excited - a road trip with Josh! I can't wait.

Now the only thing we have to worry about is both of us getting a week off from the swim club at the same time...

Tonight we're going to the Red Lobster for Lauren's birthday tonight. I'm glad we're having a late dinner. I'm still full from lunch. We went to Panera Bread in Princeton. I love that place!

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to do some research on cool places to take Josh in Nashville.

I’ve spent my lazy day browsing iTunes. I downloaded Bo Bice’s “The Real Thing.” I haven’t really gotten into Carrie Underwood’s songs, but I don’t listen to much country music.

Speaking of Idol, here’s my prediction for the way the rest of the season will go down:

7) Ace
6) Paris
5) Elliot
4) Kellie
3) Taylor
Runner up: Kathryn
American Idol: Chris

Now, that doesn’t mean it’s how I want it to go down, it’s just what I think will happen. Personally, I’d like to see Elliot in fourth and Kellie in fifth but I think her fan base is stronger. My runner up prediction I’m not completely sure of…I hope Kathryn gets second place but I’m not sure how strong her fan base is but I think she should be in second…although I like Taylor and would be happy to see him there as well.

While I was browsing iTunes, I saw that artists put together song lists so I thought I’d put together my 10 ten song list.

My iTunes Picks:

The Morse Code of Love by The Capris – we play this song in our swing dancing class and I love it. I always walk out of the dance studio singing, “Baby, come back home to me…”

Sway by Michael Buble – “When the marimba rhythms start to play…” Another dance studio song. I like this song so much that I bought a Michael Buble CD. Aunt Lu has pretty much stolen it from me, and my friends make fun of me for listening to old people’s music but I like it.

This I Promise You by N’Sync – I loved N’Sync when I was younger, but I love this song because it’s the first song I danced to with Josh.

Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold – This song just makes me want to dance. Natalie and I used to dance around to this song all the time. I reminds me of the good times in Florida.

You And Me by Lifehouse – Okay, another song that reminds me of Josh but we danced to this at the prom last year. He held me so close and he smelt so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o good.

Watch Me Shine by Joanna Pacitti – I heard this song in Legally Blonde and I really liked it. It’s one of those motivating songs that reminds you that you-can-do-it.

A Little Too Late by Delta Goodrem – Alex turned me on to Delta and I LOVE her. She’s an Australian artist that he discovered when he was traveling. I relate to this song because when my mom was telling me I was too young for Josh this was my theme song. I also love her song “Out Of The Blue” because it reminds me of when I first met Josh.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan – My mom loves Sarah so I grew up listening to her music. Mom and I used to sing this song all the time when I was younger. Josh bought the sheet music and was trying to teach me to play it on the piano but I wasn’t very good…guess I’ll have to stick to singing it.

I Only Have Eyes for You by The Flamingos – This is the song the guys serenaded me with on Valentine’s Day.

Hung Up by Madonna – This song probably won’t make my favorite songs of all time list but for right now I love it. Molly bought “Confessions On A Dance Floor” around Christmas time and we’ve made it our Girl’s Night music.

It's my Friday. Today was rough...I was bouncing off the walls all day. I am just so excited about this extended weekend. I could use a couple days off. Molly and I are going out to dinner tonight. We decided to take Lauren with us so that we can have a girl's night out. It will be nice to hang out with the girls.

I got an email from Kelly...she apologized for being so clingy with Josh and told me that she didn't mean to cause problems. I was never really that mad at her anyway... I was hurt because I thought Josh was putting her first.

Anyway, there's not too much to report right now. I should get ready for girl's night.

The weekend was fun. It was good to spend time with Josh and talk to him. We're not arguing any more, and now that we've talked I'm not worried about him going back to Kelly. I don't know...I just always thought she was the one that got away. You know, it's like he would always want her, but that's not the way it really is. He was like, "do you really think I'd still be best friends with Jason if she meant that much to me?" He makes a good point. And I know that he loves me. I just get scared of losing him some times.

Tomorrow is my Friday. It's a three day week at school and I'm so excited. I could use some down time. Molly and I are going out to dinner tomorrow night. We decided we need a girl's night. Thursday I am relaxing and being a complete bum. Friday night I'm going out for Lauren's birthday. The Andersons are throwing her a sweet sixteen party next weekend since they didn't want to conflict with Easter. The week after that is the prom.

You know, it's funny reading back on all that was going on two years ago around this time. I was just getting to be friends with Josh. Then last year at this time we were just beginning to be more than friends. Now here we are boyfriend and girlfriend. If you had asked me at the very beginning I never would have believed it. I just feel so lucky to have someone in my life that really gets me and cares about me. I just hope that next year at this time we'll still be together.

I saw Josh last night. He showed up at school after my meeting. He looked really miserable, and I hate to admit it but it made me feel better. But then he started off with "she's my friend and she needed someone to be there for her." At that point I was completely pissed of. All I said was "I told you how I felt about you spending that much time with her and you did it anyway." I started to walk away and he was going on about how she called him and she was crying and he felt bad because he hates to see someone that sad.

I was starting to lose patience. It's nice that he cares about other people but what about me? I've spent the whole week crying. Doesn't that mean anything to him? I threw that out there and he looked like he was starting to get it. He said something like, "I'm sorry, Nicole. If I had known you'd be this upset I never would have hung out with her."

How could he not have known I'd be upset? She spent the weekend with him. She was his first love - his great love and he was devastated when they broke up. I told him all of this.

Then he said something like, "She was my first serious girlfriend but you are my first love, my great love. Sure I was upset when Kelly and I broke up, but it was nothing compared to what I'd go through if I lost you. She's not worth losing you over. I'll tell her to call Molly next time she's upset."

How could I stay mad after that? So the big fight is over. We talked some more and I think we're in agreement now. I won't tell Josh not to be friends with her, but I'd appreciate it if they didn't spend so much time together - especially if it involves her visiting him in New York for the weekend. He agreed.

We're supposed to go out to dinner tonight. I hope things don't feel weird, but I'll be glad to spend some time with him. I've missed him so much...being away and then not talking to him all week. It's been torture.

I skipped lunch today. I just didn't have it in me to go to lunch and sit there and complain about Josh or Kelly. I haven't taken any of Josh's calls since Monday. I'm just angry...and hurt. I told him how I felt about him spending so much time with her and he did it anyway. I just need a break.

Aunt Lu gave me a hard time last night. She said I'm being unfair by not calling him back. She said that if I need a break I should tell him. Maybe she's right...I don't know what to do. I love him. I don't want to lose him. I just know that I'd rather go on my own than be cast aside because he's chosen to go back to her.

I can't even think about it anymore. My head hurts. My stomach's in knots. I have to go to a student council meeting tonight so I won't be at the dance studio, which is a shame since that's the only thing that helps take my mind off things.

I'm still really mad at Josh. He's called a few times and I haven't answered or called him back. I just need some cooling off time. I'm still really steamed. Don't I have the right to be?

Molly is ticked off at Kelly. I guess Kelly called her last night because she knew that Kelly was in New York the whole weekend. Molly told Kelly what I've been saying. She told Kelly to cry to a girlfriend instead of Josh. I guess Kelly didn't like Molly's advice because they got into a fight over it. Molly's annoyed because Kelly made a point to email Jason and tell him that she was hanging out with Josh in New York all weekend. Molly thinks Kelly's just playing games to get at Jason and is mad that it's causing problems for me and Josh. She's not the only one who's mad.

But I'm more mad at Josh than Kelly. I'm not really that close to Kelly and I don't expect much from her. She's not the kind of person I'd be best friends with (which is weird since we share a best friend), but I expect a lot from Josh. He has my heart and the power to break it and he knows that. He says he loves me, and yet he does something that he knows will hurt me. That's not how you show love. I deserve better than that, and I'm not going to settle for less. He needs to make his choice: me or her. I'm through with playing games.

I got a few more college acceptance letters (and a few rejects...I guess my math grades weren't good enough for some of my dad's choices). The acceptance letters are making my decision very difficult. Two of the schools in New York that I wanted both accepted me, but I'm scared to live there. I thought it's what I wanted but now I start to feel nervous when I think about actually living there.

Oh, well...American Idol is on. Maybe it will help take my mind off things. I need to vote for Katherine this week. I love her and can't believe she was in the bottom three last week!

I am so angry I’m shaking. My phone reunion with Josh was not what I expected. I can’t believe how angry I am! Apparently he spent the entire weekend with Kelly! And just a week after I told him how uncomfortable it makes me that he’s spending so much time with her! Here I was missing him all weekend and he was running around New York with his ex-girlfriend! He told me he’s just helping her get over Jason, and that he has no interest in her. I believe him, I do. I don’t think he’d try to hurt me, but when I first met him he was trying to get over her. She broke his heart. What if she’s decided now that she wants him back? She was the great love of his life…what’s to stop him from running back to her?

I completely freaked out on the phone. I have never been so upset with him. I just don’t get it. I know he’s trying to help a friend but shouldn’t my feelings be considered? I told him I didn’t like him spending so much time with her. I think she needs to call up one of her girlfriends to cry to – not my boyfriend! But really, he’s the one I’m angry with because he knows how I feel and yet he did something that he knew would upset me. I guess I should just be happy that he was honest with me about hanging out with her. Oh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.

All I know is that I’m really angry and I just don’t want to talk to him right now. I’m just so hurt and I feel like he put her ahead of me. How can I be okay with that?

The weekend was really great. It was nice to be back down south where it’s warm (although, I was disappointed to hear that I missed a very warm weekend up here in PA). Friday we got to Florida a little after lunch, went to the hotel, checked in (it took forever!) and then went to our rooms and then to the pool. It was so nice to lounge out by the pool. I forgot how much I missed that.

Alex, Tom and I got into a water fight that was not pretty. Other people got involved and I got chased around the hotel by some guy with a super soaker. I ran around the side and started pounding on the door until Molly let me in. She opened it in the nick of time. Otherwise I would have been soaked.

That night was our choir meeting. We discussed the plans for the next day. That night I slept in my mom’s room. We stayed up late and talked about college and other things going on. She was really impressed that I’m working on a new project for the dance studio. She thinks I should consider business as a major. I just don’t see myself wearing a suit and going to corporate meeting. I love coming up with ideas for the dance studio but I see that as more of a creative thing.

On Saturday we sang for the judges in the morning and then went to a water park during the afternoon. It was fun but nothing too exciting to report. That night was the award ceremony and the dinner banquet for all of the competing choirs.

On Sunday it was off to the Magic Kingdom. I love Disney World. My mom used to take me there all the time as a kid – mostly to get away from my dad. Natalie and Arie drove up and hung out with me at the park. We had a lot of fun but I kept thinking about Josh. Last year on the choir trip was sort of the beginning of us and I kept wishing he was there. Disney World would have been even more magical with him there.

This morning we got up early and flew home. I’m glad we got home early though because I needed some time to relax and recuperate from the weekend. It was a great weekend though. I got to see Natalie, Arie and my mom. My mom is flying up again in two weeks for Easter so it will be nice to spend some more time with her.

That’s all for now. I’m just relaxing and waiting for Josh to get out of class so I can talk to him. We kept missing each other’s calls all weekend which just made me miss him even more. I can’t wait to talk to him and tell him all about the weekend.