I'm blogging from the Big Apple. I drove up last night after my last class. Driving into the city was a little scary and I was driving Josh's car so it was a little different than what I'm used to. I got here safe and sound so I guess that's the most important thing and we won't have to worry about jumping on a train Thursday morning after the parade.

I can't believe I'm going to see the Macy's Parade live. All those years of watching it on TV and dreaming about visiting New York and now I'm here and I'm going to see it in person! It's so exciting.

Josh has class today so I'm just hanging out...pretending I'm a New Yorker. :) Jen's last class ends around noon so we're going to spend the afternoon together. I think we're going to go up to Midtown for some shopping.

That's all for now!

My friends thought I was a complete idiot and up until about 8:25 Saturday night I was agreeing with them. Maybe I should start at the beginning...

Thursday night I was out with Molly searching for a dress to wear to the outing with my parents to the Rainbow Room. I found an amazing green dress that made my eyes pop and all I could think about was how Josh would never see me in it. Molly kept urging me to call him so when we got home that night I did. Except I didn't do exactly what Molly suggested. Instead I left him a message telling him to show up at the Rainbow Room if he still cares about me.

By Friday morning I was a nervous wreck. No returned calls from Josh. I told him he didn't have to call me back, he should just show up or not show up. Why did I do that? I considered calling him again but I was afraid I'd look too pathetic.

So Friday night Molly and I took the train up to Manhattan. My parents had rented me a room at their hotel so I figured Molly could come up with me. We all went out to dinner and then Molly and I walked around town. Well, we walked around down town. We basically walked around the NYU area so that I could bump into Josh. I didn't admit this to Molly but she knew. And she was kind enough not to give me grief for being such a crazy person.

Anyway, we didn't run into Josh but I did drop my cell phone into a grate in the street. Bye-bye cell phone. I had to have the service stopped so that no one would use the phone. I was really freaking out because if Josh did try to call I couldn't answer or retrieve messages. I felt like the cards were stacking up against me.

Saturday came and Molly went back to New Jersey. Mom and I had manicures and our hair done. It would have been a great day if I hadn't been freaking out over whether or not Josh would show.

So the evening comes and I walk in to the Rainbow Room. The place is amazing. The view of the city was awesome. You could look out and see the Empire State Building and it looked like it was just next door (even though it's like 15 blocks away!). The band was playing and all I could think about was Josh and whether he would show up.

So I sit down with the parents and the business people my dad was smoozing with and time started ticking. No Josh. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't coming. I borrowed my mom's cell phone and walked out by the elevators to call Molly.

I was on the phone with her telling her that Josh wasn't there. That he wasn't coming. That he didn't love me anymore. And then I turned and there he was. Standing there. Looking so perfect. I don't even know what was next. I know I mumbled something in to the phone and hung up and that the next thing I knew I was fighting back tears and telling Josh that I totally didn't deserve him and I couldn't believe he was there.

He told me not to mess up my perfect face with tears and explained to me that he was late because when he woke up that morning he realized his suit was in Pennsylvania. He went all the way home to get that suit! He looked a little exasperated and told me he'd been trying to call me all day.

So we went and sat down and I tried to enjoy myself through dinner but I was pretty emotional. I was afraid I'd start crying at the drop of a hat. Just the thought of Josh rushing all over the tri-state area for me made me realize what a jerk I've been. What guy would do all of that for a girl who has blown him off, accused him of cheating and just been an all around brat?

Now don't get me wrong. Just because he was there doesn't mean he was all warm and fuzzy. He mostly talked to my dad's business partner through dinner, but just the fact that he came meant to much to me.

After dinner we danced and I apologized. He warmed up after that. We didn't stay too much longer. We went outside and walked around Rockefeller Plaza. We talked some things out. It was good. I convinced him to stay with me at the hotel so we had to go back to the dorm to get some things.

Keith, Jen and Laura were all there when we arrived. Laura looked shocked and annoyed to see me. I have to admit that I was a little happy to see her look so annoyed. Especially since I looked pretty good in my dress with my hair and makeup professionally done.

I stayed in New York all day yesterday. I'm going back up tomorrow to hang out with Josh until we head down to Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving. Well, now that I'm finished writing my "novel" here I should get going. I have a piano lesson this afternoon and I've barely practiced!

The weekend and the dance competition were amazing. We didn't win or anything. We didn't even place in the top 25% but it was so cool to do something that I've always wanted to do.

Unfortunately the fun and euphoria of the weekend came to an end as reality has come crashing down on me. First of all, Josh and I still aren't talking. I don't want it this way. I love him. I don't want to lose him. I wanted so badly to call him Saturday night and tell him all about the competition but how could I? I told him not to come. I told him that I didn't want him there. I don't know how I'm going to get things back on track. Things just feel so broken now.

And then I get a call from my mom this morning. She and my father are flying up to New York on Friday so that my dad can meet with some business associate. They invited Josh and I to join them for some shmoozing dinner on Saturday. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that Josh and I aren't even talking. And this place that we're going to is like evening gown attire type of place. I would love to go. I'd love to go with Josh but I'm too scared to talk to him.

What if he hangs up on me? What if he breaks up with me? What if we're already broken up and I just don't know it? What if things end like Logan and Rory on the "Gilmore Girls" where Rory gets a phone call from his sister and finds out from her that Logan has broken up with her? What if Lauren calls me? I'm just not going to pick up the phone if Lauren calls.

Okay, I need to breathe and come up with a plan: a plan to win back Josh. I cannot let Laura win. I can't let him go without a fight. I love him and he's one of the most important people in my life. If there's a chance I will take it. I have to take it. I just need to figure out how.

Tomorrow's the big day! Send me good vibes. Jordan and I have been working so hard for this. In fact, I have to cut this real short. I'm supposed to meet him in 45 minutes. Send me lots of dance spectacular, forget about Josh vibes.

Just got back to my room. It's miserable out there and I have to go back out for rehearsal. I talked to Josh last night and I'm feeling worse than the Republicans this morning.

I told him I don't like him hanging out with Laura. He told me that he doesn't like me hanging out with Jordan. We just were going around in circles. I told him if he has such a problem with me dancing with Jordan that he should just not come to the competition on Saturday.

Now I feel horrible. I want him there! I don't know what to do. I can't call him. The whole thing is just so messed up and out of hand.

I voted for the first time today. I had to drive back to Pennsylvania since that's my permanent address. Aunt Lu suggested that I get an Absentee Ballot but I wanted to go to the polls and do it myself. I was kind of disappointed that they got rid of the lever. I really wanted to pull the lever. Instead they had these buttons you push - not quite as exciting as the lever. Oh well. I did my civic duty.

I called Jen this afternoon. She confirmed that she was invited to Vermont and that it wasn't just Laura and Josh going. She also told me that if anything had happened between Josh and Laura she would have heard about it from Laura. So I guess I can believe that Josh wasn't cheating on me, but I'm still angry at him. He knows I'm not comfortable with him spending so much time with Laura and he did it anyway. It's like the thing with Kelly all over again!

He's supposed to call me later tonight. We played phone tag last night - actually, I have to admit that I called him back when I knew he wouldn't be available. I just wasn't ready to talk yet. So I'll hear what he has to say for himself later I guess.

Well, I need to go. I've got to meet Jordan for rehearsals.

I got a call from Lindsay last night who informed me that my boyfriend took Laura to Vermont with him! I asked Lindsay how she knew about this and she said Jennifer wrote it in her blog. So I tried to find Jen's blog (Lindsay didn't want to give me the address, which I think is totally weird)and then I tried to get in touch with Jennifer but she didn't call me back. Finally I just called Josh and he admitted that he took Laura with him - like it was no big deal! We got into a huge fight over the phone. It was horrible. He said there were tons of people up there and that he invited Jen and Laura to go along and Jen couldn't go. He said that there was no reason for me to feel threatened by Laura - but I do. The girl wants him. She doesn't even try to hide it and I don't think it's a good idea for her to be going away for the weekend with him - even if it's a group thing.

I spent the whole night crying on Molly's shoulder, and then at rehearsal this morning I couldn't concentrate. Jordan asked me what was going on and I started crying. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I thought he was going to get mad at me, but he was actually really sweet. I told him what was going on and he helped me get it out of my system so we could get back to business. It was tough though. I'm just so torn apart right now. I feel like Josh is gone, like I've lost him and we're over.

I decided not to blow off rehearsals. The competition is a week from Saturday. It would have been completely foolish for me to run off to Vermont this weekend.

So I'm here in New Jersey and Josh is on his way to Vermont. We haven't spoken since the other day, and I feel horrible about it. But I thought about it and I've realized that I have spent too much time thinking about him, going out of my way to see him, going out of my way to be everything he wants, and now it's time to go out of my way for me. I want to dance. I want to develop my talent. I want to compete and this is where I start. I can't give up now. I'd be letting Jordan down and I'd be letting myself down. And I know Josh doesn't want the type of girl who would give up her own dreams for someone else.

I talked to Jordan last night. He reminded me how much work goes in to dance competitions, and how if I want it I have to be willing to work for it. It was a half hour pep talk and it reminded me that I can't just be running around having fun all of the time. If I want to dance I have to work, and I have to work hard. So that's what I'm going to do. Tonight we're going to rehearse. Tomorrow we're going to rehearse. Sunday we're going to rehearse. And when next Saturday comes I will know that I put everything I have into this.

I'm not feeling so great this morning. I'm just really frustrated about the way things are going with Josh. I don't want it to be like this. I miss him. I miss us - but things aren't the same. I was so hopeful that things would get back on track after last weekend but then we were quickly derailed again.

I'm thinking of blowing off rehearsals to go to Vermont. I'm so torn. Where do I invest? Do I put my time into my dancing? Or do I put my time in with the person that means the world to me?

I don't want to lose him. He's my best friend. He's the person I see myself with. I know it sounds crazy since I'm only 18, but when I picture my future I see him in it. I can't imagine him not in it. We're obviously not quite to the point in our lives where we're going to get settled down, but when I think to the future he's the person I see standing next to me. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him, and I feel us slipping away.

Just had another fight with Josh. I just can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. One minute things are great and I'm up. The next minute we're angry and hurt and I'm down. I just wish things could be normal again.

The thing is that he's not supportive of all of the time I'm putting into dancing. He doesn't like me spending so much time with Jordan, and he thinks my weekends should be dedicated to him. The fight today was over this weekend. He wants me to go up to Keith's aunt's cabin in Vermont. Well, that's like a 6 hour drive from here and I have to rehearse this weekend. I can't spend a total of 12 hours in the car + time there when I need to be dancing and doing school work. Not to mention I'm trying to learn the piano and it would be nice if I could fit that into the schedule as well! He's so unreasonable about it. He acts like I'm trying to ruin his life! I'm not trying to ruin his life - I'm just trying to fit as much as I can into mine, and right now, a trip to Vermont doesn't fit.

Okay, rant over. I have to run to rehearsal. Hopefully dancing will help me shake off some of the tension.