I saw Josh last night. He came to me. Told me that he still loves me. Pulled me into his arms and kissed me like we had never been apart and would never be apart again. Then I woke up.

It's agonizing. I spent the day thinking about him, feeling like he was just with me. I haven't dreamt about him in a few weeks. I guess it was seeing Jason the other night and having a conversation about Josh with someone who is close to him that stirred my subconscious mind.

It's hard enough not thinking about him while I'm awake. Now I have to deal with thinking about him while I'm asleep - and I have no control over it! I can't control what happens when I fall asleep and my mind stops filtering what my heart is trying to express.

I want it to stop. I want to just forget about him and move on. Enough is enough. It has been almost two months since the break up. Shouldn't I be more over him by now?

I found out today that I'm getting a new roommate this weekend. I hope she's normal!

I ran into Jason last night at the bookstore. I was sitting in the cafe drinking my tea when I felt someone standing over me. He asked if he could sit down. I was kind of nervous about it. I mean, he's Josh's best friend but he was nice enough. He asked how I was doing. He told me that he's been talking to Kelly again. They're not back together but he said it's good to talk to her.

We were just talking and then he looked at me and said, "so you're thinking about him." I kind of gave him a weird look and he said, "why don't you talk to him? It's obvious you want to." I don't know why it was obvious, Josh's name hadn't come up. We were talking about Kelly, but somehow Jason knew that Josh was on my mind.

I told him that Josh and I were over - Josh wanted a break, and I didn't feel like waiting around for him to make up his mind. Either you love someone or you don't. Jason just looked at me and said, "I don't think it was ever about love. The guy is in love with you, Nicole." I thought I was going to cry. Does Josh still love me? If he does, why are we apart?

I sucked it up and tried to regain my composure. I didn't want to burst into tears at Barnes and Noble and I certainly didn't want to cry in front of Josh's best friend! Jason looked at me and said something like, "Things will change. They always do. You and Josh will come around again, and when you do, you will have learned something." I shook my head and told him that it's obvious that what we've learned is that when things got tough we couldn't work things out.

I'm so confused now. There was something about the way Jason said, "The guy is in love with you, Nicole" that I can't get out of my head. He said it in the present tense: "The guy is in love with you..." So if Josh is in love with me, why doesn't he fight for me? Why doesn't he call and tell me that he can't live without me? If he is in love with me, does his heart break every day the way mine does? It just don't make sense!

I'm exhausted. It's not easy getting from class to class on a sprained ankle - especially when it's cold and slippery out. It's days like these that I long for my Florida sunshine. But I don't really have anything to go back to anymore. My mom's in Pennsylvania and I don't think I could stand to be down there with only my dad around.

So I still don't have a roommate which is fine. I'll take my single as long as I can hold on to it. I'm supposed to meet up with Amanda tomorow night for dinner. It will be nice to see her. I wish she were still living here but I keep reminding myself of how awkward it must have been for her to get caught up in the drama that is Molly and Natalie. The sad thing is that they are getting along much better so far. Of course it's only been a few days but I think they're starting to accept each other. God, I hope so!

My mom called earlier to let me know that she's booked us a trip to Hawaii for my spring break. She said it's the emancipation vacation. She knows I'm still sad about Josh and she knows that things between her and my father are not going to go smoothly so she decided that getting away would do us some good (plus, this might be the last time she can tap into my dad's nice, big bank account!). She thought we need a girl's trip so she bought tickets for Aunt Lu, Aunt Linda and Lindsay to go too! We're going to visit Kauai and Oahu. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to something instead of moping around about Josh. I emailed Alex who is in Australia and he said there's a chance he might be able to fly to Oahu that week to visit his parents! How cool would that be? I miss him like crazy and would love to see him.

I go back to the dorms tomorrow. Classes start on Monday. I was looking forward to getting back into the swing of things but I got a call from Amanda Wednesday night that has me dreading my return to the dorms. She's decided she wants to live at home instead of in the dorms. She told me that the bickering between Molly and Natalie was too much for her. I understand it. She should still be in high school so for her to have to deal with this right now is probably not what she was hoping for. She said she hopes we can still be friends. I told her that we would definitely be friends. I'm going to miss her terribly but I understand.

I'm just a little nervous about who is going to move in. I'm sure they will find a replacement for her which means I'll have to go through getting to know a new roommate all over again. I hope that whoever she is, she will be normal and not some nut case. I also hope she will be able to take whatever Nat and Mol can dish out.

It snowed here this morning. Mom said that it reminded her of why she was so eager to move to Florida. She told me that she used to get the winter blues as a kid in Pennsylvania. I asked her when she's going back and she looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently she's here to stay. I guess she's going to have to work out those winter blues.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I love my mom but she owns a business in Florida. She should be there. All she's doing up here is sitting around Aunt Lu's house. Not much of a life. Plus, doesn't she need to be in Florida to get a divorce lawyer and take care of business?

Oh well, the good thing about all of this is that I haven't been obsessing about Josh quite as much. I'm so busy thinking about Amanda, Molly, Natalie and my mom that I haven't cried over Josh since Tuesday night. Maybe I'm making progress.

I talked to Jeremy last night. He wanted to see me this weekend but I told him I'd be busy getting settled back at school. Plus, I'm still trying to stay off the ankle. The doctor told me I should take it easy the next few weeks. I hope walking around campus won't be too much strain.

Well, that's all for now. I'm sure I'll have plenty to post once I'm back at school!

Lindsay called last night to see how I was feeling. At first I thought it was about my ankle but I think she really wanted to see how I was doing emotionally. It amazes me... her capacity to be sympathetic towards me when she's lost so much. I mean, her boyfriend died. Mine just dumped me. At least he's alive.

I know she hasn't completely moved on but she's made a lot of progress and the fact that she can be there for me while I cry over Josh shows me how amazing she is. She said that it took her a long time and that after awhile people kept asking her why she didn't just get over it. She said she learned that you don't necessarily get over every loss...you just get through it and when you come out on the other end it doesn't hurt quite so bad. She told me that I have to grieve for what I lost. She said she used to wish for numbness so that she wouldn't feel it, but then she realized that feeling it was the only way she could get through it. She also said that the same people who told her to "get over it" also expected her to grieve on their time line. She told me to ignore them and be sad as long as I need to, but to make sure I deal with it and not just push it away and pretend it's not there.

I guess lossing someone like that makes you wiser. Lindsay definitely seems wiser. My heart still breaks for her when I think of what it must have been like to lose your first love so tragically, so suddenly and so unexpectedly. I guess I should learn from her experience and take the time to grieve so that I can move on. It just seems so unlikely. Moving on just seems so unreal and so far away. I can't imagine feeling better right now. I can't imagine not loving Josh.

So I met up with Jeremy on Saturday night. I picked him up at the train station and we went out to dinner. We had a nice time. We talked about mutual friends back in Florida. He told me about how excited he was to move up north, which kind of surprised me because he always struck me as a Florida State kind of guy. I told him about Josh and how we had just broken up. I guess I wanted him to know what I'm not ready for anything more than friendship. He was sympathetic - more like a friend than a date so I took that as a good sign.

On Sunday I went to church with Aunt Lu. I sprained my ankle in the parking lot on the way out. I guess it was about time. I mean I haven't had an injury in what? A year now? It's so frustrating. At first I thought it was no big deal but it kept swelling more and more so we went to the doctor's office yesterday. Aunt Lu was worried that I fractured it but the doc says it's a sprain - a bad one, probably worse than a fracture. So annoying. This means no dancing for a few weeks. So now I have no Josh and I can't do the one thing that takes my mind off of him.

At least he's back in New York so I don't have to worry about seeing him. Molly called Sunday night to warn me that he and Keith were in town but I was stuck in bed with ice on my foot so it didn't make much difference to me. I just made sure Aunt Lu closed all of my blinds so I wouldn't be tempted to look out the window. It was weird to think he was just next door and yet so very far away...

Wow, the past few days have been...unexpected and...hmm, not sure how to put it. "Interesting" doesn't really cut it.

My flight landed in Philadelphia yesterday afternoon. My mom came with me because she and my dad are now seperated. They decided to tell me this Tuesday night. I know my mom had been thinking about it but she never did anything about it so I was really shocked when they told me it was happening.

I'm thinking maybe the pending demise of my family is why my father didn't freak out about my car being totalled. In fact, he ordered me a new car...well, an SUV actually, because he thought it would be safer. I'm going to pick it up at the dealer tomorrow afternoon.

Anyway, I'm back in Pennsylvania. It was too weird for me at Aunt Lu's last night. I knew Josh was still around because his car was out front and I saw his bedroom light on. I stayed over at Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda's last night. I got to spend the night hanging out with Lindsay so it was good. Molly came over and the three of us talked. Actually, I did most of the talking...about my parents, about Josh, about Jeremy.

Oh, yes, Jeremy. He was my first crush...like when I was a little girl kind of crush, you know, the first boy I noticed in a "I like him more than as a friend" sort of way. I ran into him on Tuesday when I was picking up pizza at Frankie's in Osprey. We made small talk for a moment and then he was like "hey, didn't you move to Pennsylvania?" I told him I did but that I was at school in New Jersey. Well, it turns out that he goes to Temple! Small world. Anyway, he asked for my email address and suggested we hang out some time since we're not that far apart. I gave him my info and I got an email from him last night. He wants to meet up this weekend!

Lindsay and Molly were all over this. They think I should see him. I guess I'm just a little hesitant because I'm not sure what "hang out" means to him. I am so hung up on Josh that I can't possibly even consider the idea of dating. Molly thinks Jeremy could be a great rebound. She says that I need a rebound so that I can get on with my life. I'm not so sure about that. However, I do think it would be cool to actually get to know the guy that first peeked my interest in boys.

I'm back home now. Molly called Josh and he said he was on his way to Baltimore so I won't have to worry about seeing him until he gets back on Sunday. It's sad that it's come to this but I can't see him. I don't think I can handle it. I would probably freak out and start crying, or worse, fall at his feet and beg for him to take me back. Pathetic. I can't seriously be this pathetic.

One more interesting little tid bit - Jennifer and Terry are "hanging out" (Lindsay's words). I was kind of surprised but Jen deserves some happiness so I hope that things work out this time.

Well, that's all for now. I'm sure there will be more to come!

I just got back from the keys yesterday. My mom and I had a nice time down there. It was good to get away and clear my mind for a few days. I'm back in Sarasota now. I'll be here until Wednesday and then I'll be headed back to Pennsylvania. I talked to Molly earlier and she told me that Josh is going down to Baltimore for a few days so I won't have to worry about running in to him. His classes start up a week before mine so I'll be able to relax in PA without wondering if I'll bump in to him by the mailbox. I know it's going to be hard being there but I know it will be much, much easier without him around.

It's still hard, you know? Today it's been exactly one month since the break up. It's gotten easier to live with the pain but it's still there. It's like I'm numb. I don't love him any less, I just have gotten used to the idea that he's not coming back to me. For awhile I thought the phone would ring, that he'd call and we'd talk and all would be right. I think I've finally accepted that he's not going to call. He doesn't want me back and I have to face that - it's the only way I'll be able to move on, right? I just keep on keeping on, and I hope that I'll find a way to get over him.

I'm heading down to the keys tomorrow with my mom so I thought I would check in now since I won't be near a computer for the next few days. I have been spending most of my time hanging out with Natalie and Arie. On Thursday we went to the Magic Kingdom for the day. They decided I needed to spend some time at the "happiest place on earth." It did take my mind off of Josh for a few hours, but like I've said before, I'm okay during the day. It's when I get home at night and crawl into bed that I start thinking of him.

Today has been really hard. Three years ago at this time I was moving in to my bedroom in Pennsylvania. My mom and I had spent New Years Eve at a motel off of 95 in North Carolina. I remember watching the ball drop on 2004 and dreading what the new year would bring...a new place, new people, a whole new world that I wanted no part of. When I got to Pennsylvania, Aunt Lu told me that there was a really nice boy next door that I had to meet. I remember rolling my eyes and longing for the Florida sun. But New Years night as I was settling in, I looked out my window and saw Josh in his room next door. He caught me watching him (and has teased me non-stop about it since then) and he smiled and waved, and even though it took another 4 months before we really had any real conversation, I didn't feel so alone. And now I'm back to being alone again.

Last night sucked. I was forced into a New Years Eve party with my father's snobby friends out on Long Boat Key. I was grumpy the whole way there. I wanted to stay home alone and had declined invites from friends, but my parents insisted I join them. Just how I love starting off the year...watching my father schmooze and drink with a bunch of stuffy, fake, rich jerks...

At midnight I found myself standing outside looking up at the stars in the sky and wishing I were with Josh, because with him I'm safe.

Molly and I talked for a long time this afternoon. She called to update me on Kelly's New Years Eve party, and what she told me gave me some hope... She said Josh came alone (no Laura) and that he seemed okay most of the night but at midnight he disappeared. She said he was outside by himself looking up at the sky! So it turns out that in a cosmic sort of way, Josh and I did spent New Years Eve together. We were both standing outside alone looking up at the sky.