I know I haven't been posting much but the end of the semester has been kicking my butt. It's much harder than last semester (workload-wise - at least I'm not dealing with a break up).

I had a Josh dream last night. I think I'm moving on with my life and things are getting easier and then I have one of those dreams. What is it going to take to get this guy out of my system? In some ways it was better when I was angry with him, but now that I'm not angry, I'm just sad. I just keep reminding myself that it is getting better and that time, is truly, healing my wounds. It's just annoying when I dream about him because it feels like a set back. I wake up missing him and feeling all of those old feelings...so frustrating.

Well, I should get back to the books. Only a few more days and I'll be free for the summer!

Molly and I have our flights out to Seattle planned. We're flying out with her parents who are going to see her brother graduate from Washington State. We're going to drive back with him and his friend. It should be interesting...I've never driven across the country before. We're going to take a northern route so we'll go through the Dakotas. I'm hoping we can stop at Mt. Rushmore. I don't think I'll ever get back there so I want to do it while I have the chance.

My mom called last night to let me know she's going to spend a few weeks in Pennsylvania this summer. Now that her dance classes are ending for the spring session, she doesn't know what to do with herself. I kind of wish she would stay put. She needs to get used to living down there without being with my dad. If she keeps coming back north, it's going to make it harder on her to adjust. But what do I know?

Alex is also going to spend the summer in Pennsylvania. He called on Monday to let me know he got an internship and that he's going to live with the Andersons this summer. He also told me that Jennifer and Josh are doing some dinner theater version of "West Side Story." Apparently Jennifer dragged Josh to the audition for moral support and Josh got the lead role - Jennifer's in the chorus. That's got to hurt. Josh is an amazing singer and a truly gifted piano player, but an actor? I'm not sure. I'm curious. Part of me wants to sneak in the back to see it. The show's not until the end of June so by then I'm hoping that spending time around Josh won't be so hard (especially since we have to work together this summer!).

The first nice day of the spring and I'm stuck inside. :(

This paper I have to write for my psych class is driving me crazy. I know what I want to say but I can't seem to say it and I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again! I'm writing about Freud and dream interpretation because I have some really crazy, vivid dreams, and I thought I could learn something. He believes that dreams have two types of meaning: manifest and latent. Manifest is the superficial content. If you dream you're driving a car, the act of driving a car is manifest content. The latent content is the underlying, subconscious meaning behind the act of driving the car. It could mean you want to be in control, or it could mean that you want to get away from something. I guess what I don't understand is the obvious dreams...like if I dream that I'm kissing Josh, it seems obvious to me that it's because I want to kiss Josh, right? It seems like the manifest and the latent content are one and the same. It's interesting, but hard to write about for some reason.

I figured blogging could help with my writer's block, but now I find that I can't think of anything to write about here either... Nothing has really changed. I'm still sad about things with Josh, but I'm starting to accept that it is what it is. We just can't make it work.

Oh, unbelievable...I can't believe I haven't blogged about this because I can't believe it's actually happening - Natalie's dad agreed to buy a townhouse as an investment property and we're going to live in it next year! I never thought in a million years that Nat's dad would actually consider it. There's a house two doors down from the property that Jason's buying and Nat wants it. I hope it's because she likes the house and not because she likes the neighbor...if you catch my drift... She keeps telling me that Jason is just a friend, and she's dating some other guy, but I can't help but think that Jason is playing a large part in this whole thing. Every time I'm with her we "just happen" to run into the guy. He probably thinks it's me - that I want info on Josh - but we never talk about Josh so I maybe he doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo.


Okay, I should get back to my paper. I promised myself I'd finish one more page today and I really want to spend a little time outside before the sun goes down! Until next time...

It's been a few days since my last post. Things have just been so hectic and emotional.

The horrors from Virginia Tech have everyone on edge. It's so scary to think about sitting innocently in your classroom and being shot to death by a crazed killer. There were rumors spreading around our campus today that there were shootings. Thank God it was just a rumor...Nevertheless, it's nerve wracking and it makes you question your safety. The thing is, that I truly don't believe something like this could be stopped (from a security standpoint that is). No matter what precautions you take, a person who's gone mad and has the will to commit a heinous act will find a way to commit that act. That being said, there are reports that the gunman's creative writing teacher went to authorities about him and reported that she thought he was dangerous. Too bad no one else did anything about it... Now over 30 lives are lost.

My personal life is also in the toilet right now. Saturday was absolutely heart wrenching. Josh called Friday night to make sure that we'd be able to handle being around each other at Lauren's birthday. He said that no matter what happens, he wants to be in my life. I genuinely want that too and told him so. It's just that it's so much easier said than done.

When we got to the game on Saturday all of these emotions hit me. I was flooded with memories of the first time we talked. I remember how happy I was to be having a real connection with someone for the first time since I'd moved north. I just knew that this guy was going to be more to me than a neighbor or Lauren's older brother.

Then I started thinking about the next year we went to the game for Lauren's birthday. Friendship was just starting to turn into love and I kept thinking about his eyes and his smile and the way he held his hand out to me that day and made me feel like the most special person on earth.

I finally couldn't take any more memories. Josh was sitting about as far away from me as he possibly could and I just felt so uncomfortable. I had to get away so I left the stands and walked out to the concession area. As soon as I got out there I burst into tears. I was about to make a run for the restroom but Josh had followed me out. He pulled me into his arms and I knew that I should pull away but I couldn't. I just wanted to hold on a little longer I guess.

We stood out there for almost the entire game going over everything all over again. But this time there was more sadness in it all. It used to be anger or frustration but now sadness and a sense of defeat are what overshadowed the conversation. I told him that this is just too hard for me right now. We talked about how we're going to have to work together all summer and that we're going to have to figure out a way to make that happen, but we also agreed that we need a cooling off period. I just need to be away from him. I can't talk to him. I can't see him. I just need to be alone to work this out.


So that's where we stand. We're going our own way and hopefully when Memorial Day comes and work starts up, I'll be ready to face him and work with him. But for now, I need to have my space so that the wounds can heal and my heart can move on.

My mother just makes me so mad sometimes! She says to me "eventually you'll get over your crush and move on." Crush? She thinks my feelings for Josh are just a crush? I'm in love with him! It's not a crush! She is always trivializing what Josh and I had. I don't know if she does it because she thinks it will make it easier for me to move on without him, or if she really has some sort of weird problem with the fact that I love the guy. It's so annoying. At least Aunt Lu gets it. She understands that what I feel for him is in my heart and not in my head, and it's not so easy to get over.

I'm going to Lauren's birthday party tomorrow. It's going to be hard. I don't know how to act, what to say or what to do when I see Josh. It's going to be so weird. I really hope I can keep it together. This week hasn't been as bad as it was when we broke up in December, but I wasn't forced to see him back then so I have no idea how things are going to go. Send me good vibes tomorrow afternoon. I'll need them.

I've been paying extra attention to "Dancing With The Stars" this winter because I'm planning to compete on our hometown version this summer. Talent and natural ability are important, but I've narrowed down what I think are the three most important aspects of winning the competition: 1) choreography, 2) song selection (popularity + how appropriate it is for the dance), and 3) chemistry between the dancers.

I think that this season of the show is lacking chemistry between the dancers. I thought I'd be torn this season between voting for Joey (I admit to being an N'SYNC fan) and Maksim (because he is unbelievably sexy!), but so far I haven't been wowed by them. The only couple that is oozing with magic is Julianna and Apollo. I am such a fan of Julianna. She knows how to play up Apollo's strength and use their chemistry to their advantage. I know he's trailing behind Joey, but I think he could pull this off. I guess we'll see...

I'm so glad for DWTS and American Idol. They offer me some escape and while they are on, I'm not sitting around feeling bad or thinking about Josh. I'm so nervous about Lauren's birthday party this Saturday. I know I'm going to be working with Josh all summer, but that's weeks away. I'm hoping that by then I won't be such a basket case. I don't know if I'm ready to see him again in four days. It's just so hard. :(

Molly asked me if I'd like to go with her to Seattle in May to help her brother drive back. He's graduating from the University of Washington and moving back but he wants to bring his car home and it's a long ride so Molly's flying out to help him drive back. Apparently his roommate is also coming back in a car so they wanted to find a fourth driver. At first I was going to decline, but with the recent turn of events, I think it might be good for me to get away. I'm not due at the Swim Club until Memorial Day weekend so I figure I might as well go. It might be fun to see some of the country.

Natalie has it in her head that her father is going to buy her a townhouse for us to live in next year. She spent Saturday looking at townhouses with Jason. His parents are buying one as an investment property and he is going to live in it and pay rent. Nat thinks this is a great idea and she's all over getting her dad on board. We'll see... I've known her father my whole life and I'm not sure that he's going to go for this.

Amanda and I had lunch together today. She brought me a Sara Evan's CD because there's a song on it called "To Be Happy." She said it's a dedication from her to me because she wants me to be happy. It was sweet.

I realize this blog makes it sound like I've moved on from the events of the weekend without a second thought, but that's really not the case. The truth is that I just can't write any more about it right now. I'm worn out and I really want "to be happy."

The weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. I know things are the way they should be but...well, maybe I should start at the beginning.

Last night Josh and I went out to dinner. We were sitting there, making small talk, and if just felt to strange to me. I mean, there I was sitting with the person that knows me better than anyone else, the person that I love more than anyone else, and yet we were acting like strangers on a blind date!

We got home and he asked if I wanted to go inside. As we were walking up to his front door I told him we needed to talk about Laura and Jordan. He looked at me and was like, "this isn't going so great, is it?" I just shook my head. We started talking for what seemed like hours. We just kept going over the same things over and over again. He was hurt that I was picking dancing (and what he thought was Jordan) over him. I was hurt that he took Laura to Vermont and that he was spending so much time with her. We kept talking and came to the conclusion that there will always be male dancers in my life if I'm going to dance, and he said he's not going to just give up his friends.

He told me that he still loves me. I told him that I still love him. We were both standing there and I was crying and we were saying goodbye. We were really saying goodbye this time. He held on to me and kissed me and told me that he wished we could be together even though we both know that we can't. I was just crying and telling him that I wished things could be different.

We stood there holding on to each other for a long time. Finally I said "eventually we're going to have to let go." He kissed my forehead and then somehow pulled himself away from me and walked into the house. Part of me wanted to just collapse in my sorrow right there, and the other part of me was grateful that he walked away because I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do it myself. I'm not even sure how I managed to walk next door to Aunt Lu's. I kept thinking that I literally had lost my best friend, and the greatest love I've ever known.

It was so much worse then the first time we broke up, because I really hated him then. I hated him for breaking my heart. I hated him because I thought he was okay with all of this. But now I know that he loves me. I saw the pain in his eyes as clearly as I felt my own. The way he stood there holding on to me, not wanting to let go - I know this was as hard on him as it was on me. And while it brings me some comfort to know that he loves me, it also makes it so hard to accept that we're not together any more.

I want to go back to the time when Josh's arms were the safest place on earth...to a time when his smile and his touch could fix every problem. I want to go back to when things were happy and easy. We're just too far away from that now... I know we are. I know this is for the best and it's going to make me stronger, but God, it hurts like hell.

Getting through the day was tough. Aunt Lu was every understanding about me not going to church with her, but getting through Easter dinner with the family, while my heart was breaking was torture. And knowing that he was next door made things even harder. Plus, I remembered that I promised Lauren that I'd go to her birthday party next Saturday and that means Josh will be there. And I seriously don't know how I'll be able to hold it together in front of him.

I'm so exhausted that I'm thinking of being on Elise time and hitting the sheets supper early tonight.

Yesterday I was feeling really good about my talk with Josh. But today I'm feeling kind of weird again. We talked about why we broke up - but not the things that lead up to it. I'm not sure if that even makes sense.

He said that he didn't want to break up. He just wanted to take a break because he was afraid that we were fighting so much and that things would get broken beyond repair if we kept going the way we were going. We spent most of our night talking about that, but we didn't talk about Jordan or Laura and they were part of the problem. That's what worries me.

The thing is that before he got back on the train he pulled me into his arms and kissed me and I completely forgot about all the problems. As soon as I'm close to him I'm just not thinking, and that can be dangerous. I don't want us to mess this up so badly that we become what Josh was trying to avoid - two people that hate each other.

Then I think about what Natalie says - that my expectations lead to my experience. She told me that I should stop looking for monsters under the bed and just be happy that the guy I love wants to be with me. Maybe she's right. I just don't know.

I could sit here all night going on and on about this but I promised Molly I'd see a movie with her. I should sign off and get ready and be happy that I can escape into a movie for a few hours.

I wish I could pinpoint the moment when things between me and Josh began to unravel. Then I could figure it out somehow. I could go back and fix it so that we could just get back together and be happy.

I keep thinking about all those times that he took my hand or pulled me into his arms and everything felt right. No matter what was happening, it was going to be okay because I had him. I want that back. I know he wants that back. I'm just so stressed because I'm not sure what it's going to take to get there again.

I'm just feeling so sad...I want to be with him. I want to get back together, but things still feel off and strained. What if we get back together and screw things up so badly that we hate each other forever? I just don't know what to do. :(

Josh called me last night and asked if he could come down Wednesday night so that we can talk things out before we decide if we want to get back together. I'm really glad that he did that because I feel like things have to be worked out. I don't want things to just go back to the way they were before. I don't want to be miserable again. I was just finally starting to feel better about being without him.

Natalie says that I need to be more optimistic. She said that I have too much of a doom and gloom attitude and that things will turn out the way I expect them too. I say that it's easy for her to be happy. Things always work out for her...still, I guess she has a point. I should stop expecting the worst.

Natalie has been reading this blog. She's the only person in my circle of friends who knows about it - and I'll have to hurt her if she tells anyone about it (hint, hint, Nat, keep your mouth shut). Anyway, it's inspired her to start a blog. As soon as she gets it up and running I'll post the link.

That's all for now...

I'm back at the dorm after a long weekend. Yesterday was the big trip up to New York. I was a nervous wreck yesterday morning, but the day turned out much better than expected.

Josh was waiting for us when we arrived at Penn Station. Molly introduced him to Elise and he said hi to everyone. I was kind of hanging back so he motioned to me to come towards him and then gave me a big hug. He kept his hand on my back after the hug and Molly smiled at me like I was crazy for being so nervous.

We all went uptown to a Chinese Restaurant where Jennifer and her boyfriend, Sean had saved us a table. Lunch was fun and even though I wasn't sure about Sean (because he was dating someone else when Jen first started to like him), he turned out to be a really nice and very funny guy.

After lunch we made our way down town. We wanted Elise to see as much as she could. We walked down 5th Avenue, went to Rockefeller Plaza, and then took her to Times Square. We even went down to Battery Park so that Elise would get a good view of the Statue of Liberty.

It turned out that Josh was planning to go back to Pennsylvania that night, and I had been wanting to head home to see Aunt Lu so we left the group before dinner to head home.

We took the train back to Princeton Junction. We were talking on the train. He was telling me that he still owes me a trip to the top of the Empire State Building. The first time we were up there it was overcast and he promised to take me up again on a clear day. It was also the day that I asked him to my prom...kind of the beginning of our romance. I was sad for a moment as I sat there thinking about it, but then Josh said that he thought of me every time he looked up at that building. I was surprised. Then he said I'd be surprised how often a song or a memory made him think of me. I couldn't help but melt right there in my seat. I told him there were so many times that I had just wanted to call him to tell him about something stupid because I knew he would appreciate it. I could feel the bond between us forming once again.

After we got off the train we drove home. I was starved by the time I pulled up in front of Aunt Lu's house in Pennsylvania, but I had wanted to wait to eat with her. Unfortunately the house was dark and no one was home. Josh invited me next door but I didn't want to go. I was sure his parents would want to spend time with him and I didn't want to confuse them about our relationship. Plus, the fact of the matter is, that I was confused out our relationship.

I was going through the fridge for something to eat when the doorbell rang. It was Josh. His parents were out too. It turns out that the church was having a Country Western Night as a fundraiser. He held out his hand to me and said, "Come on." I just looked at him and he said, "There's gonna be food." I was still just looking at him and so he flashed me that sexy smile of his and said, "There's gonna be dancing..." I was starved, and it had been so long since I had danced. I took his hand and followed him out the door.

It was weird to go from running around Manhattan all day to Country Western Night, but it turned out pretty well. When we got there Aunt Lu was so excited to see me, and the country cooking was so good! They had someone there teaching line dances. Aunt Lu, Mrs. Anderson and I learned the dance to "Boot Scootin' Boogie."

The best part of the night was when they slowed the music down and Josh pulled me into his arms for a slow dance. The first song we danced to was a little weird. I didn't know how close to stand to him, where to look, how to feel...but when the second song started, he pulled me close. The song was Lonestar's "Lets Be Us Again." I didn't know the song but now I can't get it out of my head. In the middle of the song, Josh told me that he wished he had said the things that the singer was saying. He said he wished he'd held on tighter and not let us fall apart because he wanted to be us again. I looked up at him and he kissed me.

The thing is that instead of floating on air, I'm petrified. I cannot lose him again. What if this isn't real? What if it doesn't work out? What if we can't be us again? I'm afraid of what will happen to my heart if it doesn't work out.

We're both going back to Pennsylvania next weekend for Easter so we're going out on a date Saturday night. I really hope that it goes well.