It's been a few days since my last post. Things have just been so hectic and emotional.

The horrors from Virginia Tech have everyone on edge. It's so scary to think about sitting innocently in your classroom and being shot to death by a crazed killer. There were rumors spreading around our campus today that there were shootings. Thank God it was just a rumor...Nevertheless, it's nerve wracking and it makes you question your safety. The thing is, that I truly don't believe something like this could be stopped (from a security standpoint that is). No matter what precautions you take, a person who's gone mad and has the will to commit a heinous act will find a way to commit that act. That being said, there are reports that the gunman's creative writing teacher went to authorities about him and reported that she thought he was dangerous. Too bad no one else did anything about it... Now over 30 lives are lost.

My personal life is also in the toilet right now. Saturday was absolutely heart wrenching. Josh called Friday night to make sure that we'd be able to handle being around each other at Lauren's birthday. He said that no matter what happens, he wants to be in my life. I genuinely want that too and told him so. It's just that it's so much easier said than done.

When we got to the game on Saturday all of these emotions hit me. I was flooded with memories of the first time we talked. I remember how happy I was to be having a real connection with someone for the first time since I'd moved north. I just knew that this guy was going to be more to me than a neighbor or Lauren's older brother.

Then I started thinking about the next year we went to the game for Lauren's birthday. Friendship was just starting to turn into love and I kept thinking about his eyes and his smile and the way he held his hand out to me that day and made me feel like the most special person on earth.

I finally couldn't take any more memories. Josh was sitting about as far away from me as he possibly could and I just felt so uncomfortable. I had to get away so I left the stands and walked out to the concession area. As soon as I got out there I burst into tears. I was about to make a run for the restroom but Josh had followed me out. He pulled me into his arms and I knew that I should pull away but I couldn't. I just wanted to hold on a little longer I guess.

We stood out there for almost the entire game going over everything all over again. But this time there was more sadness in it all. It used to be anger or frustration but now sadness and a sense of defeat are what overshadowed the conversation. I told him that this is just too hard for me right now. We talked about how we're going to have to work together all summer and that we're going to have to figure out a way to make that happen, but we also agreed that we need a cooling off period. I just need to be away from him. I can't talk to him. I can't see him. I just need to be alone to work this out.


So that's where we stand. We're going our own way and hopefully when Memorial Day comes and work starts up, I'll be ready to face him and work with him. But for now, I need to have my space so that the wounds can heal and my heart can move on.