I was upset last night about my fight with my father so I thought I'd watch Dancing With The Stars to cheer myself up. So much for that idea. I am so upset by the outcome of last night's result show. SABRINA got the boot? Something went terribly wrong! That girl can dance and the chemistry between her and Mark was amazing. They just let all the steam out of that show. It was the best season ever and now they've eliminated one of the top contenders. I'm sure Jane and Marie are nice people, but how are they still in the ballroom and Sabrina's not? I've lost all interest now. I just don't care. I loved tuning in and seeing what Sabrina and Mark would do each week. The rhumba they did was AMAZING. It just boggles my mind that they are no longer in the competition.



I talked to Josh earlier today and told him that my father insists that I go down to Florida. He said, "well, we'll still have Sunday night and Monday." Gee, he could be a little more disappointed! I'm crushed that I'm losing all of that precious time with him and he's all blasé about it! It's so irritating.

I know he loves me, but I think I love him more. And I'm sure he would argue with me about that but I'm pretty sure I'm right. I just wish he knew what it feels like to be the one who loves the most. Maybe then he wouldn't be so easy going about things.

I have such a headache. Today was a long day and I had a huge fight with both parents last night. They weren't so understanding about my need to stay in Pennsylvania over Thanksgiving. My mom actually wasn't that bad which was a surprise, but my father told me that I have to go to Florida for the weekend. I told him that I'm not going and he told me that as long as he's footing the bill for my college education and living expenses, I will do what he says.

I'm so aggravated! Since when does he care if I go down there to visit? I'll have to split my time between the two of them anyway so it's not like he gets to see me the whole time. Besides my father only notices if his friends Jack and Johnny (as in Daniels and Walker) aren't there. He usually doesn't pay attention to me anyway!

Why should I go down there and be miserable when the person I want to see is up here? I am so upset about this! I know that Josh will be here until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving and I'll be back on Sunday, but I want more time with him! I have waited so long. I have missed him so much! I don't want to wait. And I don't want to waste a single second.

HE'S COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got off the phone with Josh and he's coming home for Thanksgiving! His mom was depressed about him not being here, and it turns out that he has to meet with the principle of the school that he will be student teaching at in the Spring so his mom bought him a ticket to come home!

I will finally be getting that relief that I've needed. I feel so much better. I can make it until the end of November but not until Christmas. Less than four weeks and he'll be home. I can't wait.

Now there is just one little hurdle to deal with. Well, two little hurdles: Mom and Dad. I am supposed to go to Florida over Thanksgiving to visit them. But I'm sure when I explain it to them they will understand. I mean, the love of my life has been gone for months and he's coming home. I want to see him!

This morning I was feeling kind of down because I had a dream about Josh last night and I was so happy and then I woke up. It made me miss him so much more. But now I know he's going to be home for a few days and my spirits are up. I just can't wait for him to be here where I am. I can't wait for us to be breathing the same air, and experiencing the same time of day, and looking at each other when we talk. And I won't need AT&T to reach out and touch him because he will be here. I am so excited!

I just can't believe it. I can't believe that he will be home - even if it's only for a few days. He will be here. Finally. He will be here. I have to get my act together now. I want to buy some new clothes and get my hair cut so that I look perfect when he returns. I want everything to be perfect.

I'm bored so I thought I'd fill this out...

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD!!! NO EXPLANATIONS.

Yourself:
here

Your Lover:
away

Your Hair:
ponytail

Your Mother:
self-involved

Your Father:
drunk

Your Favorite Item:
iPod

Your Dream Last Night:
Josh

Your Favorite Drink:
water

Your Dream Home:
happy

The Room You Are In:
bedroom

Your Pets:
none

What You Are Now:
longing

Who You Want to be in Ten Years:
same

What You Want to be in Ten Years:
accomplished

What You're Not:
my father

Your Best Friend:
Josh

One of Your Wishlist Items:
Josh

Your Gender:
female

The Last Thing You Did:
eat

What You Are Wearing:
sweater

Your Favorite Weather:
warm

Your Favorite Book:
fiction

The Last Thing You Ate:
turkey

Your Life:
busy

Your Mood:
sentimental

Favorite article of clothing:
scarf

Favorite color:
green

School:
time-consuming

Song:
love

Aunt Lu drove out here to take me to lunch today. We had a nice time. She told me that my mom's having a hard time figuring out to do without my father. My mom has never really been alone and she doesn't know what to do. I guess that's why she's planning to move up to Pennsylvania. I told Aunt Lu that I'm not really that happy that Mom's moving up here. She's always making comments about how I'm too serious with Josh.

Our Halloween party was last night. It was fun. Keith actually came down with Jen and Sean. I talked to him about Josh and I think things are better now. He knows now that I love Josh and wouldn't hurt him.

Jason came with Kelly. I'm a little disappointed because it seems like they are back together. I guess I was hoping he would start dating Natalie. I think they'd make a cute couple and they seem to get along so well. But he's with Kelly again and Nat has her sights set on Ethan from our philosophy class.

I told Jen about my email from Laura. She said that I did the right thing by ignoring it. She said that Laura probably thinks that if she drums up trouble for me and Josh he will turn to her since she's the only person he knows in England. He's made friends there though so I doubt he'd turn to her anyway.

Well, that's all for now.

I meant to post this yesterday and must have saved it instead. It's a post from Friday, Oct. 26th

Here it is...

We're having a Halloween Party tomorrow night. Natalie, Molly and I just got back from a shopping spree. We bought black lights, strobe lights, fog machines, and tons of decorations. Jason is coming over tonight to help us hang everything. I think it will be a good time. Jennifer and Sean are coming down from New York and I even told her she could bring Keith. I'm trying to spread goodwill since he's Josh's best friend from college.

I got an email from Laura this morning. She wrote: "I just think you should know that there's a girl here that is totally putting the moves on Josh." I wrote back an email and then deleted it. I've decided not to respond. I know Laura can't be trusted after the lie she told this summer. And you know what? I trust Josh. Our summer together bonded us in a way that we weren't bonded before. He says he loves me and I believe him. I don't think he's going to let some girl get between us after all that we've been through.

The other thing is that he called yesterday and told me that he's thinking of moving in with Jason next semester. Jason lives two doors away! Josh wanted to make sure I was okay with him living so close. He said he didn't want me to feel like he was invading my territory. I told him that I was thrilled - besides, he lives next door when we're in Pennsylvania. Why would it bother me? I'm even more excited about him coming home now. I just wish it would happen sooner. I miss him so much!

I've been listening to the Barbara Lewis songs as Ron suggested. I found two that I like and one of them will be perfect for Josh's return. It's called "Hello Stranger" and I want to dedicate it to him when he gets back. In the song the singer expresses how happy she is that her love is back, and I know that's how I'm going to feel.

So I hate to admit it, but ever since my ballet teacher told me to lose a few pounds I feel disgusting. Last week at this time I thought I looked pretty good and now I think "ick" every time I look in the mirror. I know it's all in my head. I mean, we all have things about ourselves that we hate -but I wasn't this harsh on myself until my ballet teacher made her little comment.

I was talking to JD about it. He said, "you're not a ballerina - you're a ballroom dancer." I think that was supposed to make me feel better? All of the women in my ballet class are supper skinny. I guess I should say that they are long and lean, but they look like you could knock them over with a feather. I know in my head that I look good and that I'm healthy, but I can't stop thinking that I look bad because of that stupid comment. How dumb is that? Why am I letting one person's idiocy get to me so much?

So now I'm not looking forward to going to ballet tonight. I wish I could quit. I would rather take any other class anyway. But I know that ballet will help my posture, my frame and my extensions. I am loving my Fox Trot classes though and we're almost finished with the Silver Level syllabus. We're deciding whether to go to the Gold Level or whether to do the Tango at the Silver Level.

So how pathetic is it that I walk around all day wishing Josh would come home? I need to get a gripe. Seriously. This is just sad now. He'll be home in two months. I just need to suck it up for a few more weeks. I just want to get things settled. We only had 2 and a half weeks to be together before he left. I want him home so that we can really be together. I just want him here.

Why is it that time moves so slowly when you're away from the one you love, and so quickly when he's here? I just wish I could have one day with him here. I know he'll be back in December. I know that this isn't the end of the world, but missing him eats me up. I thought that by now I'd be used to him being away but I just miss him more and more.

Spending the weekend with Lauren didn't help. Part of it is because she's his sister, but mostly it was because she would talk about Alex and look at Alex the way I used to look at and talk about Josh. She is really crazy about him, and it reminded me of the days before Josh and I got together. Of course, Alex is showing no signs of changing his mind about being with Lauren, but I can't help but cheer her on. I can't help it. I want love to prevail, and I know that Alex cares about her and wants to be with her. He just won't let himself. But maybe that will change.

Anyway, the weekend was fun. Alex's dorm was running a haunted house so we helped them with that. Alex took us on a campus tour and then yesterday we stopped at Lauren's grandparent's house for lunch. That also made me miss Josh. I kept looking around and remembering the night we spend there this summer. We stayed up late, sitting on the back porch and talking. We had had so much fun that night.

I talked to Josh earlier today. His mom left today and is on her way back to the States. He told me about their weekend in Paris. I'm jealous. I would give anything for a weekend in Paris with Josh. Actually, I would give anything for even a day with him. I just wish there were a little relief in sight. December 22nd seems so far away.

I got an email from Josh this morning. He wrote, "DO NOT DIET. You are perfect the way you are." Then he told me he'd call me tonight. It will be nice to talk to him. Email isn't quite the same. Not that the telephone is much better. I just hope we won't spend the whole time talking about my dance teacher's remark about me needing to lose a few pounds.

After dance last night JD and I went over to Angelo's because we heard Mona was there and I wanted to see her. Angelo made us taste his new cheesecake recipe - to die for! So good! I was talking to Ron, one of the doo-wop guys. He told me that the group is going to get back together to perform once Josh is home from England. He asked me if I'd like to sing with them again. I told him I'd like that but I want to sing something besides "The Boy From New York City." He told me to listen to some Barbara Lewis songs and see if I'd like to do a few of them. I went to iTunes and searched for her most popular songs. I downloaded the top three. They are definitely not songs I would normally listen to, but I understand that I have to sing songs that go along with the doo-wop sound. Maybe I just need to listen to them a little more.

Lauren should be here soon. We're heading up to see Alex as soon as she gets here. I'm not real thrilled about driving up there tonight. The weather is supposed to be bad and lets face it, driving anywhere near New York City around rush hour is just plain stupid. The last time I went up there with Josh we got stuck in a backup at the Tappanzee and that wasn't even rush hour. And it always seems like it gets even worse once you're in Connecticut. Oh well. I think I heard the door bell so that means it's time for me to hit the road. I hope this weekend isn't a nightmare!

I haven't talked to Josh at all this week and I'm going crazy. A few emails here and there but no phone conversations. I know he's busy with his mother. They were in London last weekend and they are going to Paris tomorrow. I probably won't get to talk to him until she returns. I miss him so much. Time is going so slowly.

I figured out why Lauren is so desperate to go to Connecticut this weekend. It's because her mother is in England so there is no one to stop her from going away. Very sneaky.

Well, nothing interesting to post so I'll get back to homework.

My ballet teacher told me that she thinks I need to lose a few pounds! I was shocked. I admit that I'm like most other girls and sometimes feel self conscious about the way I look, but I never thought I needed to lose weight. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. I workout regularly and I dance all the time. I'm not sure I can add more exercise in. So am I supposed to eat less? I've never dieted.

Moving on... I told Lauren that I don't think we should go to Connecticut, but the girl has an amazing power of persuasion. She guilt tripped me into going with her. So I'm going to Connecticut this weekend. I called Alex earlier to give him the heads up. He didn't seem to care either way. I'm so confused. I wish the two of them would figure this out without getting me involved in it.

Just have to say about Dancing With The Stars - "Scary Spice" Mel should not have been in the bottom 2 tonight! I'm going to have to start voting. And it's not just because I love watching Maks. :)

I'm still annoyed about Keith. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. I thought that Josh was cheating on me Laura last year. My heart was completely broken, but my friends don't treat him like a jerk. I haven't said anything to Josh about Keith. I don't want to cause problems in their friendship.

Lauren emailed me today and asked me to go up to Connecticut this weekend. She wants to visit Alex. I haven't spoken with him yet so I don't know how he feels about this, but I have a sneaky feeling that if Lauren gets her way, Alex won't have a say in the matter. I'm not sure what to do. I'd like to go see Alex, but I don't want to cause any problems. Do I encourage this crush of Lauren's or do I tell her to move on? I know that Alex is in to her, but I also know that he won't date her. I thought he might change his mind, but now I'm convinced that he won't. He spent the summer with her and did nothing. She did everything she could on the camping trip to get his attention and still he did nothing. I think I have my answer. I should tell her I can't go. I don't want to set her up for heartache.

Well, I have to get ready for my Fox Trot lesson tonight. That's all for now!

Okay, hold on to your hats. I am about to confess something that I never thought I would admit. I am kind of enjoying the cool weather. I know - totally unlike my Southern self - but I guess I'm getting used to Pennsylvania seasons. And fall is so pretty here. The leaves are starting to change and that cool crisp air feels really good. I emailed Josh yesterday and told him this. He emailed me back, "Who are you? And what have you done with my girlfriend?" It was cute.

So New York was fun. Jen and I went out to dinner in Little Italy and then we hung out in her dorm room the rest of the night. This morning we ran into Keith - Mr. Congeniality. I'm not sure if he's ever really liked me, but today it was obvious that he's not my biggest fan. In the beginning he thought that Josh shouldn't be dating a high school girl, and then last year he thought I was cheating on Josh with Jordan. He's never really given me the benefit of the doubt.

Jen told me that Josh was miserable last year after we broke up, and Keith is just protective of him. I appreciate that Josh's friend cares about him, but I wish he'd be a little nicer.

Oh, and Jen told me that Keith thinks I won't let Josh drink! Where does he get this stuff? I have never told Josh what to do. Plus, I know a few girls bought him drinks at Angelo's this summer so I don't know what Keith is talking about. I really don't know why he thinks that. I have never told Josh not to drink. Josh knows how I feel about it, but I have never forced him to not drink, mostly he just doesn't do it.

Anyway, I refuse to sit around worrying about Keith. If he wants to hate me, he can hate me. I know that I didn't cheat on Josh and I know that I've never told him what to do. And Josh knows this too. Okay, seriously rant has to end now because I'm putting way too much energy into Keith and his stupidity!

You know the term, "music to my ears?" I've decided that Josh's voice is like music to my ears. It must be all of the phone conversations. I have always appreciated his singing voice, but I never realized how nice his speaking voice is. I told him this yesterday when he called and he laughed at me and told me that I would think that about any man that I loved. Maybe he's right, but I still think he has one of the nicest voices.

Mrs. Anderson is in England now. I know it's ridiculous but I'm a little jealous. I know, she's his mom, but I wish I were the one visiting him. Anyway, she took the Salt Lake City sweatshirt I bought for him with her, and he was calling to thank me for it. He said it smells like me, I guess from being packed in my suitcase. He said he was wearing it and I couldn't help but be glad that he would be able to smell me all day.

As our conversation was wrapping up he said, "Nicole," in a soft, low voice that makes my heart do flip flops. He said, "I want you to know I'm going crazy missing you." I told him I felt the same way and glanced at the calendar to see how much longer I have to be without him. Ten more weeks to go. Somehow I will get through this.

I'm heading up to Manhattan tonight to hang with Jennifer. I was going to go last night but she found out at the last minute that she had to spend the day rehearsing for a small play she's doing, so we decided I'd go up tonight. She thinks this will help take my mind off of missing Josh, but I think being in New York will make me miss him more. We'll see.

Josh called me yesterday and told me that he's disappointed because he can only dance with people who are already good dancers. He said he wanted to show off his moves from the summer but he couldn't lead. I tried to explain that leading is probably one of the most difficult aspects of ballroom dancing for a new dancer. Plus we were doing choreographed dances so he didn't really learn to dance in the usual way. I promised that teaching him to lead would be on the top of my priority list for when he returns. He responded with, "Well, I don't think it should be on the top of your list. I think there are more important things for us to do first." Man, I wish he were home. Time is moving so s-l-o-w-l-y.

I can hear Aunt Lu right now: "Don't wish your life away."

Moving on...

The weekend was fun. Less drama than expected. Jason and Kelly were cozying up and Nat barely batted an eye at them. I think it has to do with one of the guys in our debate group for philosophy. He's caught her eye big time so I guess Jason is a thing of the past.

Still nothing with Lauren and Alex. He told me that he likes Lauren but it's not going to happen because she's still in high school and she's Josh's little sister and he doesn't want to mess up their friendship. He's seeing some girl in Connecticut. I'm so grateful that he didn't bring her along. I'm pretty sure it was to spare Lauren's feelings. I feel bad for them. If they like each other, they should be together.

I spent most of the weekend hanging out with Henry, Lindsay, Jen and her boyfriend, Sean. In the beginning I didn't like Sean because he broke up with his then-girlfriend to be with Jen (right around the time that Josh and I broke up), but the more I hang out with him, the more I like him. He is one of the funniest people I've ever met. No wonder Jen likes him so much. We spent the whole weekend smiling and laughing. I'm so happy for Jen. She's had a lot of heartache. She deserves a really great guy.

So now, I'm being gossipy, but I want this on the record. I see something between Lindsay and Henry. She's dating some guy at Penn State and they have never said that they like each other, but over the years I've noticed that they always gravitate towards each other when we're all in a group. I think that maybe someday there could be a love thing there.

This is the camping weekend. I am waiting for Alex to get here and then we're headed off to the camp grounds. My friends have already hit the road and are getting things ready.

It should be an interesting weekend. I will miss Josh but I think I'll have a fun weekend. At least I won't have to see Laura there this year.

Speaking of which, I asked Josh if he sees her a lot. I know he loves me and but it still pops up in my mind every once in a while that she is with him on another continent and she has proven that she will go to great lengths to win him over. When I asked Josh he said he doesn't see very much of her. Just in one class that they share. He said that she hasn't said much to him since the whole me pushing him in the pool incident. Maybe she's embarrassed about lying. She should be. I would be!

Well, I should get going. Alex will be here any minute.

This season of "Dancing With The Stars" has been amazing so far. I think I'm looking at it differently now that I've been in competition. I'm just really impressed with the choreography and the level of talent. I'm not sure that I have a favorite yet, but I love Julianne and I have a crush on Maks so for now I am rooting for those two couples.

And - oh, My God - Queen Latifah was awesome last night. I had no idea! I know she has been in musicals but I didn't know she sang those types of songs. I was blown away.

I think something is up with my father. He called again last night to say hi. So unlike him. He has plans for us to do things over Thanksgiving. I was shocked. I thought I would just go there and sit around while he works, but he wants to spend time with me. I'm not sure what to make of all of this.

This weekend if the camping trip. I have a feeling there is going to be drama. First with Lauren and Alex, and also with Kelly and Natalie. Nat's not Kelly's biggest fan, and Kelly has been hanging around Jason a lot lately. It wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't think that Nat and Lauren will pull me into their dramas.

Josh called last night. It was the middle of the night in England but he couldn't sleep. It was nice to talk to him for more than just a few minutes. We actually got to talk for awhile. I told him my fears about this weekend. He had no idea that there was a non-relationship relationship going on with Alex and Lauren. He didn't seem to care whether or not Alex wants to date Lauren. I think I'm going to pass that along to Alex. Maybe it will help.

Anyway, I have studying to do. That's all for now!

Tonight is the first night of my Fox Trot lessons. I'm excited to improve in my smooth dances. I usually gravitate towards the Latin dances so I'm glad JD asked me to work on a smooth dance with him. I bought new ballroom shoes today. They are strappy gold metallic. I love them!

Lauren has her sights set on Alex and she wants me to help her "get him." I don't know what to say. I know that Alex is into her but he won't date her because she's Josh's sister and he thinks she's too young. So do I encourage Lauren? I don't want her to have her heart broken. But what if Alex might change his mind? I should just stay out of it as much as possible. Lauren is determined to win him so I should just let her try, right?

Well, good news for me. Aunt Lu told my mother that she can stay at the house temporarily but that she has to get her own place if she's going to live in Pennsylvania. That means my room stays my room. No need to worry about losing my view. :)